build a faux-French Quarter style building that is, somehow, cold, brutalist, and unwelcoming.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/p>\n
There\u2019ll be no music, and we won\u2019t open till around 5pm. Closing time will be midnight. Inside, the bar itself will be dominated by serving stations and other equipment. It\u2019ll be a long bar, perhaps inviting from a distance, but there\u2019ll only be about five or six places to sit at any given time.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ll have one waitress who\u2019ll be hired for her overbearing misanthropic qualities. She\u2019ll also be allowed to take as many smoke breaks as she needs. And she\u2019ll be a chain smoker.<\/p>\n
Our bartender will be a young alt-goth type with cold, dead, animal-like eyes. There will be no regulars at In Session. It\u2019s full price for everyone, and no freebies. All drinks will be watered down to the point where they\u2019re largely non-alcoholic. DC expats will thrill as they order a high priced vodka tonic and receive a small glass of heavily iced tonic water instead. Just like home, they\u2019ll say, pretending to get drunk on the tonic lest they show some sort of weakness. In Session\u2019s fortune will be made off of the hope that at least one guy or gal at each table will fake getting drunk largely through the power of suggestion and then the others will have to keep up. Whew! Shirley\u2019s really off the rails! DC expats will say as they receive their coke with a taste of rum in a four once glass filled with three ounces of ice.<\/p>\n
The unblinking eyes of the bartender will follow them and, if they stumble or raise their voices, they\u2019ll be cut off. Most people will be cut off after three drinks anyway. If asked to defend himself, the bartender will respond that the customer was \u201cshowing signs of inebriation.\u201d<\/p>\n
In the back will be Chef. He\u2019ll be praised to high heaven on the menus with large paragraphs of text and testimonials but, after a few minutes, you\u2019ll realize that every single item on the menu is a variation of chicken tenders. Appetizers will weigh in at around $10 and entrees will get up higher. The chicken will always either be raw inside or cooked to the point of being rubberized. Chef does not like complaints, either. Seriously. I mean, you can go back there if you want to\u2026but I wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ll be closed during all the major festivals and if anyone walks through the door in any sort of costume we\u2019re going to call the cops because, obviously, you\u2019re there to rob us. All staff will come from the DC area, so it\u2019ll always be in the back of their minds that they will end their days being raped, beaten, tied up, and left in the walk-in freezer for the weekend. Generally speaking, especially at night, staff will approach every customer as if they\u2019re a potential threat.<\/p>\n
There will be a balcony and outdoor seating, but those areas will always be closed. There\u2019ll be no smoking inside and no loitering outside. For god\u2019s sake, you can not<\/em> take your drink outside, and anyone arriving with a drink from another bar will be refused service. If you complain, we\u2019ll call the cops.<\/p>\nDomestic beer will be $5. Domestic includes Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Light. Imports will range from $6 to $7. Imports will be any beer that is brewed out of state and\/or is considered better than Bud. However, we will have nightly specials on Blue Moon, served with a giant unappetizing orange slice that\u2019s been sitting out, uncovered, since the previous day. Blue Moon sales should represent a large portion of our revenue from suburban and urban DC expats and anyone else from similar locales.<\/p>\n
Except for the Blue Moon, we will frequently run out of the \u201cimports.\u201d If a beer is off, the bartender will probably just laugh derisively and walk away. If forced to comp you the pint, he won\u2019t take any action to correct the problem and will continue to serve the bad beer to other customers as you look on. This stems from an over-reliance on Blue Moon, which is always off, but there\u2019ll be no arguing the point. Unless you want to get cut off.<\/p>\n
Though I said no music (we will, however, have a stage that always looks promising), we will have a jukebox. It\u2019ll have about six CDs and they\u2019ll mainly be Yes albums, except none of the ones with the hits that you know.<\/p>\n
No darts or anything of that sort. No sharp implements at all. We will have a pool table, but you\u2019ll have to pay $6 at the bar to get the balls.<\/p>\n
Our target clientele will be 40-something Washingtonians who\u2019ll belly up and cast judgmental glares at people who order drinks but no food. We will also feature several near-urban (Virginia and Maryland suburbs) rednecks who will quietly mock you if you stand at the bar and show any signs of hesitation, or are a same-sex group with fewer than four people. There\u2019ll also be a contingent of creepy Jeffery Dahmer types who are alcohol snobs of some ilk and will talk your ear off if you make even the slightest eye contact with them, and even if you\u2019re deep in conversation with a friend.<\/p>\n
Everyone will have their phones out and either conduct loud inane conversations or appear to be writing a novel in a text message window. These will mainly be any of the potentially attractive girls. The unattractive girls will be faux-lesbians who\u2019ll throw themselves around the bar like they play a biker lesbian chick on TV as their full time profession.<\/p>\n
The d\u00e9cor, of course, will be Congressional, in keeping with the \u201cIn Session\u201d name. So the walls will be plastered with pictures of old white men. Establishment-chic. I\u2019ll make sure that all the highly questionable conservative ones are signed with cheery messages about the bar.<\/p>\n
So! If your extraordinarily overpriced apartment in NOMA is without power because Pepco is run by the writers of an unamusing early 90\u2019s BBC sketch comedy, then pop on down to National and grab a flight to New Orleans. Join us at In Session \u2013 your home away from home! Where the Blue Moon is always suspiciously grey-brown. Would you like a big, ridiculous orange slice with that? If yes then let me know ahead of time because I don\u2019t like fighting off the cockroaches to get to them so I\u2019ll have to go get Chef.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have a dream. I\u2019m going to move to New Orleans and open up a DC-themed bar. I\u2019m going to call it \u201cIn Session\u201d and set it up somewhere posh where we can pick up tourists and commuters. For all …<\/p>\n
In Session<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,65,12],"tags":[74,82,395,64,399],"class_list":["post-2134","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lush","category-nola","category-dc","tag-bars","tag-bitching-about-noma","tag-lush","tag-new-orleans","tag-dc"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2134","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2134"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2134\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2136,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2134\/revisions\/2136"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2134"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2134"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2134"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}