I\u2019ve managed to avoid three Obama \u201cvictory parties\u201d so far.\u00a0 The only thing that scares me more than the Nazis who follow McCain are the wild-eyed armchair liberals who rally around Obama\u2019s \u201cmessage\u201d of hope and change.<\/p>\n
Which is how Hitler ran his first campaign, by the way.
\n<\/p>\n
Well, okay, he actually ran his campaigns with streetgangs, violence, and paranoia.\u00a0 I just wanted to have a nice teaser.<\/p>\n
Still, though, it seems to me that Obama pretty much just stands in front of a microphone and repeats \u201cyes we can\u201d in a monotone for 15 minutes while dazzling lights are shot into our eyes and a low, steady hum lulls us into complacency.\u00a0 Not that the liberals of America need such encouragement to be complacent, but it\u2019s always good to err on the side of caution when you\u2019re running a country.\u00a0 Like Stalin.\u00a0 Just a very cautious man, that\u2019s all.<\/p>\n
The victory parties I\u2019ve been avoiding are all somewhat Hitlerian, which is why I had old Adolf in mind when I decided to spend five drunken minutes writing this post without actually paying attention to what I\u2019m saying.<\/p>\n
The big party in Maryland, which I\u2019m now in lots of trouble for not attending, required everyone to write down something about the Bush presidency that they didn\u2019t like and then ceremoniously burn the paper in the fireplace.<\/p>\n
Okay, so everyone should have written down the war in Iraq, right?\u00a0 Because one would hope that the Western world would, someday, evolve out of fear, hatred, death, murder, and war.\u00a0 I\u2019m told that a few people did choose the war, but most wrote down Sarah Palin\u2019s name \u2013 the Great Polarizer herself.\u00a0 So that just confirms my theory that the liberals in America love war, poverty, and the destruction of our constitution\u2026 But, fuck, will someone please stop the governor of Alaska!\u00a0 What\u2019s she got to do with Bush, anyway?<\/p>\n
A victory party in Baltimore that I avoided largely because I end up with heavy metal poisoning every time I visit that city took the burning one step further.\u00a0 The invitation invited us to drink (BYOB, of course, because all my liberal friends are cheap cunts) and then \u201cretire to the roof to burn an effigy of Palin.\u201d<\/p>\n
What\u2019s with the Palin hatred?\u00a0 She\u2019s a nobody.\u00a0 When Bush I picked Dan Quayle, it was the same principle.\u00a0 Some airheaded right-wing loon, the laughingstock of the nation, and all we did then was make jokes about tubers.\u00a0 Of course\u2026he won.\u00a0 But, still\u2026enter Sarah Palin and it\u2019s as if McCain was running with Damien from The Omen<\/em>.\u00a0 Would these Obamaites have preferred McCain pick a viable running mate and win the election?\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019m missing the point\u2026 Maybe the Palin hatred is because liberals were secretly guilty about voting in Obama and really wanted to steer the course with another old white man, and the foul aftertaste of the Moose Hunter took that away from them.<\/p>\n That, at least, is why my grandfather voted for Obama.\u00a0 If McCain had picked a real running mate, then no problem.\u00a0 And he was all McCain this and McCain that up until he got into the booth where, he says, he looked at Sarah Palin\u2019s name and realized that all those classmates of his that died at Bataan didn\u2019t die so a fucking woman could be in the White House!<\/p>\n See, he had me going for a moment.\u00a0 I thought he was going to say because Palin was so horrible, but then he pulled that anti-suffragette stuff out of nowhere.\u00a0 Of course, he\u2019s also pro-slavery and, I think, is still a little bitter about the Kansas-Nebraska Act.<\/p>\n In Virginia, I\u2019m told that the victory party I wisely avoided (largely because it was in Virginia) featured loops of Obama\u2019s speeches from Youtube on laptops placed throughout the house.\u00a0 Perhaps the hosts were providing the lights and hypnotic sounds themselves, because that\u2019s the only way his speeches work.\u00a0 They were providing the booze, which briefly tempted me to cross the Potomac Ocean, but that\u2019s always a sham.\u00a0 You get there and the idiot wife is trying to make something insane like mint juleps while you\u2019re forced to sit, in stunning sobriety because it takes 30 minutes to properly prepare a drink using three guidebooks, and listen to the husband\u2019s real estate woes.\u00a0 Then, when whatever stupid cocktail arrives, it\u2019s got the barest whisper of booze.<\/p>\n Or, worse, you arrive and they have a keg of Natural Light and buckets of Gallo wine.<\/p>\n Either scenario would have made hours of the same 15 minute Obama speech somewhat unbearable.\u00a0 I\u2019d end up like the old Nazi at the end of Apt Pupil<\/em>, I think.\u00a0 Demented and goose-stepping around a tiny room in full regalia.<\/p>\n Which is how I act when I bring my own alcohol to a party, so I suppose it doesn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 I could have gone to the Virginia party and watched the idiot wife labor over mojitos for six hours and forget to put rum in them because she\u2019s so confused by the instructions and, by then, the Yes We Can music video would have seeped deep into my brain and everything would have been okay.\u00a0 And there’d be no fire with angry people burning things.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019ve managed to avoid three Obama \u201cvictory parties\u201d so far.\u00a0 The only thing that scares me more than the Nazis who follow McCain are the wild-eyed armchair liberals who rally around Obama\u2019s \u201cmessage\u201d of hope and change. Which is how …<\/p>\n