I think I\u2019ve established by now that I don\u2019t like people.\u00a0 I\u2019m especially aware of this at lunchtime, when I go to retrieve food and prepare it.<\/p>\n
There are three pantries nearby, and I alternate between each of them in an attempt to confuse any would be assassins.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I should be more worried about my co-workers, I think.\u00a0 That vast and immortal army of brain-dead, cheerful, chattering, Christ-happy monsters.\u00a0 Microwaving a plate of food is not an open invitation to fucking talk and smile at me. Are you a part of my tribe?\u00a0 I don\u2019t think so.\u00a0 I may know who you are, but I don\u2019t see you in the cave at night.\u00a0 I don\u2019t see you defending the fire.\u00a0 I don\u2019t see you keeping watch for the fucking mischievous yet lovable baby dinosaur that\u2019ll eventually be adopted by a doe-eyed child.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m constantly ducking around one of the pantries because I\u2019m supposed to steer clear of this one bitch who complained about me.\u00a0 I visit the pantry on occasion, because I like to at least keep some small hope alive that I\u2019ll get to walk in while said bitch is choking on a piece of chicken.<\/p>\n
What?\u00a0 No, I don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 Are you choking?\u00a0 Say something if you can\u2019t breathe.\u00a0 Look, if you don\u2019t say something, I\u2019ll assume that you can breathe\u2026<\/p>\n
I avoid the second pantry most days because the co-workers in that area are all piss freaks.\u00a0 They talk endlessly about the health effects of drinking their own urine and how best to harvest it throughout the day.\u00a0 For about three months, I thought they were joking.\u00a0 They aren\u2019t.\u00a0 I\u2019d relate more details, but I\u2019m afraid that means I\u2019ll have to throw up.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say I don\u2019t store anything in the fridge over there.<\/p>\n
The pantry that\u2019s dedicated to my department is fine, because we\u2019re all defeated and exhausted over here.\u00a0 But I hate the extreme negativity so common in the wage slave world.\u00a0 That snarling, bitter hatred against a boss who could walk in at any second.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve long threatened to just move into my office.\u00a0 Hotplate, coffee machine, my old dorm room fridge, microwave\u2026 We\u2019re specifically forbidden from having those appliances in our offices, which is amusing.\u00a0 That means that people once tried to do that\u2026 And, in fact, there\u2019s one office on the fourth floor with a private fridge.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because it\u2019s been grandfathered in.\u00a0 It\u2019s the last surviving personal appliance in an office from the days before there was a policy in place.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen it breaks,\u201d the board of managers assured all 600 employees (who didn\u2019t give a fuck), \u201cwe won\u2019t allow the owner to replace it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Powers That Be get very concerned about stuff like that, but not about Kaiser misplacing our medical records.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019m confused about what\u2019s important in life.\u00a0 I\u2019m willing to accept that.\u00a0 Some schmoe on the fourth floor using a small fridge at his desk is wrong\u2026 Kaiser giving away our identities is good\u2026 Right?<\/p>\n
They should check, though.\u00a0 That little personal fridge might be filled with jars of piss.\u00a0 Actually, in that context, I am concerned about personal refrigerators.\u00a0 I certainly wouldn\u2019t let anyone over at Piss Pantry have one.\u00a0 They\u2019ll be guzzling their urine all day.\u00a0 (I\u2019ve been informed that you can get addicted to the \u201cgood feelings\u201d received when consuming mass quantities of urine.)<\/p>\n
I also want to know:\u00a0 What the fuck are my co-workers heating up in the microwaves?\u00a0 Do they collect dog diarrhea and then microwave it for 15 minutes each day?\u00a0 Because that\u2019s what it smells like.\u00a0 Either that or the ubiquitous small of ultra-buttered popcorn.\u00a0 What\u2019s for lunch, Co Worker #719842?\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 Five fucking bags of popcorn.\u00a0 Nice.<\/p>\n
Not kidding, either.\u00a0 One of my coworkers eats five bags of slimy popcorn each day for lunch.\u00a0 Pops them all in a row, then scurries back to her desk and devours every kernel, even if it\u2019s not popped.<\/p>\n
I sometimes linger on these images during my commute.\u00a0 Which is why I\u2019m the only person who cheers when the Metro breaks down and we\u2019re stranded on the tracks for an hour.\u00a0 A train has derailed at Fort Totten?\u00a0 YES!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think I\u2019ve established by now that I don\u2019t like people.\u00a0 I\u2019m especially aware of this at lunchtime, when I go to retrieve food and prepare it. There are three pantries nearby, and I alternate between each of them in …<\/p>\n