<\/p>\n
In the midst of a hard drunk, my 12 year old cousin burst in and screamed at me to turn my music down.\u00a0 I found this to be a soul-shattering role reversal.\u00a0 It’s not like I was standing there in a smoking jacket, pipe in hand, spinning disco records or something.\u00a0 I was listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.\u00a0 They’re up to date, aren\u2019t they?\u00a0 And I didn’t have it turned up to that level where I couldn\u2019t concentrate on anything.\u00a0 I was one little bar under that.\u00a0 I was still able to acknowledge that a 12 year old girl had slammed into my personal space and then react accordingly:\u00a0 Leap behind the couch with a gun and fire blindly while she stopped bullets in mid-air, leapt, froze, then delivered a blow that bent the room inward and popped it out again, sending me sprawling against the wall.<\/p>\n
Okay, okay.\u00a0 What really happened is that she had a tantrum for about three minutes while I turned the volume way down and stared in horror before I bellowed at her in my best 32 year old voice and sent her scurrying away.\u00a0 Then I turned the music back up.\u00a0 War!<\/p>\n
So, anyway, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.\u00a0 I\u2019m the first to admit that I\u2019m not a music man.\u00a0 My music life can be summed up in one defining moment, back in 99.\u00a0 I forgot the chick\u2019s name, but we dated for a couple months and she was a sex-starved fallen Catholic-cum-wiccan-cum-buddhist-cum hard.\u00a0 In our final breakup stage, we were cuddled together in a drunken sort of mess on her foul smelling couch watching some fucking Elton John shit and she stopped my trailing hands, told me to listen to the lyrics, and said that there was a message being sent specifically to me.\u00a0 I was well past my ability to make out the lyrics, or even the precise location of the TV set, so I just asked her to take off her pants.<\/p>\n
Now, most of my friends are big audiophiles, so I manage okay.\u00a0 I look cool because, at any given time, I have someone at my elbow who\u2019s all buzz buzz buzz about the cool shit while I smile knowingly and feign keen understanding while drinking other people\u2019s booze.\u00a0 That\u2019s a talent that\u2019s paid off in the publishing business because, let\u2019s face it, nine out of ten writers suck and that final minority is damned.\u00a0 You know the damned \u2013 they\u2019re the ones who can write.\u00a0 The voices of brilliance and power.\u00a0 Man, if that\u2019s you, hang yourself now.\u00a0 These first few furtive steps through the looking glass have horrified me.\u00a0 Six months ago, I was starting to age out of hard drunks and late nights of self misery.\u00a0 Now a book\u2019s about to hit the shelves and I\u2019ve worked with lawyers, agents, distributors, reviewers, and designers.\u00a0 I find myself drinking at eight in the morning and inexplicably bursting into tears throughout the day.\u00a0 A high class, major distributor, right?\u00a0 The only thing they cared about was the cover design.\u00a0 I showed that to them and they went nuts and took the book.\u00a0 Then I said:\u00a0 Maybe your sales team would like to read the \u2013<\/p>\n
No need!\u00a0 No need!\u00a0 The cover!\u00a0 *flash flash* Da covah!<\/p>\n
I won’t even mention how difficult it is promoting a Canadian author.\u00a0 I’ve started lying.\u00a0 People ask where the author’s from and, defensively, I blurt out “Up north!”\u00a0 Then people reply:\u00a0 “Oh, cool.\u00a0 Like New England?\u00a0 Like Stephen King?!?!”\u00a0 If I say Canada, you can hear a pin drop.\u00a0 People recoil in horror.\u00a0 Not…Canada!\u00a0 I spit on them! Pah!<\/p>\n
But…what about da covah?<\/p>\n
So, music, it’s a strange love.\u00a0 I tend to set up a three day playlist and lie here on the floor all weekend staring at “To Do” lists and ignoring phone calls from my family.\u00a0 When friends advise something, I grab it and listen the fuck out of it.\u00a0 I’m surrounded by music on various mediums.\u00a0 But I lack the sort of connection between primal enjoyment and knowledge.\u00a0 (Which is, strangely, the same problem I have with women.)<\/p>\n
Some elements, however, do make sense to me.\u00a0 The Yeah Yeah Yeahs reflect my ongoing weakness for “grrl-rock.”\u00a0 I strongly support the lesbian crowd \u2013 girl power, etc.\u00a0 Lesbians love me to pieces and invite me to all of their little parties.\u00a0 I\u2019m seen as an ally.\u00a0 The harmless goofy guy.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell you the doors I\u2019ve been behind or the things I’ve seen.<\/p>\n
I’m sure they\u2019re all aware that the single clear thought I have in my life is:\u00a0 Orgy.\u00a0 Some clam-slamming action, at the very least.\u00a0 At the best, reverse gangbang freakout.\u00a0 Fraternity school rape horror \u2013 right there!\u00a0 Right there!\u00a0 Smile for the camera!\u00a0 Look at me while you do it!\u00a0 LOOK UP!\u00a0 SHOW ME YOUR EYES!<\/p>\n
The interest in the music is honest.\u00a0 The interest in sex is honest, too.\u00a0 Like I say, it’s not lost on them.\u00a0 Perhaps that’s the trait lesbians enjoy?\u00a0 The man who doesn’t act on the primal urges?\u00a0 It\u2019s a crying shame I repulse straight women, though.\u00a0 Is that a cruel twist of fate or are lesbians simply agents for a larger cosmic conspiracy aligned against me?\u00a0 Do you like these tits?\u00a0 You\u2019ll never have them.<\/p>\n
Yay!\u00a0 Can you spare a xanax?<\/p>\n
I’m sure that every single person on this planet, including my cousin, can read me like a book.\u00a0 Which I find defeating.\u00a0 Fortunately, I find many things defeating, so there’s no need to feel sorry for me on this point.<\/p>\n
Approaching relationships is my big problem.\u00a0 I’m the sort who doesn\u2019t make a good first impression.\u00a0 If I’m sober, I’m twitchy and weird.\u00a0 If I’m drunk, I’m… Well, about as coherent and politic as I am right now.\u00a0 I went up to Toronto on an important business trip and ended up trying to lick the face of someone’s panicked wife while pounding high voltage Canadian swill beer.\u00a0 Some people find that endearing, others believe that I have “a problem.”<\/p>\n
Seriously, though, if you had seen this girl.\u00a0 And they just kept giving me beer!\u00a0 At one point, I was under the table scooping up splinters of broken glass with my bare hands.\u00a0 I don’t know what that has to do with anything but it certainly earns me a fucking place in life where 12 year olds should not burst in and tell me to turn the music down.\u00a0 Why don’t you turn your…fucking whatever down whatever the fuck you do you fucking…12 year old.<\/p>\n
Call the Childcatcher!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353,160],"class_list":["post-2528","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2528","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2528"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2528\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2652,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2528\/revisions\/2652"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2528"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2528"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2528"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}