Things I\u2019m interested in but don\u2019t actively pursue:<\/p>\n
(1) Learning a language<\/p>\n
(2) Exercise<\/p>\n
(3) Exploring my home town<\/p>\n
(4) Women<\/p>\n
(5) Happiness<\/p>\n
(6) Stabbing certain people I know in the neck<\/p>\n
This month is all about my resolutions for 2008, one of which is to get fat and never leave the apartment and die bitterly alone.\u00a0 <\/span>Working off of the list above, though, one thing I land on is the fourth point:\u00a0 <\/span>The Dark and Horrible Secret of Women.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now that I\u2019m of an age where all my peers are married with kids, and own real estate, and have suspiciously conservative \u00a0<\/span>politics, I\u2019m constantly reminded that I\u2019m sort of developmentally frozen at the level of an 18 year old when it comes to relationships.\u00a0 <\/span>And also when it comes to life, generally speaking.\u00a0 <\/span>Because sitting in my bathrobe all weekend drinking and watching downloaded movies and TV shows is \u201cnot mature,\u201d right?\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not really a shut-in, mind you.\u00a0 <\/span>I have a balcony.\u00a0 <\/span>When it\u2019s warm, I plan to sit out on the balcony in my bathrobe, drinking, watching movies, and maybe smoking cigars.\u00a0 <\/span>Or do all that in the nude!\u00a0 <\/span>Yeah, that\u2019ll be exciting.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n I constantly threaten to sit up there nude and wave at all the neighborhood children, but I\u2019ll never do that because I\u2019m the only white guy in the complex so everyone treats me like I\u2019m the guy who moved into the haunted serial killer apartment.\u00a0 <\/span>I think if I start showing signs of wear or, you know, interacting with people on a less than decent level, I\u2019ll be taken down like a sick gazelle.<\/p>\n It seems to bother my friends that I\u2019m unattached.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s an almost lunatic need for them to set me up with someone yet, no matter what, they set me up on blind dates with real freaks.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Either you develop bad taste after you get married, or all my friends think I\u2019m a monster.<\/p>\n Describing the perfect woman, when challenged, is difficult.\u00a0 <\/span>Not a fattie and not expensive.\u00a0 <\/span>I think those are the only real traits I care about.\u00a0 <\/span>If there\u2019s one thing I can\u2019t justify, it\u2019s spending money on women.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to turn my money into coffee, alcohol, and drugs, not expensive anniversary presents and an endless stream of I\u2019m-sorry chocolate and flowers.\u00a0 <\/span>And don\u2019t even mention kids.\u00a0 <\/span>The only reason I would ever have a kid is if I\u2019m too infirm to go to the fridge and clean up around the house.\u00a0 <\/span>Or unless a future New Year\u2019s resolution is \u201ctake out my aggression on the weak.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I almost made that resolution this year but, well, I don\u2019t have a girl or a pet, so it seems pointless.\u00a0 <\/span>I met the resolution halfway with \u201cbuy a rifle and scope.\u201d<\/p>\n While I confess to, occasionally, desiring human company, I am more aware of the lack of sex than anything else.\u00a0 <\/span>Those lonely moments tend to last no longer than ten minutes or so before I realize how much of a pain it is to have women around.\u00a0 <\/span>Would I be allowed to pass out on the living room floor, farting and snuffling, cradling a bottle of vodka to my chest if there was a girl in the apartment?\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ll not even go into my carefully planned masturbation schedule.\u00a0 <\/span>Or Sci-Fi Saturday mornings with Bombay Sapphire Orange Blossoms.\u00a0 <\/span>And, of course, if a woman is around, I\u2019d have to stop talking to myself and pissing in the kitchen sink.<\/p>\n It will be pointed out that I also list \u201chappiness\u201d as something that I am interested in but don\u2019t pursue.\u00a0 <\/span>Happiness, much like women, is somewhat invasive and life changing.\u00a0 <\/span>What would I be if I was happy?\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019d be lazy.\u00a0 <\/span>I wouldn\u2019t be able to maintain my vigilance against this terrible thing called life.\u00a0 <\/span>If I were happy then, with each passing day, life would be building up to rip the chair out from under me, slam my head to the ground, and shit in my mouth.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n Right now, I know what life is up to.\u00a0 <\/span>I know it wants to shit in my mouth.\u00a0 <\/span>Just like some girls I\u2019ve known.<\/p>\n Of course, all that said, my friend has trained his three year old to call me up at work and say, \u201cSee you later, alligator.\u00a0 <\/span>In a while, crocodile.\u00a0 <\/span>After supper, motherfucker.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s much cuter than it sounds and I do find it endearing.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Things I\u2019m interested in but don\u2019t actively pursue: (1) Learning a language (2) Exercise (3) Exploring my home town (4) Women (5) Happiness (6) Stabbing certain people I know in the neck This month is all about my resolutions for …<\/p>\n