{"id":26,"date":"2008-01-31T16:56:14","date_gmt":"2008-01-31T21:56:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=26"},"modified":"2018-10-31T14:26:37","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T18:26:37","slug":"driveaway","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=26","title":{"rendered":"Driveaway"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a long distance truck driver. <\/span>Except without responsibility, city driving, or timelines. <\/span>I wasn\u2019t against the idea of hauling cargo across the country, I just wanted to pick it up at lonely country depots and leisurely make my way to the drop off point at an equally lonely spot.<\/p>\n


\nIn college, I looked into delivering cars as a potential summer job. <\/span>What they call \u201cdriveaway companies,\u201d delivering cars all over the <\/st1>US<\/st1> to the incompetent and the filthy rich alike. <\/span>Typically, there\u2019s no pay involved outside of a fuel allowance. <\/span>Say someone in <\/st1>Idaho<\/st1> is having some car delivered in some stupid way near me, in DC. <\/span>So I pick it up and drive it out to them and find my own way back.\n<\/p>\n

That\u2019s how it works for the incompetent. <\/span>The rich use a more professional company, where there is hope for the driver to earn something.<\/p>\n

Either way, it\u2019s back to the issue of a due date. <\/span>Especially with the professional companies, there\u2019s a fixed route and an expected ETA. <\/span>So no 1000 mile side trips to see the largest ball of string this side of Ole Miss. <\/span><\/p>\n

I looked into the professional side, because I wanted to make some money. <\/span>By \u201cprofessional,\u201d they meant \u201cover 23, in possession of a valid driving license, and no previous felonies.\u201d <\/span>Like, in possession of anyone\u2019s driving license?<\/p>\n

It also seems, strangely, like a boring job. <\/span>For example (I still keep an eye on the sites in case somebody wants to move a tank from DC to the Rockies using only US 50 and allowing for a one week side trip to the Corn Palace), there\u2019s only one car in the DC area currently available. <\/span>It needs to get to <\/st1>Ft.<\/st1> Lauderdale<\/st1> and it\u2019s a 2002 Honda Civic.<\/p>\n

So\u2026put in my name, get cleared (it takes just one day), and then I can hop into a Honda Civic and drive down 95 like a lunatic because OMG it needs to arrive by 4:01pm! <\/span>That would be fine if it was a Bentley or Hitler\u2019s favorite tow truck or something\u2026 But a Honda? Please rush me my eBay purchased ricer!<\/p>\n

Anybody in <\/st1>Nashville<\/st1>? <\/span>Somebody in Vegas needs their 1999 Jeep Cherokee ASAP.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a good thing I dropped the whole trucker thing, considering that my inspiration was Duel<\/em>, Road Warrior<\/em>, and Goliath from Knight Rider<\/em>. <\/span>So, you see, being a long distance trucker wasn\u2019t about independence and exploring <\/st1>America<\/st1>, it was about killing commuters. <\/span>And\u2026post apocalypse people in dune buggies.<\/p>\n

Here in my pre-middle age, I have more respect for the driving aspect of the dream. <\/span>A few years ago, I put 4000 miles on a rented Chevy driving from the Texas border on the New Mexico side to Needles, CA, mainly following Route 66, though I took several side trips to see White Sands, the VLA, etcetera. <\/span>Besides finding out that everyone in Roswell<\/st1> hates tourists, and the Grand Canyon<\/st1> is too spectacular to describe, I discovered the power and beauty of that long ago trucker dream \u2013 just me and the country. <\/span>Even though my average speed, on 66, was about half of what the truckers were doing on I-40, which I roughly paralleled for many miles.<\/p>\n

I was never much into driving as a youth. <\/span>My family has bad luck with cars \u2013 a whole series of accidents from a great aunt who was forced off a mountainside in <\/st1>West Virginia<\/st1> by a logging truck in 1942 to my mom who committed Suicide by Oak Tree in 2000, building up enough speed to catch air and burst into flames after totaling the car. <\/span>It took the cops weeks to ID her remains and contact us. <\/span><\/p>\n

Needless to say, I think about such things when I\u2019m behind the wheel. <\/span>Probably more that long dead relative than mom, because mom was a whack job. <\/span>That long dead relative was just tooling along when \u2013 blam! \u2013 truck. <\/span>I also blame driver\u2019s ed, where the old gag film title from The Simpsons<\/em> \u2013 <\/st1>Alice<\/st1>\u2019s Adventures Through the Windshield<\/em> \u2013 isn\u2019t far off from the sensationalist shit they showed us. <\/span>And here\u2019s a crushed corpse! <\/span>This man was killed\u2026.in a time before seat belts and when everyone was drunk.<\/p>\n

How about some modern crash footage? <\/span>What happens today when you\u2019re belted in and surrounded by airbags? <\/span>But all of today\u2019s footage fails to capture the horror and dread of a car accident. <\/span>If you showed a 2007 car wreck awareness shitfest in Driver\u2019s Ed, it would probably be World\u2019s Craziest Trucking Accidents or something. <\/span>He\u2019s driving the truck down the side of a building! <\/span>Crash! <\/span>Oh no! <\/span>Hahaha! <\/span>We\u2019ll be right back after these commercials with more rended flesh!<\/p>\n

My spell checker says rended\u2019s not a word, which is precisely why I don\u2019t use spellchecker. <\/span>If I make a common grammatical error, I want you to know that you\u2019re the idiot, not me. <\/span>English is a fluid, living language and has always been shaped to our will. <\/span>American English is completely made up by Noah Webster, anyway. <\/span>One fucking lunatic can have a dramatic effect on how we communicate. <\/span>So if I confuse \u201cthere\u201d and \u201ctheir,\u201d for example, it\u2019s your fault for being a stick in the mud. <\/span>Or, as we say downtown, a \u201ccunt.\u201d <\/span>Which better describes you, I\u2019m sure. <\/span>Ask your parents.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t even own a car these days. <\/span>Public transportation all the way! <\/span>I get to be that lone white face on the Rough Bus from the Silver Spring Metro to the dreaded outer reaches where, even at 6am, drunken hooligans fitting a few dozen black stereotypes assault me. <\/span>But, no matter what, it\u2019s better than riding the bus in south <\/st1>London<\/st1>. <\/span>No one has yet started flicking matches at me. <\/span>I\u2019ve made that my tipping point \u2013once a lit match goes down the back of my neck and\/or I\u2019m gang-raped by MS-13, I\u2019ll look into buying a car.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think MS-13 is active in my neighborhood. <\/span>All the graffiti advertises the E Street Bangers. <\/span>Which is strange, because we\u2019re far away from E St. <\/span>The old school quality of the name (and geographic incongruity) somewhat endears the Bangers to me. <\/span>Especially compared to MS-13, which I do not find endearing at all. <\/span>I picture the Bangers all sitting around in an apartment much like mine playing on a stolen Wii and drinking malt liquor. Stuff that I wouldn\u2019t mind doing, when you get down to it. <\/span>Would I join an old school black gang just so it\u2019ll be acceptable to drink Colt 45 out of a paper bag? <\/span>Yes, I would.<\/p>\n

Instead, I\u2019m a white guy. <\/span>So I sit in my apartment reading the paper and drinking Rogue Ale or a fruity drink of some sort that involved lots of time and a blender. <\/span>Of course, I\u2019m a 100% match for every serial killer profile, so that gives me street cred. <\/span>Especially when I walk from the bus stop to my apartment arguing with myself in a variety of different voices. <\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t get rid of my car because of any sort of psychological or emotional reason. <\/span>It was just 20 years old and costing more money than it was worth. <\/span>Then, after it was gone, I enjoyed the whole idea of not having a huge, gaping wound in my bank account so much, I figured I\u2019d just do without. <\/span>Besides the Metro, there\u2019s Zipcar, and the kindness of friends. <\/span>And I rent something nice every once in a while and drive west until the gas runs out. <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s the cautious driving that I\u2019ve adopted, perhaps, in response to car-related family deaths. <\/span>Therefore, exploring the old roads of <\/st1>America<\/st1> is perfect. <\/span>You rarely top 55, and you get to putter through small towns at impossibly slow speeds. <\/span>Nothing like going 25 through some forgotten mining town along US 250. <\/span>You can be dying of cancer and a drive like that will perk you up because, Jesus, there\u2019s shit in those <\/st1>West Virginia<\/st1> hills that ain\u2019t human anymore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a long distance truck driver. Except without responsibility, city driving, or timelines. I wasn\u2019t against the idea of hauling cargo across the country, I just wanted to pick it up at …<\/p>\n

Driveaway<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[125,400],"class_list":["post-26","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-childhood","tag-wage-slave"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=26"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1235,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26\/revisions\/1235"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=26"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=26"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=26"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}