I\u2019ve long been pursuing the life of a professional bachelor.\u00a0 At this point, as I enter my mid-30\u2019s, it\u2019s become something of a private little religion.\u00a0 Being a professional bachelor means walking around in boxers, drinking at weird hours, smoking a pipe, and putting on a Nixon mask and screaming at the plants.\u00a0 Also, I\u2019ve started cultivating marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms.\u00a0 And decided, just today, to start collecting automatic weapons and explosives.<\/p>\n
Because that\u2019s what being a bachelor is all about!
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I\u2019ve never gotten along with women.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that I dislike them.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t trust them.\u00a0 You can lump them in there with pandas and polar bears.\u00a0 Really cool and alluring and, perhaps, even worthy of frequent obsession\u2026 But get close to them and they crush your skull with their unforgiving jaws and eat your brains.<\/p>\n
I had my fill of passive aggressive women during my childhood and, it seems to me, all women are passive aggressive.\u00a0 Either outright or just as a vague undercurrent.\u00a0 It\u2019s how they\u2019ve been taught, really.\u00a0 The International School of Wheedling.\u00a0 Very few women finish their degree from that school, though, so when the wheedling fails, the only possible option is that passive aggressive route.\u00a0 This goes back to caveman days.\u00a0 Oh, is that all the deer meat you could find?\u00a0 The fire\u2019s almost out.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help but notice that you left all those rocks at the cave entrance when you came home.\u00a0 This beaver fur is a little bit thin, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Do I look fat in this wolf pelt?\u00a0 I collected some berries but, really, there\u2019s just not much variety in this neighborhood.\u00a0 Not like those caves north of the valley.<\/p>\n
Women wheedle because they\u2019re weak and needy.\u00a0 If that\u2019s going to be a common trait, I want it balanced out by something cool.\u00a0 So here\u2019s my perfect woman:<\/p>\n
Armament<\/strong><\/p>\n You\u2019re a cop, or a Fed, or someone who carries a gun.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care if you\u2019ve never used it, you just have to carry a gun.\u00a0 You can be a private citizen, as long as you have a gun on your hip (or a shoulder holster).\u00a0 No purse guns!<\/p>\n Clothing<\/strong><\/p>\n No heels, unless as part of a bedroom fantasy.\u00a0 Sensible, flat shoes for running after I make you shoot a commuter.<\/p>\n I have a serious fetish for women in men\u2019s clothes.\u00a0 Like the way female FBI agents are portrayed on TV \u2013 the tight pants, the tight button-up, the professional little jacket, hair tied back.\u00a0 \u2026Gun.<\/p>\n Mental Ability<\/strong><\/p>\n A financial whiz and overall problem solver.\u00a0 You know your world history, have a grasp on politics (though not an obsession), and have street smarts, not book smarts.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care about your PhD if you\u2019re still a whining bitch.\u00a0 I am not awed by self-involved intelligence or the ability to debate miniscule points.\u00a0 In fact, I hate debates and arguments.\u00a0 Agree with me or don\u2019t agree with me, I don\u2019t care why. No pill-heads.\u00a0 Nobody who\u2019s on a prescription for anything emotional.\u00a0 Some weird physical problem is fine, but the Zoloft bunnies can fuck off. Tall.\u00a0 I love them tall.\u00a0 But it\u2019s not required, as long as you\u2019re in shape.\u00a0 I don\u2019t mean Surfboard Kelly in shape.\u00a0 I\u2019m just talking about being within the correct medically-approved weight class for your age and height.<\/p>\n Fingers are important.\u00a0 The thumb should look like a finger, not a thumb.\u00a0 No flabby arms.\u00a0 No Wookie face.\u00a0 No caveman feet.<\/p>\n Entertainment<\/strong><\/p>\n
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\nHealth<\/strong><\/p>\n
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\nPhysical<\/strong><\/p>\n