<\/p>\n
You know it — Archive Saturday. Old stuff from 2001.\u00a0 I’ve been drunk for years.Washington Ravaged By Thunderstorms
\nby nacho<\/p>\n
Elizabeth Washington, 22, was ravaged by thunderstorms last night. A
\nclerk at IGA, Washington was jogging along the Green Mile Parkway up
\nalong the Four-Lane at approximately 8:15pm last night when she was
\nseized by thunderstorms and ravaged repeatedly.<\/p>\n
Washington is in stable condition at Grace City Memorial today. Her father, Ira Washington, spoke with reporters earlier.<\/p>\n
“We know who this was, we know where it happened. We will be seeking justice for our daughter.”<\/p>\n
There are no suspects in custody.<\/p>\n
The Green Mile Parkway is a notorious spot for thunderstorm strikes.
\nSheriff Marshall issued a warning to young women earlier today. “Please
\nkeep an eye out for signs of danger. Especially during the summer
\nmonths, it can be hard to make predictions. Keep an eye open and head
\nfor cover at the first sign of trouble.”<\/p>\n
Washington’s brutal attack follows two other attacks earlier this
\nseason. Both victims were young women. In May, an early thunderstorm
\nattack proved near fatal for a 17 year old youth.<\/p>\n
Pastor James McCay spoke out shortly after the press conference held by Washington’s father.<\/p>\n
“She was a girl of sin! This is a compassionate town, these things
\ndon’t happen. God punishes the promiscuous. God punishes those who do
\nnot treat their bodies as His temple. Elizabeth Washington was a sinful
\nwoman. She fraternized with boys, she consumed alcohol and she was
\nrumored to have smoked marijuana at least once. ”<\/p>\n
Washington’s parents had no comment to McCay’s allegations, but they
\nhave asked that the thunderstorms be banned from Saturday’s Homecoming
\ngame.<\/p>\n
————————————————————————–<\/p>\n
Tornadoes Tear up Roofs, Trees Near Dallas
\nby nacho<\/p>\n
In an ongoing rampage after last Thursday’s Battlin’ Bats game, the Tornadoes flooded into Carrollton, a suburb of Dallas.<\/p>\n
“Damage on this scale hasn’t been seen all season,” Bats manager Toby McIntire said.<\/p>\n
The Tornadoes touched down Thursday afternoon in Carrollton, as an
\nupper level disturbance spawned severe disagreements between them and
\nthe local authorities. They left a damage swath that was 100 to 150
\nfeet wide and about 1.5 miles long, according to Sheriff Tom Parker.<\/p>\n
Sheriff’s deputies sent to the affected neighborhoods rated most of the
\ndamage as F0, with spotty occurrences of F1. The Tornadoes damaged the
\nroofs of several homes and a church located near McCoy Elementary
\nSchool. They also brought down fences, trees and limbs in the area. No
\ndamage to the school was reported, but negotiators have been unable to
\ntalk an unidentified Tornado down from the auditorium catwalks.<\/p>\n
The Tornadoes touched down about an hour later east of Fisco, which is
\nlocated north of Carrollton. Damage was reported to at least two homes.
\nAnd Pastor Jim Davisson’s 16 year old daughter, who has had previous
\nproblems with drugs, is now missing and presumed lost.<\/p>\n
“She was a wild girl,” Pastor Davisson remarked, “She called the devil
\nand he came down to take her. She is truly a lost child.” Pastor
\nDavisson will be auctioning off three autographed Britney Spears CD’s
\non ebay.<\/p>\n
The upper level disturbance responsible for the Tornadoes is heading
\nout of Texas, Sergeant Mark Russell of the Texas State Police warned.
\nHe says the tail end of the disturbance is still lingering over the
\nstate, and could produce some spotty incidents later on.<\/p>\n
“This is a sign of a deeper social problem,” Sergeant Russell stated.
\n“Right now, the focus seems to be over the Missouri River Valley. But
\ntomorrow, it could be in your homes!”<\/p>\n
————————————————————————–<\/p>\n
Typhoon Lekima Smacks South Taiwan
\nby nacho<\/p>\n
Taipei, Taiwan — Sexy rap artist, Typhoon Lekima, wasn’t as much a hit in Taiwan as her managers had hoped.<\/p>\n
Hailing from Greeneville, NC, Lekima LaChanda Johnson has been a minor
\nsensation with what she calls “interpretive urban poetry.” Performing
\nas Typhoon Lekima, she was invited to sing for a benefit concert in
\nSouthern Taiwan. Typhoon Lekima’s fringe style whipped southern Taiwan
\non Wednesday and began raining down. Critics feared the performance
\nwould disappoint farmers worried about a new round of deadly floods and
\nlandslides.<\/p>\n
Many Taiwanese live or farm on mountain slopes that are prone to mudslides when soaked, reported concert officials.<\/p>\n
Much of the concern, on the part of concert officials and fans alike,
\nwas focused on the amplification equipment. According to Lekima, “the
\nvoice of the few will be heard by all.”<\/p>\n
Mud and boulders have already started tumbling down mountainsides and
\ncovering roads in Hualien and Ilan counties on Taiwan’s eastern coast.
\nLekima’s manager, “Jumpin” Bud Parkinson insists that this has nothing
\nto do with the questionable volume of Lekima’s concerts.<\/p>\n
Residents in northern Taiwan, however, have filled more than 20,000
\nsandbags in preparation for Lekima’s Friday night “Southern Lights”
\nconcert special.<\/p>\n
Lekima, who plans to tour the entire island, began whirling out of
\nsouthern Taiwan on Wednesday, moving at 74 MPH when the roads were
\nclear.<\/p>\n
Hundreds of fishermen have strapped down their boats in Taiwanese
\nharbors, partly to cut down on theft while attending Lekima’s concert
\nbut also out of concern after a Chinese freighter, carrying extra
\namplifiers for Lekima’s performance, sank on Wednesday.<\/p>\n
Eight crew members were rescued and are now being held by Taiwanese
\nsecret police, their screams drowned out by Lekima’s gritty hip-hop
\ntunes.<\/p>\n
————————————————————————–<\/p>\n
Rain Blamed in Rash of Accidents
\nby nacho<\/p>\n
18-year-old Vanessa Rain has been taken into custody by the Mount
\nVernon Sheriff Department. She is charged with causing a rash of
\naccidents, one of which resulted in the fatality of a 43-year-old man.<\/p>\n
Martin Daniels, of Anacortes, Wash., died when his pickup crossed the
\nmedian of Interstate 5 and collided with a tractor-trailer rig Tuesday
\nafternoon. The accident happened between Everett and Mount Vernon,
\nlocated north of Seattle. Vanessa Rain was later found on the scene,
\nholding the steering wheel of Mr. Davis’ car in her hands and
\nattempting to get into position before the automatic timer on her
\ncamera cycled to zero.<\/p>\n
The truck driver, 29-year-old Steven Jackson, claimed that he “felt a
\nlittle bump a few miles back.” Then, surprisingly, he tore off his
\npants, leapt onto the table and began hooting and scratching himself,
\nsaying that he was the missing link and the government should mate him
\nwith a woman of his choice. He was taken to a hospital for observation.<\/p>\n
Earlier in the day, nine people ranging in age from 18 months to 60
\nyears, all gathered to watch the WWF “six-car pileup” which aired at 11
\nam.<\/p>\n
About five hours later, in the same area, a semi jackknifed and leaked
\ndiesel onto some surface streets in Mountlake Terrace. Residents said
\nthey all felt “high” which would have been fine if they weren’t also
\n“nauseous.” Ramps to and from the southbound lanes of I-5 were closed
\ninto the evening for dancing and games.<\/p>\n
Following a separate two-car crash, one person was treated at a
\nhospital in Mount Vernon and released on his own recognizance. The
\nsubsequent death of Jill Taylor has been blamed on this one individual,
\nwho signed into the hospital as “Joe Insurance.” He is 6-foot tall,
\nwhite, brown hair and has the ability to adopt any form he wishes for
\nthe purposes of swift and alien murder. If you have information, please
\ncall the Mount Vernon sheriff’s office.<\/p>\n
Vanessa Rain’s role in these incidents is, at the moment, unclear. She
\nhas claimed that she grew a quarter inch yesterday and more is yet to
\ncome. She says things will get worse unless the Snowy Owl is given
\nequal human rights or, at least, a “safe tree zone.” The snowy owl is
\nthe mascot for the Mount Vernon High School, of which Rain is an
\nalumnus. In her senior year, Rain was responsible for the care and
\nfeeding of “Mr. Whitey” the Owl. This involved clipping his wings,
\nblinding him and tying a barbed leash around his neck so he wouldn’t
\nfly away during football games.<\/p>\n
————————————————————————–<\/p>\n
Big Chill Midwest to East Coast
\nby nacho<\/p>\n
Midwest<\/p>\n
In the wake of massive thunderstorms, pressure from Canada and ongoing
\n“windal frontage” reported by the McPherson-Cornhusker Weather Station
\nin Nebraska, many Midwesterners are staying indoors and watching the
\nseminal thirty-something film from 1983, “The Big Chill.” The film has
\ngrown in popularity in recent years as it tells the story of ex
\ncollege-radicals who have conformed to society and adopted comfortable
\nlives, much like 99% of America’s Midwesterners. Many feel that this is
\na great film about friendship, coming together and discovering your
\ninner self.<\/p>\n
Northeast<\/p>\n
The Northeast says, “Give us a fucking break!” There is no doubt, in
\ntheir opinion, that Kasdan stole the script for the Big Chill from John
\nSayles. Further, this is a generally accepted theory. It’s not some
\nfringe idea coming out of pretentious film nuts from Boston. Sayles put
\nout “The Return of the Secaucus 7” in 1980 on a shoestring budget with
\nunknown actors. The only thing different is that the Big Chill had
\nabout an oodle more money and Kevin Costner playing a dead body.
\nActually, that alone makes the Big Chill worth it. Everyone in the
\nNortheast wants Costner to die on film, like Seagal in that airplane
\nmovie. He went direct to video after that, didn’t he? Shit, maybe
\nTravolta will die on film someday. If there’s one person that needs to
\nbe direct to video, it’s Travolta.<\/p>\n
South<\/p>\n
Most people in the South are enormous fans of the “Big Black Cock Attack” video series.<\/p>\n
Tape one features: Black on black, everything goes! Also includes some white bitches.<\/p>\n
Tape two features: Sloppy whores who treat their man right and inter-racial clam bumping.<\/p>\n
Tape five features: Black brothers having sick sex with sista and some blonde bitch. Got ass and face!<\/p>\n
The series is a favored alternative to the “Big Black Dicks” series
\nreleased in 1997. However, a strong contingent from Texas insists that
\nthe up and coming “Big Black Mo-Fo’s” series has more artistic value.
\nThe latest installment contains raw, jangling balls-to-the-wall oreo
\nsex. The brothers are back in episode five wielding their mighty,
\nmuther-fuckin’ cum-loaded nightsticks on any and every ho and bitch
\naching for the right stuff.<\/p>\n
West<\/p>\n
Uh… A quick moving frontal system will bring rain to western
\nWashington. Snow can also be expected in the mountains from the
\nNorthwest to western Montana to northern California on Saturday. The
\nrest of the region will enjoy above average temperatures.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353],"class_list":["post-2483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2483","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2483"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2483\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2818,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2483\/revisions\/2818"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2483"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2483"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2483"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}