<\/p>\n
When I said I was starting a publishing company, lots of
\nfolks asked me what my mission statement was.
\nThe normal people said, oh, wow, a publishing company.\u00a0 It’s been
\nthe obvious step to take since 2000
\nbecause, every year, hundreds of people throw manuscripts at you.
\nSee, there’s the proper response.\u00a0 But people just have to put me
\non the spot,
\ndon’t they?<\/p>\n
When asked about my mission statement, my initial response of
\n“…the fuck?” never went over well, so I sat down and started
\nthinking.\u00a0 Should I have a mission statement?\u00a0 Of
\ncourse!
\nThis is a business, after all.\u00a0 I
\nfound a piece of paper in the crawlspace and borrowed a pen from my
\nnext door
\nneighbor and started to put one together.
\nBut, then, I realized that my number one goal was “to make a tremendous
\nboatload of money at all costs and burn it all in the backyard while
\ndancing in
\na circle, chanting oaths to Satan, and masturbating.”<\/p>\n
The second item on my mission statement was even more
\ndangerous:\u00a0 “Endless and meaningless encounters
\nwith multiple instances of strange pussy.”<\/p>\n
Next came something a bit more down to earth:\u00a0 “Make enough so I can buy a fortified
\ncompound located at the end of a 25 mile dirt road off of US 250, WVA.”<\/p>\n
The strange pussy would be difficult to find at the compound
\nbut, no worries, Satanic rites would be much easier to perform.
\nYou have to take the good with the bad.\u00a0 Know what I mean jelly
\nbean?\u00a0 The Dark Lord loves well water.\u00a0 The Dark Lord wants
\nan ATV.\u00a0 The Dark Lord would like to pitch a novel –
\nmore of a fictional biography – if it’s not too much bother, if it’s
\nokay,
\nunless you’re busy.\u00a0 Please.<\/p>\n
When I asked my contact in A Major Publisher Near You about
\norganizing a mission statement for my company, she glanced over the top of her
\nteacup and asked if I was planning on sending up satellites or something, then
\nshrugged and advised me to scrawl “To publish books” across a piece of
\nconstruction paper and hand it out to anyone who gave me a hard time.<\/p>\n
Even if I were to send up a satellite, I’d
\nhave just as much trouble composing the mission statement:<\/p>\n
Mission:\u00a0 Classified
\nOrbit:\u00a0 Classified
\nCommanding Officer:
\nColonel Jack Brady, USAF, specialist in low orbit tactical release fusion
\nbomb delivery.<\/p>\n
Hey, why are you guys wearing those funny suits?<\/p>\n
Not your concern, sir.
\nDid you happen to notice any…shooting stars last night?<\/p>\n
Related to the mission statement is the very real and legitimate
\nquestion regarding what my publishing company specializes in.\u00a0 I
\nanswer, in a steady voice:\u00a0 “Fiction and creative
\nnonfiction.”\u00a0 What that means is:\u00a0 “Anything that fucking
\nsells motherfucker.”\u00a0 \u00a0I’m
\nprobably going to start saying that pretty soon.\u00a0 What do I
\nspecialize in?\u00a0 Jesus goddamned Christ, what do you
\nhave?\u00a0 Is it good?\u00a0 Probably not.
\nI don’t know why I’m even talking to you.<\/p>\n
Unlike other small publishers, I’m able to steer my company in any
\ndirection thanks to the first part of my mission statement.\u00a0 If I
\nhave to sell hate tracts to prison
\nAryans, I’m glad to do it.<\/p>\n
Good morning.\u00a0 We sold
\nten thousand copies of “Chinks are just frustrated Jews” at $8 a pop and the
\nauthor got shanked in the showers last night.
\nHe has no surviving family or friends.<\/p>\n
Well, well, well, jelly bean.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353,176],"class_list":["post-2589","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-publishing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2589","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2589"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2589\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2721,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2589\/revisions\/2721"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2589"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2589"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2589"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}