{"id":237,"date":"2008-10-22T08:03:21","date_gmt":"2008-10-22T13:03:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=237"},"modified":"2018-10-31T09:32:47","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T13:32:47","slug":"the-boble-ii-dick-and-candi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=237","title":{"rendered":"The Boble II: Dick and Candi"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here we meet the Evil Bishop, who was the vice principal at my high school.\u00a0 Blue and gold were our team colors. \u00a0 False Rob is also mentioned for the first time — the Devil in The Boble. <\/em><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Last Week on \u201cThe Boble\u201d:<\/p>\n

BOB created the universe and Man.\u00a0 He charged man with the task of naming the plants and the beasts of Paradise.\u00a0 And all this before Buffy, The Vampire Slayer<\/em> came on!<\/p>\n

After a brief sexual interlude, Man set to naming the plants and beasts of Paradise.\u00a0 Meanwhile, the last Battlestar, Galactica, led a\u2026 Hold on.\u00a0 That\u2019s all wrong.\u00a0 Ah yes, here it is \u2013<\/p>\n

==========================<\/p>\n

Man’s List
\nScientifically researched by Man<\/em><\/p>\n

Things that do not move:<\/em><\/p>\n

1) Trees
\n2) Green Things
\n3) Prickly Things (see entry on Green Things)
\n4) Little Things (apparently left by the trees – come back to this connection.\u00a0 Could have something to do with little elves that tried to attack me after I drank that stagnant water.)
\n5) Black Stuff Everything Grows In
\n6) Hard Things (apparently sedimentary deposits, with some metamorphic and volcanic veins found in the mountains above the garden.\u00a0 I’ve yet to find a suitable name.)<\/em><\/p>\n

Things That Do Move<\/em><\/p>\n

1) Me (bad start, but a philosophical point must be made!\u00a0 I move, therefore I am).
\n2) Things in Sky
\n3) Things With Large Teeth (some ran away and others put up a fight.\u00a0 It seemed the proper thing that I hunt as many down as I could and bash in their brains.)
\n4) Angry Growling Thing (after the hunt, I was approached by a different species who fancied a bit of revenge)
\n5) Happy Fuzzy Thing (I spared the life of this creature as it was friendly, and damn cute)
\n6) \u201cCrawlies\u201d
\n7) Loud Irritable Thing (well, this one wasn’t loud until I trapped it and put it in a cage).
\n<\/em>
\nMan completed his list and then spent the next few days naming different parts of water.\u00a0 The entries were bland, at best, as water’s single-most definition is \u2018wet\u2019.\u00a0 However, the final entry on Man’s report concerning water is what interested the technical angels looking over him the most.\u00a0 It read: \u201cBlue, wet part with shimmering naked crazy chick waving back at me.\u201d\u00a0 The always-alert technical angels rushed Man’s report to BOB.\u00a0 They were not only concerned about Man\u2019s mental well being, but also for his safety.\u00a0 Occasional delusions were not uncommon in the world of BOB, as the Great God himself was often prone to dementia.\u00a0 But if one saw naked women beckoning one into the deep end of the pool, well, something would just have to be done!<\/p>\n

When given this information, BOB suspected that Man might be growing bored, as well as slightly obsessive.\u00a0 But what to do?\u00a0 It took three bottles of Cabernet, four pints of McEwans, and two tumblers of whiskey before BOB came upon a brilliant idea \u2013 Woman!\u00a0 BOB then slipped into the garden under darkness and hit Man over the head.\u00a0 With Man conveniently unconscious, BOB liberated a dishpan from some unknown source and placed it on the ground. He undid his zipper and let loose his all mighty love instrument, then he urinated upon the dishpan.\u00a0 Thus, Woman was born!<\/p>\n

\u201cYour name is Candi,\u201d BOB said unto Woman.\u00a0 \u201cDo nifty things and make Man feel good.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about me<\/em>?\u201d Candi asked.<\/p>\n

BOB paused, glanced sideways at Candi, and asked \u201cWhat about you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat makes me feel good, O Creator?\u201d<\/p>\n

BOB smiled, \u201cYou won\u2019t have to worry about that for thousands of years.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candi grinned sheepishly, \u201cWell, that\u2019s a relief\u2026right?\u00a0 I\u2026I\u2019m not\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo more questions!\u201d\u00a0 BOB snapped his fingers and looked away, his arms raised in the air.\u00a0 \u201cGotta go!\u201d<\/p>\n

And with that, BOB left.<\/p>\n

In the days that followed, Candi and Man – who became known as Dick – enjoyed yoghurt baths and had 492 children (not all at once, of course, and Candi was the only one who actually had<\/em> them).<\/p>\n

Then, one day, Candi was walking across the garden when she found herself standing before the Tree of Eternal Hemorrhaging.\u00a0 She looked up and beheld a great serpent with colors of blue and gold. The shimmering beauty of this serpent entranced her.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, babe!\u201d cried out the serpent.\u00a0 \u201cI’m the Evil Bishop!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI get that one all the time,\u201d Candi replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d the serpent hissed, \u201cThe Evil Bishop.\u00a0 You’ve heard of me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candi thought a moment, searching her pretty little red head for information.\u00a0 \u201cSorry, O Serpent, I don’t know you from Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d the serpent asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot so loud,\u201d Candi muttered out of the side of her mouth, glancing nervously back at the camp she and Dick had set up.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, the bloke down the street.\u201d the serpent grinned.<\/p>\n

Candi nodded.\u00a0 \u201cEverything has to be a competition between these men.\u00a0 Bigger gardens, better tools, more sacred Sacred Trees.\u00a0 It’s a joke.\u00a0 What’s a tempestuous and strikingly beautiful redheaded model of a woman like myself to do but fuck everybody in the neighborhood?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd does that make you feel good?\u201d the serpent asked.<\/p>\n

Candi gasped, \u201cThere it is again!\u00a0 No, it doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 Nothing makes me feel good.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that weird?\u201d<\/p>\n

The serpent thought for a moment.\u00a0 \u201cWell, no.\u00a0 Not really.\u00a0 But maybe you\u2019d be happier if you were a bit more, well, chaste.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh sure,\u201d Candi rolled her eyes, \u201cWhatever.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Evil Bishop cocked his triangular head, \u201cYou come off as a vain bitch.\u00a0 You don’t think that\u2019s a terrible thing?\u201d<\/p>\n

Candi shrugged, \u201c\u2019Sticks and stones\u2019 little snake.\u00a0 At least I have a spine.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Evil Bishop flicked its tongue out once then spoke again.\u00a0 \u201cWell, regardless of your personality, I’m still here to see you.\u00a0 You see, I’m the servant of False Rob, the Eternal Freshman.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFreshman?\u201d Candi asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d the Evil Bishop replied, \u201conce a great angel, he was cast out of Bob Heavens – where there is not egalitarian sausage – and doomed to live his immortal existence as a High School Freshman.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds awful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is.\u00a0 Anyway, in the process, False Rob decided to become the AntiBOB.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo he’s evil?\u201d<\/p>\n

The serpent cocked its head, \u201cNow that’s a matter of opinion, I should think.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you’re not actually this False Rob, then?\u201d Candi asked timidly.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I’ve\u2026 said that already.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo are you another fallen angel?\u201d<\/p>\n

The Evil Bishop laughed, \u201cOh no, no.\u00a0 Not me.\u00a0 I’m just a school administrator.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, then, that you want, O puppet-demon of the worthless High School Freshman?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTo tempt you into oblivion.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candi cleared her throat. \u201cPardon?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, did I say that out loud?\u00a0 What I meant to say, in my own little way, is that I want you to try something for me.\u201d\u00a0 The serpent looked Candi up and down, \u201cBut first, maybe we should get to know each other a little better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI spread for no snake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll never believe what these scales can do\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCut to the chase!\u201d<\/p>\n

The Evil Bishop laughed. \u201cFine, forget about all the sex stuff then.\u00a0 Though being the servant of a Freshman does involve a definite lack of sex\u2026\u00a0 Perhaps if I didn’t look like I needed it so much…if I wasn’t so desperate,\u201d the serpent turned away sadly, \u201cI am an idiot aren’t I?\u00a0 And idiots don’t need sex, Candi.\u00a0 Unless they drive a fancy car and have lots of muscles,\u201d he turned quickly towards Candi.\u00a0 \u201cBut where are guys like that after they turn 30?\u00a0 Fat!\u00a0 Bloated monsters with illegitimate kids, a Trans-Am with a burnt out clutch and an addiction to Tylenol-3!\u00a0 Oh no… I don’t even want to think about sex!\u00a0 What I really want is for you to eat this pear…\u201d Hiss.<\/p>\n

Candi raised an eyebrow and examined the pear.\u00a0 \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTaste test.\u201d\u00a0 If snakes could smile, the Evil Bishop would have done so.<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSurvey for a popular newspaper…?\u201d\u00a0 the serpent said with his best salesman voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell…\u201d Candi examined the fruit. \u201cIt wouldn’t happen to be from the Sacred Tree, would it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSacred Tree?\u201d The Evil Bishop looked around in mock confu\u00adsion.\u00a0 \u201cJust because I’m twisted around the Sacred Tree with all this fruit, you assume this pear is from the Tree?\u00a0 I expected more than loose stereotyping from you.\u00a0 Come on babe!\u00a0 Try it out… It’ll make you feel good, hmm?\u00a0 First one’s free…share it with your friends…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut BOB said – \u201c<\/p>\n

The Evil Bishop laughed. \u201cDo you see BOB here?\u00a0 No!\u00a0 He’s up in Blob Heartburn sucking on sausages!\u201d\u00a0 The Bishop glanced around nervously as a few bolts of lightning lit up the sky.\u00a0 \u201cAnyway, don’t you have free choice?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell…only if we eat from the Sacred Tree.\u00a0 Free choice is our punishment \u2013 loss of innocence, knowledge of evil\u2026that sort of stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Evil Bishop thought on this a moment, \u201cBut you can freely choose whether or not to eat from the Tree?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026you already have free choice?\u00a0 Right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Candi bit her thumb, then nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you know the tree is Evil?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh-huh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you already have knowledge of Evil?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

The Evil Bishop nodded, \u201cThen I see no choice but for you to take this pear and eat it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell…I guess you have a point there.\u201d\u00a0 Candi grabbed the pear and took a bite, \u201cMmmm!!\u201d\u00a0 Her full, pert lips made the Evil Bishop shudder.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, in a puff of naive smoke, Candi found herself garbed in a leather and rubber outfit.\u00a0 In her hand was a whip, and beside her lay a collection of sexual instruments that would make even the most demented Freshman cringe (or quiver with excitement).<\/p>\n

Thus it was Woman who first defiled the world.\u00a0 It was Woman that first created sin, which explains why women are cursed with their \u2018little problems\u2019 and men are free to be completely irresponsible.\u00a0 Evil, vile, terrible…and yet amazingly attractive Woman went unto Dick and said:<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Dick…\u201d she stressed his name in a way the Dickman had never heard before.\u00a0 But he understood.<\/p>\n

Dick stopped in his tracks (he was collecting rocks with the idea of building an outdoor fireplace) and took in the lovely image before him. He stared at the remarkably transformed Candi. \u201cYou gone lesbian or something?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

She smiled, then pursed her lips and winked.\u00a0 \u201cDickman, I think I\u2019ve been naughty.\u00a0 I think I need a spanking.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dick dropped the rocks he had been holding, sweat breaking out all over his body as he took in the skin, leather, rubber and chains of the New Candi. \u201cBOBdamn, bitch, I\u2019ll spank you all night\u2026\u201d he took a step forward, but she stopped him with her whip.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you really want me?\u201d Candi purred.<\/p>\n

The Dickman smiled, enjoying this little game.\u00a0 He leaned in as close as Candi would let him \u201cI want to do you so hard that your grandmother has an orgasm.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candi grew red with rage at the mention of her enfeebled grandmother (whom Dick had molested once before) and balled up her delicate fist.<\/p>\n

Dick, seeing the immediate danger, was quick to stand up and confront her, \u201cLook you red-headed psycho-bitch!\u00a0 What the-\u201d<\/p>\n

Candi lunged at Dick.\u00a0 In a marvelous fight that Arabian countries would never witness, Candi attacked and sup\u00adpressed Dick, and then she had her wicked ways with him.<\/p>\n

(Unidentified pilot, you are in a no-fly zone, baby.)<\/p>\n

Dick cried \u2018rape\u2019, but that hardly matters when a guy says it.\u00a0 Oh no.\u00a0 It was too late anyway – he couldn’t yell for long because his face was soon buried in the red heaven of Candi’s sweet, peppermint-flavored \u2013<\/p>\n

(Pornography?\u00a0 In the holy book of BOB? Surrender your tank!)<\/p>\n

And so Woman corrupted Man with her perverse, yet somehow intoxicating, sexual deeds.\u00a0 Thus BOB decided to banish them from the garden and force them to live in a cave and work for the government.\u00a0 And BOB also disconnected their cable, so great was his wrath!<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, cable’s outmoded anyway.\u201d BOB said in a recent interview.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, the whole she-bang’s gonna be replaced by satellite and fiber-optics and crap like that in five years so why worry?\u00a0 Besides, I gave them a membership to the local video store.\u00a0 How could I deny that sweet little red-headed bitch?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut cable TV was the only thing that kept them sane, O BOB.\u201d The interviewer pointed out.<\/em><\/p>\n

BOB replied very simply.\u00a0 \u201cCable can suck me. He was a dweeb and she was a hose hound, they didn\u2019t deserve it.\u00a0 Besides, who did the creating, huh?\u00a0 Yeah\u2026I thought so.\u201d
\n<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In the end, of course, Candi noticed that Dick could supply mild pleasure every once in a while and it wasn’t long before they ended up with two kids who were destined for the psych\u00adiatrist’s office…
\n——————————————————————————————-<\/p>\n

For those of you who do like pornography, Candi’s sweet, peppermint flavored Holy Land was a haven to many engorged love pistons in her time.\u00a0 She was pumped and blasted and speckled like the wall behind the coffee machine.\u00a0 She achieved her peppermint goodness by eating a large quantity of peppermint chocolate at the office… But, often, she would find herself in the middle of a snack when one of the janitors would come up from behind and bend her over the counter.\u00a0 He would lift up her flimsy summer dress with the hook that had replaced his left hand after the war, then he would dork Candi into moaning oblivion.\u00a0 Finally, the janitor would loose his club-like manservant upon Candi’s sweet tunnel of Jell-O, and he would plow her fields so deep\u00a0 that it’s a wonder he didn’t interfere with her digestive process!\u00a0 After two hours of kidney-shifting action in the tearoom, Candi would burst in a violent, screaming epiphany!\u00a0 The janitor, himself about to realize the shape of the universe, would pull out and let fly an incredible stream of creative fluids across Candi\u2019s anxious face.\u00a0 Then the nameless janitor, who had a patch riveted over his right eye, would leave the thoroughly spent Candi panting on the tearoom floor.
\nThere.\u00a0 I think I found a new talent.<\/em><\/p>\n

Fleeing the Cylon tyranny\u2026 Wait, I did it again.\u00a0 Here we go: Next time on \u201cThe Boble\u201d: Brotherly Love, Questionable Pursuits, and a whole lot of begetting<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here we meet the Evil Bishop, who was the vice principal at my high school.\u00a0 Blue and gold were our team colors. \u00a0 False Rob is also mentioned for the first time — the Devil in The Boble.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[115,150],"class_list":["post-237","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-boblehub-20","tag-boble","tag-old-testicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=237"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1028,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/237\/revisions\/1028"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=237"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=237"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=237"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}