{"id":231,"date":"2008-10-03T09:09:28","date_gmt":"2008-10-03T14:09:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=231"},"modified":"2018-10-31T09:43:17","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T13:43:17","slug":"president-nacho","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=231","title":{"rendered":"President Nacho"},"content":{"rendered":"

I sometimes tell people I\u2019m a political junkie.\u00a0 But I think I might be lying because, really, politics bores me.<\/p>\n


\nTo be fair, though, I don\u2019t think I would have been bored with American politics before 1976.\u00a0 Back then, things were wild and unpredictable.\u00a0 But the post-Nixon era saw the homogenization of both parties, and strict control over events.\u00a0 No more will we see people run wild outside of the convention centers.\u00a0 No longer will candidates break down in tears during a speech, or have weird public meltdowns.\u00a0 No longer is anyone exciting enough to get shot.<\/p>\n

Even throwing a black man up is boring because, Jesus, he\u2019s the same fucking thing, isn\u2019t he?\u00a0 The multi-headed hydra of American Political Blandness, be it white, black, or shrew.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We\u2019re down to the subtle differences \u2013 the least of evils.\u00a0 All the wild people \u2013 the worthy ones who would buck the system \u2013 have been squeezed out.\u00a0 They can\u2019t get the money, and the Parties won\u2019t support them.\u00a0 We had a blip with Perot, who had enough money to ignore everyone, and there was plenty of sideshow antics there, but it still wasn\u2019t exciting because he was a gnomish businessman who pushed a single goal.<\/p>\n

If I had enough money to successfully launch an independent presidential campaign, I\u2019d be off the level.\u00a0 I\u2019d be throwing empty vodka bottles at people, pulling pretty women out of the audience, driving my car on the sidewalk and screaming at people.\u00a0 I\u2019d knock over podiums and wildly insult all the other candidates\u2026 And you\u2019d have to put up with me.\u00a0 I\u2019d pay tens of millions for 30 second Superbowl spots.\u00a0 \u201cVote Nacho: He Can Drink Putin Under the Table!\u00a0 What\u2019s with that crazy Red bastard, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019d buy my way into the debates.\u00a0 If they try to bar me, I\u2019ll buy the place hosting the debate.\u00a0 Then I\u2019d just tear into people.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you, you crazy, old, useless fossil.\u00a0 Maybe you\u2019ll get the Pterosaur vote!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you, you shrewish horror.\u00a0 Just shut up.\u00a0 You can take the girl out of Arkansas, but you can\u2019t take the redneck shitheel conservative cunt out of the girl!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd now on to my Nubian brother\u2026 What would George Jefferson think about you, eh?\u00a0 Oreo, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you!\u00a0 The Smiler!\u201d\u00a0 Oh, I would save Edwards for last\u2026<\/p>\n

I want about 100 billion dollars.\u00a0 Because then I\u2019ll be able to sleep with and impregnate Bristol Palin!\u00a0 Well, actually, I could probably do that with a six pack of Zima.<\/p>\n

See?\u00a0 You all would vote for me.\u00a0 Then, in the White House, things would change.\u00a0 Alternative energy, for one.\u00a0 Dump tons of money into that shit and free us of oil.\u00a0 I guess I\u2019d have to dissolve Congress.\u00a0 I\u2019d work on that.\u00a0 It should be easy, because I\u2019ll recall the troops and I\u2019ll turn the Palin girls into whores.\u00a0 And the Edwards girls.\u00a0 And Chelsea.\u00a0 All of them.\u00a0 All of the fucking shit-eating, shiny, happy political daughters of America will be rounded up and put in a brothel, and the New Nacho Army will all have free access.\u00a0 Side with me for guns, money, and silver spoon pussy.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ll march on Congress and round them up.\u00a0 We\u2019ll whore their daughters and swing their infant sons against the pillars.<\/p>\n

Then, free of oil, we\u2019ll pull all support out of the Mideast.\u00a0 Let the Jews and the Arabs eat themselves.\u00a0 Let the wealthy oil nations fall into tribal despair.\u00a0 They\u2019ll be laying out skins to dry on the unfinished floors of Burj Dubai.<\/p>\n

All missiles will turn on Putin.\u00a0 Want us to price you out of the game again, motherfucker?\u00a0 No problem.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ll stop importing everything from China.\u00a0 Every child\u2019s trinket, every toaster, every pair of shoes.\u00a0 Let the brown people down south make it for us.\u00a0 When Castro drops, Cuba will be our playground again.\u00a0 And Chavez?\u00a0 I\u2019ll handpick crazy black trenchcoat wearing motherfuckers from troubled highschools around the country to fly down there with Samurai swords.\u00a0 Let them die.\u00a0 Those retards are expendable.<\/p>\n

At home, it\u2019ll be all about education.\u00a0 Get a group of unemployed PhD\u2019s together and you have the Nazi party!\u00a0 Except Jews won\u2019t be my sticking point.\u00a0 We\u2019ll round up the Mormons, the evangelicals, the cults.\u00a0 We\u2019ll take down Scientology.\u00a0 First they came for Xenu, and I did nothing.\u00a0 Then they came for me!<\/p>\n

All of the religious nutjobs will be put in forced labor camps.\u00a0 I won\u2019t kill them\u2026 I\u2019ll turn them into cheap labor.\u00a0 Coffee machines, sneakers, DVD players.\u00a0 There\u2019ll be a work-release program where they perform janitorial duties for free, watched over by hard cons and harder cops.\u00a0 Plunging out the toilet, boss!\u00a0 Cleaning up the roadkill, boss!<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll institute World War II-era recycling plans.\u00a0 You can\u2019t get a new tube of toothpaste unless you turn in the old one.\u00a0 Everything is recycled and composted.\u00a0 Including the discarded bodies of Religious Work Camp laborers.\u00a0 Right on the heap with the coffee grounds and orange peels.\u00a0 Turn, turn, turn, then spread over your carrots.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, the Nacho Army will be outfitted like Lord Humongous\u2019 forces in The Road Warrior.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

I am the warrior of the wasteland!\u00a0 The ayatollah of rock-and-rollah!<\/p>\n

Smegma Crazies to the left!\u00a0 Gayboy Berserkers to the gate!\u00a0 THE GAAATE!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I sometimes tell people I\u2019m a political junkie.\u00a0 But I think I might be lying because, really, politics bores me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[195,41,178],"class_list":["post-231","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-elections","tag-politics","tag-presidency"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/231","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=231"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/231\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2985,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/231\/revisions\/2985"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=231"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=231"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=231"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}