<\/p>\n
Friday night and I\u2019m on the train home.\u00a0 Red Line.\u00a0 Silver Spring. Three cars down and leaning against the right side door and staring hard at this little mouse of a girl.\u00a0 Thin and small, with that boyish ass and the almost permanent business casual and secret girlish curves pinned behind a rapidly failing puritanical knot that could make Mr. Wee Wee dance around in his cage and upset his water, if you know what I mean.<\/p>\n
I had advanced to the stage where I was thinking about cutting her up and putting her in my freezer when her phone rang.\u00a0 The sort of jarring ringtone that invaded me so deeply it stirred up a past life memory and made me want to fall on a sword.\u00a0 \u201cI have failed you, Caesar!\u201d\u00a0 Schlunk!<\/p>\n
\u201cHello\u2026?\u201d She said.<\/p>\n
Oh yeah, yeah.\u00a0 Hello you little bitch.\u00a0 You cheap little whore.\u00a0 You cum-crazy anal slut.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cOh!\u00a0 Hello!\u201d<\/p>\n Yeah, yeah, you fucking said that you cheap little bouncing cock monkey!\u00a0 How\u2019s that sweet daddy\u2019s little girl ultra Christian no concept of hardship pussy of yours?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cOh, I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n That\u2019s good.\u00a0 It\u2019s good that you\u2019re fine.\u00a0 It\u2019s fine that you\u2019re fine.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHow are you?\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m fine.\u00a0 I\u2019m paying fines.\u00a0 Fines for love!\u00a0 Yeah, you heard me, now turn around and get on all fours and you\u2019ll pay your fines!<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAre we still on for tea tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n Now that threw me for a loop.\u00a0 Tea?\u00a0 It\u2019s 7pm on a Friday and she\u2019s meeting someone for tea<\/em>?\u00a0 Who does that?\u00a0 Two thousand-year old Chinese arch-villains maybe. Ho-ho-ho, and now I will destroy you.\u00a0 Let us settle down for the\u2026last\u2026tea\u2026you\u2026 shall\u2026ever\u2026have!<\/p>\n Nice try Lao Che!\u00a0 But I turned off the hot water.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s this pretty girl meeting someone for arch-villain tea on a perfectly fine Friday night.\u00a0 It seems wasteful to me.\u00a0 If she\u2019s meeting a guy on a date, there\u2019s a big red flag right there. What girl would agree to that?\u00a0 Hey, wanna go for tea?\u00a0 Maybe afterwards you can help me pick out a doily for my sofa arm. But you can\u2019t come home or else mother will become enraged again!<\/p>\n Maybe she\u2019s meeting a girlfriend or something.\u00a0 They\u2019ll talk girl stuff and it\u2019ll be a polite sort of something\u2026I don\u2019t know what the fuck girls do when they get together.\u00a0 My friend\u2019s wife gets together with her girlfriends and they make t-shirts.\u00a0 It\u2019s so refreshingly retarded I find myself comforted by the knowledge that women, really, are quite adorable.\u00a0 It\u2019s sort of the mindlessly girlish equivalent of what her husband and I do while she\u2019s doing that: Sit around and drink entire bottles of vodka and disagree violently with each other on topics that I can\u2019t ever remember.\u00a0 Just like drinking games, everything I argue about can only be recalled or performed while under the crippling influence of Far Too Much Alcohol.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t want you to think that I look down on tea.\u00a0 As an anglophile, I\u2019ve come to respect tea.\u00a0 It\u2019s a treat for me to make a cup of tea and eat imported English biscuits like the shamefully sad and lonely creature that I am. But I do it at a normal, civilized time because, even for sad and lonely creatures, 7pm on a Friday is time to introduce poison to the body.\u00a0 Here in my dark and horrible 30\u2019s, the nature of the poison doesn\u2019t matter anymore.\u00a0 Throughout my 20\u2019s, it used to be fun.\u00a0 Let\u2019s get drunk!\u00a0 Let\u2019s get high!\u00a0 But then I turned 30 and, as the years have rolled on, any form of escape will do.\u00a0 Let\u2019s take too much xanax and go to bed!\u00a0 Let\u2019s drink until it all goes away<\/em>\u2026<\/p>\n Though I think I drink just so I\u2019m able to drink straight booze, which has always been my goal.\u00a0 To order a glass of vodka. Straight.\u00a0 So, yes, I drink so I can drink simply so I can impress people by getting drunk after I\u2019m drunk.<\/p>\n This girl, though! I wanted to save her from tea.\u00a0 I wanted to pull her back from the brink.\u00a0 You, young lady, could very well be locked into an abusive and unrewarding relationship with me.\u00a0 In our relationship, Friday at seven would be martini time.\u00a0 We can do things with my shaker, if you know what I mean.\u00a0 Saturday mornings will be a horrific, unrewardingly slow awakening during which we\u2019ll eat loads of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls, drink more coffee than Columbia can produce in a day and watch bad sci-fi.\u00a0 The morning will bleed into the afternoons during which I\u2019ll either write like an emo freak or just go back to bed or, in a grand funk without a railroad, go walk around the alleys of Silver Spring and DC.\u00a0 Saturday night: Enough with the martinis, it\u2019ll just be a mixed bag of whatever booze is in the freezer and downloaded movies from the week before. No order.\u00a0 No focus.<\/p>\n Sunday morning coming down bleeds slowly into the following week where I work 739 hours a day and pray for my skin to fall off just so nice men in an ambulance can take me far away from the grim reality that surrounds me. And you, because, by that time, I\u2019m really tired of your goddamned ringtone.\u00a0 What the fuck is that ringtone? What fucking human being chooses that ringtone?\u00a0 What fucking god do you serve?<\/p>\n She got off at Silver Spring with me and I watched her ponytail bob away into the sea of commuters.\u00a0 I decided, unlike most nights, to stand on the escalator and just let things pass me by.\u00a0 My Friday night plans have become quite sad and pathetic in recent years:\u00a0 Go home, drink alone and watch TV.\u00a0 Except I haven\u2019t even made that easy.\u00a0 I don\u2019t own a TV so I have to download the shows I watch.\u00a0 I have nothing to mix my drinks with because all the liquids in the apartment are stolen booze, mostly wine, and water (which I\u2019m told is free, but that\u2019s a lie).<\/p>\n I was never much of a wine man, though I\u2019m determined to teach myself the finer art of wine snobbery.\u00a0 I used to be a beer snob but, one day, I bought 24 cans of MGD and plowed through them one frozen Saturday and it hit me \u2013 there really aren\u2019t any limits. Snobbery undone.<\/p>\n But if I were able to free this girl from whoever was serving her tea at 7pm on a Friday, I\u2019d learn wine for her.\u00a0 She was that cute.\u00a0 She was worth me being a wine-nut.\u00a0 Actually, that\u2019s a stupid thing to say.\u00a0 And a lie.\u00a0 You get to a point, when writing something for the internet, where you begin to stretch and say things like I loved her so much I wanted to learn wine for her when, really, you want to write: I wanted to fist her right then and there while wearing full SS regalia. Teatime!\u00a0 Oomph!<\/p>\n Don\u2019t hold your breath.\u00a0 That makes it worse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353,73,160],"class_list":["post-2542","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-silver-spring","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2542","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2542"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2542\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2617,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2542\/revisions\/2617"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2542"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2542"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2542"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}