Last time on \u201cThe Boble\u201d:<\/p>\n
BOB created Man, the Earth, sexy women, mosquitoes, black syphilis, West Nile Virus and\u2026 Well he was quite busy.\u00a0 Then Stick killed Unable.\u00a0 Then there was a bunch of sex and babies, but we skipped all that.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Chapter Three
\n\u201cLots of Water\u201d<\/p>\n
Okay.\u00a0 Caught your breath?\u00a0 Let\u2019s move forward\u2026down those corridors of history and into the world as it grew from the seed of Dick.\u00a0 There was the world, so many years after the Garden and Stick\u2019s dark deeds.\u00a0 A world kind of like a Mad Max<\/em> movie. Huge cities had grown up and there was rape and murder in the countryside.\u00a0 Actually, that\u2019s more like a documentary on the Congo.\u00a0\u00a0 The people had become unfocused and they began to stray from BOB.\u00a0 To top it off, sausages were declared too high in cholesterol.\u00a0 Yes, things had taken a bad turn.<\/p>\n * * * *<\/p>\n BOB awoke one morning in Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage), fried himself some holy sausage, got himself all fancied up, put on the holy purple-tinted sunglasses and sauntered on down to a city called Hot Monkey Love (HML Southside, baby!).\u00a0 In those days, BOB still visited the Earth.\u00a0 He often visited the people of the Earth before that embarrassing incident with the 16-year old girl in 467AD.<\/p>\n \u201cHowdy, folks!\u201d BOB said cheerfully to the rather uptight pedestrians that he encountered.<\/p>\n A man in an orange coat leapt aside.\u00a0 \u201cWhere did you come from?\u201d<\/p>\n BOB cleared his throat then smiled politely.\u00a0 \u201cFrom the alleyway.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you doing lurking around an alley?\u201d the man asked, as a small crowd began to form around him.<\/p>\n \u201cI was\u2026\u201d BOB thought hard for a moment, then shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cI was materializing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat happened to me once,\u201d an old man snarled from the crowd, \u201cBurritos.\u201d<\/p>\n BOB waved at the gathered crowd, \u201cHello everyone, I am \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n A passing commuter pushed through to the front of the crowd to see what the commotion was about.\u00a0 As soon as he heard BOB speak, he crinkled his nose and swung loose wrists in the air.\u00a0 It was apparent that this man recognized BOB from somewhere, \u201cYou are BOB?\u201d the man asked with a heavy French accent.<\/p>\n \u201cYes!\u201d BOB replied cheerfully, expecting the Frenchman to fall to the ground in awe.<\/p>\n \u201cAs it happens,\u201d the man replied coolly,\u00a0 \u201cwe don’t believe in you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh, the American’s of Europe.\u201d BOB muttered.\u00a0 \u201cRight, whatever.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 He turned to a young woman in the crowd and smiled politely.\u00a0 BOB was hard to deny, especially when he smiled.\u00a0 Not only strikingly handsome, he also exuded an aura of pure studliness that would make the most macho dockworker fall in love with him.\u00a0\u00a0 The woman, of course, was so daunted by this beauty that she stripped naked before the Great Deity without even a second thought. She fell before him and rolled around a little bit so he could see her body.<\/p>\n Now this was more like it, BOB thought, some crazy blonde bitch going nuts for him.\u00a0 The best answer for women like this was to play hard to get.\u00a0 He pushed his way through the crowd and headed for a nearby coffee shop.<\/p>\n At the coffee shop, he was staring hard at the poppyseed muffins when a brunette of such incredible lushiness stepped up and knelt before him.\u00a0 BOB found himself shaking a little as she turned wide green eyes up towards him. She was a perfectly formed creature, wearing a blue-rubber halter-top and a pair of leather pants.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat… Is your wish?\u201d she breathed.\u00a0 The tiny muscles in her child-like arms flexed as she ran her hands across her breasts, the rubber of her halter-top shifting slightly with a disconcerting sucking sound.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you say White Mocha?\u201d the clerk asked, pouring beans into the grinder.<\/p>\n BOB and the woman stared at the clerk for a few beats.<\/p>\n \u201cI heard White Mocha.\u201d The clerk muttered.\u00a0 \u201cDo you want a White Mocha?\u201d<\/p>\n The woman seemed uncertain for a moment, her eyes drifting languidly towards the advertisement for White Mochas.\u00a0 Then she turned back to BOB, \u201cMy lord, I live only to serve you.\u201d<\/p>\n But BOB was thinking hard, \u201cWhat\u2019s a White Mocha?\u201d he asked the clerk.<\/p>\n \u201cKinda like a normal Mocha\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut white,\u201d BOB hissed.<\/p>\n \u201cAh, you beat me to it.\u201d The clerk clicked his tongue, \u201cThat was pretty funny for the first week.\u201d\u00a0 He stared into the middle distance.\u00a0 \u201cFour years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am here to fulfill your wishes!\u201d the woman spread her arms out, jerking her head back and closing her eyes.<\/p>\n BOB turned his attention back to the lovely brunette, \u201cLittle baby Isis, I could spend the whole day wishing with you.\u201d He reached down and helped the beauty to her feet. \u201cOne such as you has no need to bow before me.\u201d<\/p>\n He bought her a White Mocha and the two of them took in the sites of Hot Monkey Love – including the Hanging Gardens of Ultratrim IV, the Colossus of Bill, the Golden Scimitar of Marzipan, and the various statues of false gods. BOB noticed these latter sites and took special note of them, especially when he and his companion came to the temple of BOB in the center of town. By Bobist philosophy, the temple should be empty anyway. It merely stood as a symbol of his great power. In this case, however, the temple was a mess. Worse still, angry graffiti covered the walls.\u00a0 BOB became enraged.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is the meaning of this?\u201d he asked his beautiful companion.<\/p>\n \u201cNobody believes in BOB anymore.\u201d She replied, her hand massaging his oh-so-incredible ass.<\/p>\n \u201cBut I am BOB!\u201d he shouted.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, relax.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t it just a bore to be the Supreme Being?\u201d she breathed.<\/p>\n \u201cNo\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo what anyway?\u00a0 If the people want to worship some screwy god, why not let them?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I am their creator.\u201d<\/p>\n The brunette pursed her lips, \u201cBut we have free will, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not the point!\u201d BOB shouted.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry I ever mentioned that.\u00a0 I have your loyalty, right?\u201d<\/p>\n Another small crowd was gathering around BOB and she glanced around nervously.\u00a0 \u201cUnfortunately, O BOB,\u201d she replied slowly, \u201cI wasn\u2019t a believer until I saw you. I used to go with the blind clockmaker theory.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd all these people?\u201d BOB asked.<\/p>\n \u201cThey share similar views, and probably a general disregard for your power.\u201d She turned to him and put her hands on his chest, \u201cLook, baby, it\u2019s natural.\u00a0 People grow up.\u00a0 They become logical\u2026cynical.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI will talk to them,\u201d BOB whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d the brunette looked a little frightened, \u201cHow about we go somewhere and relax, we could \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n She was too late.\u00a0 BOB stepped forward and raised his arms, \u201cI am your lord and creator, I am BOB.\u201d<\/p>\n There was a long silence.\u00a0 Then someone in the crowd asked, \u201cIf you are BOB, then why do you allow us to suffer? Why do you allow evil? Why do you allow SIDS and hunchbacked babies? Why do you allow cancer, war, plague…?\u201d<\/p>\n Another bystander piped up, \u201cYeah, and what\u2019s with the yuppie-look, Retro-boy?\u201d<\/p>\n BOB pointed his finger at the second speaker, a young, strong-looking man. \u201cI don\u2019t look like a yuppie.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay khaki-boy,\u201d<\/p>\n BOB clenched both fists and moved aggressively towards the speaker, \u201cEverybody wears khakis!\u201d he shouted.<\/p>\n \u201cKhaki, leather jacket, the little GQ button-down.\u201d The second bystander rolled his eyes and shook his hands in front of his face in mock fear.<\/p>\n The first bystander stepped forward, \u201cLook, I had a serious question.\u00a0 Why all the pain and suffering?\u201d<\/p>\n BOB turned on him, \u201cAll these things happen to you because you\u2019re fuck-ups.\u201d<\/p>\n The first speaker stared blankly at BOB.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d BOB said, \u201cdid I say that out loud?\u00a0 What I\u2019m saying is\u2026 that you have free will, so that\u2019s why \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cFree will to get cancer?\u00a0 Alzheimer\u2019s?\u00a0 Hit by a bus?\u201d the first bystander interrupted.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd another thing,\u201d the second bystander said, \u201cwhat is with that jacket?\u00a0 I mean, the fake shiny leather?\u00a0 What, is that like a statement or something?\u201d<\/p>\n The first heckler cried out and stepped in front of the second, \u201cLook, man, so you let all these horrible things happen and you think we\u2019ll forgive you because you say it\u2019s because of \u2018free will\u2019?\u00a0 What the hell is that?\u00a0 Does a 4 year old child choose freely to be caught in the cross-fire of a gang shoot out?\u201d<\/p>\n The second bystander cleared his throat, \u201cActually, that\u2019s circumstance.\u00a0 Not free will.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen what\u2019s the point of life?\u201d the first bystander asked BOB.\u00a0 Others in the crowd were muttering angrily, glancing at BOB and reaching furtively for weapons.<\/p>\n BOB shrugged and thought for a few moments. \u201cUh\u2026 The point of life?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t it like seize the day or something? I don\u2019t know, I didn\u2019t really have a point when I created you. But I am your master! You must bow down to me.\u201d<\/p>\n BOB\u2019s beautiful companion intervened, speaking with a woman\u2019s voice of reason, \u201cThey believe that even if you did create the universe, you have still abandoned us. Furthermore, as confirmed by your own statements today, they believe that you don\u2019t really care about them and that you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re doing.\u201d<\/p>\n BOB squinted up at the sun.\u00a0 Then he turned his attention back to his female companion.\u00a0 \u201cYou’ll have to run that by me again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUm,\u201d she thought for a moment, \u201cThey believe that you created the world without knowing it and have since acted irresponsibly, and slightly cruel.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat’s a very interesting belief -\u201d BOB replied at length<\/p>\n \u201cAh…yes – \u201c By now, the first speaker was growing edgy.<\/p>\n \u201cBut it’s stupid!\u201d BOB shouted viciously.\u00a0 Then he rose up in a cloud of extremely pretty women and addressed all within earshot. \u201cDo any among you claim loyalty to me?\u201d<\/p>\n His beautiful companion leapt up onto the cloud and laid out flat at his feet.<\/p>\n \u201cOh baby,\u201d BOB said, \u201cI know your deal.\u201d Then he looked down upon the people of Hot Monkey Love, \u201cWell, do any among you love me as your BOB and master?\u201d<\/p>\n Someone threw a nun at him.\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s what the original text said.\u00a0 Probably has a different meaning in the ancient language of the Boble.\u00a0 Anyway, BOB decided that this town was not very nice.\u00a0 Of course, they were simply reacting as frightened children would and meant not what they did.\u00a0 But that’s New Testicle thinking…<\/p>\n Then the people of the town began to shout obscenities at BOB.\u00a0 It was clear that things were about to get worse.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay,\u201d BOB replied, the cloud rising out of the reach of projectiles. \u201cI can destroy the world you know.\u201d<\/p>\n There was silence for a moment, then the people began mocking BOB once again.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, really, I can!\u201d\u00a0 He hated it when this side of him was brought out, it was so terribly embarrassing. Thus it was that a rather agitated BOB returned to Bob Heavens (where there is provoked sausage).\u00a0 He sat up there for days asking moral questions about what he should do in retaliation.\u00a0 All of Bob Heavens (where there is no Jimmy Dean) stayed away from BOB during that period.<\/p>\n And for the lovely brunette, she was respectful of the host of angels.\u00a0 She kept to herself mostly, awaiting BOB to pass out of his black mood and pleasure her constantly. She\u2019d like that. She was thinking a lot about it. She was, in short, aching for BOB. But BOB locked himself away and sunk deeper into depression and anger…<\/p>\n ———–<\/p>\n Next week:\u00a0 Enter Nowaya.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Last time on \u201cThe Boble\u201d: BOB created Man, the Earth, sexy women, mosquitoes, black syphilis, West Nile Virus and\u2026 Well he was quite busy.\u00a0 Then Stick killed Unable.\u00a0 Then there was a bunch of sex and babies, but we skipped …<\/p>\n