It\u2019s time to answer the question that, I\u2019m sure, is foremost in everyone\u2019s mind: Where can I get a beer in Union Station at 8:30am?<\/p>\n
And I don\u2019t mean buying one at the liquor store, or getting one down at the weird pizza joint in the No, it\u2019s time for A Touch of Class. I want to sit at a bar like a normal yuppie and be served a beer by a bartender. And I don\u2019t want to have to cajole the bartender into doing so, or be given a judgmental stare like I just sat down and screamed, \u201cI CAVORT WITH SATAN!\u201d I want someone to serve me a beer at 8:30am like they do it all the time.<\/p>\n You\u2019d think that, at a cosmopolitan railway station, and here at the Capitol of the Empire, bartenders would serve you in the early AM without hesitation. \u201cHiya Floyd, I just signed a bill that\u2019ll murder millions. Can I have a beer?\u201d Or, maybe, \u201cHiya Floyd, my motherfucking MARC train was just delayed for 17 hours because of a flash flood warning 1500 miles away in Louisiana. How about a beer? And some heroin?\u201d<\/p>\n The plan: I leave home early, hit Union Station at 8:30 or earlier, find an open bar, and gauge reactions and quality of service. I\u2019ll drink like a fish, scribble insane notes in my little reporter\u2019s notebook, then totter to work and pretend like everything\u2019s normal as I throw up on my supervisor\u2019s shoes and then feverishly masturbate in the bathroom stall to mental images of the deaf girls from Gallaudet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s time to answer the question that, I\u2019m sure, is foremost in everyone\u2019s mind: Where can I get a beer in Union Station at 8:30am? And I don\u2019t mean buying one at the liquor store, or getting one down at …<\/p>\ngladiator pit<\/del> food court and drinking in a corner like one of the bums. Fingerless gloves, covered in ash from sweeping chimneys, drinking from a plastic cup and staring at the deaf girls from Gallaudet. That\u2019s what I do every morning!<\/p>\n