<\/p>\n
You can always tell when James is in a bad mood, because he does crazy
\nthings when driving. Earlier this evening, he veered his blue Nova
\ntowards a couple of Canada Geese. Every spring, you get those damn
\nbirds wandering around parking lots and shopping malls acting like they
\nown the place. You can drive right up to them and they’ll just give you
\nthat “fuck you” stare that animals like to do.<\/p>\n
We ended up at this bar with a name that you can’t pronounce.
\nIt’s actually an internet caf\u00e9, but they serve booze and we hadn’t yet
\nbeen in there. The place was full of those low-grade wanna be hippies
\nthat vote for Nader because they’re too witless to approach politics
\nresponsibly. I don’t know how the place stayed in business because all
\nof those Nader kids avoid alcohol, either because of imagined
\nalcoholism or because they get weepy after one beer which makes guys
\nlike James and I start pummeling them with bottles.<\/p>\n
The bartender refused to give James two Rolling Rocks at once. He said
\nyou had to finish one beer before you ordered another. The first
\nattempt to outfox this strange rule failed when James asked for a
\nRolling Rock and a Bass, but our side won through when James ordered a
\nRolling Rock, a vodka tonic, and a JD with coke. The bartender was
\nmomentarily confused, then he set about to mixing the drinks. James
\nfinished his Rolling Rock before the JD was ready, ordered another and
\nstuffed the harder stuff into my hands. We selected a seat far away
\nfrom everyone else and glared at each other for a moment. Then James
\ntold me that he’d like to cut through this place like Jean Claude van
\nDamme.<\/p>\n
“And what happened to old J.C., anyway?” he asked.<\/p>\n
“Ah!” I said, knocking back the JD and coke, “He’s alive and well and direct to video.”<\/p>\n
Even though Jean Claude helped usher John Woo into America with Hard Target<\/em> When judging Van Damme’s multitude of direct to video releases, there The high quality movies include the superior Knock-Off<\/em> Desert Heat<\/em> is one of those go to see his ass flicks. You also The Order<\/em> pits J.C. against weird Illuminati type folks in There are a few others, but those are the leading examples of post “He must have a strong fan base…” James muttered, leaning back in the “It warms my heart, James. You just don’t expect people to give a damn anymore about the low grade stuff.”<\/p>\n Then James smiled and told me that the Jean Claude Van Damme twin movie was Double Impact<\/em> and that Double Team<\/em> We had to spend the rest of the night talking about Van Damme ass shots.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353,179],"class_list":["post-2550","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-james"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2550","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2550"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2550\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2901,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2550\/revisions\/2901"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2550"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2550"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2550"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n(back before Woo got lazy and betrayed us all), his mainstream release
\ncareer fizzled shortly after Jean-Claude Van Damme aaannnddd…Jean
\nClaude Van Damme in Double Team<\/em>. He had a minor comeback in the remarkably painful sequel to Universal Soldier<\/em>,
\nbut that was an exception to what had become the rule as we entered the
\nnew century…where Van Damme has no place on the big screen alongside
\nsuperstars like Vin Diesel. But, since 1998, he’s put out some
\nfantastic direct to video releases. Superior, in fact, to most of his
\nmainstream flicks.<\/p>\n
\nare three distinct tiers. The surprisingly great flicks worth your
\ntime, the films designed to give Van Damme fans like me a chance to see
\nhis ass and the utter shit. Sorry, I meant that my ex girlfriend Eileen
\nlikes to look at his ass. I would never look at his ass.<\/p>\n
\nwhere Van Damme plays a criminal with a heart of gold, dealing in
\nknock-off swap meet clothing illegally exported out of Hong Kong or
\nsomewhere. The film, itself, is a knock-off of early Jackie Chan kung
\nfu comedies, but it works through and through. Even with Rob Schneider.
\nLegionnaire<\/em> is a stunning moment of film – a gritty, impressive
\ntale of the French Foreign Legion getting themselves into rough times.
\nIt’s an unexpectedly well constructed period drama, and recommended
\neven for non J.C. fans.<\/p>\n
\nget a couple of hookers, one of whom gives us a fairly graphic scene.
\nThe blue eyed lead chick is way hot, too. Desert Heat<\/em> is an update of Last Man Standing<\/em> which was an update of the Kurosawa classic Yojimba<\/em>. Marnie Alton is beautiful, though never naked, in the PG-13 Replicant<\/em>
\nwhich is homosexual sci-fi from hell. Anytime we get lingering shots on
\nJ.C. cumming in his pants, you’ve got to wonder. That one edges down to
\ncrap, but Marnie and the otherwise entertaining sci-fi stuff saves it
\nin the end.<\/p>\n
\nIsrael. A strangely pleasing waste of time, with Charlton Heston,
\nswordplay and plenty of fight scenes. Derailed<\/em>, however, is like spewing someone else’s vomit.<\/p>\n
\naction star J.C. He cranks a couple out each year, so we’ll be seeing
\nmore of him, I’m sure.<\/p>\n
\nbooth and watching a granola girl who looked like Connie Nielson in One Hour Photo<\/em>.<\/p>\n
\nwas the flick with Dennis Rodman. With a sinking fear, I realized that
\none of the “strong J.C. fans” was sitting right across from me. I’d
\nbeen tricked!<\/p>\n