{"id":1310,"date":"2010-06-05T07:13:31","date_gmt":"2010-06-05T12:13:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.greatsociety.org\/?p=1310"},"modified":"2018-10-30T17:16:55","modified_gmt":"2018-10-30T21:16:55","slug":"it%e2%80%99s-so-perfect-that-it%e2%80%99s-boring-a-fire-station-1-review","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/?p=1310","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s so perfect, that it\u2019s boring: A Fire Station 1 Review"},"content":{"rendered":"

I wanted to be open-minded. I wanted to embrace Fire Station 1<\/a>, Silver Spring\u2019s newest bar.\u00a0 I wanted to write a good bar review. So I hit them Friday night, two hours after they opened their doors for the first time.<\/p>\n

From a marketing perspective, good bar reviews at GS are poison. I write a bad review for 8407<\/a>, and it\u2019s as if I confessed to sodomizing the historical society\u2019s president\u2019s grandmother.\u00a0 But the dozen or so bars I\u2019ve given a good review to go without comment.\u00a0 You all want to hear me go off. You all need a touchstone for your <\/em>rage.<\/p>\n

So I figured Fire Station 1 was a great opportunity to thwart you. How can it go wrong, really? They\u2019ve spent a fortune working on the old fire station for the last year, they\u2019ve been training their staff for weeks, the location is simply worth killing for, they have more outdoor seating than seems decent, they\u2019re family friendly, they have two bars, and they just seem\u2026cool.<\/p>\n

But it can go wrong.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The best way to start out is by comparing them to Silver Spring\u2019s other gala opening, the infamous 8407. Grand openings are tough for bars.\u00a0 I went to 8407 on their first night and was met with clumsy waiters, confused bartenders who had never seen liquor bottles before, and bad food.\u00a0\u00a0 My surreptitious stops in there since have shown me that training is not a priority. Classic mediocre gastropub shit. The staff are not trained to serve, they are trained to be warm bodies.<\/p>\n

Fire Station 1, however, has impeccably trained staff.\u00a0 Opening night with them and, pretty much, everything was broken.\u00a0 The beers on tap weren\u2019t working, the menu was hobbled, the kitchen was slow and clearly troubled.\u00a0 But we all knew this.\u00a0 The staff were friendly and honest about it.\u00a0 We joked about it.\u00a0 They made us feel like we were part of the opening night \u2013 the unexpected family members at an overbooked event.\u00a0\u00a0 That is: Good training.\u00a0 Customer motherfucking service.\u00a0 Which is what it\u2019s all about, really. The food can suck, the beers are fucked, but, man, bartenders, and wait staff are all grabbing your arm and saying, shit, we didn\u2019t expect more than ten people tonight.\u00a0 We\u2019ve only been open for two hours.\u00a0 So sorry.<\/p>\n

Fire Station 1 is, clearly, run by pros. And if you can actually swallow fucking Hook & Ladder beer, then it\u2019s a dream.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s a kind of Nightmare on Elm Street<\/em> dream for the rest of us. This amazing location \u2013 180 seats, plus the outdoor seating \u2013 in a historic building that just screams for you to pull over and stop by for a beer is missing something.\u00a0 But only for certain people.<\/p>\n

If you swill Corona and eat bad pizza and have a passel of spoiled fucking kids and a goddamned whining wife who\u2019s suspiciously skinny, this is the place for you. If you\u2019re the yuppie transplant I constantly rally against, then this is the place for you.\u00a0 If you\u2019re an imbecile goatherder, then\u2026this is the place for you.\u00a0 Well, if Galaxy Billiards is closed, I mean. An imbecile goatherder would be out of place at Fire Station 1, to be fair.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I\u2019m off topic.\u00a0 For a moment there, I thought I was in Olney.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing \u2013 there\u2019s nothing wrong with Fire Station 1.\u00a0 It\u2019s a cookie cutter \u201cbrew-pub.\u201d\u00a0 You know the type.\u00a0 The brew-pub that doesn\u2019t actually brew beer or serve their own labels.\u00a0 The generic fucking dime a dozen brew pup created by people who are so rich and so solipsistic that they don\u2019t quite understand that there\u2019s a world past their front porch, let alone knowing the simple definition of \u201cbrewery,\u201d \u201cbrew-pub,\u201d or \u201cbrewing company.\u201d<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s not fair, either.\u00a0 Fire Station 1 was supposed to be a Hook & Ladder pub. They pulled out at the last minute\u2026or\u2026something. I don\u2019t really care enough to research what happened.\u00a0 But, at one time, they were going to be a proper brew-pub and not just a generic sports bar in a stunning location.<\/p>\n

See, that\u2019s the problem.\u00a0 You can\u2019t hold anything against them.\u00a0 FS1 is the star-crossed family sports bar of Silver Spring. Everything about it is weirdly perfect and, somehow, totally wrong. Every beer you have there is like paying money to participate in some unimaginably grand collapse of someone\u2019s dream. It almost feels like you\u2019re intruding on some sort of family tragedy.<\/p>\n

So, first impressions.\u00a0 We approach the old fire station and see the plethora of outdoor seating.\u00a0 On opening night, the patio tables had only a few scattered customers.\u00a0 Thunderstorms threatened and, as I write this, it\u2019s midnight and 85 degrees with 75% humidity.\u00a0 So, yeah, fuck outdoor seating.<\/p>\n

Two valet guys stand uselessly on Silver Spring Ave, greeting everyone with a smile.\u00a0 To have valet parking is\u2026I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Retarded?\u00a0 I mean, why? This is Silver Spring. There\u2019s one parking space, free after 7pm, for every single citizen in Maryland.\u00a0 You can park within a block of FS1 at any time, no matter what.\u00a0 Seriously. Like, if Obama were eating at FS1 and buying beers for anyone who showed up, then maybe you\u2019d have to park three blocks away.<\/p>\n

The front door is currently obscured by construction shit.\u00a0 But that\u2019s okay, that stuff will be gone in a few days. Once it is, then how to actually get in will be slightly more intuitive.\u00a0 You won\u2019t have to go to all the various locked doors and have the valet guys laugh at you.<\/p>\n

Once inside, the place is beautiful. Downstairs is the typical roadhouse sports bar \u2013 TVs, noise, bright lights, assholes, bartenders rushed off their feet.\u00a0 I sat at the downstairs bar for 15 minutes and nobody even looked at me.\u00a0 One of the floor managers (I think) \u2013 Jerry \u2013 actually brushed past me to shake hands with his imbecile goatherder friend and pulled a waitress off the floor to serve this asshole a bottle of beer.\u00a0 (And, by the way, he left after that one bottle and I stayed for three beers and an appetizer, so…nepotism doesn\u2019t pay, Jerry.)<\/p>\n

I quit the ground floor bar. But, again, I wanted to write a good review.\u00a0 I wanted to give FS1 as much slack as possible.\u00a0 I went to the upstairs bar, which was dark, cozy, and somewhat empty.\u00a0 Kevin the bartender was a consummate customer service professional and, quickly, I forgot about the ground floor horror.\u00a0 Everything was great upstairs. The only choices were boring bottled beers \u2013 Hook and Ladder, Sam Adams, and the usual pantheon of suspiciously urine-like beverages. But that\u2019s fine.\u00a0 FS1 had only been open for 120 minutes.\u00a0 So, whatever. Kevin \u2013 or was it Keith? \u2013 was capable and funny and just all around wonderful.<\/p>\n

I ordered the crab dip. My family\u2019s been in this area since the 1600\u2019s, so my out of state friends always shrink away from me whenever I order a crab dish. Because I do that thing that Marylanders do when crab\u2019s on the line.\u00a0 Getting bad crab is kind of like pulling aside a Star Wars<\/em> fan and saying, hey, was Han Solo sleeping with Greedo?\u00a0 Because that\u2019s what I got from that scene where Greedo shot first.<\/p>\n

The dip itself was not bad.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t good.\u00a0 I suspect it was imitation crab, but I\u2019m not really that crazy about crabs, so, that\u2019s fine. I wouldn\u2019t order it again, but I wasn\u2019t offended by it.\u00a0 What distracted me from the tasteless imitation dip was the fact that the pitas served with the dip were stale. If you just opened for the first time two hours ago, how can you possibly have stale pitas? How can any of your food be stale?\u00a0 That was the big shocker with 8407\u2019s dinner \u2013 you\u2019ve just fucking opened.\u00a0 The food should be fresh.<\/p>\n

This sticks with you. Bad food. There\u2019s no excuse. We\u2019re paying through the nose for these dishes, you\u2019ve just opened your doors\u2026 And yet you appear to be serving surplus food from some closed restaurant that\u2019s been in your mom\u2019s deep freeze that lost power for 72 hours during the February snowstorm.<\/p>\n

FS1. It\u2019s thumbs down.\u00a0 It\u2019s a big, flashing red, \u201cavoid\u201d sign that I hang over their shamed heads.\u00a0 If you\u2019re some fuck with a family and you want to get toasted while your kids gorge on Chuck-e-Cheese grade food, then it\u2019s a great place.\u00a0 But that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a movement in Silver Spring that preaches a Zen-like forgiveness for places like FS1.\u00a0 Renewal, revitalization, at any cost.\u00a0 But, here\u2019s the thing \u2013 Silver Spring is vital.\u00a0 It is alive.\u00a0 A few feet from FS1 is Pacci\u2019s, with amazing pizza and equally comfy outdoor seating.\u00a0 A block south is Jackies, Sidebar, and Lotus Caf\u00e9.\u00a0 Good food, good drinks.\u00a0 North and you get the best beer and bourbon bar in the state at Quarry House. Go across the street and you get the craziest theme pub I\u2019ve ever seen in Piratz Tavern.\u00a0 Zig-zag across the street again and you get the chains. Faux Irish, yuppieville fucktown, sports hell, and sad southwestern.\u00a0 Wander another few blocks and you get crazy Greeks, or drinks served in coconut shells.<\/p>\n

We have the vitality.\u00a0 We have the diversity.\u00a0 And we have gifted restaurateurs.\u00a0 So much so that these middling places are a weeping wound in our sides. A step backwards. Too simple.\u00a0 Too boring.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I wanted to be open-minded. I wanted to embrace Fire Station 1, Silver Spring\u2019s newest bar.\u00a0 I wanted to write a good bar review. So I hit them Friday night, two hours after they opened their doors for the first …<\/p>\n

It\u2019s so perfect, that it\u2019s boring: A Fire Station 1 Review<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[52],"tags":[78,74,257,73],"class_list":["post-1310","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-meanwhile-in-silver-spring","tag-bar-reviews","tag-bars","tag-fire-station-1","tag-silver-spring"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1310","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1310"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1310\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1312,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1310\/revisions\/1312"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1310"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1310"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/greatsociety.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1310"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}