I think this one made it onto the front page at one point.\u00a0 Or, at least, a version of it.\u00a0 \u201cJames\u201d is based on my friend from Sri Lanka and was featured frequently on GS a few years ago.\u00a0 I wrote tons of never published articles with James that usually ended up being cannibalized to create the published stuff.\u00a0 A few of those discarded articles are sitting in my email for some reason\u2026<\/p>\n
From July, 2005.\u00a0 The title of the email is \u201cSaturday in July.\u201d
\n<\/p>\n
My old college buddy James.\u00a0 Definition:\u00a0 Lush.\u00a0 File under:\u00a0 Surprising ability to seduce married women.\u00a0 Married women.\u00a0 Definition:\u00a0 Lonely.\u00a0 Abandoned.\u00a0 Prey.<\/p>\n
Predator.\u00a0 Definition:\u00a0 Lush.<\/p>\n
The call came at 9pm.\u00a0 It was fairly early for a James evening, so I registered surprise when I heard his voice.\u00a0 By registering surprise I, of course, mean that only you and I know that I was taken off guard.\u00a0 Long ago, as a survival technique, I had learned not to show surprise ina\u00a0 way that James could detect.\u00a0 This, of course, was difficult.<\/p>\n
Behind him, creeping through his cell phone, a familiar soundtrack played.\u00a0 The screams of women, the burbles of their dates, Brown-Eyed Girl.\u00a0 James was at a wedding.\u00a0 I\u2019ve worked weddings, both as manager and caterer, for 15 years,\u00a0 I know them, I can taste them, I can feel them in my frail, vodka-addled bones.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 I had to piss, so I had nothing to say.\u00a0 As soon as I knew it was James, I put everything he was about to say out of my mind and became consumed by the age-old question:\u00a0 Could I piss while I was talking to him?<\/p>\n
\u201cNach?\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t reply.<\/p>\n
\u201cFucking Nach, Nach?\u201d\u00a0 James screeched, then said something under his breath.\u00a0 I heard ice clinking, the tell-tale sounds of his cellphone scrunching between head and shoulder, a shaker blasting away.\u00a0 Ice and vodka.\u00a0 The pour.\u00a0 A martini.\u00a0 I hesitated.\u00a0 James was making a martini for\u2026.someone else.\u00a0 Was he at a party?\u00a0 And, if so, why was he making the drinks.\u00a0 Mystery deepened so, instead of playing my usual silent game, I brought myself back to earth.<\/p>\n
\u201cJames, what are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have got to get here,\u201d\u00a0 he hissed into the phone.<\/p>\n
\u201cI \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease, god, please, just write this down.\u201d\u00a0 He rambled off a set of directions that barely clutched at my mind.\u00a0 Fortunately, I knew the final destination.\u00a0 James hung up, I blinked twice, then I grabbed my keys and ran.\u00a0 Something was different and, thank all the gods mankind has created, thank all the visions of utopia, thank everyone on Christmas morning, something was different.\u00a0 Something was, indeed, different.\u00a0 Something \u2013<\/p>\n
The Acura gave me trouble.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t very different.\u00a0 I had to hit the wheel before it started, which was a new thing, then I watched the temperature gauge slam to the right side, back to the left, then normalize.\u00a0 That was different.\u00a0 It would have been funny if, you know, I had been a passenger.<\/p>\n
I power-geared out to where James was.\u00a0 (Power-geared.\u00a0 That\u2019s something my grandfather says whenever he uses the Acura.\u00a0 \u201cI power-geared to Giant and got power-bars!\u201d\u00a0 This was chief amongst my thoughts when I realized that I didn\u2019t have a third gear anymore.)<\/p>\n
James was at an old mansion in Chevy Chase, Maryland.\u00a0 Sitting peacefully on a 40 acre, wooded lot, the house was frequently rented out to wedding parties and other similar events.\u00a0 Saturday night at 9pm, the house was full of lights and rocking like the foundation had got its freak on.\u00a0 A Spanish song that had been played a million times at the Cadiz feria in May of 2001 poured out of windows and doors and, seemingly, from the rocks and trees themselves.\u00a0 I had spent many hours on the dirt floor of various sherry freakout huts at the Cadiz feria, my Spanish friends dragging me from tent to tent, stuffing me full of sherry and 7-Up and, when the Feria closed each night at about 500 o\u2019clock AM, I had been dragged in a cloud of Spanish-language lunatics to scotch bars in the bad part of Cadiz.<\/p>\n
Flashback:\u00a0 May, 2001.\u00a0 I sat in the car for a few minutes, living every moment of my feria hangover.\u00a0 I remember that Cadiz is in Spain, and my passport says I was in Spain for a month, but I don\u2019t remember any of it.\u00a0 My stomach, however, is somewhere in a back alley close to the sea.<\/p>\n
I locked up and leapt out, hitting speed dial 10 and getting James.<\/p>\n
\u201cRound back,\u201d he said, hanging up.<\/p>\n
I circled the house and saw three dozen wedding freaks dancing on the lawn, feria-crazed, and James in a penguin power suit mixing exotic drinks.\u00a0 A magic man whipping lime and vodka and whole grapefruits and badgers and weasels and various unmarked bottles into tiny, blue glasses that appeared to have no stems.<\/p>\n
Stepping up to the bar, I leaned close to whisper something harsh and disapproving, but he saw me first.<\/p>\n
\u201cNach!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJames, what the \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m tending bar for Ridgewells.\u201d\u00a0 He leaned close to my head and whispered,\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a wedding crasher!\u00a0 Like in that movie neither of us will watch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTending bar?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYep.\u00a0 Thought you\u2019d appreciate a few free \u2013 \u201c\u00a0 He poured a viscous, green fluid into a martini glass made of crystal and air, then handed it to me.\u00a0 \u201cWhatevers\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a sip and the world dipped.\u00a0 I took another sip and a black haired girl from New York City appeared at my elbow.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi.\u201d\u00a0 I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t drink these,\u201d she warned me, her hand fluttering up and down my arm.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s Nacho Sasha,\u201d James said.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s mellowed in the new decade but, really, he can drink these.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFunny name.\u201d she whispered, her eyes glazed and zombie like as James filled her glass what a Whatever.\u00a0 She looked down and mumbled, \u201cFunny\u2026name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the fuck are you tending bar for?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need the extra cash,\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJames, you make a 150 grand a year!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a mortgage man!\u00a0 Have mercy for the little man!\u201d\u00a0 He refilled my glass.\u00a0 It seems I had finished it at some point.\u00a0 I noticed a bottle on the bar.<\/p>\n
\u201cJohnny Walker Green?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s between black and blue.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBlack and blue,\u201d the New York girl said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho are you?\u201d I asked her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m from New York City.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, who are you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m from \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cForget it,\u201d James said.\u00a0 \u201cSo Johnny Walker Green was illegal in the US.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSeriously.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s legal.\u00a0 It\u2019s right below Blue label and \u2013 \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat!\u00a0 The substandard label was illegal?\u00a0 You could buy the best but you couldn\u2019t buy the second best?\u201d<\/p>\n
James cleared his throat,\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 This is what some spic told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I\u2019ve never had the Green.\u201d<\/p>\n
James poured two glasses, looked at wobbling New York, shrugged, then poured her a glass.\u00a0 We three held them up, inspected, then James clinked our glasses.\u00a0 \u201cFor science!\u201d\u00a0 We knocked back the Green.\u00a0 James said: Woof.\u00a0 I said:\u00a0 Grrr.\u00a0 New York said: Bark.<\/p>\n
I stepped aside with New York when customers came up, violently demanding Whatevers.\u00a0 James mixed them up and, from behind him, I noticed that he was pouring what appeared to be windshield washer fluid into the glasses.\u00a0 I went to stop him, but New York grabbed my arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you\u2026\u201d She had trouble, slurring the words, dribbling spit.\u00a0 She blinked, shook her head, sucked in a breath, cleared her mind.\u00a0 \u201cAre you here with\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I\u2019m crashing the fucking wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike in the movie?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m boycotting the movie because I belong to a religious cult.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want to see my tits?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
We ran up a grand staircase, giggling like school kids, and slammed our way into a bathroom.\u00a0 She worked very hard to close and lock the door, as her hands seemed to have floated away.\u00a0 She was better with my belt buckle.\u00a0 I had no problem with the zipper down her back.\u00a0 Her tits were fantastic, and as I moved to grasp them in my hands she passed out in my arms.\u00a0 After a brief rape or abandon moment, I decided to remove her clothes, lean her back on the toilet, then take off, leaving the door open.\u00a0 I returned to James\u2019 side.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u00a0 A five minute fuck?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou killed her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe power of the Whatever!\u201d<\/p>\n
An elderly woman hit the table, asking for a Dirt Coke.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood evening,\u201d I said, \u201cyour bartender\u2019s shitfaced!\u201d<\/p>\n
She gasped and scurried off.<\/p>\n
James grabbed my arm and shook me powerfully, \u201cThat\u2019s why I invited you, babe!\u00a0 You hurt the sick, young and elderly.\u00a0 You\u2019re like a hyena.\u00a0 Hyena Sasha!\u201d\u00a0 For a moment, I was worried he\u2019d vault the bar and attack someone.\u00a0 He restrained himself, though.\u00a0 Whatevers.\u00a0 Definition:\u00a0 Unknown.\u00a0 Science:\u00a0 Hypothesis, experimentation, debate.<\/p>\n
We drank Whatevers and caused problems.\u00a0 Then the groom came up to us.\u00a0 He came to James first, whispering to him.\u00a0 James couldn\u2019t stop laughing, so then the groom moved over to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDude,\u201d he said, \u201cI don\u2019t know you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m with your drunken bartender.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need help.\u00a0 You\u2019re the only person I don\u2019t know here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWant me to take your wife for a test run?\u00a0 See if she\u2019s up to snuff?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think this one made it onto the front page at one point.\u00a0 Or, at least, a version of it.\u00a0 \u201cJames\u201d is based on my friend from Sri Lanka and was featured frequently on GS a few years ago.\u00a0 I …<\/p>\n