In an attempt to help pass the time, and avoid training myself to tolerate the pain required to push needles through the web of my thumb, I decided to measure my average daily caffeine intake.<\/p>\n
Turns out, I\u2019m sucking down over 500 milligrams. <\/span>32 ounces of coffee in the morning, pot of tea (three cups) in the afternoon, and my daily indulgence \u2013 a Dr. Pepper. <\/span><\/p>\n I then went and read what that much caffeine does to you and had several ongoing physical and emotional problems explained. <\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n In 1997, I gave up caffeine for six months. <\/span>It took about three weeks to kick the habit \u2013 each day, taking in less and less coffee and soda. <\/span>I remember how exciting it was to reach the level where half a can of soda was all I needed to stop the headaches and overall meltdown. <\/span>Then, the big leap \u2013 The day without caffeine.<\/p>\n During that six months, I was the happiest I have ever been. <\/span>I was full of energy, I was more aware of my surroundings, I became sociable and kind and loving. <\/span>I acquired a girlfriend and everything was beautiful. This was back when my little chronic pain thing only “flared up” a few times a year instead of trying to kill me 24\/7.<\/p>\n Then I flew out to My uncle has a somewhat notorious relationship with caffeine \u2013 if you told me you saw him shooting coffee into his eyeballs, I would believe you. <\/span>So when he came back from his intimate musings with the river, the first thing he did was haul me out of bed and take me to a coffee shop. <\/span>This was, of course, the first step on an all night pub crawl\u2026 But I don\u2019t remember the boozing. <\/span>I just remember that first cup of coffee after six months. <\/span>My starved body just lapping it up and the old, familiar buzz stronger than ever.<\/p>\n Since then, I haven\u2019t been able to stop again. <\/span>In fact, in the past ten years, I\u2019ve slowly increased my dose.<\/p>\n In April of 07, I had brain surgery. <\/span>This required approximately three days without caffeine. <\/span>There I was with my head sliced open and feeling like it was stuffed full of rotting pumpkin, and what was the greater pain? <\/span>The caffeine headache. <\/span>That hammer blow that comes down if I don’t get at least a cup of coffee in the morning. <\/span>Fuck the surgery and recovery \u2013 get me a cup of coffee! <\/span><\/p>\n The nurses say I was asking for coffee in ICU before I was asking for water.<\/p>\n Taking all this into account, I\u2019ve decided to cut back on caffeine. <\/span>First: No sodas. <\/span>Which are all kinds of bad for me, anyway. <\/span>Next: No more regular tea. <\/span>I also drink faggot green tea and shit, but those only rank in at 30-60mg. <\/span>So just one of those a day. <\/span><\/p>\n Next will be the hardest \u2013 cut my coffee consumption in half. <\/span>I\u2019ll start that tomorrow. <\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m going to aim for, but not promise myself, caffeine freedom by June. <\/span><\/p>\n The problem is that I don\u2019t really want to be free of caffeine. <\/span>I like it. <\/span>I like coffee. <\/span>Just like I enjoy booze. <\/span>Except for when I puked up that pomegranate vodka. <\/span>I didn\u2019t like that. <\/span><\/p>\n Instead of ending the article with that image (pomegranate puke is strangely pretty), I\u2019m going to complain about my co-worker who came in here asking for candy. <\/span>I was about to continue on writing, but she started complaining about how she was feeling so blah. <\/span>Then she said \u201cBlame it on the rain,\u201d and I had a nostalgia flashback to Milli Vanilli. <\/span>That has proven to be the end of all rational thought for today.<\/p>\n So here\u2019s the video<\/a>.<\/p>\n It cuts off at the end \u2013 but that\u2019s okay<\/em>! <\/span>God.<\/p>\n