In Sunday school, of course, Easter was always a hot topic. Something about a bunch of guys having an orgy in a room who are accidentally drugged and have a collective hallucination that acts as Event One for 2000 years of mass murder, rape, and extreme inhumanity.
\n<\/p>\n
What I loved is that the teachers had the Passion broken down hour by hour. On Good Friday, we could follow along with the timeline of Jesus\u2019 final hours. My mom, who had adopted the dubious label of \u201cborn again Catholic,\u201d absolutely loved this. Easter began on Thursday night (the Last Supper \u2013 6pm EST) and went through to Sunday. The hourly breakdown was drilled into me at home and at school in the weeks leading up to the Easter break. (Which may explain why, when I left Catholic school and went to public school in the 7th grade, I had never seen fractions before.) <\/p>\n
The timing is all rooted in the Bible, allegedly. For example, Friday starts out at 6am with Jesus before Pilate. This comes from John 18:28. They take Jesus from his less than happy meeting with Caiaphas to Pilate\u2019s HQ and \u201cBy now, it was early morning,\u201d so the Jews couldn\u2019t enter the Palace and we get our shouty scene with Pilate. <\/p>\n
John does get fairly specific about timing. Pilate does condemn Jesus to be crucified at \u201cabout noon.\u201d John is also where we find Pilate\u2019s powerful unanswered question. Probably the most important thing for Bible doubters to latch onto. Pilate asks \u201cWhat is truth?\u201d and Jesus shrugs off the question. Which is weird, because John\u2019s version of the trail shows a much more communicative Jesus, as opposed to the sulky bitch who just refuses to answer questions. In the other gospels, Pilate bends over backwards to save the poor bastard, but Jesus makes no reply except to act like an eight year old. <\/p>\n
\u201cAre you king of the Jews?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, whatever man. Fuck you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ugh\u2026 What a cunt.<\/p>\n
But John\u2019s Jesus goes into full on lawyer mode. He even calls Pilate out on the delicate political situation and Pilate\u2019s all like, OMG, yes! <\/p>\n
Jesus is even a bit more open about denying that he\u2019s a king. Instead of being sulky, he says he\u2019s only come into the world to testify to the truth. But, there, it falls apart. Pilate asks his question and Jesus doesn\u2019t answer. <\/p>\n
So, okay, you\u2019re only here for the truth but\u2026you don\u2019t know what that truth is? <\/p>\n
Now, my nun teachers said that it\u2019s up to us to understand the truth. But that\u2019s kind of stupid, I think. This isn\u2019t a fucking movie or a thriller novel, is it? If Jesus just answered Pilate, Pilate would have probably still freaked out and handed down a judgment. It\u2019s not like the story would end.<\/p>\n
In fact, if it were a movie, that would be a major plothole. Wait, wait! What about the trial scene? He never answered that question! <\/p>\n
Anyway\u2026back to the timeline. So, 6am Friday. Mom would wake me up and we would read through the sections of the Bible related to each part of the passion. Jesus before Pilate, then being sent to Herod. At 7am he\u2019s returned to Pilate and sentenced to death (except for John who puts this at noon). At 8am, Jesus is led off to Calvary where he really acts like a bitch and keeps dropping the cross and gets one final tryst with a prostitute. Or, at least, her cloak. My sweat, your blouse, now! Oh, yeah\u2026that\u2019s the stuff. <\/p>\n
9am, Jesus is crucified. This comes from Mark \u2013 \u201cThe third hour.\u201d We were taught that \u201cin Jewish time,\u201d the \u201cthird hour\u201d was 9am. Eastern Standard, I guess.<\/p>\n
Jesus then fucking lingers all morning. Lots are cast, soldierly mocking, he chats amiably with John and Mary and the two thieves, then, at noon, the \u201csixth hour\u201d (Mark, again), things start to get freaky. Darkness over the land, Jesus starts to cry out like a loon, and then calmly asks for a drink. We\u2019re to be horrified that the soldiers first offer him vinegar and myrrh and some shit. We\u2019re not told in Sunday school that the soldiers were actually trying to help him and, if he wasn\u2019t such a bitch and sucked some of that down, he would have tranced out and felt no pain. <\/p>\n
Then \u2013 insult to injury \u2013 they give him bad wine. Which was also somewhat humanitarian, all things considered, but the nuns and mom were all like, how dare they! They should have offered him a fine Beaujolais! But noooo\u2026<\/p>\n
Then he kicks it. The \u201cninth hour.\u201d <\/p>\n
PS: Yes, that means I sat there for nine fucking hours going over this fucking gloomy shit on a perfectly fine holiday Friday year after motherfucking year.<\/p>\n
Not that I\u2019m bitter\u2026<\/p>\n
Thankfully, the Jews have their thing on the weekend so, come sunset on Friday, I get to enjoy the holiday. Extra TV time, I get my daily can of Coke, I play in the yard. On Saturday I ignore the squabbling family and play with my Legos. Then \u2013 boom! Easter Sunday, and we\u2019re back to meditating on the resurrection and what it means. We drag ass to church at the crack of dawn then, at home, I spend the day sneaking jelly beans while the rest of the fucking New Testament is read to me and I\u2019m thinking, man, all this for someone who is clearly a pansy-ass ninny? Even as a kid, I sat there wondering what the big deal was. Here\u2019s this guy wandering around crying \u2013 we would call him emo today \u2013 and hanging out with hookers and not very likable guys. You really don\u2019t get a fix on any of the apostles, except that they\u2019re all shifty fucks out to save their own skin when the chips are down and, when things are good, are a bunch of willfully ignorant yes-men. <\/p>\n
The only character I ever identified with was poor Pilate. In every gospel, he really tries to save Jesus. He hates the whole ordeal. You even get his wife popping up in one or two gospels, and she acts almost as a chorus, speaking for the audience. Don\u2019t get involved! This shit\u2019s fucked up!<\/p>\n
The nuns and mom all despised Pilate and painted him as evil. I was taught that he ultimately died \u201cpissing worms because he was responsible for the death of Christ.\u201d But\u2026no. The situation is very clear. He\u2019s in a bad spot, and has no choice.<\/p>\n
Ah, well. But what do I know? Certainly not the truth.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In Sunday school, of course, Easter was always a hot topic. Something about a bunch of guys having an orgy in a room who are accidentally drugged and have a collective hallucination that acts as Event One for 2000 years …<\/p>\n