James spun by for some post-Thanksgiving down time. I usually saw more of him as the holidays approach as he had a greater number of local family members to avoid. Though, for the last two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, he\u2019d been completely off the radar.<\/p>\n
He pushed past me when I answered the door, stumbled into the kitchen and pulled the gin out of the freezer.\u00a0 With shaking hands, he poured six ounces into a plastic cup and drank deeply, sputtering at the last gulp and gasping.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrying to go dry again?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
He shook his head, red-faced and blinking, then poured another six ounces.\u00a0 \u201cWorse.\u201d He rasped.\u00a0 He moved into the living room and collapsed heavily on the coach.<\/p>\n
\u201cWorse? I asked, taking a seat opposite him.<\/p>\n
He leaned forward and whispered, \u201cWorse.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI quit masturbating for two weeks.\u201d
\n
\nIt took a while for that to sink in.\u00a0 He stared at me expectantly but, after about a minute facing my blank stare, he sighed and rolled his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cAn experiment! A social experiment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot masturbating is a social experiment?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d He drank deeply again, \u201cNow stay with me here, Nach \u2013 my theory is that all men are killers and rapists.\u00a0 Or, at least, the potential is there.\u00a0 Some sort of reptilian cortex that\u2019s held in check by civilization. There are the fruitbats who act on the impulses, but normal people are able to suppress that shit.\u00a0 Otherwise I\u2019d be raping Angelina Jolie right now.\u201d He slammed a fist on the coffee table, \u201cRight the fuck now!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s keeping you from raping Angelina Jolie is probably more related to her security detail than anything else.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shrugged. \u201cWell, true.\u00a0 But, still. I say it\u2019s there in all of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoesn\u2019t that seem a bit\u2026I don\u2019t know. Broad? Does that make sense?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot at all.\u00a0 We are all capable of it, no?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I say no, is that quitter talk?\u201d<\/p>\n
He pointed at me and winked, \u201cThat\u2019s right, sonny.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, okay, we\u2019re all rapists.\u00a0 What\u2019s masturbation got to do with it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy theory is that the only thing that keeps a man balanced is if he whacks off five times a day.\u201d<\/p>\n
I whistled. \u201cThat\u2019s moving into excessive territory, no?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThree to five times.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can go with three.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI bet you can. So, anyway, whacking off releases what we\u2019ll call \u2018rapist humors\u2019 and keeps us balanced and functional.\u201d<\/p>\n
I drifted back into the kitchen and made myself a gin and tonic, a much needed companion to masturbation theories.<\/p>\n
James waited till I was sitting again before continuing, \u201cSo, I said to myself \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cJames, you said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJames, I said \u2013 because that\u2019s my name \u2013 I said, James, I said, what if you stop whacking off? How long before you become\u2026\u201d He leaned forward and hissed, \u201c\u2026an animal!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike a lemur or something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo!\u00a0 A mad rapist!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore we continue \u2013 have you actually raped anybody, James?\u00a0 This isn\u2019t some sort of confession freakout like that time you booked a suite at the Hotel George and planned to assassinate the President, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo!\u00a0 And that would have worked if you hadn\u2019t of drugged me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI got you drunk at the bar then took you home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlcohol\u2019s a drug.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBack to the mad masturbating rapist.\u201d<\/p>\n
He brightened, \u201cAh!\u00a0 You\u2019re intrigued!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s either this or continue the endless Stargate <\/em>marathon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got to stop marathoning that show.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t, James.\u00a0 I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo I just wanted to see how long it took before I snapped.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOne hour!\u201d<\/p>\n He stared at me, hands folded on a knee, silent.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded, \u201cSo, the first two days were no problem.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t notice anything, really. On the third day I started thinking about whacking off\u2026 But was still able to avoid it.\u00a0 Seemed simple, at that point.\u00a0 When things started to change was on the fourth day. I started to get erections at weird times \u2013 on the Metro, at the office.\u00a0 It was like I was in junior high again.\u00a0 I\u2019m shuffling off the train red faced and with a briefcase held defensively in front of me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe rapist, illustrated.\u201d<\/p>\n James narrowed his eyes, but continued, \u201cOn the fifth day, I started getting little palpitations every time I got one of those inappropriate boners.\u00a0 Shortness of breath.\u00a0 The fantasies began\u2026 I started to catalog past girlfriends and sexual encounters, running through all the crazy college sex. Nostalgia erotica\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI do that all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt hit hard on the sixth day.\u00a0 That\u2019s when I started to assume every little thing was a sexual advance.\u00a0 If a woman\u2019s eyes inadvertently locked with mine on a passing escalator, or on the train, or wherever. The tiniest of involuntary polite smiles, an added bit of graciousness if I held a door open, stopping to ask me directions\u2026 It all had this wild sexual undertone.\u00a0 I became convinced that all of those scenarios were open, bawdy invitations to just swoop in and whisk them away to a bedroom somewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI also do that all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe sensation got worse.\u00a0 After the eighth day, I decided to call in sick and just cloister myself at home. That was okay but, by the end of the second week, the sounds of the neighbors would set me off.\u00a0 The hot Irish bitch in 311 getting up at the crack of dawn to walk her idiot dog\u2026 She\u2019d be out there in tight running clothes, her hair a mess\u2026 Then there\u2019s that girl in 418 with the baby\u2026 And\u2026 Oh, god.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t take it.\u00a0 I\u2019d hear one of their doors slam and I\u2019d race to the window to watch them come and go. I started to memorize their schedules.\u00a0 It was bad.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut you managed the two weeks?\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded, \u201cI did, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou just finished?\u201d<\/p>\n He sighed, his shoulders slumping,\u00a0 \u201cLast Saturday, yes. Then I spent all day Sunday yanking it raw. I still feel like I\u2019ve been polluted somehow\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n I cracked an ice cube with my molars and grinned, looking down my nose, \u201cYou saw the darkness, boy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI did! And it was a terrible darkness.\u201d<\/p>\n We both waved our arms dramatically.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, anyway,\u201d James said, finishing his own glass of gin, \u201cWhat\u2019s the next Stargate <\/em>episode on your list?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe Quest<\/em> \u2013 a two parter where SG1 teams up with Baal and Adria to \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n \u201cWhatever, faggot. I\u2019ll make us a couple more drinks, you get it loaded up.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" James spun by for some post-Thanksgiving down time. I usually saw more of him as the holidays approach as he had a greater number of local family members to avoid. Though, for the last two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, …<\/p>\n