From August of 2005, this is part of an article continued from notes written on the Metro.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember it at all, so I guess it was never published.\u00a0 God knows where those notes are\u2026 I have a closet full of pads and little reporter\u2019s notebooks.
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Cont from notes<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s assume the thief doesn\u2019t know that.\u00a0 Easy enough, here\u2019s another thing for you to remember.\u00a0 Canadians, also, are well off, safe, secure and materialistic.\u00a0 They are viable targets for thieves.<\/p>\n
In the social setting, the Canadian always takes the fall or America and is put on the spot.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because people think they\u2019re Americans putting on an elaborate act.<\/p>\n
So:\u00a0 Canadian = American.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s another secret you want to know.\u00a0 The last big point:\u00a0 You know how you make fun of Canadians all the time?\u00a0 Yeah?\u00a0 Well, so does the rest of the world.\u00a0 Canadians are a laughingstock.\u00a0 It\u2019s probably worse, overall, to be identified as Canadian.<\/p>\n
When is it okay to play this game?\u00a0 When you\u2019re in a Third World shithole.\u00a0 When you\u2019re in some rundown, sad place, you don\u2019t want to be as open and carefree about your nationality.\u00a0 Of course, you don\u2019t want to be open and carefree about anything.\u00a0 That\u2019s the nature of that sort of travel.\u00a0 But I\u2019ve found, when asked, to let them figure it out.\u00a0 For example.<\/p>\n
Unwashed Native at Market in Filthy Horrible Ghana:\u00a0 Are you English?<\/p>\n
You:\u00a0 Sure!<\/p>\n
You can go with this to a degree.\u00a0 Sometimes it\u2019s a test.\u00a0 You can learn to tell after a while.\u00a0 The poor and unwashed have difficulty with non-traditional American accents.\u00a0 They know the southern-fried retards they see on TV, but that clipped northern accent, or the amorphous Mid-Atlantic accent, can confuse the non-English speaking, untraveled foreigner.\u00a0 I\u2019ve noted that the Mid-Atlantic \u201caccent\u201d is somewhat chameleonic, taking on the tone and pitch of the surrounding accents.\u00a0 A few weeks overseas and, subconsciously, your voice has shifted to something a little off.\u00a0 They\u2019ll still rat you out in English-friendly Europe, but you might throw them in Spain, or Italy, or the east.<\/p>\n
I Didn\u2019t Vote For Him!<\/p>\n
Once The American has been discovered (the instant they walk into a room, in Canadian colors or not), there may be some rough spots.\u00a0 The most common question since 2001 is a variation of the following: \u201cSo\u2026Bush?\u201d<\/p>\n
The first reaction of the American traveler (given that 90% of the small number of Americans who leave the country are educated and urban) is: \u201cI didn\u2019t vote for him!\u201d<\/p>\n
This fallback is almost like wearing the Canadian flag and, every once in a while, I\u2019ve seen that declaration come quickly on the heels of \u201cAre you from America?\u201d<\/p>\n
This is, in the end, an acceptable excuse.\u00a0 However, it should not be shrilly cried out like you\u2019re a guilty child.\u00a0 Whether or not you voted for him, he is the boss, and you had two chances to kill him, and the state of American politics is so fucked up it\u2019s not even funny anymore, and everyone you meet knows this.\u00a0 American politics has been mocked brutally for a generation \u2013 or longer.\u00a0 Years ago, the international papers gave up mocking American politics and, during the Bush era, have entered a sort of Fear & Loathing cycle when discussing the very real problem of No, Really, What The Fuck Is Going On?<\/p>\n
Prepare yourself.\u00a0 The plan should be as follows:\u00a0 Lightly discuss politics in America, like textbook explanation stuff.\u00a0 How it works, what happens, and how and why American society is so divided.\u00a0 Be read to explain things like the Electoral College and why people in the country are inbred motherfuckers but, historically, ha-ha-ha, right?\u00a0 However, dot dot dot.<\/p>\n
Do not get fevered and animated.\u00a0 Do not speak against Bush, unless pressed into it actively.\u00a0 Do not go into detail, do not dominate the conversation.\u00a0 After your brief defensive stance, extricate yourself with a polite and less childlike version of \u201cI didn\u2019t vote for him.\u201d\u00a0 This can be done simply by saying it\u2019s \u201ctoo exhausting to talk about\u201d or, my favorite, \u201cI\u2019m here to escape it for a little bit and enjoy a more enlightened culture.\u201d\u00a0 Oh-ho!\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 I love you, too, Americanski, this one\u2019s on me!<\/p>\n
For the most part, the common person understands that you, too, are a common person and the fucks in charge are scary sister-rapers.\u00a0 Universally.\u00a0 In fact, if you find yourself under attack in a social situation, bone up on the fucking evil shit that their leaders are doing.\u00a0 Take a second to scan the papers.<\/p>\n
Once, I was under serious attack, which escalated, despite my attempts to remove myself based on the above plan, towards something more violent.\u00a0 What stopped this potential disaster?\u00a0 Hey, let\u2019s talk about Tony Blair\u2019s being in the Coalition of the Willing.\u00a0 I Mean, Really, What The Fuck Is Going On There?\u00a0 Eh?<\/p>\n
This led to \u201cWell, I didn\u2019t vote for him,\u201d and, suddenly, a shocked silence.\u00a0 Later that evening, the bastard was buying me drinks and crying into his beer about the state of political affairs in the UK.<\/p>\n
But how rare that is.\u00a0 One incident of true anti-American anger using me as a potential outlet out of hundreds of polite and, often, friendly \u201cwhat the fuck?\u201d conversations.<\/p>\n
So, Where Are You From?<\/p>\n
You\u2019re from \u201cThe States.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cAmerica\u201d has become a bit more acceptable, but you show some class if you say the States.\u00a0 It gives the appearance of being more traveled as well as being secure in your origin.\u00a0 I always say where, exactly, I\u2019m from, and it\u2019s a terrible mistake.\u00a0 Don\u2019t name the State or the city.\u00a0 I hate that.<\/p>\n
You:\u00a0 I\u2019m from Iowa!<\/p>\n
Foreign scum:\u00a0 *blank stare during difficult recall of the map*<\/p>\n
That\u2019s like me telling you what county in Maryland I\u2019m from in response to you asking me what State I\u2019m in.\u00a0 It\u2019s not important.\u00a0 But, most of the time, they\u2019ll follow up with a question because they know that America is big and crazy and there are 500 different regions, all of which have very pretty things in them.\u00a0 If they want to know, it can be a very interesting conversation.<\/p>\n
My friend is from New Mexico.\u00a0 He always gets to talk about the desert, and even gets the old Grand Canyon question, even though it\u2019s 206,700 miles away from his house.\u00a0 Another friend from New York fields long conversations about NYC and Niagara Falls.\u00a0 I live outside DC, so I get shot three times in the stomach and robbed.\u00a0 I mean, not in DC, by the person I\u2019m talking to.\u00a0 That hasn\u2019t happened to me in DC for a week or so.<\/p>\n
I Am Scottish-American<\/p>\n
And I am.\u00a0 But, here\u2019s the thing, my family has been in America for one million and three years.\u00a0 I\u2019m American.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have any ties to anywhere else.\u00a0 I would not be welcome in, would not recognize, nor would enjoy Scotland as der Fatherland.<\/p>\n
It took a long time, and lots of travel, for me to reach this conclusion.<\/p>\n
Everyone mocks Americans for our desperate need to find cultural identity.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re from Ireland!\u201d\u00a0 or \u201cI\u2019m 1\/16th American Indian.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, everyone.\u00a0 More often than not, when people learn that I\u2019m American, they joke about whether or not I\u2019m Whatever-American before they argue about Bush.<\/p>\n
You are American.\u00a0 Just American.\u00a0 Oh, and, I don\u2019t care if your family came over in the 1930\u2019s.\u00a0 That was a long motherfucking time ago. If you\u2019re some ratty old man who was there, okay.\u00a0 If you\u2019re 20, fuck you.\u00a0 You are an unhyphenated American.\u00a0 The moment you identify yourself with some Irish \u00e9migr\u00e9 who went to California in 1854, the person you are talking to has moved you to the idiot category and wants to get away from you.<\/p>\n
This, by the way, is a major social issue in this country when we apply the term \u201cAfrican-American.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ve become so content with the ridiculous hyphenated-American idea, that we think it\u2019s okay to call blacks African-Americans.\u00a0 In my book, it\u2019s a well disguised way to call them niggers.\u00a0 It\u2019s the ultimate, inhuman categorization of a people.\u00a0 Blacks and Indians and Asians get stuffed with that shit.\u00a0 Those who are \u201cnon-white\u201d and traditional opponents.\u00a0 Niggers, redskins and yellows.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We don\u2019t even do it with the spanish.\u00a0 We haven\u2019t fought with them, socially or militarily, in over a century. We don\u2019t call them Hispanic-Americans.\u00a0 Someone whose family is from Guatemala who\u2019s second generation American is just that \u2013 American.\u00a0 Maybe you\u2019d say Latino or Hispanic.\u00a0 You\u2019d say it in the same way as you\u2019d say white.\u00a0 See what I mean?\u00a0 Listen to how people use the terms. Watch their faces as they speak.<\/p>\n
Regardless, in terms of labels, even if used with a pure heart and naive innocence, African-American is a crude generalization.\u00a0 All black Americans are African therefore all black Americans are slave families.\u00a0 When you categorize a slave class, you promote the continuation of that in modern society.<\/p>\n
Black people from this country are, wait for it, Americans.\u00a0 No hyphen.\u00a0 Just like you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From August of 2005, this is part of an article continued from notes written on the Metro.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember it at all, so I guess it was never published.\u00a0 God knows where those notes are\u2026 I have a closet …<\/p>\n