{"id":16,"date":"2008-01-16T14:15:47","date_gmt":"2008-01-16T19:15:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=16"},"modified":"2018-10-31T14:23:00","modified_gmt":"2018-10-31T18:23:00","slug":"anxiety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=16","title":{"rendered":"Anxiety"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have a recurring nightmare that does not involve getting a colonoscopy.\u00a0 <\/span>If it did, it would make much more sense.\u00a0 <\/span>Instead, my nightmare is a very basic, very unsurprising anxiety dream.\u00a0 <\/span>So mundane, in fact, that I hesitate to call it a nightmare.\u00a0 <\/span>It doesn\u2019t wake me up, it doesn\u2019t leave me unsettled.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s a sort of background hum.\u00a0 <\/span>But I\u2019ve been having the dream, once or twice a week, since 1988.<\/p>\n

<\/o><\/p>\n

In the dream, I get lost and miss a class at either my old high school or at the University<\/st1> of Maryland<\/st1>\u2019s <\/st1>College Park<\/st1> campus.\u00a0 <\/span>I find myself wandering around empty halls of either a very recognizable section of my high school or a more generic building at UMD.\u00a0 <\/span>Nothing but long halls and nameless doorways, backpack over my shoulder, schedule of classes in my hand.\u00a0 <\/span>The schedule is no help.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

Every once in a while, the dream becomes a bit more complicated.\u00a0 <\/span>The hallways become a warren of underground twists and turns, everything looking the same.\u00a0 <\/span>The missed class is specified \u2013 usually a science lab, but sometimes a history class.\u00a0 <\/span>For a few years in the late 90\u2019s, the dream carried on through to a conclusion:\u00a0 <\/span>I found the class and walked in late, much to the displeasure of the instructor (never anyone recognizable, but usually a woman).\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

My dream self is not young.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m always my present age, wearing familiar clothes.\u00a0 <\/span>Though, in the dream, I\u2019m not bothered about being a 33 year old high school student or confused college freshman.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s the ageless quality that I find the most interesting about these dreams.\u00a0 <\/span>I think it would be normal to, at least, feel like a kid again.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s where the real anxiety comes in \u2013 I\u2019m my age now, knowing what I know, and I still can\u2019t find a classroom on the first day of school.\u00a0 <\/span>Nor is there anyone around to help me.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, I suppose it\u2019s pretty clear to break all this down and explain the dream.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel lost in life?\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t know\u2026stuff like that.\u00a0 <\/span>Good enough if I started having the dream recently, but recurring for 20 years seems to indicate something more worrisome.<\/p>\n

At least \u2013 and thank god for this \u2013 I\u2019m consistent.\u00a0 <\/span>Okay, my sub-conscious feels lost.\u00a0 <\/span>But, apparently, this has always<\/em> been the case.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s a good thing knowing where you\u2019re coming from.\u00a0 <\/span>But, then, finding satisfaction at knowing that I\u2019m lost doesn\u2019t dispel the dream.\u00a0 <\/span>I have the deeper fear that my sub-conscious is not creative or interesting.\u00a0 <\/span>Even in the realm of fantasy, my mind has been burned out and utterly bored for 20 years.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s stuck on a high school fear dream and just throws that out occasionally to let me know that everything is working right.\u00a0 <\/span>In which case, I greatly appreciate that the dream isn\u2019t of the forgot to wear pants variety.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m anxious enough about that in my regular life ever since I actually did strike out for the bus stop without pants in 97.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s another story, and it involves tequila and making out with a Collie in a stranger\u2019s backyard.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

I did not have intercourse with the dog.\u00a0 <\/span>It was merely kissing and cuddling.\u00a0 <\/span>After many shots of tequila, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.\u00a0 <\/span>Dogs are good listeners, too.\u00a0 <\/span>They do that thing where they really seem like they\u2019re trying to figure out what you\u2019re saying, which is more than I can say for half the women I\u2019ve dated.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t label myself a \u201cdog person,\u201d though.\u00a0 <\/span>As a rule, I think all animals are a waste of time.\u00a0 <\/span>Having a pet is like permanently having a child around.\u00a0 <\/span>Except pets are slightly more interesting.\u00a0 <\/span>Anything that can\u2019t take care of itself unless it\u2019s surviving off of your corpse is pretty useless.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to be able to leave the country for a month and not have to worry about anything.\u00a0 <\/span>Watering plants, I suppose, but that\u2019s pretty basic.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

Pets certainly get in the way of dating.\u00a0 <\/span>Meet some chick after work for dinner and the only thing on her mind is, oh my god, have to rush home to let the dog out.\u00a0 <\/span>Sleep over at her place and her cats act like you\u2019re a Soviet tank rolling around <\/st1>Indiana<\/st1> in 1980.\u00a0 <\/span>Not to mention the smell.\u00a0 <\/span>Dogs are okay, but the omnipresent kitty litter smell of apartment cats is something that really sends me for a loop.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

Then there\u2019s the staring shit that animals do while you\u2019re fucking their mistress.\u00a0 <\/span>A common gag in comedies, though hardly funny when you\u2019re the subject of the stare.\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes the stare inspires guilt because I have issues with women but, every once in a while, I\u2019m deeply concerned that the stare is a bit more hopeful.\u00a0 <\/span>Like they want an invitation to take a turn.\u00a0 <\/span>Flip her over, Nacho, then we can tag team that bitch.\u00a0 <\/span>She\u2019ll never figure it out till you cross to the other side of the room and scream:\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cDog!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have a recurring nightmare that does not involve getting a colonoscopy.\u00a0 If it did, it would make much more sense.\u00a0 Instead, my nightmare is a very basic, very unsurprising anxiety dream.\u00a0 So mundane, in fact, that I hesitate to …<\/p>\n

Anxiety<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[248,110,236,397],"class_list":["post-16","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants","tag-anxiety","tag-dream-diary","tag-paranoia","tag-rants"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1245,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16\/revisions\/1245"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}