<\/p>\n
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s meeting an American
\nabroad who pretends to be from Canada.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
First of all, the only reason this is so prevalent is
\nbecause it’s a cross-cultural joke that some Americans have taken literally, absorbing
\nit through TV, movies, some travel blog or who knows what.\u00a0 The sad fact is that Americans, for the most
\npart, don’t travel.\u00a0 So when some silver
\nspoon fuckhead posts on his blog about how he lost his 0 pen in Peru because
\na small tribe of sand miners pegged him as an American and robbed one of his
\nporters, thousands of online thigh-cutters take it to heart and spread the word
\naround to their thigh-cutter friends on and off line.\u00a0 The only people who advise me to pose as a
\nCanadian are the ones who haven’t ever ventured more than 300 miles from their
\nchildhood homes.\u00a0 Well, except for that
\nhoneymoon in Vegas, but that was a package deal for the weekend and they never
\nleft the casino.<\/p>\n
The average intelligent person understands and believes
\nthat, at worst, Americans are apathetic, overfed yet affable individuals and
\nthe “evil” elements associated with America are the doings of an
\noligarchy.\u00a0 Part of the problem with the
\nskittish American traveler is that we, the Americans, don’t realize that
\nfact.\u00a0 We have gas in our SUV’s, food in
\nour bellies and 0,000 townhouses which contain electronics, toys and
\nuncomfortable 00 couch sets from which we watch our a month digital
\ncable, all of the above thanks to seven platinum mastercards, most of which are
\ncarrying ,000, but that’s okay, let’s have a baby now.<\/p>\n
We love our corporations and, from the cherry-filled center
\nof luxury, we have no reason to think that anything’s wrong.\u00a0 When traveling, we must realize that there is
\na problem and, more importantly, five and a half billion people think so.<\/p>\n
Here’s what they don’t quite grasp, though: The oligarchy is
\nnot, necessarily, elected.\u00a0 It’s the
\ncorporate monstrosities, created by the very elements of freedom of which many
\nof the critics may well be envious.\u00a0 This
\nis not a point that should be argued because we are Human beings and insisting
\nthat your wife is more attractive is a great way to start a decade-long global
\nconflict.\u00a0 As the corporations spread
\ntheir three-fingered, alien hands across the globe, though, it is becoming
\nclear to many that the “evils” of the American oligarchy are not under the
\ncontrol of the American people.\u00a0 The only
\nfault of the individual American is the fact that, under the mantle of absolute
\nluxury, there’s no desire to take action.
\nFor many, the hatred of the American traveler is shifting to pity.\u00a0 The worse our corporations become (indeed,
\nwe’ve even begun to notice in recent years), the easier life gets for the
\nAmerican abroad.<\/p>\n
Remember – foreigners are just like you.\u00a0 They know that some people are ignorant
\nfuckheads, but not all people.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You
\nwill not be attacked, targeted, shot or raped just because you’re an
\nAmerican.\u00a0 Those things can happen to any
\ntraveler.<\/p>\n
That said, don’t wear shit with the US flag on it.\u00a0 Stop with the flag waving, please.\u00a0 Nobody else in the world, with the exception
\nof the Nazis, worship their flag as much as we do.\u00a0 Having the flag all over your clothes immediately
\nmakes you a fruitcake.\u00a0 Our laughable
\naddiction to flag waving is mocked the world over.\u00a0 Oh, and, only an American would wave a
\nCanadian flag in an attempt to avoid imaginary dangers.<\/p>\n
Here’s something else to wrap your head around – Canadians
\nhave a distinct accent.\u00a0 Everybody who
\nspeaks the English language knows this.
\nYou do not sound like a Canadian.
\nA Canadian can pick an American accent out of a crowd; the lazy,
\nslurred, broken speech full of half sentences, pseudo-slang and idioms is
\nblindingly American.\u00a0 We have a certain
\nway that we communicate which is, increasingly, difficult for other English
\nspeakers to grasp.\u00a0 Thank god for
\nAmerican TV being broadcast to the rest of the world, otherwise we’d be truly
\nin the realm of moon-speak.<\/p>\n
You are an American as soon as you open your mouth.\u00a0 Nor can you sound Canadian since, obviously,
\njudging from the huge flag on your back, you’re not aware of the difference.<\/p>\n
So, most importantly:
\nThey Know.<\/p>\n
Let’s assume the low class thief in Slovenia
\ndoesn’t know, though.\u00a0 He sees the flag
\nand thinks, hmm, Canadian.\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0\u00a0 Here’s another thing for you to remember:\u00a0 Canadians, also, are well off and
\nmaterialistic.\u00a0 They, also, are viable
\ntargets for thieves.<\/p>\n
In the social setting, the Canadian always takes the fall for
\nAmerica
\nand is put on the spot.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because people think they’re Americans
\nputting on an elaborate act.<\/p>\n
So:\u00a0 Canadian =
\nAmerican.<\/p>\n
When is it okay to play this game?\u00a0 When you’re in a Third
\nWorld shithole.\u00a0 When you’re
\nin some rundown, sad place, you don’t want to be as open and carefree about
\nyour nationality.\u00a0 Of course, in those
\nplaces, you don’t want to be open and carefree about anything.\u00a0 That’s the nature of that sort of
\ntravel.\u00a0 But I’ve found, when asked, to
\nlet them figure it out.\u00a0 For example:<\/p>\n
Unwashed Native at Market in Filthy Horrible Country:\u00a0 Are you English?<\/p>\n
You:\u00a0 Sure!<\/p>\n
Sometimes it’s a test but, generally speaking, \u00a0\u00a0the poor and unwashed have difficulty with
\nnon-traditional American accents.\u00a0 They
\nknow the southern-fried retards they see on TV, but that clipped northern
\naccent, or the amorphous Mid-Atlantic accent, can confuse the non-English
\nspeaking, un-traveled foreigner.\u00a0 I’ve
\nnoted that the Mid-Atlantic “accent” is somewhat chameleonic, taking on the
\ntone and pitch of the surrounding accents.
\nA few weeks overseas and, subconsciously, your voice has shifted to
\nsomething a little off.\u00a0 They’ll still
\nrat you out in English-friendly Europe, but
\nyou might throw them in other places.\u00a0 It
\nbecomes not quite anything and, if you’re quiet, it’s hard to get you.<\/p>\n
I Didn’t Vote For Him!<\/em><\/p>\n Once the American traveler has been discovered, there may be The first reaction of the American traveler (given that 90% This is, in the end, an acceptable excuse.\u00a0 However, it should not be shrilly cried out Prepare yourself.\u00a0 The Do not get fevered and animated.\u00a0 Do not speak against Bush, unless pressed For the most part, the common person understands that you, Once, I was in a bit of a rough situation at a London pub, which This led to something similar to “Well, I didn’t vote for But how rare that is. So, Where <\/em>Are You From?<\/em><\/p>\n You’re from “The States.” You:\u00a0 I’m from Iowa!<\/p>\n Foreign scum:\u00a0 *blank That’s like me telling you what county in Maryland I’m from in response to being asked My friend is from New I Am And I am.\u00a0 But, here’s Everyone mocks Americans for our desperate need to find You are American. This, to go on a bit of a tangent, is a major social issue In terms of labels, even if used with a pure heart and naive Black people from this country are, wait for it, ———–<\/p>\n
\nsome rough spots.\u00a0 The most common
\nquestion since 2001 is a variation of the following: “So. Bush?”<\/p>\n
\nof the small number of Americans who leave the country are educated and urban)
\nis: “I didn’t vote for him!”<\/p>\n
\nlike you’re a guilty child.\u00a0 Whether or
\nnot you voted for him, the state of American politics is so fucked up it’s not
\neven funny anymore, and everyone you meet knows this.\u00a0 They’re thinking: No, Really, What The Fuck
\nIs Going On?<\/p>\n
\nplan should be as follows:\u00a0 Lightly
\ndiscuss politics in America,
\nlike textbook explanation stuff.\u00a0 How it
\nworks, what happens, and how and why American society is so divided.\u00a0 Be ready to explain things like the Electoral
\nCollege and why people in the countryside are inbred motherfuckers but,
\nhistorically, ha-ha-ha, right?<\/p>\n
\ninto it actively.\u00a0 Do not go into detail,
\ndo not dominate the conversation.\u00a0 After
\nyour brief defensive stance, extricate yourself with a polite and less
\nchildlike version of “I didn’t vote for him.”
\nThis can be done simply by saying it’s “too exhausting to talk about”
\nor, my favorite, “I’m here to escape it for a little bit and enjoy a more
\nenlightened culture.”<\/p>\n
\ntoo, are a common person and the fucks in charge are scary sister-rapers.\u00a0 In fact, if you find yourself under serious attack
\nin a social situation, bone up on the fucking evil shit that their leaders are
\ndoing.\u00a0 Take a second to scan the
\npapers.<\/p>\n
\nescalated, despite my attempts to remove myself based on the above plan,
\ntowards something more violent.\u00a0 What
\nstopped this potential disaster?\u00a0 Hey,
\nlet’s talk about Tony Blair being in the Coalition of the Willing.\u00a0 I Mean, Really, What The Fuck Is Going On There<\/em>?
\nEh?<\/p>\n
\nhim,” and, suddenly, a shocked silence.
\nLater that evening, the bastard was buying me drinks and crying into his
\nbeer about the state of politics in the UK.<\/p>\n
\nOne incident of true anti-American anger using me as a potential outlet
\nout of hundreds of polite and, often, friendly “what the fuck?” conversations.<\/p>\n
\n“America”
\nhas become a bit more acceptable, but you show some class if you say the
\nStates.\u00a0 It gives the appearance of being
\nmore traveled as well as being secure in your origin.\u00a0 I always say where, exactly, I’m from, and
\nit’s a terrible habit.\u00a0 Don’t name the State
\nor the city.<\/p>\n
\nstare during difficult recall of the map*<\/p>\n
\nwhat State I’m in.\u00a0 It’s not
\nimportant.\u00a0 But, most of the time, they’ll
\nfollow up with a question because they know that America is big and crazy and there
\nare 500 different regions, all of which have very pretty things in them.<\/p>\n
\nMexico.\u00a0 He
\nalways gets to talk about the desert, and even gets the old Grand Canyon
\nquestion, even though it’s 206,700 miles away from his house.\u00a0 Another friend from New
\nYork fields long conversations about NYC and Niagara Falls.\u00a0 I live outside DC, so I get shot three times
\nin the stomach and robbed.\u00a0 Both on my
\nway to work outside Union Station and during conversations at Romanian bars.<\/p>\n
\nScottish-American\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n
\nthe thing, my family has been in America for one million and three
\nyears.\u00a0 I’m American.\u00a0 I don’t have any ties to anywhere else.\u00a0 I would not recognize, nor would enjoy Scotland
\nas der Fatherland. \u00a0\u00a0It took a long time,
\nand lots of travel, for me to reach this conclusion.<\/p>\n
\ncultural identity.\u00a0 “We’re from Ireland!”\u00a0 or “I’m 1\/16th<\/sup> American
\nIndian.”\u00a0 More often than not, when
\npeople learn that I’m American, they joke about whether or not I’m
\nWhatever-American before they argue about Bush.<\/p>\n
\nJust American.\u00a0 Oh, and, I don’t
\ncare if your family came over in the 1930’s.
\nThat was a long motherfucking time ago. If you’re some rattly old man
\nwho was there, okay.\u00a0 If you’re 20, fuck
\nyou.\u00a0 You are an unhyphenated
\nAmerican.\u00a0 The moment you identify
\nyourself with some Irish \u00e9migr\u00e9 who went to California in 1854, the person you are
\ntalking to has moved you to the idiot category and wants to get away from you.<\/p>\n
\nin this country when we apply the term “African-American.”\u00a0 We’ve become so content with the ridiculous
\nhyphenated-American idea, that we think it’s okay to call blacks
\nAfrican-Americans.\u00a0 In my book, it’s a
\nwell disguised way to call them niggers.
\nIt’s the ultimate, inhuman categorization of a people.\u00a0 Blacks and Indians and Asians get stuck with
\nthat shit.\u00a0 Those who are “non-white” and
\ntraditional opponents.\u00a0 Niggers, redskins
\nand yellows.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We don’t even do it with
\nthe spanish.\u00a0 We haven’t fought with
\nthem, socially or militarily, in over a century. We don’t call them
\nHispanic-Americans.\u00a0 Someone whose family
\nis from Guatemala
\nwho’s second generation American is just that – American.\u00a0 Maybe you’d say Latino or Hispanic.\u00a0 You’d say it in the same way as you’d say
\nwhite.\u00a0 See what I mean?\u00a0 Listen to how people use the terms. Watch
\ntheir faces as they speak.<\/p>\n
\ninnocence, African-American is a crude generalization.\u00a0 All black Americans are assumed to be African
\ntherefore all black Americans are slave families.\u00a0 When you categorize a slave class, you
\npromote the continuation of that in modern society.<\/p>\n
\nAmericans.\u00a0 No hyphen.\u00a0 Just like you.\u00a0 You have no ties to that \u00e9migr\u00e9 in 1854.\u00a0 When abroad, you are just an American and
\nnobody, anywhere, cares about where your family originated.\u00a0 In fact, they’re laughing at you.\u00a0 Shut up about that shit and get a grip.\u00a0\u00a0 Or, if you must be like that, drop the
\nhyphenated American routine and just start punching people in the jaw, because
\nthat’s the level of pain you cause when you talk about your immigrant family
\nthat arrived in Detroit in 1249 BC and fought for George Washington and now you’ve
\ncome back to visit your roots.<\/p>\n