<\/p>\n
Published 9\/11\/03<\/p>\n
Oscar bin Laden: Archives and discussion at http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/forums\/index.php?topic=1241.0<\/p>\n
——-<\/p>\n
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PICK YOUR 9\/11 UPDATE!<\/p>\n
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Nacho Sees the Future and It’s a Big Vacuous Void With No Pussy<\/p>\n
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Werdna spun around in my executive leather model C4150 chair and grinned.\u00a0 \u201cA question of your revolution,\u201d he said.\u00a0 I kept quiet, sitting down in one of the two fuzzy chairs facing my desk.\u00a0 \u201cThe whole thing.\u00a0 Dirtyfreaks, Greatsociety, the whole saga.\u00a0 All of this writing, all of these words.\u00a0 Thousands of pages.\u00a0 What are they doing?\u00a0 They go out and sit there and then drop down below the fold, read by a handful of closet queers and vague intellectuals.\u00a0 It\u2019s a waste of what meager talents you have.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just writing.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cMost of those thousands of pages would never publish.\u00a0 It\u2019s ranting, off the cuff stuff.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t want them published anyway.\u00a0 Besides, ranting is what I do, it\u2019s my business.\u201d<\/p>\n
Werdna stood and shouted, \u201cGetting published should be your business!\u201d\u00a0 His words whipped out and echoed in the room with an unnatural, thunderous roar.\u00a0 On instinct, I leapt up and backed away.<\/p>\n
Werdna, shaking, sucking in labored breaths, stepped around the desk and walked towards me.\u00a0 His eyes, unblinking, never left mine.\u00a0 \u201cYou will be visited tonight by three \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cOh my God!\u201d I couldn\u2019t help but laugh, \u201cAnd you call me a fucking hack!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first will come \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, yes, I know.\u00a0 I can read, you fuck.\u201d<\/p>\n
Werdna shrugged and looked away, \u201cOkay, then.\u201d\u00a0 Without saying anything further, he walked out of my office.\u00a0 After a few minutes, I rushed over to the window and watched him climb into his clap-trap Acura and drive off into the night.\u00a0 Then I sat at my desk and exhaled.\u00a0 It felt as if I\u2019d been holding my breath the entire time.\u00a0 Of course, there was nothing to do but stare at the clock.<\/p>\n
* * *<\/p>\n
I awoke at the touch of a hand on my shoulder.\u00a0 It was a gentle rise from sleep but, as soon as I opened my eyes, I screamed and came surging out of my chair.\u00a0 Texas Billionaire Oscar bin Laden was sitting on the edge of my desk.\u00a0 The last man I was in the mood to see on the eve of September 11th<\/sup>.<\/p>\n \u201cNacho baby,\u201d he said, popping his fingers like an extra from West Side Story.\u00a0 He leaned forward and rested his chin on his fist, his elbow on his knee, \u201cSo I\u2019m writing a song, maybe you can help?\u00a0 What do you think should come after this?\u201d\u00a0 He started to sing in his weird broken English:\u00a0 \u201cI could while away the hours\/Conferrin’ with the flowers\/Consultin’ with the rain.\u00a0 And my head I’d be scratchin’ \/While my thoughts were busy hatchin’\u2026?\u201d I blinked a few times, wondering if this was a crazed dream, \u201cUm\u2026 \u2018If I only had a brain\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBy Allah\u2019s brown back hair!\u201d he shouted, \u201cYou\u2019re brilliant!\u00a0 And that rhymes with \u2018rain,\u2019 too!\u201d\u00a0 He pulled out a worn notepad like you see cops use and scribbled the lyrics down, then he sighed contentedly and sat there gazing at me.<\/p>\n \u201cSo,\u201d I ventured, \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight!\u201d He said, shouting again, \u201cI\u2019m the Ghost of 9\/11 Past!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, come on.\u00a0 This is so stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s plagiarism!\u00a0 It\u2019s disgusting.\u00a0 I\u2019m not playing along.\u201d<\/p>\n Oscar shrugged, \u201cYou have to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou remember that scene in the imperialist parable, <i>Lord of the Rings<\/i>, where Gwyneth Paltrow turns into a really scary monster for a second?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u00a0 It was Cate Blanchett.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can do that.\u00a0 And no it wasn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo you can\u2019t.\u00a0 And it was.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure I can.\u00a0\u00a0 Let\u2019s make it a logical argument:\u00a0 Do you want to find out if I can do that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not a logical argument.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, then, here\u2019s another logical argument:\u00a0 Are Cate Blanchett and Gwyneth Paltrow both cute blondes?\u00a0 If yes, then it doesn\u2019t matter which one played the scary elf.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not a logical argument, either.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt is!\u00a0 Look, never mind, you\u2019re going into the past whether you want to or not.\u201d And, with that, he snapped his fingers.<\/p>\n There was a sense of time passing, though in a totally alien way.\u00a0 I felt as if I were on top of a huge drain and a superior power had pulled the plug.\u00a0 My vision blurred into a rainbow, and there was no air, no wind, no thought for what seemed to be an eternity.\u00a0 When next I opened my eyes, Oscar and I were standing in my office, late at night.\u00a0 I saw myself as in a mirror, but it was not a duplicate image.\u00a0 My other self lay with his head on the desk, sound asleep.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, when is this?\u201d I asked as soon as I had caught my breath.<\/p>\n \u201cThis, Nacho Sasha, is one half hour ago.\u201d<\/p>\n We were both silent for a moment, then I turned to him.\u00a0 \u201cWhat the fuck are you talking about?\u00a0 A half an hour ago!\u00a0 Who takes me back for half an hour?\u00a0 This is insane!\u00a0 You\u2019re totally off the level!\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe this!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u00a0 It\u2019s a half an hour.\u00a0 Destinies are decided in that amount of time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo what am I here to learn?\u00a0 What\u2019s the destiny I should understand?\u201d<\/p>\n Oscar shrugged, \u201cUm, nothing, I just thought you\u2019d gain a better focus if you saw yourself at work.\u201d\u00a0 He indicated me with a broad sweep of his arm, \u201cOr, asleep, rather.\u201d<\/p>\n I looked at myself, then looked back at Oscar, \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded, \u201cOkay,\u201d<\/p>\n He sat down in one of the fuzzy chairs and became preoccupied with the back of his hand.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you think this white spot is?\u201d<\/p>\n I slapped his hand and stared down at him, \u201cThis is totally retarded.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, while I have you here,\u201d he said, \u201cMaybe you can help me with the new Al Quada uniforms.\u00a0 I figure we need a makeover for the 2003-2004 season.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d\u00a0 I shouted.\u00a0 \u201cNo, no, no!\u00a0 It\u2019s a terrorist organization, anyway.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t need uniforms.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEverybody needs a good uniform!\u00a0 The Nazis were so cool because they had a great uniform.\u00a0 Even the Japanese had that puke yellow thing going on!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to help you select uniforms for an insane ass raping terrorist organization!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCome on!\u00a0 We have half an hour to kill until we catch up with your timeline.\u00a0 Here, I have some drawings.\u201d\u00a0 He handed me his notepad and I looked down at the page and saw three illustrations.\u00a0 The first was entitled oscar dress, the second was oscar winter and the third was oscar summer.<\/p>\n \u201cI like them all.\u201d I said after a few minutes.<\/p>\n \u201cAh.\u00a0 Well, good.\u00a0 Okay.\u201d\u00a0 He cleared his throat and took the notepad back.\u00a0 We sat across from each other, without speaking, for half an hour, at which point he whipped off his white turban and put on a blue one.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m the Ghost of 9\/11 Present now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh.\u201d I said.<\/p>\n We sat in silence a bit more.\u00a0 If I wore a watch, I would have checked it constantly.\u00a0 Unfortunately, I had chosen the chair that wasn\u2019t facing the clock, so the best I could do is look at my wrist and then look out the window.\u00a0 Finally, after an eternity, a gaggle of scantily clad women burst into the room, wearing the \u2018Oscar Winter\u2019 terrorist outfit.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s about fucking time!\u201d Oscar shouted, throwing his dirty blue turban in my lap.\u00a0 He stood and pulled two of the women to the floor which, somehow, caused all of them to fall on top of him.<\/p>\n I stood up, ready to start cursing, but instead watched in horror as Oscar started removing bras and panties and throwing them in the air.\u00a0 He buried his natty face between a brunette\u2019s legs and made a crude blowing noise like you do to a child\u2019s stomach.\u00a0 The girl screamed hysterically and started rolling, squeezing Oscar\u2019s head with her legs.\u00a0 The other women were laughing so hard their eyes were sealed shut like newborn kittens.\u00a0 I slipped away and out into the hallway, then ran down the steps and leapt onto the concrete with a painful thunk.<\/p>\n Actually, that wasn\u2019t intentional.\u00a0 I meant to leap into my car but, you see, here\u2019s the odd thing, my car was fucking gone.\u00a0 Now, I could share some of my thoughts about this discovery, with the animal like squeals of depraved women on the night air, but I was grabbed from behind before any coherent words could come to mind besides, of course, \u2018motherfucker.\u2019\u00a0 Before I could fight, a bag was pulled over my head and what felt like a small moon hit my skull.\u00a0 I say it was a moon because a starfield filled my vision and all awareness dropped into nightsong.<\/p>\n When I woke, Oscar\u2019s long time compatriots, Ali and the boys, were all standing around me.\u00a0 They had Russian guns and a look of snarling distaste that they shared between them as if incapable of having individual looks of snarling distaste.\u00a0 It was like when long time couples could finish each other\u2019s sentences, except Ali and the boys were finishing each other\u2019s snarling look of distaste.<\/p>\n I\u2019d encountered Ali many times before, but never without Oscar around, so I put myself on guard and turned my own face into a look of snarling distaste.<\/p>\n Ali gestured with his gun and I turned to see Wheaton, Maryland.\u00a0 But it wasn\u2019t the Wheaton I knew.\u00a0 It was still night, but the little rundown suburb had become a bustling metropolis.\u00a0 An upscale family walked past me, and I flashed them a look of snarling distaste, then I let Ali drag me over to the trashcan where he picked up a copy of the Washington Post and pointed at the date in the upper right hand corner.\u00a0 September 11th<\/sup>, 2028.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I\u2019ll be a box of Chiclets.\u201d I cursed.<\/p>\n Then Ali moved his arm so I could see the entire front page.\u00a0 I tore it out of his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cAh ha!\u201d I shouted, \u201cLaser eye surgery causes brain cancer!\u00a0 I knew it!\u00a0 I fucking knew it!\u00a0 Just they wait until I get back to the past!\u201d<\/p>\n A passing couple flashed me an odd look and I ran towards them, gesturing wildly, \u201cJust they wait till I get back to 2003!\u00a0 Brain cancer!\u00a0 I\u2019ll show them <i>all<\/i>!\u201d<\/p>\n Ali grabbed me and yanked me away, punching the headline with his finger.\u00a0 And there it was.\u00a0 My name.<\/p>\n \u201cThat rocks.\u00a0 I\u2019m in the paper and I\u2019m like, 900 years old or something!\u201d<\/p>\n Then he pointed at the first paragraph.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I was in the woods.\u201d<\/p>\n Ali looked defeated, his shoulders sinking and his eyes rolling towards the saucerport of the Wang building.\u00a0 Then he raised the paper again and shook it.\u00a0 I looked at the article.<\/p>\n \u201cDude I was killed by a lynch mob.\u201d<\/p>\n Ali made a sick, strangled sound, so I kept reading and tried not to look at him.<\/p>\n \u201cFor\u2026the brutal\u2026\u201d I read out loud, eyes squinting, \u201cRape and torture murder of an entire Boy Scout troop.\u201d\u00a0 I looked up at Ali, \u201cOh my God.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy\u2019d I do that?\u201d<\/p>\n Ali sighed again and pointed at the article.\u00a0 I read some more.<\/p>\n \u201cAfter 27 years running an alternative webpage,\u201d I turned to one of Ali\u2019s companions, \u201cAlternative, dude!\u201d But all I got was a snarling look of distaste so I went back to the article, \u201cHey I\u2019m not a Shut-in!\u201d I barked at the paper.\u00a0 \u201cOr an alcoholic!\u201d\u00a0 I snatched the paper out of Ali\u2019s hands, \u201cOr a bi-polar, insecure, paranoid, schizophrenic\u2026 Dude, what\u2019s this word mean?\u201d<\/p>\n Ali nodded knowingly.<\/p>\n \u201cAll this is wrong,\u201d I said, \u201cI wouldn\u2019t rape and murder Boy Scouts.\u00a0 Girl Scouts, maybe.\u00a0 Brownies.\u00a0 But <i>Boy<\/i> Scouts?\u00a0 That there is a deviated septum if I ever heard of one.\u201d<\/p>\n Ali flashed me a confused look and I stared at him with a blank mind for a moment.\u00a0 Finally, he pulled me out to the main street, which was a river of traffic, and he pushed me up against a young woman waiting to cross.<\/p>\n \u201cHi, I\u2019m Nacho Sasha.\u201d I said automatically, stretching out my hand.<\/p>\n She looked at me without any expression.<\/p>\n I grinned, \u201cYou may know me, I ran an alternative webpage for 27 years.\u00a0 You wanna go and, uh, catch a, uh, you know, a thing or something?\u201d<\/p>\n She cocked her head, looking at me as if I were from Iowa, \u201cI do not understand.\u201d She said at last.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m thinking maybe you and I could hook up.\u201d<\/p>\n She shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cThis is most unusual.\u00a0 Are you saying you wish to mate?\u201d<\/p>\n Oh, me droogies, the future was looking veddy good indeed.\u00a0 I winked at Ali, then turned all my attention to the woman, \u201cThat\u2019s right, baby. Mate like two praying mantises in Des Moines.\u00a0 Or is it \u2018manti\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 I glanced at Ali, who shrugged, then I turned back to the woman, \u201cNo, it\u2019s mantises.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure of it.\u00a0 Or it might just be mantis.\u00a0 You know, like moose.\u201d<\/p>\n She laughed, \u201cOh, what an excellent joke!\u00a0 This is most amusing.\u00a0 These are \u2018chat-up\u2019 lines, yes?\u00a0 Have you studied this from a book?\u00a0 Is this how it was done?\u00a0 Okay, okay, I\u2019ll play along.\u00a0 Hey, hottie, I want you to fill me up!\u201d\u00a0 She laughed again, \u201cThat is, if I had anything for you to fill up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, that means, you know, I do it inside you and \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n She stepped away, horrified, \u201cInside me!\u201d her voice broke.\u00a0 \u201cHow is that possible?\u00a0 President DeLorbe has spoken often of how filthy that was in the old days.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDeLorbe?\u00a0 Jesus Christ, they have no taste in the future.\u00a0 But it is possible, I just have to\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cNo it is not possible!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, sure it is,\u201d I glanced worriedly at Ali, who flashed me a look of snarling distaste, \u201cYou know, the man bone goes into the\u2026girl socket.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat the blue asteroid is a girl socket?\u201d She asked.\u00a0 She was kinda cute when she swore.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, a pussy.\u201d I flinched and looked around at some of the bystanders that had gathered around us.\u00a0 They all looked confused, so I said, \u201cA vagina.\u00a0 A clam.\u00a0 A cunt.\u00a0 A, uh\u2026\u201d I looked at Ali for help, \u201cOh, come on, Ali!\u201d<\/p>\n The girl started laughing again, relaxing, \u201cA vagina!\u00a0 Oh, you\u2019re great.\u00a0 Are you an actor?\u00a0 Those things sounded so awful!\u00a0 I\u2019m glad President DeLorbe did away with sexual reproductive organs and replaced them with autoevactors in 2015!\u201d<\/p>\n At that, everyone in the crowd that could hear crossed their arms over their chests and looked up, chanting in unison, \u201cHail President DeLorbe!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo sexual organs?\u201d I asked.\u00a0 Ali was nodding smugly.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, silly!\u201d The girl said.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about anal punishment?\u201d I asked.\u00a0 Ali rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s\u2026\u2019anal\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n Ali dragged me away and I was shouting in his ear, \u201cDude, come on, she still has a mouth!\u00a0 And there are Boy scouts, I hear\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n He threw me against the wall of the Bebong building and a robot eye shot out of the slick masonry.<\/p>\n \u201cHelp you?\u201d It squeaked.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s no pussy in the future.\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cI know!\u201d It squealed.<\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2026 Goddamnit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you!\u201d\u00a0 It slurped back into the wall.<\/p>\n I grabbed Ali\u2019s collar, \u201cPlease say this is only a possible future!\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m the shut in schizoid master of a 27 year old alternative webpage!\u00a0 Take me from this place you murdering fanatic!\u201d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n A car horn out on the road brought me awake with a start.\u00a0 I\u2019d slept through the night.\u00a0 Glancing around my office in the early morning light, there was no sign of Oscar, Ali or the boys.\u00a0 Or a dozen scantily clad women.\u00a0 I felt renewed.\u00a0 Powerful.<\/p>\n I threw on the extended mix of Safety Dance and ran down to the street.\u00a0 There was my car!\u00a0 Everybody\u2019s taking the chance!\u00a0 Safety Dance!<\/p>\n I saw the error of my ways.\u00a0 Being a schizoid shut in and writing for an alternative webpage was a waste of time!\u00a0 My increasingly alarming disrespect for the terror and horror of September 11th<\/sup>, 2001, was doing nothing but damaging my soul.\u00a0 Was I so cold and uncaring that I was willing to forget people dying on 9\/11?\u00a0 To forget the heroes that died saving them?\u00a0 To cheapen their loss by making a cruel mockery of the event?\u00a0 Was I so empty and so misanthropic that I had forgotten people leaping out of windows and falling to their deaths?\u00a0 That I had forgotten watching the planes hitting the Towers and the buildings toppling down?\u00a0 Was I that sad?\u00a0 That empty?<\/p>\n I saw a young Hispanic boy walking by.<\/p>\n \u201cYou there,\u201d I called out, \u201cBoy!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhada fuck you call me, Gringo?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat day is it, Boy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSeptember 11th<\/sup> you fucking\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cGood,\u201d I said to myself, \u201cI haven\u2019t missed it.\u201d\u00a0 I flipped the boy a billfold stuffed full of money, \u201cGo to the market and fetch me the largest canister of jet fuel you can find!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353,193],"class_list":["post-2598","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-oscar-bin-laden"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2598","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2598"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2598\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2669,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2598\/revisions\/2669"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2598"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2598"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2598"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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