Why do some people treat their Costco and Sam\u2019s Club membership like it\u2019s a big secret?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll say, hey, next time you go to one of those places, can I tag along and get some stuff?\u00a0 And they react as if I had just told them that I knew about their plans to launch a sneak attack in the Ardennes.\u00a0 Then, when they recover from the shock that I know about their secret, well-hidden, and not at all dominating the suburban and small town landscape stores, they backpedal.\u00a0 You don\u2019t want to shop there!\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing to buy.\u00a0 There\u2019s no real savings.\u00a0 It\u2019s all a scam.
\n<\/p>\n
Really?\u00a0 Then why are you paying for membership, assholes?<\/p>\n
They\u2019ll still flaunt it, though.\u00a0 They\u2019ll stock their pantries with sodas and mac and cheese and all manner of pre-processed, hyper-packaged foodstuffs by the truckload.\u00a0 I\u2019ve often wondered if it\u2019s possible to do one big trip to those big box stores a year and never buy groceries again.\u00a0 Get a bunch of deep freezers and just stock up for the apocalypse.\u00a0 (Because freezers will work after the apocalypse, right?)<\/p>\n
Freedom from grocery shopping would be a wonderful thing.\u00a0 I despise the chore so much that I set my alarm for 3am on Sunday mornings, then drive miles out of my way to the nearest 24 hour supermarket where I can shop in peace.\u00a0 No clerks who want to tell me how nice a day it is, no fellow shoppers who either want to engage in chit-chat or kill me because I\u2019m in line ahead of them.\u00a0 No suspicious security guards.\u00a0 That\u2019s a strange one.\u00a0 The security guards show up during the day, but they vanish after midnight.\u00a0 I guess nighttime shoppers are more trustworthy than the wage slaves.<\/p>\n
Of course, they say that most crimes\/accidents\/general evil happens between 3pm and 8pm.\u00a0 Or something like that.\u00a0 Which really drives home my idea that the truly dangerous people are my co-workers and fellow commuters.\u00a0 Zoloft-addled homicidal maniacs, driven to the tipping point by delayed trains, surly bus drivers, and the high cost of gas.<\/p>\n
Tell the truth, I never want to have to leave my apartment again.\u00a0 I know that, someday, I\u2019ll have that pleasure\u2026but I want to have it now while I\u2019m young and able to enjoy being a shut-in.\u00a0 Wake up and have that cup of coffee on the porch, watching all the idiots scurry to work.\u00a0 Then maybe drift inside to read a book, or do a few little household chores.\u00a0 On and on the day will go.\u00a0 I love household chores.\u00a0 I like cleaning, and doing the dishes.\u00a0 I love doing laundry.\u00a0 The ritual of separation \u2013 everything in its place.\u00a0 Same with the dishwasher.\u00a0 Loading it properly, then putting everything back where it belongs.<\/p>\n
I also enjoy cooking.\u00a0 Again, there\u2019s the process, the results, and the cleanup.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m fascinated by consumption.\u00a0 What\u2019s trash and what\u2019s recycled, and then taking trash and recycling out to the dumpster where I\u2019m faced with the sorting thing again.\u00a0 I love shredding personal documents and credit card solicitations.\u00a0 I save up a month\u2019s worth of stuff, then spend an hour or so just feeding it all through the shredder.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d be a very good shut-in.\u00a0 And I think shopping at Sam\u2019s Club or wherever would go a long way towards helping remove me from the rest of the human race.<\/p>\n
Someone asked me a few days back why I don\u2019t drive to work.\u00a0 Why do I bother with the unpredictable bus, and the decaying subway?\u00a0 I asked them if they were insane.\u00a0 Tangled up in that fucking traffic between my apartment and my job in the city, burning hundreds of dollars in gas a month\u2026 I\u2019d last a day, at best.\u00a0 Then, next day, stuck once again in a traffic jam, I\u2019d start tossing Molotov cocktails into the cars next to me.\u00a0 Good morning, sunshine!\u00a0 Fwooom!<\/p>\n
On the bus and train, I can just bury my head in a book and shut out the world.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been working too much.\u00a0 Day job and weekend job and personal pursuits.\u00a0 I\u2019m $2000 away from paying off the car I bought last March, and never drive except to the weekend job.\u00a0 But I moved further out into the suburbs, and the convenience of a car is just lovely. Like when I go grocery shopping at 3am.\u00a0 The car will be paid off in October, then I can scale back on the weekend job.\u00a0 I want to have my weekends back.\u00a0 To take off my clothes on a Friday evening and walk around in my boxers, unwashed, unshaved, until Monday morning.\u00a0 Drinking in the morning and talking to myself the entire time.\u00a0 Maybe pick up a hobby like growing marijuana in my second bathroom, collecting guns, or sleeping with and then abandoning fat chicks.<\/p>\n
Really, though, I need at least one 24 hour block each week where I do not see or talk to other people.\u00a0 Not even on the way to the dumpster, or on the phone, or in Gmail\u2019s chat, or an accidental encounter in the lobby, or a hello while sitting on my balcony.<\/p>\n
If I only had 500 pounds of Mac and Cheese and 1000 gallons of Gatorade, I could be a free man.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Why do some people treat their Costco and Sam\u2019s Club membership like it\u2019s a big secret? I\u2019ll say, hey, next time you go to one of those places, can I tag along and get some stuff?\u00a0 And they react as …<\/p>\n