Last time on \u201cThe Boble\u201d \u2013<\/p>\n
Ready?\u00a0 With me:\u00a0 ich bin; du bist; sie sind; er ist.<\/p>\n
Horen Sie zu und weiderholun Sie:<\/p>\n
Sabine studiert Medizin.
\nSabine likes to look at naked little boys.<\/p>\n
Sie lebt in Amerika.
\nSince her Nazi grandfather managed to slip away like the filthy murdering bastard he was, Sabine\u2019s family has been over here in the US.\u00a0 Sabine now lives in the US, and she likes naked little boys.<\/p>\n
Peter und seine Eltern wohnen in Washington.
\nPeter is 47 years old and he still lives with his parents.\u00a0 He likes to pretend he is a writer but all of his stories are about crime-solving animals.\u00a0 Oh, and Peter and his parents live in Washington.<\/p>\n
Sie haben ein Haus.
\nThey have a horse.\u00a0 House, sorry.
\n<\/p>\n
Chapter Five
\n\u201cAbrahamilton Hits It Big\u2026Bad Craziness in Egypt\u2026Trapped by the pigs\u201d<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s run ahead a few years now. The scattered peoples have all formed various communities, religions, etc. The age of the god-kings is upon the land and the sands of time bring us forward\u2026forward\u2026forward to the savage days of Abrahamilton, father of BOB\u2019s chosen people. But before all of that insanity came about, Abrahamilton was known as Tom. He was an ordinary, honest man — the perfect candidate for a popular hero. BOB seems to have a pretty clear pattern by this point: the ordinary guys became great rulers. BOB seems to like seeing the little man triumph against the odds.\u00a0 Go figure.<\/p>\n
Tom lived in a small town and didn’t do much with his life. He spent his lonely nights watching classic horror films. Much of the time he read books on political dissent and vowed to himself that he would \u2018cause a ruckus\u2019 the next time he went to the market. Alas, Tom was much like other people in the world. When the time for running amok and scandalizing the norms was upon him, he shrank away from responsibility and hid from societal contact. The great fear of public speaking and being recognized by other Human beings was strong in Tom, but this would all soon change.<\/p>\n
Tom had a brother who went by the name of Lots, but Lots had long since abandoned Tom to wallow and die.\u00a0 Lots saw the pit that his hometown was and then ran off and built his own town where, he imagined, trendy hipsters would migrate and live peaceably. We’ll get to that story in good time. For now, however, we join Tom sitting in sullen silence suspecting that satellite and a submarine sandwich were better than cable. Sure he had nearly 100 channels, and sure all the entertainment allowed in middle-class Judea was there for him, but it just didn\u2019t seem to be enough.\u00a0 Something wasn\u2019t complete\u2026something his extensive collection of animal porn couldn\u2019t really touch.<\/p>\n
This was about the sum of Tom\u2019s life when BOB descended upon him.<\/p>\n
\u201cGo forth,\u201d BOB said without preamble, \u201cfrom this place, and lead your people to the land of soda and sausage.\u00a0 You have been chosen as patriarch for your people.\u201d\u00a0 BOB appeared to have been at the marijuana gin again. Tom was doubtful immediately of this situation, though he in no way doubted the existence of BOB.\u00a0 There was only one response to this holy decree.<\/p>\n
\u201cRed queen!\u201d Tom shouted.<\/p>\n
BOB blinked.\u00a0 \u201cWhat?\u201d The Great One had fully materialized, resplendent in his leather bomber jacket and jeans. A dark, silky shirt was visible beneath the brown leather, a new addition to the BOB wardrobe. The Great One was unshaven and looked generally unkempt, as if he had just awoken.<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom the Manchurian Candidate<\/em>.\u201d Tom muttered hesitantly.\u00a0 Upon BOB\u2019s blank stare, Tom cleared his throat and kept talking – fast and nervous, \u201cIt\u2019s just like I\u2019ve been told all of this before\u2026 Like, now you come to me and tell me this as if it\u2019s all perfectly natural.\u00a0 It\u2019s very familiar.\u00a0 So, like, in the movie this guy is brainwashed by \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cLook,\u201d BOB said, \u201cEverytime I come down here I meet up with some twistoid.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m giving you a mission.\u00a0 I want you to lead my chosen people to a land of yummy goodness.\u00a0 Men kill for this kind of break\u2026 I\u2019m rising you up from your fuck-me wage slave job and giving you absolute control over these dirt-eating heathens.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like work.\u00a0 Why should I do it?\u201d<\/p>\n BOB closed his eyes and exhaled slowly through his teeth.\u00a0 \u201cThis looked so good on paper\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He looked at Tom and smiled weakly. \u201cYou should do this because I am the Lord your BOB.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom was ready for this answer.\u00a0 \u201cOh, right! You just come in here and start going off on some weird tangent and – what? – do you expect me to jump up and go do it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d BOB replied. \u201cIt\u2019s simple, really. I told you what to do.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to knock, bright boy, I\u2019m your God.\u00a0 I created you.\u00a0 I can turn you into a pool of ice cream, man. I\u2019m not kidding here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo where do I go?\u201d<\/p>\n BOB buried his face in his hands, massaging his temples and groaning. \u201cGo thatta way!\u201d BOB decreed, pointing vaguely left.\u00a0 Then BOB was crippled by a sneezing fit. He pointed at his head, \u201cHurts.\u201d he muttered.<\/p>\n Tom shrugged. \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay that it hurts?\u201d BOB asked slowly.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d Tom asked.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d BOB seemed startled.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you want?\u201d Tom barked.<\/p>\n \u201cFor you to be patriarch to all of your people and – \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d Tom sighed, \u201cI got that part.\u00a0 As I think about it, I’m just not sure if it’s a realistic plan. What are the options?\u00a0 Maybe we can put up a king and pull the strings or something\u2026?\u00a0 I mean, I can imagine what\u2019s going to happen if I suddenly grab the microphone and say, \u2018Yo, I\u2019m your Patriarch!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have an idea \u2013 why don\u2019t you just do it and see what happens?\u201d<\/p>\n Tom shrugged.\u00a0 BOB was omnipotent, after all.\u00a0\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t much space to argue.\u00a0 He packed for a big trip and stumbled out into the desert.\u00a0 No one followed him and he traveled for three days until BOB came unto him again: \u201cGo back!\u201d BOB shouted, \u201cand get everyone to follow you, for you are to lead people who will be endlessly persecuted.\u00a0 You shall settle in a land which you’ll be fighting for throughout the next forty centuries!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou didn\u2019t mention that before,\u201d Tom muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cYou want a challenge, don\u2019t you?\u201d BOB asked.<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, you do.\u201d BOB said through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n After looking at BOB\u2019s eyes, Tom quickly headed back and asked everyone to come with him to the promised land. Unfortunately, Tom told them what BOB had said about the persecution and the fighting so, of course, no one would follow. It was time for a plan, and Tom was a master at hatching nasty little schemes. It was a talent he didn\u2019t call on much, but this was a special case.\u00a0 Likewise, he knew that failing BOB would not be a healthy thing to do. So he kidnapped the town mayor\u2019s daughter and ran out into the desert.\u00a0 Enraged, the town (or rather, the people of the town) formed a posse and gave chase.<\/p>\n They (Tom & Captive Beautiful Woman) eventually arrived at an area outside Egypt where they could rest for the night.\u00a0 They knew that the next day would find them within the boundaries of the Fayro\u2019s kingdom and they would, no doubt, stumble into the great Fayro\u2019s troops.\u00a0 Despite this, Tom was feeling relaxed enough to let his delicious hostage out of the small traveling bag he had kept her in for most of the journey.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is your name?\u201d he asked after she was through choking and stumbling around.<\/p>\n \u201cMy name is Vinyl.\u201d She answered dutifully as soon as she got her wits back.\u00a0 Traveling through the desert in a bag really did have a tendency to scramble brains.\u00a0 Vinyl wished she had remembered that from the last time.\u00a0 She would have put up more of a struggle.<\/p>\n Tom nodded and pointed towards the horizon, \u201cVinyl, that is Egypt. We must pass through there. When we do, the people of Egypt will look upon your beauty and want you!\u00a0 Thus shall they kill me and rape you repeatedly.\u00a0 Unless you’re a crazy chick and into gang-banging – \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cI’m not.\u201d Vinyl said quickly.<\/p>\n \u201cVery good, then.\u00a0 I kind of lose my advantage whenever the girl leaves.\u00a0 I have developed a cunning plan:\u00a0 You are to claim to be a man (ex-man) and remark to everyone you see that your sexual preference is hedgehogs.\u201d<\/p>\n Vinyl nodded her head in admiration of this plan. \u201cI say… yo\u00adu’re an awfully cute guy. Why don’t we just get married?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe are already married in the eyes of BOB,\u201d Tom replied.\u00a0 Gently, he took her hand and pressed it against the front of his pants.\u00a0 \u201cI’m not much for the romantic thing, Vinyl.\u00a0 But I’ll give it a shot: I got a huge boner for you.\u201d<\/p>\n Vinyl blushed, then grinned.\u00a0 \u201cThat’s so sweet.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe will rest here tonight,\u201d Tom said unto Vinyl, \u201cAnd tomorrow we shall pass through Egypt.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRest is the last thing I had in mind.\u201d Vinyl replied.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe it\u2019s being thrown into a bag, but I can hardly contain myself.\u201d And, so, she leapt upon her captor and began to take him roughly. At the moment of orgasm, she asked Tom to punch her in the face. From that moment, Tom was truly in love.\u00a0 When his time came, he moved his member to her mouth and filled her up with his creamy man-mix, then allowed her to spit it out in his face and knee him in the balls.\u00a0 The two young lovers then rested for the night.<\/p>\n In the morning, Tom led Vinyl down to Egypt while, about a day behind, the angry lynch mob led by Vinyl\u2019s parents followed the trail.<\/p>\n Tom and Vinyl entered the great city of \u201cFayro Mutenhamenns Greatest City Ever Built\u201d and looked at all of the sites.\u00a0 The Fayro had certainly placed many amazing sculptures throughout his \u201cGreatest City,\u201d some monuments were even more impressive than the old \u201cFayro Smackramen II’s Greatest City Ever Built\u201d, standing in ruins about 100 feet from Mutenhamenns Greatest City.<\/p>\n \u201cEvery man in charge has to prove something,\u201d Vinyl said sadly, gazing up at a giant statue of the Fayro Mutenhamenns 178th son by his 67th concubine.<\/p>\n \u201cDon’t go lesbian on me!\u201d Tom shouted, \u201cI’m in charge, and I don’t want to prove anything.\u201d<\/p>\n Vinyl disagreed, shaking her head sadly.\u00a0 \u201cYou’ll have to prove that you’re in charge.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am in charge!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut you\u2019ll have to prove it\u2026 Every man needs to taste power.\u201d<\/p>\n Tom laughed, \u201cAny power I have comes from BOB.\u00a0 What the hell do I care if people don’t believe me and walk away?\u00a0 Less trouble for me, really.\u00a0 I mean, honestly, fuck them all.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou say that because you are unsure of your authority,\u201d Vinyl muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cI know my fucking authority. I could sodomize you and flush your head in the toilet right now if I wanted to.\u00a0 That\u2019s authority. Okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou are truly a remarkable man,\u201d Vinyl breathed.\u00a0 Her breath caught in her throat as she saw a public restroom and she started to point it out to Tom.\u00a0 But the man was muttering something under his breath and dragging her away.<\/p>\n Meanwhile, as Tom had predicted, the Fayro saw the beauty of Vinyl.\u00a0 The great Fayro soon attempted to approach her.\u00a0 He snuck up to her in the bookstore and caught her at a quiet moment.<\/p>\n \u201cSay,\u201d the Fayro said to Vinyl, \u201cis this guy boring you?\u201d he nodded his head towards Tom, who was reading the back of a porno novel.\u00a0 \u201cI’ve got syphilis and I’m a nymphomaniac.\u00a0 Why don’t we go back to my palace and take a bath in cherry yogurt?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat was a fabulous come-on line!\u201d Tom whispered discreetly, looking up from his book to watch the proceedings.\u00a0 Oh, yes, Tom was a smart cookie.\u00a0 Alert, too.<\/p>\n \u201cNo thanks,\u201d Vinyl said to the Fayro in a deep voice, \u201cI’m really a guy and I only deflower hedgehogs and marsupials.\u00a0 You have the brain of a small mammal; alas, you have no pouch in which to put your young.\u00a0 Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about reptiles?\u201d the Fayro asked.<\/p>\n Vinyl leaned close. \u201cI’ve got a special pill that will give you large breasts.\u201d<\/p>\n The shocked Fayro backed away and let the two pass.\u00a0 Neverthe\u00adless, BOB struck the Fayro’s house with a plague and sent a battalion of large men to rough him up.\u00a0 Well, at the least, to give him quite a good dusting.<\/p>\n By the time the Fayro had escaped from the septic tank where the large men had stuffed him, the angry lynch mob that had been following Tom had already passed through the grand country of Egypt.<\/p>\n Eventually Tom, Vinyl, and the angry crowd arrived at a real nice place somewhere East of Egypt.\u00a0 Tom settled there and explained to the angry crowd that he and Vinyl were in love.\u00a0 There was a nice wedding, and it was not long before a large town was built on the spot.<\/p>\n Later, Tom discovered that Vinyl could bear no children – she hated <\/em>them!\u00a0 But Tom, feeling mortal and limited, had an extreme desire to procreate – thus assuring his immortal will in a physical form.<\/p>\n \u201cI want a child,\u201d Tom told her.<\/p>\n \u201cThen go screw the maid!\u201d Vinyl retorted.\u00a0 She’d gotten tired of this argument very quickly and often threw this half-joking response at Tom.\u00a0 But, on one particular evening, Tom decided to go ahead and see the maid.\u00a0 A man\u2019s gotta do what a man\u2019s gotta do.\u00a0 Good old Tom loaded up on tequila and went to the maid’s tent.\u00a0 The maid, a stunning beauty by the way, didn’t quite know how to take the arrival of her master.\u00a0 Tom, pished out of his box, stumbled up to her with his schnooz in his hand demanding instant gratification.\u00a0 Nothing suited her more, of course, as she saw that her master was quite large and more than ready.\u00a0 The maid, who is an incidental character never to be mentioned again, had fantasized of this moment and was eager to please (she had to keep working for those Christmas bonuses, don’t you know!).<\/p>\n The maid bore Tom a child whom he named Male.\u00a0 A redheaded stepchild to beat at Christmas-time, and this was what pleased Tom the most.\u00a0 Now he could get out all of that hidden aggression against his father that he had kept bottled up for so long.\u00a0 (Beat me, will you?\u00a0 Who do you love?\u00a0 You love your work!)\u00a0 Poor Male.\u00a0 Oh well, the kid probably deserved it.\u00a0 Bad Karma.<\/p>\n Shortly after Male’s birth, a priest took the young child to a secret area of Manly goodness.\u00a0 A slimy, smoke-filled ditch that was walled with pictures of naked women and had a roof formed from a large, lubricated condom.\u00a0 Young Male was set on a desk and circumcised by a letter opener – and all the mistakes were stapled back together.\u00a0 With this, a new covenant was born.<\/p>\n And later that day, BOB came unto Tom and said. \u201cYou are to become Dad to everyone who is cool.\u00a0 Your people have been chosen to be pretty damn nifty, and I want you to set up their laws.\u00a0 Your name shall now be Abrahamilton!\u201d<\/p>\n And Abrahamilton looked up at BOB. \u201cOne thing, Great BOB…?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDestroy my brother Lots because I don’t like him.\u201d<\/p>\n BOB thought about this, wondering who Lots was, and then he said: \u201cI shall go and destroy him.\u00a0 Then I shall take him and force him to join the Jehovah’s Witnesses where he shall surely go mad.\u201d<\/p>\n And it came to pass.\u00a0 BOB screwed Lots over lots and Abrahamilton assumed his position over the tribe he now called \u201cthe Hebos\u201d.\u00a0 But the story of Lots is not completed, for BOB actually spared Abra\u00adhamilton’s brother.\u00a0 Before the destruction of the city where Lots had made his home, BOB gave the poor sap a fair chance to make a run for it.\u00a0 The Great One made the following comments on an episode of \u201c60 Minutes\u201d concerning this incident:<\/p>\n BEGIN TRANSCRIPT 4\/13\/87; 17:43:44 (\u201cBOB UNVEILED\u201d)<\/p>\n \u201cI never really enjoyed destroying cities.\u00a0 I mean, every time I had to destroy upwards of two hundred thousand people, I found myself feeling guilty.\u00a0 Now, Lots had moved himself to a big city.\u00a0 I mean there was a whole bunch of people there.\u00a0 It just didn’t feel right to blow all these people to pieces, so I figured that everything would work out if I gave Lots his freedom and then annihilated the city.\u00a0 That’s where the trouble began.\u00a0 You see, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.\u00a0 So, I decided to simply test the faith of Lots and his family.\u00a0 I came to them and told them that I would cause a total solar eclipse and that they must not look at it.\u00a0 Lots agreed right away, but his wife asked me about the eclipse.\u00a0 I described the event to her and informed her that she would not be able to see such an eclipse for another 25 years. That\u2019s when she became unruly.<\/p>\n \u201cIf it’s such a big event, she said, why can’t we look at it?<\/p>\n \u201cI replied that she just wasn\u2019t allowed to look at the solar eclipse.\u00a0 It’ll be bad.<\/p>\n \u201cSo she asks me why it would be bad.\u00a0 I mean, now she was whining.<\/p>\n \u201cJust don’t look at it, I said, it’s a bad thing to look at the eclipse.<\/p>\n \u201cShe says to me \u2018What\u2019s with this good-bad thing?\u00a0 If the eclipse is going to be something that we won’t be able to see in 25 years, and if it’ll be such a spectacle, then why shouldn’t we look at it?\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cI was becoming uncertain at this point.\u00a0 I told her, again, that she shouldn\u2019t look at the eclipse.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, in the end, the eclipse blacked out the land and Lots’ wife couldn’t contain herself.\u00a0 She ran outside and looked up at the eclipse, so I turned her into a pillar of chives.<\/p>\n \u201cI know what you’re thinking, and you’re right.\u00a0 But when she went against my request and looked up at the eclipse, I had to think fast.\u00a0 Right there in front of me was a potato, and the first thing that popped into my head was \u2018chives\u2019.\u00a0 Then – boom! – there it was.\u00a0 Sometimes I’m funny like that.\u00a0 Is that a sugar cookie?\u201d<\/p>\n Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Last time on \u201cThe Boble\u201d \u2013 Ready?\u00a0 With me:\u00a0 ich bin; du bist; sie sind; er ist. Horen Sie zu und weiderholun Sie: Sabine studiert Medizin. Sabine likes to look at naked little boys. Sie lebt in Amerika. Since her …<\/p>\n
\nNext time on \u201cThe Boble\u201d:<\/em><\/p>\n