<\/p>\n
I have a friend.\u00a0 Let’s call him Steve.\u00a0 I was at his house
\nfor a party getting sniped by him because he’s consumed by self doubt
\nand wanted to build himself up in front of a girl who wasn’t going to
\nfuck him.<\/p>\n
Well, that’s what a mutual friend claims.\u00a0 She says that this girl
\nwasn’t going to fuck Steve and they’ve done the platonic lovers dance
\nfor a decade.\u00a0 Maybe so, I never take an interest in the life and
\ntimes of hopeless morons, but, the fact is, this girl spent the night
\nin Steve’s room.\u00a0 She got herself liquored up, thanks to my
\nministrations, then hiked up to the bedroom.\u00a0 At this point,
\nSteve, her presumptive cock for the night, started cleaning up the
\nparty debris.\u00a0 Three AM, a girl on his bed, and he’s doing the
\ndishes, mopping the floor, gathering up the garbage.\u00a0 If my vodka
\nred juice had been in something other than a plastic cup, I would have
\nhurled it at his head.<\/p>\n
I don’t know what boiled my blood the most – passing up an obvious
\nchance for sex or using me as a punching bag to try and establish some
\nalpha male routine when the girl had driven three hours to be
\nthere.\u00a0 It’s not a situation like, hey, this is some chick from
\nwork I’m trying to score with, get on my side.\u00a0 No, it’s some
\nchick who drove from fucking Dover to a spot well past DC expressly to
\nspend the night with him.\u00a0 That’s 120 miles.\u00a0 Girl says she’s
\ndriving 120 miles to see me and you can bet I’m going to put clean
\nsheets on the bed and, certainly, have no fear about entering her into
\nthe party mix.\u00a0 She’s there for one purpose.<\/p>\n
Now, this would be clear to most folks.\u00a0 Go on with the party and
\nenjoy yourself.\u00a0 In fact, you’re elevated by a score like
\nthat.\u00a0 Nobody sees it that way, though.\u00a0 People like Steve,
\nall too common, don’t know left from right.<\/p>\n
The great problem in Modern America is that the country has bred adult
\nchildren.\u00a0 Taboos against sex, drugs, smoking and drinking have
\nbecome so entrenched that now a vast percentage of my peers are living
\nlike the prime time TV image of 1955.\u00a0 They’re not even smart
\nenough to live like it really was 1955 – swapping wives at regular
\nweekly cocktail parties and toning down the work day with a liquid
\nlunch.\u00a0 And that was when we were all happy and proud!\u00a0 Now,
\nmore than ever, we need cocktail parties, liquid lunches, fine cigars
\nand anal fisting sessions with the neighbor’s wife.<\/p>\n
Instead, we sit in place and watch ourselves getting fat almost as
\nrapidly as a September storm sweeping through the foothills of
\nAppalachia.\u00a0 We drink lightly and get a false social drunk, which
\nwe then regret after a tearful confession about some lost fucking love
\nten years ago.\u00a0 Or maybe we have an angry outburst about some
\ntrait in a friend that’s bugged us for fifteen years.\u00a0 After that
\n— smoking is bad, okay?\u00a0 Perhaps even sinful.\u00a0 Sex with a
\nfriend is impossible, sex with a lover is a source of guilt.<\/p>\n
Oh, I know we’re not all in that boat.\u00a0 I’m talking about the
\ncommon people, the unenlightened.\u00a0 The PC generation.\u00a0 My
\npeers who drag my generation to the floor of the ocean and smother
\nanything intelligent and bright and new with sick, dead mud.<\/p>\n
I had a nice conversation with a friend one night where he told me
\nabout why he kicked his girlfriend to the curb.\u00a0 She was hideous,
\nto be fair, but not in a truly beastly way.\u00a0 I guess you could say
\nshe was ugly enough to be distracting, but my friend’s in a beggars
\ncan’t be choosers place in life because he’s depressed, bitter, passive
\naggressive, hyper-critical and 300 pounds.\u00a0 He scored an okay
\ngirl, all things considered.\u00a0 Better still, she was an anal freak
\nwho did anything and everything with any part of her body
\nimaginable.\u00a0 And then some.<\/p>\n
What was wrong with that?\u00a0 My friend told me, “There wasn’t enough of a challenge.”<\/p>\n
I always need to pause when I think about that response.\u00a0 The pull
\nme, punch me, beat me, slam my ass, swallow every drop lady is no good
\nbecause she’s easy?\u00a0 She even called before she came over, which
\nis just about perfect.\u00a0 None of the creepy show up at the door
\nunannounced shit.\u00a0 She respectfully sought permission to come to
\nher violation sessions.\u00a0 I’m all for love and serious commitment,
\nbut that’s something you can actively seek in between Friday Nights
\nwith the Whore of Babylon, \u2018holding in her hand a golden cup full of
\nabominations and the impurities of her fornication’.\u00a0 In fact,
\nthose early stages of \u2018courting’ a woman properly are far more
\npalatable if you’re coming off a three day drunk with some fucking
\nslut.\u00a0 (Oh, please, baby, can we just lie here and sleep?)<\/p>\n
This friend threw out the whore with the bathwater.\u00a0 I can
\nunderstand the logic, but I think it’s our responsibility – as new men
\n– to learn the value of whores and support them emotionally.\u00a0 Use
\nthem as that necessary launching pad to relieve the body of
\npoisons.\u00a0 Otherwise, we’re breeding rapists and murderers.
\nMark my words.<\/p>\n
The challenge theory is bullshit.\u00a0 It always exists.\u00a0 I certainly don’t look<\/em> See, it’s the image thing.\u00a0 It’s back to 1955, all over again.\u00a0 Leave it to Beaver<\/em> Let’s talk about smoking.\u00a0 (I’m drunk.\u00a0 I can make this a That said, I think smoking, generally speaking, is fine.\u00a0 It’s one So, look, I’m out of Dr. Pepper and it’s just rum on ice now. I’ll go Dover girl heads upstairs while the party chugs through at a terrible Then Dover girl hops back down and, as if the tension were some secret With me calmed and tight-mouthed, Dover girl correctly read that the We didn’t, of course, because the 572 Canadian Geese roosting in the So the moral of my story:\u00a0 Shut the fuck up and have sex, have a <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[352],"tags":[353,160],"class_list":["post-2467","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gsarchive","tag-gs-archive-2004-2008","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2467","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2467"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2467\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2849,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2467\/revisions\/2849"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2467"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2467"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2467"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nfor a challenge.\u00a0 I don’t have to.\u00a0 Women are expensive,
\ndangerous, brutal, back-channeling traitors who can’t connect clear
\nthoughts and are incapable of logic or reason.\u00a0 Every straight man
\nis challenged beyond their ability to function in society even if they
\nswear celibacy or surround themselves with careless, psychotic
\nwhores.\u00a0 A man lives, sleeps and breathes the \u2018challenge’.
\nI’m so challenged I constantly wish I was born gay, and I promise you
\nthat I only associate with a class of woman who believes the cunt was
\nmade for the cock and why are we wasting time with dinner?<\/p>\n
\nlifestyles being aped and mocked.\u00a0 That’s the way we think it’s
\nsupposed to be, even though one out of ten of us actually come from a
\nreal family.\u00a0 Maybe that’s the problem, the first big Broken
\nHousehold Generation comes of age, hits 25 or 30 like a deer hitting a
\ntruck and has a meltdown.\u00a0 Women close their legs and men try to
\nbe like Ward Cleaver, except we don’t have equitable pay, safe pensions
\nor even a secure job, anymore.\u00a0 So I don’t know if Ward is a good
\nexample.\u00a0 If you told Ward drinking and smoking were bad, and that
\nhe could be fired from his job with the remainder of the day’s pay as
\nhis only severance package, and that his company only paid 3-6% on his
\nretirement package, he’d go on a rampage.<\/p>\n
\ntangential exercise and call it art.)\u00a0 I hate smoking.\u00a0 I’m
\nagainst it.\u00a0 I fully support smoking bans in public places.
\nI do this not out of the interest of health, but because I’m a
\nprofessional drinker and I hate feeling the need to shower on Saturday
\nmornings because, more often than not, I’m on someone’s couch and need
\nto be ready to continue a good drunk.\u00a0 Smokey drinking dens get in
\nthe way of the true meaning of alcohol.\u00a0 I also want to ban
\njukeboxes, TV’s and loud music in public places.\u00a0 I want to
\nquietly drink, talk in low tones with a friend or the bartender and
\nleave with my hearing intact and no desire to dryclean my coat.<\/p>\n
\nthing to ban it from public places, because now we can pick up our 10
\nyear old cousins from school and bring them to the bar with a clear
\nconscience, but it’s another to look down on a smoker.\u00a0\u00a0 It’s
\nwith this in mind that I’ve resolved to start smoking once it’s finally
\nbanned everywhere.\u00a0 Currently, I enjoy cigars and cigarillos, more
\nbecause it upsets people when I spend an hour with a Montecristo and
\nonly order a small coke and a shot of vodka.\u00a0 Though my current
\nfavorite is to smoke large cigars on the bench outside the day care
\ncenter – when I’m not<\/em> picking anyone up.<\/p>\n
\nback to Steve’s story, because it’s an image that’ll stick with
\nme.\u00a0 The girl from Dover’s driven 120 miles to the party, Steve
\ngoes right into the chauvinistic protect-the-girl mode.\u00a0 That sick
\n\u2018daddy’s here to protect you’ thing that guys do.\u00a0 My detractors
\naccuse me of being chauvinistic, but I’m the only man who treats women
\nfairly.\u00a0 Misogynism is not chauvinism, kids.\u00a0 You might want
\nto get that straight so I don’t think you’re stupid when you criticize
\nme.<\/p>\n
\npace.\u00a0 It’s amazing what three drunks on edge, a teetotaling
\npragmatist and a depressive illiterate can do to wreck a small social
\ngathering.\u00a0 Pretty much, we all just sat there and waited for
\nsomeone to start shooting.<\/p>\n
\nthing, we launched into cheery faux conversation that was more generic
\nnoise than language.\u00a0 She had showered and changed into ridiculous
\npajamas, and she perched beside Steve like an owl.\u00a0 I had the
\nbrief thought that my purpose was to steal her away, simply out of
\nspite, but my fellow drunks wrestled me out to the porch where I chain
\nsmoked Nat Shermans and ranted about migrating Canada Geese.
\nBefore long, I’d been brought to a safe drunken plateau where women
\nseemed irrelevant and the evening wound down to nothing.<\/p>\n
\nparty was over and she leapt up, clearly enunciated each of the
\nfollowing words to Steve:\u00a0 “I guess I’m going up to the bedroom
\nnow,” and took off upstairs once again.\u00a0 I settled down with one
\nof my fellow drunks and shared a bottle of Tums with him. Steve said
\ngoodnight to Dover girl and, horror of horrors, spent the next 80
\nminutes cleaning up his townhouse until not a trace of the gathering
\nwas left.\u00a0 My fellow drunk and I spent that 80 minutes staring at
\neach other with one clear\u00a0 thought on the table between us:
\nAncient and modern social custom demanded that someone go upstairs and
\nmate with Dover girl.\u00a0 Failure to do so would, most likely, lead
\nthe human race to extinction.<\/p>\n
\nwindow well had emotionally unbalanced us.\u00a0 Given the choice of
\nfucking a squirrelly brunette or hammering on the paper thin glass
\nwhile screaming incoherently at a truckload of giant birds, my decision
\nwas clear.<\/p>\n
\nsmoke, get some pot, have a martini lunch and relax.\u00a0 Relax.
\nAll my buds rave about Fight Club<\/em> and Office Space<\/em>
\nbut no one seems to realize that we’re the stars of movies like
\nthat.\u00a0 That’s why we’re raving about them.\u00a0 You, my friends,
\nare Shaun, but you’re not going to be fortunate enough to face down a
\nplague of zombies to jumpstart the realizations of your potential.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"