I\u2019ve been to over a thousand weddings, as an employee charged with staying in a back office and trying to read a book.\u00a0 But I\u2019ve only been a guest at three weddings\u2026and all of them were alcohol free.<\/p>\n
Two were Muslim, which is fine.\u00a0 If fucking god tells you not to booze up, then okay.\u00a0 But one was some sort of Christian fundamentalist thing, and I will not stand by that because, of all the deities Humanity has cooked up over the years, Jesus comes in at the number two boozehound spot.\u00a0 Hell, all Bacchus did was party.\u00a0 Fucking Jesus used up a miracle just to make sure there was enough booze at the party\u2026And he was 12!\u00a0 What the fuck is that?<\/p>\n
\nIf he pulled that shit at 30, then we\u2019d be ho-hum.\u00a0 But here\u2019s this little kid who turns everything at the party into wine.\u00a0 Even I would find that inconvenient.\u00a0 Oh, it\u2019s 2am, how about a soda or some coffee or something?<\/p>\n
NO!\u00a0 WINE!\u00a0 All these barrels?\u00a0 WINE!<\/p>\n
If I pulled that shit at 12, I would have been shipped off to youth services.<\/p>\n
Now, Nacho, about the wine\u2026<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s not just some funny Messiah\u2019s Childhood story, Jesus couldn\u2019t leave that wine alone, could he?\u00a0 Drink this in memory of me\u2026 DRINK IT!<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve known plenty of drunks like that crazy bastard.\u00a0 This wine is my blood\u2026 Yeah, yeah, I hear you.\u00a0 Look, I\u2019ll get the next one, but that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n
The primary reason that fundamentalist wedding didn\u2019t have booze is because the church let my friends use their little rec center.\u00a0 So, really, my friends would have had booze if they could have afforded to get married in a real place.\u00a0 I\u2019m just generally offended when everybody\u2019s favorite drunken god is invoked as an excuse to force me to sit through a fucking wedding without alcohol.\u00a0 So offended, in fact, that I premixed several bottles of \u201cspecial orange juice\u201d and stowed them away in my big, big, troubled high schooler winter coat, which I have had since high school and have used fairly often to smuggle alcohol into booze-free zones.\u00a0 I look forward to when I can wear that big coat.\u00a0 I fill it up with bottles of beer and wine and mixed drinks and then head out somewhere and just let my friends feed off of me.<\/p>\n
Yes!\u00a0 I am the liquor worm!\u00a0 Feed!\u00a0 Feed!<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll stop now because I\u2019ve been drinking scotch for two hours and I\u2019m supposed to be hard at work here at my oh-so-serious job.\u00a0 If I keep writing, I\u2019m going to start reading out loud as I type.<\/p>\n
I AM THE LIQUOR WORM.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve been to over a thousand weddings, as an employee charged with staying in a back office and trying to read a book.\u00a0 But I\u2019ve only been a guest at three weddings\u2026and all of them were alcohol free. Two were …<\/p>\n