{"id":256,"date":"2008-11-12T06:03:31","date_gmt":"2008-11-12T11:03:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=256"},"modified":"2018-10-31T09:26:17","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T13:26:17","slug":"the-boble-iv-lots-of-water-part-two-of-two","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=256","title":{"rendered":"The Boble IV: Lots of Water (part two of two)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Part one is right here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

And part two begins now\u2026
\n
\nFADE IN:<\/em><\/p>\n

C.U. \u2013 Telephone Receiver<\/em><\/p>\n

JUDY (O.S) Hello BOB, you’ve reached 1-900-MORAL-DILEMMA, have your credit card number ready!\u00a0 My name is Judy, and I’ll be your representative today.\u00a0 What can I do for you?<\/em><\/p>\n

(Judy is very happy.\u00a0 Her voice should be all smiles.\u00a0 I\u2019d like a chirpy yet sexy voice\u2026you know, the attractive fat girl voice.)<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. BOB\u2019s Voodoo Pad \u2013 Day<\/em><\/p>\n

(If you could have BOB wearing that smoking jacket he had for the \u201cCheese Whiz\u201d skit, that\u2019ll be cool.\u00a0 Maybe silk pajamas \u2013 but definitely a jacket or robe of some sort.)<\/em><\/p>\n

BOB: Well, I’m pondering about destroying the world and everyone therein.<\/em><\/p>\n

JUDY (O.S.)\u00a0 Thereon.<\/em><\/p>\n

BOB: What?<\/em><\/p>\n

JUDY (O.S.) Everyone thereon<\/em><\/p>\n

BOB: Uh…yeah.\u00a0 Thereon.\u00a0 Whatever.<\/em><\/p>\n

JUDY (O.S.) Well, Mister BOB, that’s quite a moral dilemma indeed!\u00a0 You’ve called the right place!\u00a0 My advice, if I may humbly supply you with it, is to flood the entire planet except for a chosen person and his family.\u00a0 Tell that one person to gather all the animals together to preserve the way of BOB on Earth.\u00a0 Oh, and be sure to kill the I.R.S., and let me live.<\/em><\/p>\n

BOB: That was quick.<\/em><\/p>\n

Judy: Well, it\u2019s a stock answer\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

CUT TO AUDIENCE<\/em><\/p>\n

APPLAUSE
\n<\/em>
\nBOB now had his idea.\u00a0 In a deep voice he announced that he was going to flood the planet.\u00a0 Now he had to seek out a good person…<\/p>\n

Thus was Nowaya.\u00a0 Nowaya was an average fellow.\u00a0 A charming guy doing his best for a dollar and living in the man\u2019s world.\u00a0 He had always wanted to be more but simply couldn’t get a break.\u00a0 Every time he felt like he was getting ahead, something seemed to short-circuit his hopes.\u00a0 For this, he blamed the Chinese, or maybe (and more likely) his wife.\u00a0 He tried not to blame the Chinese for everything, but that was so hard when Nowaya constantly found himself hard up for cash or free time.\u00a0 He just knew that Chinamen were doing better statistically and that burnt him up.\u00a0 Often, he took out these fears on his wife – whom he had met in the Hunan province some years earlier.<\/p>\n

To bring in extra cash, Nowaya made contraceptives on the side.\u00a0 He used what he called \u201cthe skin of a virgin child\u201d to create the perfect condom.\u00a0 It is possible that such a description could have been a marketing ploy as his best paying customers were Chinese businessmen.<\/p>\n

Nowaya lived out in the \u2018burbs.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a great part of town, but it was the best he could afford.\u00a0 His dad had really worked himself into the ground, what with all the boozing and whoring.\u00a0 But it was the inheritance that had bought Nowaya his suburban house so, in the end, he was proud of his pop.\u00a0\u00a0 He spent his days a pious man — he feared his wife, teased his dog and stole from his kids.<\/p>\n

Nowaya was the image of a loose, BOB-fearing type.\u00a0 In the end, he was cool.\u00a0 By \u2018cool,\u2019 we mean that he didn’t like coconut slurpees. That definition of \u2018cool,\u2019 of course, is selectively cool and may not be appreciated by BOB-lovers living in other stages of \u2018cool.\u2019 Suffice it to say that Nowaya was the best example of \u2018cool\u2019 at the right time and place.\u00a0 He hung out in parks after dark and used his voodoo on all them young whyte hos.\u00a0 He mixed Pixie Stix into his coffee at work and became vicious and misanthropic.<\/p>\n

In the last days before BOB came to Nowaya, the Great One saw to it that his chosen man landed a good job — a seat at Line 7 in the Department of Motor Vehicles, where his only job require\u00adment was to look important enough to attract a lengthy line.\u00a0 He would then tell all the patrons that they were in the wrong line when they finally made it up to his window.<\/p>\n

And lo, BOB noticed how well Nowaya matured and grew in his new job.\u00a0 Thus it was that BOB came unto Nowaya in the guise of Bob Smith, Part-Time Hygienist.\u00a0 On the evening the Great BOB had chosen to visit Nowaya, the good and righteous servant of all things BOB was in bed testing his latest contraceptive.<\/p>\n

\u201cNowaya!\u201d BOB shouted in the unsuspecting Nowaya\u2019s ear while, at the same time, shaking the poor man viciously.<\/p>\n

Nowaya had been lying beneath the taut body of his seventeen-year-old lover.\u00a0 BOB\u2019s startling appearance ended the bliss and the chosen one of BOB leapt up and crossed the room to where he kept his pair of .45\u2019s.\u00a0 He held them just like his favorite Hong Kong action star and snarled, \u201cMotherfucker!\u00a0 What you want?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry,\u201d BOB grinned at the young girl.\u00a0 He sat next to her and placed his expert hand on her inner thigh. She was spellbound, unable to move. \u201cYou know, infidelity is one thing. Incest is another,\u201d BOB pointed out.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s my wife\u2019s cousin!\u201d Nowaya shouted. It\u2019s not like she\u2019s my daughter!\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB raised one finger, his other trailing further up the girl\u2019s leg.\u00a0 Her head fell back as she moaned, clutching BOB\u2019s wrist and thrusting his hand deeper.<\/p>\n

Nowaya watched all of this with an open mouth, unable to reply for a few moments. Then he turned to BOB.\u00a0 He let his guns drop for a moment.\u00a0 The girl was clutching at BOB\u2019s arm, writhing in pleasure.\u00a0 Nowaya asked, \u201cWho are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have come, Nowaya – \u201c the girl let out a vicious scream, and Nowaya gritted his teeth. \u201cAnd so has she!\u201d BOB laughed heartily, but stopped quickly when he noticed Nowaya staring angrily at him. \u201cI – er – \u201c BOB removed his hand with a guilty look.\u00a0 \u201cI have come in the name of all that is great.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nowaya, suspecting that this old boy had something up his sleeve, muttered darkly and raised his guns again.<\/p>\n

BOB cleared his throat.\u00a0 That alone should send chills up your spine.\u00a0 It should make you scream out with BOBishness until your throat gets dry and you need another drink.\u00a0 At least, those were some of Nowaya\u2019s reactions for, at that point, Nowaya fully realized who was in his room. Being great of spirit, Nowaya saw through BOB\u2019s rather flimsy disguise and knew the great God for who he was: The\u2026great God. Nowaya became so excited that his contraceptive burst.<\/p>\n

BOB, meanwhile, was totally unscripted. That means that the following is some pretty fantastic acting!\u00a0 In order to save face, BOB\u2019s first reaction was to pretend as if Nowaya hadn’t guessed his true identity.\u00a0 He kept up the Bob Smith charade, perhaps simply so he could talk about himself in the third person.\u00a0 There’s a certain literary fulfillment with such an action.\u00a0 \u201cBOB has seen Man’s wickedness on Earth.\u201d BOB said, \u201cAnd He is sorry that He has created Man, and now wishes to cause him a horribly slow and painful death.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCause who a slow death?\u201d Nowaya asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh…Man.\u201d BOB replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo Man wants to cause\u2026but\u2026BOB\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. BOB wants to cause Man a slow death.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nowaya thought for a moment.\u00a0 This Great One was obviously drunk. \u201cJust in general?\u00a0 All men?\u00a0 All humans?\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB squinted slightly. \u201cYes. All men. But you, Nowaya, are not on His shit list. You have been chosen to survive.\u00a0 But BOB shall destroy all men, women, and children, because He is a just and fair God.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think that works.\u201d Nowaya mumbled. \u201cWhere\u2019d BOB get an idea like that?\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB grimaced and tilted his head slightly, \u201cFrom some girl on the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSome girl!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA telephone operator.\u201d BOB replied defensively.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs long as she\u2019s qualified,\u201d Nowaya mumbled.\u00a0 \u201cThis really doesn\u2019t sound like a wise move, though\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d BOB replied dejectedly, \u201cBOB has an odd feeling that He is not considering all the factors… Oh well!\u00a0 BOB’ll do it anyway and worry about consequences afterwards.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAin\u2019t that the way\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB smiled. \u201cIndeed.\u00a0 Anyway, BOB decrees that you must build a big ship and gather every animal on Earth.\u00a0 Place the animals on the boat, take your wife, and wait a while.\u00a0 It will rain for a long time, and you shall then float around.\u00a0 Bye, then.\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB vanished awkwardly.\u00a0 The great and almighty God was having second thoughts. Now that he actually had voiced his plan out loud, it really did sound flawed. But to admit that in front of Nowaya would show weakness, which would be admitting fallibility, which would cause the demise of all things BOB. So speed on with that sinister plan, O BOB.<\/p>\n

So Nowaya built a big ark.\u00a0 Hell, he wasn’t doing anything else anyway.\u00a0 Once completed, he set forth to gather all the animals of the Earth. First, he gathered all the males.\u00a0 BOB sent an angry letter the next morning about this, we can assure you! Then Nowaya returned all the males and collected all the females.\u00a0 Again, a problem arose.\u00a0 Finally, Nowaya collected a female and a male of each animal.\u00a0 He had to break a bitchload of laws to get some of the endangered animals rounded up and by the time the ark was finished, Nowaya was a wanted man in 48 countries.<\/p>\n

Once the animals were collected, Nowaya lined them up in orderly rows. He sent the animals to the showers without water and had them all cut up into little tiny pieces. The pieces were then sealed within watertight plastic bags and stowed beneath the floor of the ark\u2019s game room. After all, animals were dirty and would have spoiled that fresh new ark smell.<\/p>\n

As Nowaya built the great ark, the doomed people came to watch.\u00a0 Most of them ended up harassing BOB\u2019s chosen, as well as calling him names such as Crevasse, Snorkel, Sneezeball, Limphanger, Twistedloin and so on.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, in Bob Heavens (where there is soggy sausage), BOB pondered about how he would go about flooding the planet.\u00a0 He knew, you see, that scientists of the future would contradict all that he had done by proving it scientifically impossible.\u00a0 He decided to grab the first two angels he could find and get an outside opinion.<\/p>\n

There were two Office Angels at the water cooler, talking dirty about one of the female angels working down in the mailroom.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey there,\u201d BOB interrupted, stepping up and getting a paper cup.\u00a0 He filled the cup with water and smiled reassuringly at the now awkward angels.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026hello boss.\u201d One of the angels muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo I was thinking about flooding the Earth, you know?\u00a0 Maybe just the major spots between the T & E, that sort of thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, we heard something about that.\u201d The angel replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was going to have a few people survive \u2013 one of them is Nowaya.\u00a0 We\u2019ll put him in the book.\u201d<\/p>\n

The second angel seemed very uncomfortable, \u201cUh, that\u2019s the guy who\u2019s balling the seventeen-year-old, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB nodded, \u201cUh-huh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy\u2026uh\u2026why that one?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d BOB tensed.<\/p>\n

The angel put his hands up in front of his face, \u201cRight, sorry boss, whatever you say.\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB leaned back against the cooler, \u201cAnyway, I\u2019m worried that scientists will shoot me down, say it\u2019s an exaggeration.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no,\u201d the first angel said, \u201cthere\u2019ll be evidence.\u00a0 Just have them do a dig.\u00a0 Floods and shit like that show up in the soil.\u00a0 No problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the whole planet is out of the question?\u00a0 I mean, flooding-wise?\u201d<\/p>\n

The angels looked at each other.\u00a0 The second angel spoke, \u201cBut wouldn\u2019t that mean punishing innocents?\u00a0 I mean, you visited that one town in the desert and now you want to destroy nomads in the Arctic?\u201d The second angel jumped as BOB tensed again, \u201cI mean, you can do that because\u2026because\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you\u2019re cool.\u201d The first angel looked hunted, gripping his empty paper cup and shaking slightly.\u00a0 \u201cUm\u2026so, if you flood the area between the T & E in a way that can never be repeated, it\u2019ll be believable and there\u2019ll be scientific evidence thousands of years from now.\u00a0 Not to mention that the only written word comes out of that area, so if we put that short-eyes of yours in the book, the story will spread.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, cool.\u00a0 Thanks.\u201d\u00a0 BOB shook the angel\u2019s hand and headed back to his office.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay!\u201d BOB then called out, \u201cLet it rain real hard!\u201d<\/p>\n

And it did!\u00a0 So there.\u00a0 You don\u2019t really need science to be God.\u00a0 Hell, when BOB created Man he didn’t know jack shit about DNA.\u00a0 Cancer, color-blindness, alcoholism, every genetic defect is simply stemmed from an extreme lack of scientific knowledge.\u00a0 It was a nightmare for a supreme being to see such chaos, don’t you understand?\u00a0 BOB thought to himself that the flood was a very good thing.\u00a0 To wipe out Man would solve so many problems.\u00a0 BOB could start again \u2013 and this time he\u2019d use some reference books.<\/p>\n

BOB allowed himself a nostalgic moment as the rains came down.\u00a0 He remembered how easy it was when Man was just a group of fuzzy beasts frolicking in the oceans and the forests.\u00a0 Dumb, hairy beasts with nary a care in the world.\u00a0 Why BOB had to involve himself any further was a mystery.<\/p>\n

BOB\u2019s nostalgia was thanks to a Woman’s influence.\u00a0 For quite some time, BOB had been having a whirlwind romance with someone the angels called `Mistress Eve’.\u00a0 She was all the red-headed, pepperminty goodness any superior being needed.\u00a0 It was rumored that she was the daughter of some other god from some alternate dimension, but the angels in Bob Heavens (where there is realistic sausage) believed that Eve was just a prostitute who was trying to fleece the whole operation.\u00a0 They preferred the brunette BOB had brought home from Hot Monkey Love.\u00a0 She\u2019d been sent off to Bermuda with a squad of angels and told not to bother getting in touch again.\u00a0 Oh, the heartbreak of a fickle lover\u2026<\/p>\n

Back down on Earth, the rains fell across the known world. Nowaya sat in his boat and toasted to his health while society collapsed.<\/p>\n

In the city of Hot Monkey Love, the people climbed atop their roofs and cried unto BOB:\u00a0 \u201cWhy have you betrayed us?\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB answered them slowly…so slowly, in fact, that he didn’t finish telling them until they had died.\u00a0 Then BOB and Mistress Eve took off for an extended bird-watching trip in the tropics.<\/p>\n

The waters maintained their crest for quite a while and Nowaya’s ark floated around.\u00a0 Years passed until, eventually, BOB returned to Bob Heavens (where there is tanned sausage) from his tropical vacation.\u00a0 He sheepishly remembered poor Nowaya.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoly Sausages, Batman!\u00a0 I’m sorry!\u201d BOB told Nowaya. \u201cYou were so lowly and unimportant that I forgot all about you.\u201d\u00a0 BOB then told a rather peeved Nowaya to send a bird out to find land.<\/p>\n

And so Nowaya released a crow.\u00a0 But the crow got sucked into the jet intake of an airliner.<\/p>\n

And so Nowaya released a sparrow.\u00a0 But the sparrow slammed into a plate glass window.<\/p>\n

And so Nowaya released a duck.\u00a0 But a hunter shot it.<\/p>\n

And so Nowaya sent a dove.\u00a0 But the dove inexplicably exploded. (We’re running out of ideas.\u00a0 You can tell, can’t you?\u00a0 You’ve already guessed.\u00a0 You hate us!\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Why?!)<\/p>\n

And so Nowaya sent a genetically engineered flying chicken (of pure Aryan stock), which went forth and found land.\u00a0 When the chicken returned days later with a poison ivy leaf, Nowaya set out to find his new home.\u00a0 It was a difficult journey as Nowaya, without thinking, had slaughtered his chicken-guide for the victory dinner.\u00a0 But his boat was pointed in the promised direction and as long as he kept the shadow of his cock on his left side, he was sure he could make landfall.\u00a0 And, lo, he made it safely to land.<\/p>\n

After the crew got rid of the poison ivy rashes, Nowaya and his people settled on the top of a mountain.<\/p>\n

\u201cSay, Nowaya…\u201d BOB said, appearing in a levitating lounge chair, \u201cI guess I’m sorry for what I did.\u00a0 I bless you, and would like to tell your kids to be fruitful and multiply.\u00a0 But in order to have kids to be fruitful and multiply, you have to be fruitful and multiply.\u201d\u00a0 BOB laughed heartily.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d asked Nowaya.<\/p>\n

\u201cBe fruitful and multiply!\u201d BOB gushed happily, \u201cAnyway, I promise that I will never flood the Earth again.\u00a0 I shall give the Earth to you, and never destroy it with water.\u00a0 There will be no more floods.\u201d\u00a0 BOB was stressing a point, though it was more to the audience than to Nowaya.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re saying you do have plans to destroy the Earth some other way?\u201d Nowaya asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u201d BOB looked away, \u201cWell…subdue the Earth and have fun.\u00a0 The water will soon dry up, and I’m sure that the animals will successfully multiply.\u00a0 I’d like to see how the crow and all those others do, though.\u00a0 Okay, gotta go!\u201d<\/p>\n

And he did.<\/p>\n

And everyone had lots of kids.<\/p>\n

<><><><><><><><\/p>\n

Next time on The Boble:<\/em><\/p>\n

He built a tower to defy BOB, he betrayed his people to False Rob, and he couldn\u2019t get laid to save his life.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Part one is right here. And part two begins now\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-256","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/256","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=256"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/256\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1014,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/256\/revisions\/1014"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=256"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=256"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=256"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}