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Hi, I’d like to talk about Mindy Clark’s ass.\u00a0 I’ve been obsessed with it since 1993.\u00a0 And, I mean, truly obsessed.\u00a0 Like a Jessica Alba level of obsession.\u00a0 I’m so glad they gave Alba’s ass its own show.\u00a0 Of course, it got cancelled after two years because there’s only so much that Jessica Alba’s ass can do as an actress.<\/p>\n
Anyway!\u00a0 Mindy Clark, who is currently old enough to be Jessica Alba’s mother, had a great ass back in 1993.\u00a0 She’s Melinda Clark now that she’s all growed up and, I bet, you’ve seen her in countless character roles through the years.\u00a0 She’s one of those “Oh yeah, her!” actresses.<\/p>\n
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RotLD3 picks up where RotLD2 left off, where… Well, RotLD2 sucks ass, so it’s not worth talking about.\u00a0 And I mean it sucks Val Kilmer ass, not Jessica Alba ass.\u00a0 Part 3 is a little better:\u00a0 Pretty girl dies, pretty girl becomes a zombie, idiot hero goes to hell to save her, comedy adventure ensues.\u00a0 Right, that’s all that needs to be said.\u00a0 Review over.\u00a0 Let’s talk about Jessica Alba…<\/p>\n
Okay, sorry.\u00a0 We’ll talk about Sarah Douglas, who plays Col. Sinclair.\u00a0 She’s a goddamned pretty girl and, incredibly, she has an ass!\u00a0 It’s like some sort of cosmic conjunction…all these girls with asses.\u00a0 She’s another one of those “Oh yeah, her!” actresses. Always good to see her on board.\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Wait, the story.\u00a0 We’ll talk about the story.
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\nThe original <i>Return of the Living Dead<\/i> came out in 1985 and, tongue firmly in cheek, billed itself as part of the famous Romero series of zombie films.\u00a0 Loosely set after Romero’s <i>Night of the Living Dead<\/i>, the zombie menace had been successfully controlled by our noble government.\u00a0 The zombies, indestructible, were stored in oil barrels and hidden throughout the country.\u00a0 We saw that plot device copied shamelessly for the update of <i>War of the Worlds<\/i>, which ran as a TV series from 1988 to 1990.<\/p>\n
One night, at a local morgue, two yahoos accidentally wake up them there zombies and guess what?\u00a0\u00a0 Comedy terror ensues.\u00a0 To become a zombie, you simply need to breathe the anti-marijuana gas in some way.\u00a0 Once that happens, then you die, wake up, and have a powerful hunger for liiiive braaaaiiinnnsss!!!\u00a0 Your quest for live brains takes you through three movies, with a fourth one, directed by Tobe Hooper, in post production!\u00a0 Lord deliver us.\u00a0 RotLD is a comedy.\u00a0 It’s the <i>Saturday the 14th<\/i> of zombie films.\u00a0 Huh?\u00a0 What’s <i>Saturday the 14th<\/i>?\u00a0 Well, kids, you know <i>Scream<\/i>?\u00a0 Okay, so take the same script from <i>Saturday the 14th<\/i> and film it with a larger budget 15 years later and you have <i>Scream<\/i>.\u00a0 Amazing.\u00a0 Why do we even need writers anymore?\u00a0 Just change the title, bill it as your own, and you’re good to go.<\/p>\n
RotLD ends with the famous “contingency plan” gag, where Chicago or Detroit or wherever the stupid movie is set is nuked out of existence.\u00a0 That only serves to spread the zombie virus through the air, which is where RotLD2 picks up.\u00a0 But we’re not going to talk about that movie.\u00a0 I’d rather discuss Sandy Bullock’s ass.<\/p>\n
In an attempt to regain lost profits after part two, RotLD3 hit in 1993.\u00a0 It didn’t do well, but it took a nice artistic turn in that it developed a zombie sub culture.
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\nMindy Clark plays what we would consider a “goth chick” in modern times.\u00a0 In 1994, she would be classified as “neo-punk.”\u00a0 Think Samantha Mathis in <i>Pump Up the Volume<\/i>.\u00a0 Same thing.\u00a0 Mindy runs into some trouble because she’s a rebellious girl who likes sex.\u00a0 Tsk, tsk, young lady.\u00a0 The great Kent McCord plays our idiot hero’s disapproving military father.\u00a0 He was also the disapproving military father in <i>Farscape<\/i>, so it’s a particular thrill to see him on the screen.\u00a0 Of course, he’s been in everything.<\/p>\n
So while Mindy gets naked, the secret yet underfunded Pentagon research center is working on the zombies captured from the previous movies. Sarah Douglas vamps her way through the continuing analysis of the living dead and we learn why they are the living dead and why they need live brains.\u00a0 Apparently, the US government spilled a secret chemical and that started everything.\u00a0 Now, the Pentagon is seeking a “humane” way to cure the problem and see that “some good” comes from the “horrible things” that have happened.\u00a0 Good thing Sarah Douglas has been assigned to the task force, because her job is to build super soldiers.\u00a0 But, ssshhh!\u00a0 Secret!<\/p>\n
Just in case you think the RotLD series is losing its comic bent, rest assured.\u00a0 The reason for the creation of the zombie chemical was to combat marijuana in 1969.\u00a0 “We were going to use it as a weapon against the war on marijuana…but something went wrong!”\u00a0 Tee-hee!\u00a0 The gist of the first two films is covered during the weapon against marijuana speech, which lasts about 45 seconds.\u00a0 Honestly, that’s all you need. You can watch RotLD3 without bothering to find the first two on the shelves.\u00a0 Is it a bad thing that two movies can be summed up in 45 seconds?\u00a0 Nah!\u00a0 These are classics!
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\nSo with the dead walking the Earth for the last 30 years because of Nixon’s foolish war on marijuana, you can bet that Mindy Clark’s evening with her idiot boyfriend isn’t going to go smoothly.\u00a0 But not before we get to see how long her tongue is.\u00a0 The plotline makes no sense, but that’s something noticeable from the first seven minutes, so that’s okay.\u00a0 Mindy gets rubbed out because her idiot boyfriend (our idiot hero) can’t drive a motorcycle while getting a handjob.\u00a0 Come on!\u00a0 Every guy learns how to handle that one.\u00a0 Grief stricken, our idiot hero sneaks into his father’s lab and zombifies Mindy.\u00a0 They flee the Keystone Government troops and get in trouble in the sewers beneath LA.\u00a0 What ensues?\u00a0 Comedy, piercing, gore, sex, nipples and brain eating.<\/p>\n
Mindy Clark and others provide a stunning commentary on the DVD – discussing nudity before the titles are finished.\u00a0 “Can’t get naked now, I’m a mother.\u00a0 Actually, I guess my child will see this eventually.”\u00a0 To which the director replies, “I wanted to get Sarah Douglas naked, as well.\u00a0 I’ve always wanted to see her naked.\u00a0 She said no.”\u00a0 Now that’s how a commentary should begin.
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\n<b>Nacho’s gin rating:<\/b>\u00a0 Ode to Mindy Clark<\/p>\n
The sparkling green eyes!<br>
\nThe pillowed lips!<br>
\nThe fantastic body!<br>
\nThe weird hair!<br>
\nThe caked on makeup!<br>
\nOh!\u00a0 Mindy Clark!<br>
\nI love you!<br><\/p>\n
Four stars – one for each of Mindy’s breasts, one for Sarah and another as a general gore bonus.<\/p>\n
Watch out for:\u00a0 Mindy tits, paper-rock-scissors and zombie fu.\u00a0 By the way, between you and me, it’s probably not a great idea to bring your punk rock girlfriend back as a flesh-eating, invincible zombie.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[50,352],"tags":[403,353,363,197],"class_list":["post-2563","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cult-culture","category-gsarchive","tag-cult-culture","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-return-of-the-living-dead","tag-zombies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2563","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2563"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2563\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2778,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2563\/revisions\/2778"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2563"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2563"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2563"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}