<\/p>\n
My dad died back in January and, let me tell you, that made me one happy camper.\u00a0 Mom killed herself years ago, but dad decided to linger on horrifically and be a general thorn in my side.\u00a0 With that lingering, it really hit me how my parents \u2013 these two dark angels \u2013 had really made a fucking mess of their pathetic lives.<\/p>\n
I think dad irked me the most.\u00a0 He skipped town when I was 12 \u2013 cleaning out the family company\u2019s bank account along the way.\u00a0 And by cleaning out, I mean millions.\u00a0 Including the salary and pension benefits set aside for the company\u2019s employees.\u00a0 Oh, and my little stupid kiddie bank account that just had, like, a hundred bucks in it.\u00a0 He took that, too.\u00a0 Forged my name.\u00a0 And cleaned out mom\u2019s personal accounts.<\/p>\n
He reappeared 13 years later when mom killed herself \u2013 just to sue me for what little money and property she had.<\/p>\n
At that point, he had developed emphysema.\u00a0 Something that would eat him up for years\u2026and that he would spend all the remaining money on.\u00a0 I had a buddy at Social Security check things out \u2013 dad hadn\u2019t paid taxes since he left in 1986. Nor had he held down a job.\u00a0 He lived over 20 years on the money he took\u2026and he lived well.\u00a0 And he nursed himself through seven years of emphysema.\u00a0 Now\u2026 His estate falls to me.\u00a0 Last surviving heir and all that.\u00a0 And what is he worth?\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 In fact, he\u2019s in debt. Seven years of supporting a disease drained all the rest of the money away. The best case is that I walk away with about $5000 after selling everything and paying off the debts that just can\u2019t be forgiven.<\/p>\n
Well, of course, there\u2019s only one option \u2013 to wash my hands of everything.\u00a0 I\u2019m able to do so, and have spent six months promising myself that I would.\u00a0 Just shrug it off and say fuck it.\u00a0 But I, too, linger on, in some hope that somehow I\u2019ll get money.\u00a0 That\u2019s all it comes down to, in the end.\u00a0 The dream of a silver lining.\u00a0 Maybe all this shit will be okay because, magically, ten grand will appear on my door step.\u00a0 Or more. \u00a0So I\u2019ve spent all these months playing games\u2026never really taking over his affairs, but sort of running them from the shadows while the lawyer figures out what the fuck.\u00a0 But dad\u2019s debts reach a critical point on July 3rd<\/sup>.\u00a0 If various folks don\u2019t get upwards of ten thousand by then, fingers start to break.\u00a0 So the decision is made for me.\u00a0 Cut and run.<\/p>\n As things come to a head, I\u2019ve been going over my childhood.\u00a0 These days are a time of renewal for me \u2013 I\u2019ve been cured of a debilitating physical injury that\u2019s shaped my life for over a decade, dad\u2019s out of the picture, and I was psychotic enough to start a publishing company and am now releasing a second title. With this sea-change going on in my life, dealing with a rough childhood is easy.\u00a0 Especially since I realize, with the clear light of age and experience, that my parents really should have been burnt at the stake.\u00a0 I should have gone Pet Sematary on them when I was a kid.\u00a0 \u201cAnd then mommy came and I played with her\u2026and now I want to play with yyooouuu!\u201d<\/p>\n Every time I see a horror movie with a creepy kid it makes me want to celebrate being childless.\u00a0 Do I want to settle down some day and raise children?\u00a0 Fuck, no.\u00a0 Ever see Children of the Corn?\u00a0 Goddamned treacherous little shits running around.\u00a0 I saw that movie when I was 10 or so and the whole devil in the corn shit really creeped me out.\u00a0 I\u2019m still suspicious of corn fields.<\/p>\n Though the big problem with Children of the Corn is that it was in the Midwest.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing to do, is there?\u00a0 What\u2019s happening today, Malachi?\u00a0 Huff diesel again?\u00a0 I\u2019m bored of that\u2026.let\u2019s revisit the whole homicidal pact with the corn devil thing.<\/p>\n Things I regret from my childhood \u2013 lacking the masculine influence.\u00a0 I\u2019ve often thought it would have helped to have a father figure around.\u00a0 Especially since mom was a hippie lesbian addled on booze and drugs all the time:\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cMen are evil!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou are evil!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ll end up just like your father and betray everyone!\u201d<\/p>\n Jesus\u2026fucking corn devil.<\/p>\n This father\u2019s day, then, I get to celebrate the death of my father.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even know where he\u2019s buried.\u00a0 I paid for it \u2013 three grand.\u00a0 Told the funeral home jack-offs to go and take care of it.\u00a0 Tra-la-la.<\/p>\n The larger problem, beyond the mess he left when he died, was that he died in Georgia.\u00a0 Having now delved into the bureaucracy of Georgia in order to claim and bury dad, and try to figure out if the estate was worth taking, I can tell you without hesitation that the entire state is about 70 years behind the rest of the US.<\/p>\n I get friends who tell me to calm down because, hey, I come from DC and all those folks down there in Georgia are just senseless hill people and, thus, ignorant of their transgressions.\u00a0 They should be treated gently and with an open heart, like a retarded child with a gun.\u00a0 But, you know, anyone who has been to a city knows that DC is just a small town.\u00a0 When the Democrats are in office, this city is sluggish and weird and mismanaged.\u00a0 Though we may not serve sweet iced tea, there\u2019s not a one of us who doesn\u2019t dump a doting grandmother\u2019s portion of sugar packets into the glass when it arrives.\u00a0 We\u2019re senseless hill people up here, as well.\u00a0 Sheep in fancy clothing.\u00a0 So it\u2019s not my urban experience dictating impatience \u2013 Georgia really is behind the rest of the human race.<\/p>\n People think DC is a big city these days because we\u2019ve had a Republican in office, so all of the interns and other fuckups are rushing around looking busy and being mean.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because they\u2019re hill people and convinced that this is the big, big city, so they try to pretend like it\u2019s Manhattan.\u00a0 Except without a lick of culture or elegance.\u00a0 You can sit in a park at any given time during the day and watch the female interns walk like they\u2019ve only just discovered heels the day before.<\/p>\n I was born in DC, so as I watch this town grow, I can\u2019t shake the feeling that I\u2019m a sort of true blood Roman and we\u2019re inviting in all of the barbarians in the hopes of appeasing them.\u00a0 It\u2019s called gentrification.\u00a0 Roughly akin to removing organs and replacing them with cancerous growths.<\/p>\n Which is the opposite of what I\u2019m feeling today.\u00a0 The cancer is dead!\u00a0 It\u2019s father\u2019s day, right?\u00a0 Saturday?\u00a0 I haven\u2019t ever had to keep track of it.\u00a0 It\u2019s just one of those things where I hear that it\u2019s coming and I think, gee, where is that fucker?<\/p>\n I met him twice after he sued me for what mom had left.\u00a0 The first time was just for a couple of hours, and the second time was about a year or so ago.\u00a0 I spent a bit longer with him, then.\u00a0 Marveling at how this man was still allowed to live free.\u00a0 I asked him why.\u00a0 What was the reason for it all?\u00a0 I get leaving.\u00a0 That\u2019s fine.\u00a0 Mom was a nutbar. \u00a0I left mom when I was 18 and never looked back until she offed herself.\u00a0 I even get taking the money.\u00a0 Hey \u2013 good for you.\u00a0 Cunning criminal canniness.\u00a0 If I had some sort of avenue ahead of me where I could take millions and live off of it for 20 years in anonymity, I\u2019d take it.<\/p>\n But why not help out?\u00a0 Just a little bit?\u00a0 He had his lawyer call my grandfather \u2013 my mom\u2019s father \u2013 every year, asking how I was doing.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know about this until recently.\u00a0 The lawyer would ask \u2013 hey, how\u2019s he doing?\u00a0 My grandfather would always say I was doing okay, and then the lawyer would hang up.\u00a0 Dad told me it was his way of tracking my progress.\u00a0 He was sorry for what he had to do.\u00a0 He figured that the money wasn\u2019t important.\u00a0 He said that.\u00a0 I still have trouble with that concept.\u00a0 Oh, good\u2026so why\u2019d you take it all, then?\u00a0 Maybe you could have helped out with college, eh?\u00a0 Back there in the early 90\u2019s when you still had the money.\u00a0 Before the disease gnawed away at every penny.\u00a0 Or it went to some screwball church.\u00a0 That\u2019s what my lawyer thinks.\u00a0 Most of the money went to the crutch that allowed dad to forgive himself.<\/p>\n He had no answer for that.\u00a0 No answer for why he didn\u2019t send me a hundred bucks and a birthday card, even.\u00a0 Or just a hello.\u00a0 Just an acknowledgment, a sign of life.\u00a0 So I moved back to the larger question \u00a0— why?\u00a0 Why\u2019d you leave?\u00a0 Why\u2019d you do it the way you did it?<\/p>\n His answer:\u00a0 \u201cI thought it would be best for you.\u201d<\/p>\n Not even the corn devil can be that inhumane and clueless.\u00a0 If you asked the corn devil why he wanted all those kids to capture and kill those unwary travelers, he\u2019d answer honestly.\u00a0 He\u2019d say: I thought it would be best for me.<\/p>\n 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