I\u2019ll start by saying that I really want to escape this life.\u00a0 I want to live on a West Virginia mountaintop, in a Joe Bob Briggs TNT Monstervision-era trailer, and just vanish.<\/p>\n
But that\u2019s not really practical at this point in my life, so I have to look towards alternate means of escape.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve long had alcohol, but it lacks the particular charm necessary to make escape meaningful.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to step out of my life if I have to wake up in the morning and face a long commute with a hangover.\u00a0 It\u2019s free, at least, thanks to my weekend job.\u00a0 So long as I don\u2019t have to pay for the booze, I\u2019ll embrace it.\u00a0 Though my new plan is to stop going out to drink with my spendthrift friends who think bar tabs are cheaper than the in gas spent getting to my apartment where I have more booze than a liquor store piled up in the second bathroom, kitchen, living room, and closets.\u00a0 I\u2019m currently moving into a phase where booze isn\u2019t fun if it costs money.\u00a0 In fact, nothing\u2019s fun if it costs money.\u00a0 So screw social gatherings.\u00a0 Come sit in the dark with me and drink the finest booze known to man\u2026 Or known to the type of people who have ,000 weddings.<\/p>\n
Then there\u2019s caffeine.\u00a0 Coffee.\u00a0 My hateful friend.\u00a0 Caffeine is my one serious addiction \u2013 I don\u2019t enjoy it, and often resent it.\u00a0 But, for the last four years, caffeine has become my bedmate because I\u2019m getting about three hours of sleep a night, which will kill me.\u00a0 (Why so little sleep?\u00a0 Look, just buy my books<\/a>.\u00a0 And if you don\u2019t want to pay full price, then buy them from me through my Amazon storefront<\/a>.\u00a0 Here are the links: Secret MF<\/a>, Secret Fires<\/a>, Secret DJ available after September 1st.)<\/p>\n With no book coming out in 2009, I might be able to return to normal life.\u00a0 But I think the real problem is having to work for a living.\u00a0 I don\u2019t miss the pain, from back in those pre-brain surgery days, but I do miss being bedridden.\u00a0 Those were great days.\u00a0 Weeks, sometimes months, spent in cringing agony at home.\u00a0 No commute, no crazy co-workers, no idiot customers!\u00a0 Just a wall of pain.<\/p>\n My current goal is to work like crazy for three years, build up the coffers once again, and then freak out and take a year off where I\u2019ll live in teepee and eat locusts or something.<\/p>\n Recently, I added a vice.\u00a0 I decided to take up smoking.\u00a0 Because I\u2019m a mockery of a man, I got a corn cob pipe and some English tobacco.\u00a0 Which, I suppose, is just Virginia tobacco, except it invites me up the hill for a pot of tea and talks my head off about the Roman villa they\u2019re trying to raise outside of Shrewsbury and isn\u2019t it a shame that swing bridge 12 on the Oxford Canal has been out of commission all summer?<\/p>\n Sadly, tobacco isn\u2019t fun.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel any different, it tastes bad, and it really is a dirty habit, except without the dark, secret joy of other dirty habits, like jacking off onto public toilet seats.<\/p>\n Since the hard drugs don\u2019t really call to me, I\u2019m left without a constructive and\/or mood-altering vice.\u00a0 So I\u2019m in the market for ideas.\u00a0 Currently, I\u2019m considering taking up the following vices:<\/p>\n (1) Pissing into my co-worker\u2019s potted plants<\/p>\n (2) Whenever someone takes a day off, eat lots of beans or whatever and fart in their office all day.\u00a0 Maybe move their desk away from the wall, take a shit on the floor, then move the desk back.<\/p>\n (3) Injecting milk into all the office chairs every Friday evening.<\/p>\n