Gmail cleanout part six!<\/p>\n
This article was written on the same day in February, 05, as last week\u2019s post.\u00a0 What I often do is rant in a notebook during my commute, then turn the rant into an article for the front page.\u00a0 Just skimming this, since I can\u2019t be bothered to read it all, it\u2019s pretty clear that this was intended for the front page and what I posted last week was just the first typed draft.\u00a0 Though this final version is much more angsty and mean-spirited.<\/p>\n
This is still a draft, as you\u2019ll see.\u00a0 I\u2019ve left some parts blank (like where I\u2019m working out my net salary, and percentages and so on).
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\nFrom February, 2005:<\/p>\n
Last day. Capricorn 15’s. Carousel begins.<\/p>\n
I wrote a comment on social security along the lines of fuck it, give me back my 8% and, if need be, I\u2019ll lead up an army of execution squads to dispose of the unlucky or unwise who aren\u2019t able to maintain their own retirement.<\/p>\n
Since the majority of my friends are liberals and, apparently, my readership is composed of disgruntled single men in their twilight years, I fell under some criticism.\u00a0\u00a0 This has inspired me to write the official Nacho Sasha guide on living cheap.<\/p>\n
There are several important factors to start off with.\u00a0 I make $35,000 a year, but I work and live in DC, which is one of the five most expensive places in the US and, worse yet, is filled with Brookstone\u2019s outlets and Trader Joes.\u00a0 You either want to adjust for cost of living or get a higher paying job.\u00a0 If you\u2019re not fortunate enough to do this, you can rest easy with the knowledge that I\u2019m serious about the execution squad.\u00a0 So ramp up your personal debt because, soon, it just won\u2019t matter.\u00a0 (That should be a liberating feeling.)<\/p>\n
The other factor is a big one \u2013 I don\u2019t have a girlfriend.\u00a0 When I do have a girlfriend, she\u2019s usually a deadbeat pop culture whore who needs help untangling her hair, drinks her dinner and spends her weekends rocking back and forth and drawing on the walls.\u00a0 There\u2019s no chance of having a family because the girls I like have, usually, been sterilized by the authorities.<\/p>\n
Another important factor is that I have elderly family members who stubbornly refuse to give up their house yet are dangerously senile and insane.\u00a0 Being a sociopath who can\u2019t keep his volatile, certifiable girlfriends around for more than a few months, I was elected to \u201cwatch\u201d the old folks.\u00a0 I was glad for the opportunity, and volunteered quickly before the scenario was even outlined, because it meant I could live in a big house on an acre lot by the Metro and the Beltway for $400 a month.<\/p>\n
For those of you who do not have this option, there are always parts of your town that have cheap rent.\u00a0 In DC, you\u2019re looking at Takoma and Fort Totten, unless you want to go even deeper into the twisted heart of cheap housing.\u00a0 You can land a two bedroom in Takoma for $500 a month, and a little bit less in Fort Totten.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be living with cockroaches and your neighbors will be noisy and crazy but, hey, I lived in a $1200 apartment in a very tony part of the suburbs and I was living with cockroaches and my neighbors were noisy and insane.\u00a0 This is the city, there\u2019s nothing you can do.\u00a0 I worry more about getting shotgunned during a mugging, or the ever-present out of control bread van, or an unserviced Metro train hopping the tracks in a tunnel than I do crazy neighbors.<\/p>\n
So, okay, the first step is to live in some sort of hell.\u00a0 Adjust the cost for whatever you\u2019re making.\u00a0 No more than\u00a0 (4800 of 35,000)% of your paycheck should go towards your rent.\u00a0 And fuck buying a home\u2026 You\u2019ll either be working for or the victim of my death squads.\u00a0 Or you\u2019ll know a realtor friend who can sell you retirement property in the country at a sweet price.\u00a0 I can give you her details, but she\u2019s only good for Virginia and Maryland.\u00a0 Get some rural parcel of land, park your $150 Airstream trailer on it and retire in peace.\u00a0 Die in a rotting trailer full of mice and newspaper?\u00a0 You bet.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that how all death squad leaders eventually die?<\/p>\n
Rent:\u00a0 $400 a month.<\/p>\n
Now, food is the most expensive element of our lives.\u00a0 If you\u2019re my grandmother, you spend $150 on food every week \u201cjust because you can.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a great way to use up excess Social Security money when you\u2019re also getting some weird pension from some long forgotten Montgomery Ward account because, back in those days, when they promised and set up a pension for employees, they meant it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t quite understand what the fuck is going on with that, but I guess you have to be 80 to remember what it was like.\u00a0 We\u2019ve also got my grandfather\u2019s social security and pension from the State of Maryland for 50 years of teaching \u201cat the PhD level.\u201d\u00a0 My grandfather doesn\u2019t have a doctorate degree, but I\u2019m not allowed to mention that in public.\u00a0 He also gets paid for his World War II service and there\u2019s some sort of weird hush money coming in because he worked on the first nuclear sub and, yes, they killed people.\u00a0 He also gets a pension from his wayward years at Dupont in the early 50\u2019s.<\/p>\n
Then he subs at local schools two or three times a week, which is either one of the most lucrative jobs you can have in Montgomery County, MD\u00a0 or he\u2019s slinging smack.\u00a0 I always suspect the latter, because he often says: \u201cI have lots of colored friends!\u201d\u00a0 And he also says: \u201cNiggers only like drugs, cheap whiskey and our women!\u201d<\/p>\n
I once dated a black woman, simply for the shock value.\u00a0 But when I brought her home, my grandfather pulled me aside and gave me a thumbs up, \u201cAbout time we steal their women, boy.\u201d\u00a0 All of my great plans backfire.<\/p>\n
Anyway, the old folks are doing well and, being unwise with their money, they spend every dollar of their ill gotten gains as soon as the checks arrive.<\/p>\n
But you, my dear readers, you don\u2019t have money arriving from long dead companies where you worked for 20 years building widgets.\u00a0 You, like me, are going to the supermarket and fawning over olives and caviar yet putting expired bread and opened ham packages into your cart.\u00a0 This is okay.\u00a0 Do not seek to better your place in life.\u00a0 The best thing you can do is let your stomach shrink.\u00a0 I happen to be fortunate enough (from a financial standpoint) to have a crippling, permanent nerve injury in my face.\u00a0 Combined with the fact that I never really enjoyed food or had a serious appetite, I can survive on some low grade shit.\u00a0 I run to the Chinese grocer and get a big, fat bag of rice for a few dollars.\u00a0 Combined with seaweed from the Japanese grocer and \u201cliberated\u201d soy sauce, I can feed myself for a month on rice.\u00a0 Elbow noodles, boiled and salted down, can last me days.\u00a0 Every once in a while, I grab expired throwaway chicken and cook it up, dropping it in the freezer to last six days or, sometimes, much longer.\u00a0 When engaged in an unrewarding sexual relationship with a bad woman, I can force them to buy food and cook for me.\u00a0 Often, friends and family members become horrified by my habits and bring me food.<\/p>\n
Overall, my monthly food budget is $50.<\/p>\n
With me?\u00a0 We\u2019re up to $450 a month, food and lodging.<\/p>\n
I drive a 1990 Acura, which I\u2019ve started patching together with duct tape and string.\u00a0 I\u2019m a good driver, but I live in a bad zipcode because my grandfather sells crack on the corner.\u00a0 Car insurance is $60 a month.\u00a0 If anyone works for Geico, let me know what a better zipcode is and I\u2019ll get a PO Box there.\u00a0 Health insurance is covered by my company\u2026barely.\u00a0 I take a vicious cocktail of pills to keep the nerve pain in my face at bay, but they only cost $15 a month.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re up to $525.<\/p>\n
(Note:\u00a0 Learn how to repair your car.)<\/p>\n
On the luxury angle, I have a Netflix account.\u00a0 Luxuries can be a big hole for most people, but the great thing about having nerve damage is that I don\u2019t enjoy eating out, or even hanging around and talking with people.\u00a0 I have friends, sure, but I tend to be at their mercy most of the time, and they make concessions for my strange behavior.\u00a0 They either have Netflix or make me bring my Netflix over.\u00a0 I see a movie in the theaters once a year \u2013 Christmas Day.\u00a0 Otherwise, wait till it shows up on Netflix.\u00a0 My friends and I either watch movies at home, talk quietly about things in kitchens and living rooms, or go to dive bars where we can huddle in booths and whisper in dark corners.\u00a0 My dates follow the same pattern.\u00a0 So, going out rarely costs money.\u00a0 At dive bars, splitting pitchers of beer between even two people, the cost might be $15 each.\u00a0 If you\u2019re in a mixed drink mood, you can do that at home.\u00a0 In fact, buying booze and going to someone\u2019s house is cheaper all around.\u00a0 I work weddings nine months of the year, so about 80% of my booze is stolen.\u00a0 Maybe I spend $20 a month on a bottle of vodka \u2013 watch for sales!\u00a0 Also, I rarely go out.\u00a0 One or two Saturdays a month.<\/p>\n
Total luxury budget:<\/p>\n
Netflix — $17.99
\nBooze\/going out with friends — $30, on average.<\/p>\nWe\u2019re up to $573.<\/p>\n
Utilities are covered by my rent, and you can still find this at the $500-range apartments around DC.\u00a0 I have elaborate plans involving the theft of electricity and avoiding a water bill, if you\u2019re interested.\u00a0 You\u2019ll read about them in another article.\u00a0 In the end, though, I\u2019m left with phone and internet.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have cable TV\u2026 In fact, my 15 year old TV is in the attic, not even hooked up to the antenna.\u00a0 I download everything I want to watch, which isn\u2019t much.\u00a0 Outside of Netflix and what DVD\u2019s I have (a big thanks again to the Greatsociety readers who got me shit from my wishlist), I write, or listen to stolen music, or read, or surf the net.\u00a0 Mostly, really, I write.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t have a landline phone.\u00a0 I just go with the cellphone, which is a $39.99 monthly bill.\u00a0 The internet, DSL, is $29.99.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re up to $643.<\/p>\n
This leaves me with my student loan payments.\u00a0 That\u2019s $167 a month which, apparently, is going nowhere.<\/p>\n
So we end with a monthly cost of living at $810.<\/p>\n
My net pay each month is \u2026\u2026..\u00a0 I lose $60 to commuter costs and 6% to my 401K (the company I work for matches that amount, so 12% goes to the 401K).\u00a0 That leaves me with $1648.\u00a0 $838 a month going directly into investments.<\/p>\n
Okay, yes, I\u2019ve made sacrifices.\u00a0 I don\u2019t eat, I live in some weird, child-like limbo, I drive a beater car that smells funny, I don\u2019t watch TV, I don\u2019t go to movies, my friends think I\u2019m deeply troubled\u2026 But, well, it\u2019s all about financial freedom.<\/p>\n
When I lived in my $1200 apartment and ate out several times a week and lived high and mighty, I was a sad little clown.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because I spent all my money and, even when I was balls deep in a legal aide or drinking single malts with a cocktail waitress, I had a feeling of vast, Saharan emptiness.<\/p>\n
Then I exiled myself.\u00a0 I started to stuff my mattress with the saved money and, you know what?\u00a0 I felt rejuvenated.\u00a0 If I wanted to cut loose and go out, I could.\u00a0 If I wanted to spend six weeks abroad, I could.\u00a0 If I wanted to just sit on the money, masturbate, and giggle, I could.\u00a0 In a material world (ooh-oop), financial freedom is all it takes to pull the scales from your eyes and see, once and for all, that you can escape the cruel arms of Lady Life and transcend to a state of grace.<\/p>\n
So, you see, fuck social security.\u00a0 8% more in my paycheck is 8% more stuffed in the mattress.\u00a0 And when I retire, I\u2019m going to do it in my 50\u2019s, because I\u2019ve had it up to here with every single one of you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Gmail cleanout part six! This article was written on the same day in February, 05, as last week\u2019s post.\u00a0 What I often do is rant in a notebook during my commute, then turn the rant into an article for the …<\/p>\n