Chapter One
\n\u201cMoe Blows\u201d<\/p>\n
Good morning Holy Land!<\/p>\n
As you may remember from a page ago, the Hebos had not only been enslaved by the Fayro, but they also had lots of kids.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t be a Genesis without lots of kids.\u00a0\u00a0 The Hebo\u2019s had lived in Egypt for many years and, despite being slaves, they had formed a very large community. In the meantime, the old Fayro died and a new Fayro ascended the throne.\u00a0 The new Fayro\u2019s name was Adolf – he had a funny little mustache, a heavy German accent, and a twitchy trigger finger.\u00a0 Which are three words that are very difficult to say when you\u2019re drunk.\u00a0 This new Fayro desperately hated the Hebos.\u00a0 Furthermore, it is rumored that this Fayro has begun construction of a new Death Star.\u00a0 Now the Rebel Alliance must fight this menace, with the help of the cuddly Lawlies who, as chance would have it, are an even match for the Fayro\u2019s highly trained and well armed Imperial Army.<\/p>\n
You think we\u2019re kidding, right?<\/p>\n
We are.\u00a0 Sorry.\u00a0 Just\u2026kind of bored, really.<\/p>\n
\u201cI decree,\u201d the Fayro said to his Reichsmarshall on one pleasant Egyptian day, \u201cthat we must kill all the Hebo children!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 And so, the young Hebos were hunted down and set on fire.\u00a0 This was the beginning of the Hebo Persecution and Fayro Adolf had only the weakest of justifications for such evil deeds.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey’ve cornered the slave market,\u201d the Fayro argued.\u00a0 \u201cThey’ll bankrupt us economically.\u00a0 They threaten the purity of the Egyptian race.\u00a0 We need living room.\u00a0 The Pyramids are finished and I can\u2019t think of another project.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elsewhere, hearing of these terrible things, a young Hebo woman took her son and threw him into the river to save his life.\u00a0 The child sank to the bottom, but bloated after a couple of days and rose to the surface.\u00a0 He then floated down the river and into the Fayro’s trout pond.\u00a0 The fish happily nibbled on him until one day passed when the Fayro’s daughter – Axl – found him and brought him inside.\u00a0 After clever usage of CPR, the baby was brought back to life and adopted by the young, rebellious Axl.<\/p>\n
The baby was named Moe, which meant \u201cHe Who Dances with the Sun and Is the Adopted Son of Fayro Adolf\u2019s Lesbian Daughter Axl\u201d in whatever the hell language the ancient Egyptians used. Moe had a severe speech impediment, which caused his words to be slurred, thus everyone thought his name was Blo.\u00a0 He had a song that he learned, wanna hear it?<\/p>\n
No, you don’t.\u00a0 His speech impediment was so severe that it would come out as garbled nonsense.\u00a0 Kind of like what the aliens will hear when they listen to the record on the Voyager spaceprobe.\u00a0 Anyway, this story isn’t about speech impediments.\u00a0 It’s about what Moe became. Do you like shorter sentences? It\u2019s the only way to fight digression. Why, once, I was sitting there in the commuter lounge editing furiously when BOB\u2019s Pope came up to me. It was he who told me that the mindless rambling and run on sentences I was prone to ruined the translation of the Boble. He said that I should stick to the simple text. The idea is to avoid the placement of stories which have no meaning or bearing on the immediate subject. Then we went out for the dollar happy hour at a local bar which I frequented. The Pope, however, doesn\u2019t drink. I always found that to be difficult, as I would tend to get piss drunk and then make a fool out of myself. But the Pope assures me that a fool can\u2019t really make a fool out of himself, so that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n
Blo (Moe) became a very powerful (semi) son of the Fayro and he beat up the Hebos every day to prove that fact. You\u2019ve seen the movie. The fun part was when Blo built a farm in the wasteland and began to grow sand.\u00a0 His hot (adopted!) sister – Erin – came with him.\u00a0 Erin wanted to be a man, and thus was writing in her journals how to act as such. She was a little twisted, a high school dropout, and always strung out on BOB knows what.\u00a0 She had three kids from four previous marriages scattered across the country, as well.<\/p>\n
Erin had come back to Blo\u2019s wilderness to \u201crecover\u201d and get in a \u201chuman frame of mind\u201d. Her latest decision to change her sex was an attempt to get away from her past and start over again. Blo wasn\u2019t really too keen on this philosophy, but he was perfectly happy to help out his sister in whatever she chose to do. Whenever Erin came up to him and asked advice as to how she should behave if she were a man, Blo helped her out. Erin, you see, could understand Blo perfectly. She often translated for him whenever people came by the farm. (Plot point!)<\/p>\n
\u201cSo if I were a man,\u201d Erin asked \u201cHow would I approach a woman on the street so I can be guaranteed of some hot, hot clam-slamming action?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d Blo would reply, \u201cwhenever you see a girl, you gotta hoot like an owl, and get all slack-jawed, and then unzip your pants and – \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cHold on!\u201d Erin barked, furiously writing in her journal to keep up with his words.<\/p>\n
\u201cUnless she’s ugly,\u201d Blo continued, \u201cthen you stick out your tongue and tell her that she won’t get laid unless her father molests her again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat seems pretty severe.\u201d Erin muttered.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, maybe I’ve been hanging out with those priests from the Osiris temple too much…\u201d<\/p>\n
Erin hastily scribbled down some final notes and then inquired as to some pick-up lines.<\/p>\n
\u201cAw right.\u201d Blo said, \u201cFirst ya see this beeee-utiful bitch sittin’ right there on a barstool wi’ her legs crossed and all…\u201d drool, \u201cYa can see right up her skirt, right?\u00a0 It’s important how much leg you can see without bendin’ over and crawling on the floor.\u00a0 Ya then gotta ax her as to the whereabouts a’ any large boyfriends in the bathroom…ya gettin’ this?\u00a0 YA GETTIN’ THIS?!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, yeah,\u201d Erin replied, jumping slightly as Blo shouted at her, angrily waving his cigar in her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cA good line is, \u2018Hey, let’s go see the parking lot.\u2019 or \u2018I’m a man, how ’bout joo?\u2019 or \u2018Want to pat mah monkey?\u00a0 Cause he’s pretty damn neeeer anxious to be patted ’cause he’s jumpin’ round his cage and upsettin’ hiz water!’ Got it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBlo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo I have to keep writing everything down with that queer spelling?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou better be respecting my street jive in your journals, whore!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes!\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0 Sorry.\u201d She cleared her throat. \u201cAnd the sexual act itself\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOi!\u00a0 From behind. \u2018At gives \u2018em the feelin\u2019 a bein\u2019 takin lahk an animule. Day like dat. If ya can, sodomize \u2018em – always a surprise. Then flush their heads in the toilet while ya do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Erin swallowed, \u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2019d enjoy that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut ya wanna be a man?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen ya won\u2019t have to worry \u2018bout it then.\u201d Blo replied, \u201cOh, yeah, ya wanna false name an\u2019 address. Always \u2018member that. An\u2019 use a taxi or the bus, never give \u2018em a lead as to yure identity in case they decide to call da Man.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe I don\u2019t want to be a man after all.\u00a0 This sounds terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, when ya say it out loud, it is terrible.\u00a0 But these are things never spoken amongst us men.\u00a0 Theys be understood, simple nuff.\u00a0 Therefore it\u2019s alright.\u00a0 What\u2019s a man without self-made regret and loathing?\u00a0 Tha\u2019s what is all about.\u00a0 We like ta hate ourselves, it makes us feel superior.\u00a0 Also gets us laid.\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly, a nearby bush exploded in flame.<\/p>\n
Blo shouted out in surprise, \u201cBy the brown back hair of BOB and the spread legs of the nearest crazy chick!\u201d He leapt up and urinated upon the flames immedi\u00adately (a collective, unconscious impulse of all primitive people).\u00a0 He found that the bush weren’t burnin’ none!\u00a0 \u201cThat bush ain’t burnin’ none!\u201d Blo exclaimed.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat’s right, buddy!\u201d the bush said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHoly smokes, Blo,\u201d Erin exclaimed, \u201ca talking bush!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn’t I see this in a John Waters movie?\u201d asked Blo.<\/p>\n
At this, the bush exploded upward with spectacular special effects.\u00a0 \u201cYes!\u201d the bush decreed, \u201cThis lovely couple below me have won this beautiful staff of iron!\u201d<\/p>\n
Pop!\u00a0 A staff appeared in Blo’s hands. Long, hard, and iron. Erin eyed it with an unnatural gleam in her eye and Blo felt empowered by its phallic strength. The Bush switched to the dreaded all capitals in order to emphasize its massive massiveness.<\/p>\n
\u201cAND,\u201d continued the bush, \u201cA COLLECT CALL FROM ONE GOD BOB!!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d Erin asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was continuing my original statement,\u201d the Bush replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d Erin said. \u201cThe staff trick distracted us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes\u2026\u201d the Bush paused for a moment. \u201cUm, will you accept the charges?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry\u2026 The staff is a gift, right?\u201d Erin replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo\u2026yes\u2026 No, no. The collect call from BOB, will you accept the charges?\u201d the Bush replied.<\/p>\n
Erin and Blo looked at each other. \u201cUm\u2026no.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Bush paused for a moment, blue-yellow flames licking at the air.\u00a0 \u201cSo\u2026I mean BOB.\u00a0 Your God.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think our God has enough money to make a phone call.\u201d Blo replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve stopped writing in street jive, brother.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou could stop writing all together, Erin.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, people \u2013 \u201c the bush said.<\/p>\n
Blo threw his arms in the air, \u201cOkay!\u00a0 Fine!\u00a0 God.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay\u2026\u201d the Bush sounded a little unsure of itself.<\/p>\n
BOB spoke next. \u201cHello Blo, I’m BOB.\u201d the disembodied voice rang through the desert like an explosion.\u00a0 \u201cThe news is that you\u2019re not the Fayro’s son but are instead a Hebo.\u201d BOB’s humor was obviously too high-brow for Blo, because the poor man immediately became crestfallen at the announcement of his Heboishness.\u00a0 That meant he’d lose his yachting license, get kicked out of the club, and wouldn’t be allowed to participate in that mass orgy over at Isis’s temple.<\/p>\n
BOB continued, \u201cThat means that Erin can legally marry you because she isn\u2019t your sister.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d Erin asked.\u00a0 \u201cWhy would I want to marry this asshole?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just saying that to illustrate the point.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t really think you had to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe I\u2019m lonely.\u00a0 Maybe you two should kiss.\u00a0 Blo, pretend to be the cable repairman\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe accepted the charges for this phone call?\u201d<\/p>\n
BOB cleared his throat. \u201cGo to the Fayro and say: \u2018I am a Hebo, let my people go.\u2019\u00a0 Ready?\u00a0 Try that once with me \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d asked Blo.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you\u2019re a Hebo and your people are enslaved.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo?\u00a0 Honestly, I\u2019m not very happy discovering that I\u2019m actually a slave instead of a prince.\u00a0 I mean, well\u2026fuck you, to be frank.\u201d<\/p>\n
The flaming bush intensified, forcing Erin and Blo to stumble back a few paces.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll do this shit or else I\u2019ll feed you to weasels!\u201d BOB boomed.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight, whatever.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood, now, say what I told you to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI done be a Hebo bes\u2019 lemme go, then.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
Erin answered, \u201cHe has a speech impediment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut he was talking fine a minute ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe world\u2019s a strange place, O BOB.\u201d<\/p>\n
BOB was silent for a few moments. \u201cOkay.\u201d He said at length. \u201cI think I see the flaw here. Erin…you shall accompany Blo – I mean Moe -and translate for him.\u00a0 If the Fayro starts acting like the freaked out, hopped-up, crackhead fuckhole that he is then Blo will take the staff and turn it into a snake.\u00a0 This will mess with the Fayro\u2019s head something awful.\u201d<\/p>\n
Blo shrugged, \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow I\u2019m going to test the staff-snake thing, so don\u2019t be surprised when \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
Pop!\u00a0 A deadly adder appeared in Blo\u2019s hands and his terror-stricken scream echoed across the desert.<\/p>\n
Next time:<\/p>\n
Slithery Staff, Bloody Water, Ozzie and Harriet Kill and Kill Again<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-281","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=281"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":979,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/281\/revisions\/979"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=281"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=281"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=281"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}