<\/p>\n
Published March 2003<\/p>\n
Oscar bin Laden: Archives and discussion at http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/forums\/index.php?topic=1241.0<\/p>\n
——-<\/p>\n
It all began with a song.<\/p>\n
Rita Sullivan was on a worn table at the Royal Mile, reminding me why it was
\na bad idea to show up on Sea Chanting night.\u00a0 But there was nothing bad
\nabout Rita.\u00a0 She was one of those six foot brunettes with long, spirally
\nhair and the boyish figure that works well with black jeans and boots.\u00a0 What
\nshe was doing with a bunch of shifty-eyed, overweight sea chanters was
\nbeyond me.<\/p>\n
What is sea chanting?\u00a0 Well, I’m sure there’s more to it, but it’s really
\njust that yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum stuff.\u00a0 What’s disturbing is that
\nthere’s a very large and dedicated sea chanting community in suburban
\nWashington.\u00a0 The ranks of strange, dodgy, serial killer suspects are
\nbalanced out by a strange group of stunningly attractive women who appear at
\nsea chants with instruments, sheets of music and strong and
\nbeautiful voices.\u00a0 The Royal Mile pub, near my house, is HQ for the local
\nsea chanter society.\u00a0 Once a month, it’s standing room only for four hours
\nwhile chanters take to the tables and sing about piracy on the high seas,
\nbeing trapped in calm waters and extol the virtues of a sailor’s life.
\nIt is, of course, abundantly obvious that most of these folks have never been near
\nan ocean-going vessel in their lives.\u00a0 Or a vagina.<\/p>\n
Why was I here?\u00a0When Texas Billionaire Oscar bin Laden calls and says \u201cI\u2019ve got an itch\u201d I\u2019ve discovered that it\u2019s safer to be standing next to him instead of, say, riding any form of public transportation.\u00a0 He burst through the doors as soon as Rita Sullivan began an odd mix of a traditional sea chant and early 80\u2019s Kate Bush headed to the table that I had been holding down since earlier in the afternoon.\u00a0 I was tipped deeply into my cups, but I put on my best face when Oscar ordered a ginger ale, crossed his hands on the table and grinned darkly.<\/p>\n
\u201cRelationships.\u201d\u00a0 He said when Rita finished her sea chant.\u00a0 The applause washed up and over us like, well, the sea.<\/p>\n
\u201cUh-huh?\u201d<\/p>\n
The waitress set a glass of ginger ale in front of him, glanced in my direction when Oscar handed her one of those stupid Taliban dollars that comprise 60% of his fortune, then moved off towards the kitchen where most of the staff had barricaded themselves.<\/p>\n
Oscar continued. \u201cRelationships are over-rated.\u00a0 The package is never as pretty when you get the wrapping off, you know? The girls don\u2019t know what to do, the body isn\u2019t really as hot as you think it is, and nobody is up for two hours of solid ass fucking.\u00a0 Not that that\u2019s my cup of tea, but you know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t, actually.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo I was thinking,\u201d Oscar was in ignore Nacho mode, \u201cthat we\u2019re all off base in this whole looking for love thing.\u00a0 Even the radicals are stooges for the neo-conservative PC morality imposed by old white men suffering from the burden of guilt, despair and hopelessly small cocks.\u201d<\/p>\n
I shook my head, \u201cOscar, are you condemning morality now?\u00a0 I mean, I thought you always felt America was amoral.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I\u2019m changing my tune, big mon.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been here a while, I traveled the country, I watched a couple of your friends try to cut your throat because you mentioned sodomy once too many times and I spied on your ex-girlfriend when she was muff diving in that ground floor hotel room.\u00a0 I feel I\u2019ve acquired a taste for America.\u00a0 Take the sniper.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe freak puppy who\u2019s been shooting people,\u201d he waved a hand, \u201cAh, you\u2019ve been in England for 5 weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s news over there, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I say he\u2019s the product of a moral society.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut\u2026 Isn\u2019t morality good?\u00a0 Thou shalt not kill, steal, finance and operate desert training camps\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0“Well.. yes\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think you\u2019re using the wrong terms here.\u00a0 You want a moral society, but you disapprove of so-called political correctness.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd that\u2019s a temporary social dynamic?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFoible is the word that comes to my mind,\u201d I shouted as Rita entered into her second song \u2013 a sustained, keening wail.\u00a0 \u201cThe idea of equality is a sound one, but the fact that it\u2019s only practiced in words and not actions makes it a hollow point and, in my opinion, is a symptom of an amoral society.\u00a0 That confusion is what creates snipers, hillside stranglers and zodiac killers.\u00a0 The children of Nixon\u2019s Silent Majority have all become broken-hearted, pudgy, emasculated white people.\u00a0 It\u2019s the ultimate lesson why society should not be homogenized in the interest of stemming the tide of social revolution.\u00a0 The ruling classes don\u2019t like to be ruled, the revolution never dies, and life\u2019s middle managers fail to adjust.\u00a0 So we have kids who blow away their schools, snipers who cap old ladies and baby rapers by the truckload.\u00a0 Then, despite all the protestations that America is the noble, civilizing force in the universe, the truth quietly dawns on us that we\u2019re a despicable, hateful terrorist state.\u00a0 Hell, we were blowing up women and children when Saddam was in diapers.\u00a0 Cuba, Chili, Angola, Panama, Nicaragua, El Salvador\u2026 The Bay of Pigs was the largest terrorist action in history.\u00a0 When that failed, our government hired the mafia in the hopes of killing Castro.\u00a0 We sent kids onto Cuban airplanes with dynamite, we blew up Orlando Letelier\u2019s car right here in DC in an attempt to strengthen Pinochet\u2019s position in Chili.\u00a0 The Cuban-American Foundation has been funding terrorist activities in Cuba for 40 years and they have a stronger political presence than the Jews.\u00a0 Everyone complains about the Jews, but at least they\u2019re left wingers.\u00a0 Sure, Israel\u2019s a retarded idea, but American Jews are still an educated, respectable group of people.\u00a0 Not a bunch of hyperactive, switchblade wielding madmen who use refugee children to further their cause.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar blinked a few times, then his gaze drifted down to the table.\u00a0 \u201cWhat the fuck are you drinking?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a Tropical Sling.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt looks like a fruit salad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe fruit is soaked overnight in a blend of different liquors.\u00a0 It\u2019s quite nice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have no idea what you were saying earlier,\u201d Oscar said softly, though the fact I could hear him over Rita\u2019s wailing meant he was probably shouting.\u00a0 How can one slender brunette with spirally hair make so much noise?\u00a0 It was strangely arousing and, I must admit, I wanted to touch Rita Sullivan in the bikini area.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d I said, \u201cyou had a point about the sniper?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was just going to say that shooting the 13 year old disgusts me.\u00a0 That\u2019s not how I would get my point across.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, you would blow up a busload of 13 year olds.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, no, no!\u00a0 <i>I<\/i> wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 I\u2019m just the idea man, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what\u2019s all this have to do with relationships or whatever you called me down here for?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to run for president.\u201d<\/p>\n
I let that one float out there for a bit.\u00a0 I considered not replying, but it\u2019s kind of like watching a man get hit by a bus.\u00a0 You want to run up and say, \u2018Dude, what was that like?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u201cPresident?\u201d I asked.\u00a0 \u201cOf the US?\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar nodded, downed his ginger ale, then smiled.\u00a0 \u201cI have the money and the time.\u00a0 I just want one term to set everything right.\u00a0 Declare martial law, make America right again, then fade away.\u00a0 Like those Roman generals that the Republic made into dictators during times of crisis.\u00a0 Set everything straight and then go home to your farm and ignore all further responsibilities.\u00a0 It worked for their Republic, it\u2019ll have to work for this one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Roman Republic got ass fucked, Oscar.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar waved his hand, \u201cExtenuating circumstances.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s hard to reply to things like this.\u00a0 I\u2019d have an easier time if Adolf Hitler told me he was applying for a job at the Rainbow Alliance.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want you to be my biographer,\u201d Oscar continued.\u00a0 \u201cFollow me on the campaign trial.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is the craziest, most offensive idea I\u2019ve ever heard.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar nodded, pushed my Tropical Sling a little closer towards the edge of the table, then leaned in close.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m having a moral crisis, Nacho.\u00a0 I must act.\u00a0 I must correct the problems in society.\u201d\u00a0 Oscar scooted his chair back, leapt onto the table and, surprisingly, began sea chanting in perfect harmony with Rita Sullivan.<\/p>\n
The waitress came over and asked me if I wanted another Tropical Sling.\u00a0 She took one look at my face, then asked, \u201cAre you okay, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel like I just stepped into Sweeney Todd\u2019s barbershop.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSir?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBring me two more.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSir.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353,193],"class_list":["post-2597","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-oscar-bin-laden"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2597","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2597"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2597\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2674,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2597\/revisions\/2674"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2597"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2597"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2597"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}