Texas Billionaire Oscar bin Laden<\/a> answered the door.
\n<\/p>\nI hadn\u2019t seen or heard from Oscar for nearly two years.\u00a0 There were always rumors of mad excesses from mutual acquaintances, the occasional article in the Bethesda Gazette (which always had a queer fixation with Oscar), and the odd comment in the various blogs I followed.\u00a0 But even those sources were in the dark as to Oscar\u2019s whereabouts.\u00a0 It was clear that he\u2019d been flying far below the radar for some time.<\/p>\n
He was alone in the room.\u00a0 Grimly grey, the Crowne Plaza\u2019s tiny rooms were a sad throwback to what Silver Spring used to be \u2013 a labyrinthine warehouse district abandoned by civilization when the trains dried up.\u00a0 From desk to chairs to beds, the room was an exercise in discomfort.\u00a0 Beyond the heavy, dusty drapes, Georgia Avenue howled in congested rush hour.<\/p>\n
Oscar asked me to sit down and he put a glass of wine on the table in front of me.\u00a0 He\u2019d clearly been awake all night, and was deep into the bottle.\u00a0 While I adjusted to the shock, I sat silently watching him watch me, then I found my wits and cleared my throat.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy grandfather?\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar held up an antique cell phone.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar nodded, \u201cStole the phone the last time he came to visit you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve been watching me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar threw the phone over his shoulder and it bounced onto one of the hard beds. \u201cRemember that time you told me you\u2019d be there for me if anything ever went really wrong and if I had no one else to turn to?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUh\u2026no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt may not have been you.\u00a0 But, still, the promise holds.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cI need your help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe if \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to kill the President.\u201d<\/p>\n
I had no hesitation.\u00a0 \u201cOh.\u00a0 Well, sure, I\u2019ll help you kill Bush.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar stood up and loomed over me, \u201cNo, no!\u00a0 Whoever is elected today!\u00a0 I\u2019m going to kill whoever is elected today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, well, they won\u2019t be President till January.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that!\u00a0 It\u2019s about planning.\u00a0 We start today and kill them on Inauguration Day.\u00a0 Preferably with an explosive collar,\u201d he looked over beside the bed, where a large suitcase appeared to have vomited blueprints and notebooks across the floor, \u201cI\u2019m still working on the how, but I\u2019m quite partial to explosive collars.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know about killing the new guy, Oscar\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u00a0 You\u2019re on board to kill Bush but not the new guy?\u201d<\/p>\n
I shrugged, \u201cI don\u2019t think anyone would really care if we killed Bush.\u00a0 They tend to be sensitive about the new guys, though.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlternatively, we can kill everyone who lives in a Red State.\u201d\u00a0 Oscar tapped his nose.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a very noble idea, but I think it would be labor intensive\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar sat back down and rested his chin on his hands, staring into middle space for several long moments before whispering, \u201cNo, no.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a plan I\u2019ve had for years.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t be labor intensive at all\u2026it would just require a little sacrifice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSacrifice is labor intensive, Oscar.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot the right kind of sacrifice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean like sharing?\u00a0 Love?\u00a0 That kind of sacrifice?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes refocused on me, \u201cOh, no.\u00a0 Not that kind.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy kill the new President anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar poured himself a glass of wine with a shaky hand.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t touched my glass.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean,\u201d I continued, in the face of his silence, \u201cis it a statement or something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why bother?\u00a0 How about we just kill Bush and call it a day.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be fun.\u00a0 It probably won\u2019t even make the front page if we do it right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMcCain is the enemy of Humanity.\u00a0 Obama is a dark messiah.\u201d\u00a0 He polished off the wine and let the glass drop to the thin carpet, where the stem cracked.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2019re both going to bring us all down, one way or another.\u00a0 It\u2019s my duty as a patriot to destroy them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you a Cynthia McKinney man?\u00a0 Because you sound like her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe I am.\u00a0 Maybe Cindy is the answer!\u00a0 And this will pave the way for her!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cActually, you\u2019ll have to kill Biden and Palin, too.\u00a0 Otherwise they\u2019ll get it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI kind of like Joe Biden,\u201d Oscar stared at the bottle of wine sitting on the nightstand, \u201cat least we know where he\u2019s coming from.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah \u2013 a drunken child molester from an inconsequential state.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom Delaware?\u00a0 Yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I mean \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cPalin\u2026she scares me.\u00a0 But I would love to grudge fuck her ass.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, wouldn\u2019t we all?\u00a0 Though I\u2019m a Willow Palin man.\u00a0 She\u2019s, what, 13 now?\u00a0 Which is almost ready for baby making in that family!\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar was shaking his head \u201cShe\u2019d have a high bride price, I think.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s so Islamic, Oscar.\u00a0 Christianity has dowries.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re both Babylonian ideas, actually.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo\u2026I don\u2019t think so.\u00a0 I think the one that is stupid and doesn\u2019t make sense is Islamic and the smart one where the bitch pays is thanks to Jesus.\u00a0 The bitch always pays, right?\u00a0 That\u2019s why hookers were hanging out with him and he never seemed to pay them.\u00a0 That\u2019s awesome.\u00a0 Mohammed never hung out with hookers.\u00a0 But he still hung out with a bunch of guys.\u00a0 Now that\u2019s fucking queer.\u00a0 You can only hang out in caves with a bunch of guys if they all have female followers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, Nacho, whatever.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus is awesome.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish I was Jesus so I could fuck hookers for free and drink wine all the fucking time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNacho!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to fuck free hookers while drinking wine!\u00a0 Every day!\u00a0 I want to do that while preaching!\u00a0 Do this \u2013 thrust \u2013 in memory of \u2013 thrust \u2013 MEEEEE!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar stared at me, then shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cSo, about our Black Jesus problem\u2026?\u00a0 Back on topic.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cObama?\u00a0 Is he the black Jesus?\u00a0 He\u2019s more a mulatto Jesus, I think.\u00a0 Or, perhaps, the Babylonian king will win?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMcCain will be easy to kill,\u201d Oscar said, \u201cAll we have to do is scare him.\u00a0 Short out his ticker.\u201d\u00a0 He tapped his chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd Palin?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOne of us scares McCain to death while the other one grudge fucks her in the ass.\u201d<\/p>\n
Something about this was making sense.\u00a0 I drank the wine in one gulp, \u201cI volunteer for the grudge fuck duty!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no.\u00a0 This is my plan.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m the Christian!\u00a0 I\u2019m anointed by Jesus.\u00a0 That gives me grudge fucking rights.\u00a0 Behold!\u00a0 The Lion of Judah!\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar leaned back on the bed.\u00a0 \u201cDoesn\u2019t matter anyway.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be the black Jesus who wins today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMulatto.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever!\u00a0 What\u2019s it matter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2019Call a spade a spade\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m glad I called you, Nacho.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeed a ride to the polls?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo!\u00a0 I\u2019m glad I called you because you put things into focus for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yes.\u00a0 In fact, I think you\u2019ve talked me out of killing.\u00a0 Just listening to you makes me think how I\u2019m not as horrible as I think and, in fact, you\u2019re a dangerous monster.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not a monster.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar sighed.\u00a0 \u201cWhat would Jesus do, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGet drunk and fuck hookers, mainly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo time for killing, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope.\u201d I said cheerfully. \u201cWalking through the desert with a bunch of guys, none of them wearing underwear, multiplying cheap fish, having the occasional psychotic episode\u2026 Busy life, really.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus wouldn\u2019t kill Obama or McCain, would he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell\u2026 I try not to speak for people, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCould you go out and get some more wine?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I can do, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
We sat for some time.\u00a0 Oscar now fully reclined on the bed, studying the ceiling.\u00a0 I drummed my fingers on the table and thought about the conversation, and about weaving my way through traffic back up to my polling place at Jackson Road Elementary.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo,\u201d I asked, \u201cexplosive collars?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are some of your preliminary ideas for getting them to wear those?\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar sat up, the drunken light gone from his eyes, \u201cI was thinking we could pose as tailors.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd\u2026what?\u00a0 Excuse me sir while I fit you with this explosive collar?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019d say it\u2019s all the rage in Europe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCould we put one on Palin and make it so that her head blows off right when I climax during the grudge fuck?\u00a0 Because I really am on board if that\u2019s possible.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oscar shuddered. \u201cIs that what Jesus would do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The text message from my grandfather instructed me to come to room 412 at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Silver Spring at 6am, which didn\u2019t make much sense as he was supposed to be in Parkersburg, West Virginia.\u00a0 Though, it …<\/p>\n
Tuesdays with Jesus<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[192,193,73,85],"class_list":["post-251","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-grandfather","tag-oscar-bin-laden","tag-silver-spring","tag-west-virginia"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/251","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=251"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/251\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1018,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/251\/revisions\/1018"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=251"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=251"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=251"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}