{"id":165,"date":"2008-07-31T07:40:58","date_gmt":"2008-07-31T12:40:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=165"},"modified":"2018-10-31T12:08:48","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T16:08:48","slug":"zazz","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=165","title":{"rendered":"Zazz"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve decided to become an executioner.\u00a0 This is not just because I\u2019ve been compulsively watching and rewatching the brilliant Snuff Box<\/em><\/a>, which everyone reading should immediately go rent\/buy\/download, depending on your geography and budget.\u00a0 I\u2019ve made this decision independent of television\u2019s influence.<\/p>\n

I can tell the difference.\u00a0 For example, I really want — but know that I cannot have — a Stargate.
\n<\/p>\n

Being an executioner, I\u2019ve decided, is the perfect job for me.\u00a0 Not only do I get to kill people, but there\u2019s a sense that, though obviously employed by some government or corporate body, I\u2019d still be working for myself.\u00a0 I get the hood so no one knows who I am.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have anything to do but kill some poor motherfucker.\u00a0 You might think that\u2019s hard, but this is 2008.\u00a0 We kill with needles and switches now.\u00a0 Come to think of it, executioners probably don\u2019t wear hoods anymore.\u00a0 But I would.\u00a0 I\u2019d wear a crazy, hand-stitched, leather gimp mask and no shirt, then look people in the face right before I took up my position.\u00a0 Maybe, spittle flying through my zippered mouth-hole, I\u2019d say something incomprehensible.\u00a0 Just as a bit of light humor.\u00a0 Let their final moments be spent wondering what I said. Which, of course, would be nothing.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d even be willing to commute.\u00a0 That\u2019s saying something.\u00a0 But can you imagine?\u00a0 What a great way to end the morning commute.\u00a0 Working your way through all those idiot commuter fucks, getting all wound up and screaming at them on the train.\u00a0 Seething at your desk\u2026and, then, right when you think 8am is not too early to start drinking heavily, you get to walk down the hall and kill someone.<\/p>\n

Though commuting would be a problem, because then I\u2019d have to kill someone when I got home.\u00a0 Maybe I could take my work home with me?\u00a0 Select a death row prisoner, chain them up, take them with me under heavy guard on the train, the bus, then the half mile walk to my apartment\u2026 For them, it\u2019ll probably be lovely.\u00a0 See the people, get some outside air, take in a few new sites.\u00a0 Then, back at my place, I\u2019d take off my trousers, as you do, mix up a vodka tonic or, these days, I\u2019ve switched to vodka and Giant Food brand raspberry Zazz.\u00a0 Relax a bit — and let the condemned relax as well.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll make him a vodka raspberry Zazz, too.\u00a0 We could chat a bit.\u00a0 How\u2019s death row?\u00a0 Fine.\u00a0 How\u2019s a garden apartment in Silver Spring?\u00a0 Fine.<\/p>\n

I have a Bible.\u00a0 Somewhere.\u00a0 I have a Koran in my bathroom. I even have a Book of Mormon because, long ago, after I finished The Boble<\/a>, I thought I\u2019d try my hand at rewriting the Book of Mormon.\u00a0 Except it turned out to already be a satire, which made my efforts pointless.\u00a0 If the condemned is a Jew, he can read the first half of the Bible.\u00a0 Is that how it works?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what those Hebrews do.\u00a0 Point is, there\u2019ll be no preacher.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be me — your friendly executioner — the condemned and one serious fuck-off guard.\u00a0 See, I don\u2019t go into God\u2019s house, so I figure the same should be true in reverse.\u00a0 God stops at my door.<\/p>\n

If you have Catholic upbringing, then you just have to wonder \u2013 what kind of a fuck off pervert is God, anyway?\u00a0 He\u2019s always watching?\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 Jesus Christ is up there sitting with his daddy on a tight little throne watching me jack off?\u00a0 Then maybe they jack off while I take a shit and a shower?\u00a0 Because there\u2019s no other reason God would want to watch billions of men jack off except for personal enjoyment.<\/p>\n

Does god watch fat women?\u00a0 Because, if I were God, I sure wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 Have you ever seen a fat woman masturbate?\u00a0 In fact, if I was God, I think I’d just be watching Maggie Gyllenhaal an awful lot.\u00a0 And not the Dark Knight<\/em> Maggie Gyllenhaal.\u00a0 I’m talking about the Secretary<\/em>-era Maggie Gyllenhaal.\u00a0 Or maybe that awful movie where her tits were hanging out all the time.\u00a0 I watched that.\u00a0 I had to put it on mute, but I watched it.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s an idea — how about God just checks in with you on your birthday?\u00a0 That\u2019s the religion I want.\u00a0 The once a year birthday card — \u201cHope you\u2019re still alive, here\u2019s 20 bucks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Thanks, God.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a hell of a year.\u00a0 I hope you weren\u2019t watching when I masturbated into that banana and then ate it.<\/p>\n

No, no, Nacho.\u00a0 I don\u2019t watch anyone anymore because you\u2019re all a bunch of monkeys strung out on anti-depressants and fucking anything that moves and then cutting the names of ex lovers into your thighs and — phew — there\u2019s not enough gin in Bermuda to keep me tuned to that channel!<\/p>\n

Amen.<\/p>\n

So, executions. We\u2019ll talk, or the condemned can read a religious text at his leisure.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll have about three vodka raspberry Zazz\u2019s, because I find that you need to be a bit loose in the evenings, just in case you\u2019re called on to solve an impossible Victorian-era crime or the cops come because they read on your blog that you were cultivating marijuana and you need to be convincing when you say, \u201cNah, I don\u2019t do that. I got drink.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then, when it\u2019s about time for me to throw on a pork chop and\/or pursue a healthier dinner option, I\u2019ll have the guard take the condemned out onto my balcony, where it\u2019ll be optional for my neighbors to gather in the parking lot.\u00a0 I\u2019ll ask if the condemned wants to address the people (at this point, in my hand-stitched gimp mask, I\u2019ll not say \u201cthe people\u201d but, instead, will repeatedly say, \u201cdas volk,\u201d because I own every German newsreel from 1936-1945) in 200 words or less.<\/p>\n

Once the condemned is done with his speech, then I\u2019ll gently bend him over and put his neck on the railing of my balcony, so he’s looking down at the ground.\u00a0 Then I\u2019ll use a curved, thousand-year-old, Sri Lankan-made sword to take off his head.\u00a0 Hopefully in one blow, but the Zazz does get you loopy sometimes.<\/p>\n

There won\u2019t be a basket or anything of that sort.\u00a0 The head will fall to the ground and any of my neighbors are free to take it as a memento.\u00a0 The guard will then remove the corpse, and I can go about having dinner.<\/p>\n

That right there, dear reader, is my ideal evening.\u00a0 If but I could do that every night.<\/p>\n

Because I haven\u2019t taken pictures lately, I\u2019ve decided to add some visual stimulation to the blog.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the couch where the condemned will sit. Note the Buddha, which belonged to my mom, in the event that the condemned is Asian.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s where I\u2019ll sit and \u201chold court,\u201d if you will.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the balcony.\u00a0 Not currently prepared for an execution, but everything can be easily moved around.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Looking down \u2013 doomed person\u2019s POV!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The parking lot, where my neighbors will gather and jeer, as the commoners tend to do.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And\u2026Zazz.\u00a0 Though I have misled you.\u00a0 This is Lemon-Lime Zazz.\u00a0 It was on sale.\u00a0 These are hard times for America… We can’t always have raspberry just because we want it.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve decided to become an executioner.\u00a0 This is not just because I\u2019ve been compulsively watching and rewatching the brilliant Snuff Box, which everyone reading should immediately go rent\/buy\/download, depending on your geography and budget.\u00a0 I\u2019ve made this decision independent of …<\/p>\n

Zazz<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[75],"class_list":["post-165","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-wage-slave","tag-drinking"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/165","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=165"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/165\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1097,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/165\/revisions\/1097"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=165"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=165"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=165"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}