<\/p>\n
Chapter Two
\n\u201cSedate Mother\u201d<\/p>\n
Dad was in the garage with his heavy metal band again.\u00a0 Stick and Unable, the children in question at the end of the last chapter, shared a secret smile as they turned up the TV.<\/p>\n
This was life after the Garden.\u00a0 Candi and Dick had moved into an expansive cave outside a major metropolitan city.\u00a0 Every day, Dick would commute to his cushy desk job at the Amalgamated Wireless Frames Company.\u00a0 The angels of Bob Heavens (where there is sausage located in subsection C of warehouse 42, please fill out requisition order 567 stroke B) had pulled a few strings to get Dick working again.\u00a0 To be honest, all those in Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage) felt a little guilty about what had happened.\u00a0 After all, if the Sacred Tree was such an awful thing, why had BOB put it in the middle of the garden?\u00a0 In a recent interview with Dave Newcomer\u2019s zine, \u201cDark Age Press,\u201d BOB tried to address some of these questions:<\/p>\n
* * * *<\/p>\n
Newcomer:\u00a0 Hello BOB, welcome to Dark Age Press, a literary zine for alternative culture \u2013<\/em><\/p>\n
BOB:\u00a0 Yeah, yeah.<\/em><\/p>\n
Newcomer:\u00a0 Um\u2026 So one of the great questions concerns the Sacred Tree of Eternal Hemorrhaging.\u00a0 Maybe you can explain a little of that?<\/em><\/p>\n
BOB:\u00a0 Like what?\u00a0 It\u2019s a tree, it grows up.\u00a0 What do you want here?<\/em><\/p>\n
Newcomer:\u00a0 Well, why the temptation in the first place?<\/em><\/p>\n
BOB:\u00a0 I wanted to see if those fuckers would do it!\u00a0 It\u2019s disgusting how even my creations disobey me!\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n
Newcomer:\u00a0 That\u2019s why you put the tree there?\u00a0 Because you feel betrayed by everyone?<\/em><\/p>\n
BOB:\u00a0 No, I\u2019m just trying to be indignant.\u00a0 To tell the truth, I didn\u2019t realize the Tree would be that bad.\u00a0 I mean, I had the idea:\u00a0 Ultimate knowledge of good and evil bound into a pear\u2026right?\u00a0 So I had that idea, and then, well, I didn\u2019t think anyone would actually go for it.\u00a0 It\u2019s like leaving a dollar on the hood of your car and finding it there at the end of the day.\u00a0 You ever hear about that?\u00a0 That works, you know. <\/em><\/p>\n
Newcomer:\u00a0 So you didn\u2019t expect False Rob to tempt the First Woman to eat the pear?<\/em><\/p>\n
BOB:\u00a0 I try not to pay attention to what Rob does.\u00a0 I mean\u2026 Look, I\u2019m just not associated with him, okay?\u00a0 I don\u2019t care what he says about Homeroom.\u00a0 I was never his friend.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
* * * *<\/p>\n
On the weekends, Dick got together with his heavy metal buddies and pounded out some serious garage music.\u00a0 Want an example?\u00a0 Oh, baby, it\u2019s in the original text!\u00a0 We have to translate it!\u00a0 MP3 version coming out soon!<\/p>\n
\u201cEnter the Serpent\u201d by Dick<\/p>\n
Enter the Serpent
\nDon\u2019t eat the fruit of this one tree
\nfor if you do
\nyou\u2019ll surely be
\naware of all that\u2019s good and EVIL
\nenter the serpent\u2026<\/em><\/p>\nWell, it goes on a bit.\u00a0 That was their only song, actually. The drummer had a song \u2013 \u201cWhy I like Daisies (thrashcore version)\u201d, but Dick insisted on \u201cEnter the Serpent\u201d night after night.\u00a0 He was a little obsessed.<\/p>\n
Before band practice, Dick would come home and fight with Candi.\u00a0 In her later years, Candi had become a \u201cpseudo-lesbian\u201d.\u00a0 Stick and Unable tried to steer clear of them if it was possible.<\/p>\n
Dinner was the worst time for the two boys.\u00a0 They would sit and listen as the nightly argument slowly grew into a heated shouting match.\u00a0 The last night things were ever normal was on October 30, 3984 BC.<\/p>\n
Dick came home and sat down to a pot roast dinner, picking idly at his mashed potatoes while Candi served up the meal for her husband and the two boys, a dead cigar hanging out of her mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 Dick asked, \u201cNo pears for dinner tonight?\u201d\u00a0 He grinned and winked at Stick.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t start\u2026\u201d Candi muttered.<\/p>\n
Dick turned to Unable, who was staring down at his plate, \u201cI should have called you Sly the Snake, boy.\u201d He pointed a finger at his son, then turned to Candi.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you think, Sweetie.\u00a0 Name this one Sly the Snake?\u201d<\/p>\n
Candi sat down and shoved a fork into her slice of pot roast, \u201cI\u2019m really tired, Dick.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a long day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot enough room for another dick in your day?\u201d Dick asked cheerfully.<\/p>\n
Stick and Unable stared incredulously at each other.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d\u00a0 Dick said.\u00a0 \u201cI know how it is\u2026. \u2018And Woman saw that it was so desirable,\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Dick stressed the \u2018so\u2019, stretching the word out for five extra syllables.\u00a0 \u201cLittle miss be like BOB and have knowledge.\u00a0 Little miss cover up her body.\u00a0 Little miss hide from BOB!\u201d<\/p>\n
Candi ground her teeth and glared at Dick, \u201cI hate you so much\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Dick was on a roll, though. \u201cLittle miss \u2018Hey BOB, why not pass this off as hereditary sin and let us go?\u2019, little miss \u2018I\u2019m so sorry, O BOB, I don\u2019t want immortality, how about we just leave the Garden and call it even?\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 Dick pushed his plate away and stood up.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right, you bitch,\u201d Candi rose as well, \u201cHow was I supposed to know?\u201d\u00a0 She waved her arms in the air and stumbled around the room, \u201cWe\u2019re na\u00efve and innocent,\u201d she jumped up onto the chair, \u201cThen old BOB says, \u2018So, you simple-minded folk, I\u2019m going to put a constantly flowering tree right in the middle of your home.\u00a0 But don\u2019t touch it, okay?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Candi made a series of monkey noises, rolling her eyes and rubbing her head.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t you be disrespecting BOB in front of the boys.\u201d Dick shouted.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, yeah\u2026\u201d Candie sat back down, \u201cI\u2019ll respect the bastard from now on.\u00a0 Next he\u2019ll probably let the Germans have a charismatic ruler during an economic downturn.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe would never allow such a thing!\u201d\u00a0 Dick shouted.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight.\u00a0 I\u2019ll owe you a coke if he doesn\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0 Candi stuffed some mashed potatoes in her mouth.<\/p>\n
After dinner, Stick and Unable were free to play in the fields.\u00a0 They usually liked to lure the high school girls from the Land of Brood over to their camp.\u00a0 The Brood girls were all die-hard pagans, which meant they were sexually liberal.\u00a0 Ever since the whole Sacred Tree incident, BOB had laid down strict orders that sex was taboo.\u00a0 The Great Deity had been working overtime to create a sexual stigma, focusing his efforts on the female elements of the family (Candi, Aunt Jackie and Cousin Smithie the Pestilent).\u00a0 It had taken years, but BOB had managed to create a sense of \u201cchastity\u201d in the minds of his female creations.\u00a0 On April Fools, 3992 BC, BOB had decided to make his male creations promiscuous yet hateful of women who weren\u2019t virgins.\u00a0 There was a brief explanation on the records that read:\u00a0 \u201cHah!\u201d<\/p>\n
Stick and Unable dodged all of this by hanging with the witches.\u00a0 On this night, the Night of murder, et cetera, the two brothers had set up a 3980\u2019s Dance Party.\u00a0 They played the old hit \u201cWalk Like a Sumerian\u201d along with \u201cWhen Doves Where the Only Food for my People\u201d by the Sumerian King Formerly Known as Hig.\u00a0 The witches were digging it, dancing the night away and tearing off as much of their clothes as they desired.<\/p>\n
There was a redheaded young witch all over Unable.\u00a0 When Stick saw this, he grew angry and jealous.\u00a0 Unable, who always appeared to be gay when you first met him, suckered the women into his bed again and again.<\/p>\n
At about 10pm, on this momentous night of destruction, Stick went unto Unable and challenged his brother to a duel for the redheaded witch.<\/p>\n
Unable, enjoying the party, laughed and grabbed his brothers\u2019 hands, \u201cMy dear Stick, me thinks you are a little overmedicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
The witches giggled and then started dancing together.\u00a0 No doubt the younger brother would sleep with three women, again, tonight.\u00a0 Stick clenched his fists, for he knew that if Unable slept with three women BOB would be pleased.\u00a0 There was only one solution\u2026 It came to Stick as he watched his younger brother dancing with the heathens.\u00a0 He would make the ultimate sacrifice to BOB: The beauty and the power of Unable.<\/p>\n
Stick dropped into the shadows then fled the room, the plans for\u00a0 the murder of his brother filling his mind.<\/p>\n
At nearly midnight, Unable came looking for Stick.\u00a0 The girls were ready to go to a hotel or\u2026well, anywhere, really.\u00a0 Unable caught up with Stick at the Old Fence separating the Garden from the World.<\/p>\n
\u201cBrother!\u201d\u00a0 Unable shouted, clasping Stick by the shoulders, \u201cThose bitches are hot, man.\u00a0 Let\u2019s go teach them what it means to love BOB!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve lined them all up, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n
Unable, sensing something in Stick\u2019s voice, released his brother and stepped away.\u00a0 \u201cWell, they\u2019re taking off their clothes as we speak\u2026 I think we don\u2019t have a choice but to act.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey aren\u2019t virgins.\u201d Stick muttered.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, brother,\u201d Unable replied carefully, \u201cThat\u2019s\u2026why we\u2019re with them.\u201d He made a funny face, then grinned.\u00a0 \u201cWould you like a virgin?\u201d\u00a0 he shook his hands, \u201cSticky fumblings in the dark, lying like a log on the couch, not making any noise except to say it hurts?\u00a0 No, I don\u2019t think so.\u00a0 You want a redheaded muffin of pepperminty goodness to climb on top of you and treat you like a bad boy.\u201d Unable watched his brother carefully,\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWork with me here.\u00a0 I have our best interests in mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always get the good time, brother!\u201d\u00a0 Stick shouted.<\/p>\n
Unable stepped back a little further, raising his arms in fear and surprise.<\/p>\n
Stick strode forward, \u201cBOB loves you better because you always get the good time!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n
Unable, now genuinely concerned, tried to smile and shrug this off.\u00a0 \u201cI say, brother, the last time Mom and Dad heard from BOB was that postcard three years ago.\u00a0\u00a0 I don\u2019t think anybody\u2019s competing around here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Stick reached down and picked up a stone.\u00a0 He stepped towards his younger brother and raised the stone high.\u00a0 Before Unable could react, Stick brought the stone down as hard as he could.\u00a0 There was a moment of purest white. Then Stick was looking down at his younger brother.\u00a0 The bronzed body was curled on the ground, blood flowing from a wound on his blonde head.\u00a0 Unable was dead.<\/p>\n
Stick numbly walked back to the cave and stepped in, collapsing against the front door.\u00a0 Dick and Candi were still awake, watching a video.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey big guy,\u201d Dick said, \u201cWhere\u2019s your brother?\u201d<\/p>\n
Stick had to think fast, \u201cI\u2026 There was this huge dragon, and then this man with a\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Dick muted the television and turned around to face Stick, \u201cWhere\u2019s your brother,\u201d he asked sternly.<\/p>\n
Stick was silent.\u00a0 Then he fell to his knees and began to weep.\u00a0 The boy confessed to all his sins.<\/p>\n
Ten minutes later, Candi, who was still watching the silent television, said through her cigar, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t I surprised?”<\/p>\n
* * * *<\/p>\n
Stick was banished to the Land of Cannons (a theme park in the Lake District). He hung with some of the Brood girls, eventually taking a redheaded wife and working as a freelance writer for a health magazine.<\/p>\n
Now, there is a question that we translators always asked in Religious Studies class: \u2018Where\u2019d all those other people come from?\u2019\u00a0 Well, we can now provide an answer.<\/p>\n
In a recent interview with New Republic, BOB mentioned that he had actually created a number of other people and had neglected to check in on them.\u00a0 So, \u201cin all feasibility, [Stick] would be able to locate and seek sexual favors from any number of exciting redheaded children created at some earlier date…\u201d However, a majority of Bobists and Bobologians believe Stick practiced animal husbandry.\u00a0 \u201cThose little Spider Monkey’s are surprising\u00adly agile,\u201d BOB later said on that topic.<\/p>\n
Back at home, Candi and Dick decided to try again.\u00a0 They had another son, Walter.\u00a0 On his 17th birthday, Walter discovered that he was more comfortable as a woman.\u00a0 He put on Candi\u2019s wedding dress and called himself \u201cBeth\u201d.\u00a0 This was the Lineage of Dick.<\/p>\n
* * * *<\/p>\n
So begins the begetting part of the story.\u00a0 It should be noted that begetting is done every day. The begetting begins here and continues through to the very end.\u00a0 The names change, but the theme remains the same: man meets woman, man overpowers woman, man dominates woman throughout long and tedious relationship. Throughout the story, the long lists of names have, mostly, been omitted.\u00a0 To give the reader an idea of the monotony of these early cases of spawning, the following has been included:
\n\u201cBeth\u201d begot Jeff
\nJeff begot Tom
\nTom begot Tom Jr.
\nTom Jr. begot Tom III
\nTom III begot Tom IV
\nTom IV begot Tom V
\nTom V begot a lot of other people named Tom until one of them begot Mandy, who, in turn, begot a Large Mongol\u00adoid, who, then, begot Nowaya\u2026<\/p>\nNext week on \u201cThe Boble\u201d:<\/em><\/p>\n
You wanted a lot of rain?\u00a0 You got it, Bitch!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=238"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1022,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions\/1022"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}