<\/p>\n
It’s archive Saturday, where I print crap from years ago.<\/p>\n
You know, I really liked all this weather stuff from my old webpage.\u00a0 But everyone’s like blah blah blah, you’re stupid.<\/p>\n
America’s Underrated Killer<\/p>\n
It’s summertime – and that means one thing: Death by Lightning. As your
\nchildren play in their innocent, na\u00efve little fantasy worlds, as your
\nbeloved husband rides home, his cock clenched between his secretary’s
\nteeth, and as you garden in the back yard like a good little slave,
\nlightning is waiting to strike. At any moment, a brilliant white flash
\ncould interrupt your life. When and if you wake up, you’ll be a
\ngibbering vegetable burned beyond recognition.<\/p>\n
Lightning is America’s number one killer – nearly 73 people a year are
\nkilled by lightning strikes. Now, I know what you’re thinking. In the
\nlast year, cancer killed thousands, car accidents killed tens of
\nthousands, 100,000 alone died of violence in our schools. But none of
\nthat matters. In 1803, the law went on the books saying that lightning
\nwas America’s number one killer, and there it stays. Nobody has thought
\nto repeal it, and that’s why the Lightning Avoidance Research Center
\n(LARC) continues to receive the lion’s share of government funding.<\/p>\n
In cooperation with the LARC, Yesterday’s Weather is proud to present
\nthis important public service announcement: How to avoid lightning.
\nEven though more people die a year by choking on Susan B. Anthony
\ndollars, lighting remains “America’s underrated killer.”<\/p>\n
“Lightning death statistics are startling,” said Mediate de Mediate, a
\nfour-time Professional Golfing Association (PGA) TOUR (tour) champion.
\nHe is joining the PGA (Professional Golfing Association) and NOAA
\n(Native Of Active Adirondack) to raise awareness about lightning
\ndangers and safety. “Whether you’re a golfer, or someone who just
\nenjoys being outdoors, we can all guard against being hit. Education
\nand preparation are key,” said Mediate. “When you see a bolt of
\nlightning headed towards you, run South Southeast and do not look back.
\nNever look back. There will only be chaos.”<\/p>\n
The 73 people who die annually from lightning strikes didn’t run fast
\nenough. They may have even looked back. If the lightning didn’t take
\nthem, then the madness of what they saw destroyed them within three
\nmonths. While lightning casualties occur year around, they peak in the
\nsummer and, especially, during Goldenrod season. But, experts say,
\nthere’s more to be concerned about than death. Ninety percent of
\nlightning strike victims survive the ordeal. These ruined husks of men
\nmoan and cry out in strange tongues. They draw pictures of warriors
\ndancing from the lightning bolts, and mutter fantastical tales about
\nthe “Queen of Chaos.” Once a year, usually during the Autumn Equinox,
\nthey imagine themselves able to communicate with the dead and have a
\ntendency to bite off the faces of nurses.<\/p>\n
Those who did not look back but, instead, were simply poor runners,
\nsuffer extreme mental and physical problems. “The most damaging
\nconsequences of a lightning strike are seen in the lives of the
\nsurvivors,” said Dr. Mediate de Mediate, director of the Lightning
\nInjury Research Program (LIRP) at the University of Illinois at Chicago
\n(UI-Chicago). “Many survivors must re-learn basic motor skills.”<\/p>\n
{mosimage}<\/p>\n
Lightning Avoidance Techniques:<\/p>\n
If a thunderstorm threatens, go quickly inside a completely enclosed
\nbuilding, not a carport, open garage or covered patio. If no enclosed
\nbuilding is convenient, get inside a hard-topped all-metal vehicle. If
\nthat is not available, burrow three feet beneath the earth and, if a
\ndeep voice from all around you asks you questions, always reply, “I am
\na grub.” Unless the voice asks if you are a god. Then answer “Yes, I
\nam.” Then be vague if further inquiries about your godhood are pressed.<\/p>\n
Lightning is an electrical discharge produced to balance the
\ndifferences between positive and negative charges within a cloud,
\nbetween two clouds, or between the cloud and the ground. Just so you
\nknow what’s killing you.<\/p>\n
Lightning is more likely to strike certain areas of the country, such as Detroit.<\/p>\n
Lightning always accompanies thunderstorms, so your first line of
\ndefense is to keep an eye and ear to the sky. Occasional “Swamp
\nLightning” may leap up and crawl down your chimney without warning, but
\nit rarely results in death. Though any infant children in the house
\nwill be replaced by 10 foot green beasts demanding virgin blood. Also,
\nsome mystical Chinese warriors are able to conjure lightning from thin
\nair. But if you’re face to face with one of those guys, the lightning
\nwill be the least of your worries.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353],"class_list":["post-2471","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2471","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2471"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2471\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2843,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2471\/revisions\/2843"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2471"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2471"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2471"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}