{"id":2431,"date":"2012-06-27T13:50:53","date_gmt":"2012-06-27T18:50:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=2431"},"modified":"2018-10-28T17:58:29","modified_gmt":"2018-10-28T21:58:29","slug":"beautiful-things","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=2431","title":{"rendered":"Beautiful Things"},"content":{"rendered":"

Since I now only write articles so that I can keep the GS Kindle subscription<\/a> active and, therefore, make my precious $3 a month from subscribers who mistakenly think this is a porn site for some reason, I should probably angle towards more light-hearted fare.
\n<\/p>\n

I sort of default to whining about gentrification and how much I despise my life and I know that\u2019s intensely boring for some people, and deeply concerns others, but I\u2019ve always been an advocate of do what comes easiest. Which is why I\u2019m a chronic masturbator who drinks screw-top wine.<\/p>\n

Writing never comes easy. Not for anyone. There\u2019s a little bit of labor that goes into this\u2026especially when I\u2019m sitting in my soulless office, surrounded by morons, counting down to happy hour at 6pm. Though I just spent $150 on a plumber this morning, so tonight\u2019s happy hour plan is to throw myself on the mercy of friends and drink whatever they buy me. Which, after a lifetime of doing such things, is usually something like Cointreau on ice. But I choke it down because it\u2019s free. And because I know there are 23 year old plumbers out there who make $100 an hour. I don\u2019t remember what I was doing at 23. Probably masturbating and drinking screw-top wine.<\/p>\n

So! Light-hearted! Hello internet! Today I did not get high on a new-fangled street drug that makes me strip naked and chew people\u2019s faces off! What about you? Today\u2019s news, though, is about the guy who, in a similar drug frenzy, stripped naked, ran around on all fours barking, and then killed and fucking ate his dog in front of his kids. That sort of makes the face eating zombie guy look tame, don\u2019t you think? At least the guy who got his face chewed off knew what was coming. You can make your peace with your gods, then. But the family dog? It\u2019s racing around thinking that everything is fun and games.<\/p>\n

And it is, I guess, till somebody rips your throat out.<\/p>\n

Which gets me to my main point: I\u2019m going to write about beautiful things from now on and never complain again. The below are topics I\u2019m considering for future articles.<\/p>\n

Beautiful Thing #1: The law I\u2019m trying to get my Congressman to pass which allows me to use a whip on fellow commuters in the Washington Metro system. My hope is to get a whip like the Morlocks used to herd the Eloi in the 1960 Time Machine. The kind that makes that impressive sounding ker-rack, followed by a studio-fabricated echo effect. Ker-rack! Ker-rack!<\/p>\n

Beautiful Thing #2: Girlbutts.<\/p>\n

Beautiful Thing #3: Mastering the art of chronic masturbation and one-handed screw-top wine bottle opening and drinking without spilling a drop. Of any fluid. If you know what I mean.<\/p>\n

Beautiful Thing #4: Books I\u2019m involved with that unexpectedly sell out\u2026and I\u2019m not the one responsible for doing another print run because I\u2019m just a consultant. That\u2019s a very beautiful thing, actually. Oh, sorry kids, your book sold out. Go spend another ten grand getting it reprinted. I\u2019ll be\u2026um\u2026 No, I\u2019m not calling from the airport. What are you talking about? What announcement? That\u2019s just the TV.<\/p>\n

Beautiful Thing #5: More girlbutts.<\/p>\n

Beautiful Thing #6: That law I\u2019m trying to get my Congressman to pass where I\u2019m allowed to carry a concealed machete and use it on people who stand in doorways, oblivious to anyone behind them.<\/p>\n

I figure all that is enough to launch the New Nacho Sasha. A man who is not obsessed with the fucking glaring scar of segregationist gentrification and the overwhelmingly horrible truths of the workaday salary serf world. I don\u2019t know why I bother complaining, anyway, since gentrification means better bars and my ever-improving salary serfdom means I have a near unlimited cash flow to spend at those bars. Where would I be otherwise? At that old Mexican place on Georgia Avenue (now closed) that was some sort of MS-13 front. You had to be gang raped by pool cues just to get a Tecate in that place! Which is why I now associate Tecate with good times. Me and pre-gentrification Silver Spring. Nowhere else in America has gang raping been so much fun.<\/p>\n

Okay. I\u2019m going to go start on the girlbutt articles.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Since I now only write articles so that I can keep the GS Kindle subscription active and, therefore, make my precious $3 a month from subscribers who mistakenly think this is a porn site for some reason, I should probably …<\/p>\n

Beautiful Things<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[52,5],"tags":[397,73],"class_list":["post-2431","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-meanwhile-in-silver-spring","category-rants","tag-rants","tag-silver-spring"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2431","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2431"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2431\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2432,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2431\/revisions\/2432"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2431"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2431"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2431"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}