<\/p>\n
A Greatsociety reader got me Laserblast<\/em> after perusing my Amazon Laserblastis one of my childhood favorites because it stars Enter Billy Duncan, (played by Kim Milford who died 10 years later from His sweetheart is the granddaughter of a tinfoil-hat former army man, Cheryl Smith was a rock star hanger on who, throughout the 70’s, found I was first introduced to Cheryl on Skinimax – Friday night often saw a repeat of the “adult version” of Cinderella<\/em>, where Cheryl Smith was the owner of a snapping pussy.\u00a0 All singing and all dancing, Cinderella<\/em> Long, tall Cheryl can be spotted in Nice Dreams, Parasite, Vice Academy, Up in Smoke, Pom Pom Girls, Phantom of the Paradise, Caged Heat<\/em> She died homeless, poverty stricken and at the mercy of friends who Hey!\u00a0 Enough about dead girls, I’m talking about Laserblast<\/em>. That doesn’t quite fly because he holds his own against two guys when The laser from Laserblast<\/em> is a huge, unwieldy arm-mounted weapon Billy, poisoned by the alien gun, goes zombiefied when he gets The more he seeks revenge, the more detached he gets from his pathetic The disjointed battle between the government agents and zombie Billy is A friend of mine had an often repeated joke in college that started Now, I know what you’re thinking.\u00a0 “Nacho!\u00a0 You just ruined Watch out for:\u00a0 Old Bicentennial DC license plates (I have one in What’s the bottle of Bacardi say?\u00a0 Laserblast<\/em> gets full
\nWishlist.\u00a0 I feel the need to mention that constantly because,
\nhonestly, that’s what life is about.\u00a0 I was happier to see an
\nanonymous Amazon package in my mailbox than a contract for a monthly
\ncolumn at Harpers.<\/em><\/p>\n
\nsoftcore beauty Cheryl Smith, has reptile aliens, plenty of California
\ndesert action and it’s just so fucking stupid it makes the hair on my
\narms stand up.<\/p>\n
\ncocaine…I mean “heart failure”) who spends the whole movie finding ways
\nto go around shirtless.\u00a0 If the movie was set at Ice Station
\nZebra, he’d be in tight bell bottoms and no shirt.\u00a0 His smooth,
\nmilk-fed torso ripples like a glistening, pale grub found in the bottom
\nof the plastic tub of potatoes that you left under the kitchen sink for
\n15 years.<\/p>\n
\nSandy, played by the lovely Cheryl Smith.\u00a0 And, by lovely, I mean
\nall the rotten gums, cracked lips and veiny white skin you can
\nimagine.\u00a0 Her anorexia so bad by 78 that she’s covered in the
\ntell-tale fur of a career self abuser.\u00a0 Her life is so dark and
\nmysterious that she’s notably absent from the “biographies” extra on
\nthe DVD.<\/p>\n
\nherself as a Queen of the B films.\u00a0 After a brief career in an all
\ngirl pre-punk band, her slow decline in Hollywood featured such stars
\nas Cocaine, Insane Sex Clubs and Heroin.\u00a0 In her off time, she
\nmanaged to pick up hepatitis, which is her official cause of death just
\nrecently in 2002.<\/p>\n
\ndeserves nothing but the finest DVD treatment some day.\u00a0 At least
\nget us a soundtrack!\u00a0 If only I was made of money…\u00a0 With the
\nhelp of her cross-dressing, homosexual fairy godfather, she and the
\nsnapping pussy get into the prince’s ball where she is the first woman
\nto make the prince cum and, thereby, saves the kingdom.\u00a0 You saw
\nplenty of Cheryl in that one but, by 78, she was getting a little rough
\naround the edges.\u00a0 No nudity for her in Laserblast<\/em>, but the thing about 70’s women in B movies…they might as well be nude.<\/p>\n
\nand a number of long-since forgettable drive-in flicks.\u00a0 She was a
\nstar of the court on indoor screens, x rated screens and drive in
\ncinema.<\/p>\n
\ngathered around for her final years to rescue her from the streets.<\/p>\n
\nIn this cult cinema gem, featured on Mystery Science Theater for one of
\ntheir more lackluster episodes, we get an old story:\u00a0 A loner from
\na single family home, left to his own devices by his absentee mother,
\nstruggles with his coming of age…despite the fact that he has a
\nfunctional car and Cheryl Smith as a girlfriend.\u00a0 The tagline says
\n“Billy was a kid who got pushed around, then he found power…”<\/p>\n
\nthey try to rape Cheryl.\u00a0 So…he has power…but…anyway.<\/p>\n
\nleft behind by reptile aliens.\u00a0 We open up with them exterminating
\nsome poor kid who was turned into a corrupt zombie freak because he
\nused the gun too much.\u00a0 Billy is destined for that same path
\nbecause the reptile aliens leave the gun behind by accident.\u00a0 A
\ncameo by Roddy McDowell (whose name is spelled incorrectly in the
\nclosing credits) helps support an otherwise oddball film.\u00a0 I’ll
\ntell you right now, Laserblast<\/em> is one of those<\/em>
\nfilms.\u00a0 You know what I mean.\u00a0 A yawner when you’re on normal
\nspeed, but the original fucking B movie sci-fi freakout sexgang
\noperation watch it from the back seat of your car movie after six
\nMGDs.\u00a0 Or, in the case of this article, a bottle of Bacardi.
\nBut I have a carefully developed tolerance.<\/p>\n
\nangry.\u00a0 He heads out to reap revenge against those who have
\nwronged him – his peers, his doctor, the local cops, and advertisements
\nfor Star Wars<\/em>.<\/p>\n
\nlife.\u00a0 Meanwhile, the reptile aliens are on hot on his
\ntrail.\u00a0 Having left business unfinished, they were ordered to
\nreturn to Earth and retrieve the weapon (we can only infer that because
\nthe long scenes where the animatronic reptiles talk to each other in
\ngibberish aren’t subtitled).\u00a0 Eventually switching over to Mr.
\nHyde full time, poor Billy goes on a wild lasergun rampage through his
\ntiny California town, blasting everyone in sight with little rhyme or
\nreason.\u00a0 While a special investigator from DC seeks the power,
\nBilly becomes drunk on death.<\/p>\n
\nawe inspiring only because it makes about as much sense as my
\npill-popping aunt coming down on a Sunday morning.\u00a0 I am
\nespecially enamored with the lingering camera shot on the stuntman in
\nfull fireproof gear.\u00a0 That scene even silenced the MST3K boys.<\/p>\n
\nwith, “So there I was, 30,000 feet and….(fill in the blank).”
\nWhere’s that come from?\u00a0 Here’s a revelation for mutual
\nfriends:\u00a0 Laserblast<\/em>.\u00a0 You’ll get to hear the whole
\njoke during the inexplicable and bizarre “hippie interlude” that the
\naudience enjoys between the climax and…the…second climax.\u00a0 The
\nsecond climax brings Billy onto the streets of his small town where he
\ndestroys one car after another, blows away the above-mentioned hippie
\nat close range and performs a ritualistic, pagan dance around the
\nremains of a burning police car while synthesizer music soars.
\nThen, after the music has peaked, he blows up mailboxes and newsstands
\nand, finally, is “vapored to death” by the aliens sent to retrieve the
\nlaser.\u00a0 (As an exciting plot hole, they don’t actually retrieve
\nthe gun.\u00a0 Just like with the other kid in the opening scene.)<\/p>\n
\nthe movie!”\u00a0 Trust me, I didn’t.\u00a0 With something like Laserblast<\/em>, it’s all about watching<\/em>
\nthe movie, because there is no way to describe it.\u00a0 You’ll see it
\nand you’ll feel like an alien presence has entered your life, even
\nthough you knew the outcome well in advance.\u00a0 I’ve probably seen
\nit several dozen times and, every time, I walk away with the sense that
\nsomething is just not quite right in the universe.<\/p>\n
\nmy basement!), cop slaughter, two half tits (from the side), mood
\nrings, Star Wars<\/em>, the laser gun sound stolen by V<\/em>, really weird close up shots of people kissing, zombie murderdeathkill, and the famous “vapored to death” scene.<\/p>\n
\nmarks in my book.\u00a0 It hits everything a shitty cult film should
\nhit:\u00a0 Girls, guns, monsters and the unnecessary murder of stupid
\nyet passively evil people.\u00a0 For something crawling horridly out of
\nthe 1970’s, it remains worthy of your 85 minutes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[50,352],"tags":[403,353,104],"class_list":["post-2557","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cult-culture","category-gsarchive","tag-cult-culture","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-sci-fi"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2557","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2557"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2557\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2798,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2557\/revisions\/2798"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2557"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2557"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2557"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}