Jesus, reprinting the Boble has been vaguely painful.\u00a0 So here\u2019s the last chapter of Genesis, and then we\u2019ll take a little break.\u00a0 Book 2 of The Boble will pick up in 2009.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Chapter Seven
\n\u201cJoe and the Sepia-tone Rag\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe wasted no time getting on the bad side of his family.\u00a0 When he was in high school, he was a hopeless dreamer and misanthrope.\u00a0 In his twenties, he graduated from college with a degree in \u2018applied classical literature from the National Socialistic era.\u2019\u00a0 Deep down, his father was rather proud of Joe.\u00a0 But Joe had to be kept in check.\u00a0 Jake believed in tough love.\u00a0 The best way to show tough love was to act with nothing but resentment towards his son.\u00a0 In an attempt to show some kindness, however, Jake provided Joe with a sepia-tone rag that had been in the family for generations.\u00a0 Abrahamilton’s sister’s mother’s cousin (his third wife) gave the rag to her son, who was slaugh\u00adtered by Jake’s uncle’s grandson.\u00a0 Therefore, the rag had come into Jake’s possession.\u00a0 But Joe’s brothers saw this gift as a display of favoritism and they decided to sell Joe to a passing band of Arabs.\u00a0 Seems a little harsh, doesn’t it?\u00a0 Well, these were harsh times.\u00a0 They were also ignorant, unenlightened times peopled with creatures that were just barely human.\u00a0 The exceedingly slow evolution of the human brain would be a constant source of irritation for BOB. But that\u2019s not for us to question.\u00a0 BOB viewed the world as if it were made out of Legos: Tired of the design?\u00a0 Tear it apart and build another.\u00a0 You’d think the whole Flood thing would have driven that home for us. It didn\u2019t\u2026it hasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
The Arabs eventually sold Joe to the Egyptians (remember Egypt?) where he was put into prison after continuing to frustrate and annoy every individual he came into contact with.<\/p>\n
Joe worked as a slave on the Manure and Baby Parts Processing Farm.\u00a0 He hated everyone and was locked in a shoebox every night.\u00a0 Fed only the tiniest of fingernails, he grew gaunt and unhealthy.\u00a0 BOB then came unto him and told him that everything had been a horrible mistake.<\/p>\n
\u201cReally…?\u201d Joe muttered, unconvinced.<\/p>\n
BOB nodded vigorously, \u201cOh yeah, man.\u00a0 Terrible.\u00a0 You got some real bastards for family.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf it weren’t for you, they wouldn’t be my family.\u201d Joe seethed.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike I can control who your family is.\u201d BOB hissed, angry at being called on that point.\u00a0 \u201cLook, I\u2019m here to get you out of this mess.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what’s the game plan?\u201d asked Joe.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I do have a plan.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure,\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s kinda out there…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGo on.\u201d<\/p>\n
BOB pulled up a rock and sat down, looking around the cell with disgust.\u00a0 He was wearing a long, black trench coat.\u00a0 Apparently, the Great One felt that such a coat would act as a disguise while he moved amongst the slaves and prisoners. Bob cleared his throat and began to relate his idea. \u201cAsk people about their dreams, then tell them a really good bullshit story.\u201d BOB’s lips twitched a little, perhaps the hint of a nervous smile.<\/p>\n
Several moments passed.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat’s it?\u201d Joe blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt’s the thing now.\u201d BOB said unconvincingly,\u00a0 \u201cA dream interpreter can really make a living.\u201d BOB hesitated, \u201cBesides, you ain’t got nothing to lose goat-boy.\u201d And so BOB vanished.<\/p>\n
The next morning, Joe approached a slave who had been troubled by nightmares and offered the wretched man part of his fingernail breakfast.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, brother. I haven\u2019t eaten in months\u2026\u201d the slave muttered.<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me about your dreams,\u201d Joe asked quietly, politely.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d began the slave, \u201ceverything was in a shade of blue.\u00a0 There was this girl who wasn\u2019t wearing any clothes and she kept coming up to me and asking, \u2018Would you like to take my ass-virginity away?\u2019\u00a0 I said no and walked away.\u00a0 But she followed me, and the word \u2018ani\u2019 was repeated over and over by a chorus of dwarves.\u00a0 Suddenly, the world spun away, and then was replaced by a large hedgehog who attacked me with a jelly sandwich.\u00a0 I was kidnapped by aliens, and then I ate dinner.\u00a0 But then I was naked, and the alien said: \u2018Would you like to take my ass-virginity away?\u2019\u00a0 I said yes, of course,\u00a0 and we danced to a song where the only lyrics were the words: \u2018Ani Sandwich\u2019.\u00a0 Then the alien turned into my sister, and my dick was stuck inside her and she was screaming and screaming and -\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the love of BOB! Stop!\u201d Joe shouted.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you think?\u201d the slave asked, trying unsuccessfully to hide his erection.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I should kill you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, about the dream.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh,\u201d said Joe. \u201cWell, let’s take it apart bit by bit.\u00a0 The shoes represent a fear of the dark, and the letter \u2018T\u2019 means that you really want some tea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh wow!\u201d exclaimed the slave. \u201cYou’ve just helped me to live longer!\u00a0 Look, everyone, a miracle!\u201d\u00a0 This man is truly with BOB!\u201d the slave was shouting and screaming with ecstasy as he came repeatedly in his pants.<\/p>\n
Later in the week, Joe was brought to the Fayro.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had a dream,\u201d the Fayro said, \u201cand it has come to me that you can interpret dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProceed,\u201d Joe humbly invited.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, in my dream, I was standing on the bank of the Ohio River \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean the Nile?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yes… same thing.\u00a0 Anyway, I’m standing there wearing a cloak of living midgets,
\nwaving at my lover who happens to be an eight foot tall tangerine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe held up his hand, \u201cA what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTangerine.\u201d The Fayro said in a slow, clear voice.\u00a0 \u201cAnyway, my lover waves back, then falls to the ground squirting juice all over the place.\u00a0 Suddenly, I knock my head on a Ferris wheel as it passes by, and everyone begins screaming \u2018NARCS!!\u2019\u201d\u00a0 A few members of the Fayro’s court jumped, uncertain for a moment, then relaxed as he continued.\u00a0 \u201cI yelp and hide the stash of coke that I keep in my purse.\u00a0 Suddenly, the police are tying me to a sexual torture device and saying, \u2018See the short people?\u00a0 They’re Japanese.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u201cThe next thing I know is that I’m in this mall.\u00a0 A man runs up to me and hands me this time bomb. \u2018If I don’t bring this back,\u2019 he says, \u2018the curse is yours!\u2019\u00a0 Then he runs away.\u00a0 The next thing I know after that is that I’m sniffin’ coke with a group of policemen, and we’re talking about the lock on the evidence room door.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe stared blankly for several minutes after the Fayro stopped talking.<\/p>\n
\u201cUm\u2026that\u2019s it.\u201d the Fayro said happily, his eyes slightly glazed.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAhhh,\u201d Joe said artfully, having quickly gained proficiency at sounding professional, \u201cThe shoes, um, represent a fear of the dark, and the letter \u2018T\u2019 means that you want some tea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t drink tea.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe tried to smile, shaking a little.\u00a0 He spoke through clenched teeth.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe you should.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Fayro thought about this and then he said, \u201cYou are truly gifted.\u00a0 I hereby promote you from the status of lowly slave to the status of not-so-lowly slave.\u00a0 Now you shall be fed bits of poison with your fingernails.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBlessed be you, O He of the Warped Mind!\u201d Joe exclaimed as he was lobbed out the window.<\/p>\n
Joe then became a servant to the Fayro’s chief steward.\u00a0 The steward saw that he had a
\nspecial and gifted young man on his hands.\u00a0 He saw that Joe was holy and blessed.\u00a0 He spoke of these realizations with his assistant:<\/p>\n
\u201cMy man Joe is an amazing creature,\u201d the chief steward said.<\/p>\n
His assistant nodded vigorously, adjusting numbers on the sheets of paper that surrounded him.\u00a0 \u201cAbsolutely, my lord.\u00a0 Gifted indeed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe’s a Hebo, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes my lord,\u201d replied the assistant, \u201cI am aware of his heritage.\u201d<\/p>\n
The steward nodded, \u201cI can see that he is truly holy.\u00a0 I see that he is at one with his God.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, m’lord.\u201d\u00a0 The assistant replied.\u00a0 After a pause, he added \u201cLet’s sacrifice him to Osiris.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe survived, of course, and spent many years as the steward’s loyal slave.\u00a0 Then Joe’s brothers came to Egypt to find him, bringing the entire Hebo tribe along.\u00a0 They were sorry for what they had done and wished to invite Joe back to the Hebo tribe as their leader.\u00a0 The Hebos had a joyful reunion and asked the Fayro if they could rent the banquet hall.\u00a0 The Fayro replied that it would be no problem and he enslaved every single Hebo in the morning.<\/p>\n
The End<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Jesus, reprinting the Boble has been vaguely painful.\u00a0 So here\u2019s the last chapter of Genesis, and then we\u2019ll take a little break.\u00a0 Book 2 of The Boble will pick up in 2009.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-262","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/262","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=262"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/262\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":997,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/262\/revisions\/997"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=262"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=262"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=262"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}