Nacho watches Terra Nova

[nacho]

Here, I'll watch it while the phones are ringing like crazy. That means it'll take all day.

We start with "At the dawn of the 22nd Century..." Our information scroll thing playing over a very sick looking Earth.

And then the Earth 2 logo comes up and... No! Wait. Sorry...

[nacho]

Haha! Oh no! Okay...zoom down on a gritty city, our main guy is walking through the filthy hallways of his dystopian apartment complex. In he goes to his apartment through his fancy door, and his son makes his entrance -- via fire pole! So zzzzip -- thunk. Hey dad!

80 seconds in and it's already an unintentional comedy.

I hope every character enters a scene via fire pole throughout the pilot.

[nacho]

Population Control! Come to toss the apartment, as you do. I want that job. Go house to house and tear everything apart like a bunch of psychotic Nazis.

Our hero has a little girl. Against the law! She has to be hidden from the Population Control guys. Who would probably treat her better than, say, the Velociraptors we're about to meet.

[nacho]

Oh! Our guy beats up the Pop Con guys and goes to jail for two years. No more fire pole entrances! Well...not in the way he's used to.

[RottingCorpse]

This thread is awesome!

[nacho]

Meanwhile, on the Blade Runner set, giant TV screens are explaining exactly how they magically discovered time travel and what Terra Nova is.

[nacho]

Awesome! Main guy breaks out of jail...um...off camera. We next see him on a crowded subway car where he takes a razor blade, cuts open his side (and we cut to people who are passively watching him do this), and he pulls out a tracking device. Which, I guess, is the prison tracking device. I'm sure it'll all become clear.

It might behoove the future Department of Prisons to, maybe, set up their tracking devices to trip an alarm when their prisoners escape.

[nacho]

Oh, good! His wife left him a duffle bag full of money, ID's, and weapons!

She left it in a corner on the street where half the population is eeking out a miserable, homeless existence. I guess none of the 5 billion people in Chicago were like, hmmm, I wonder what's in that bag that rich, well-fed doctor just covered up with a newspaper.

[nacho]

Multipass!

[nacho]

Considering that the Terra Nova complex is, according to his son, just as high security as the prison, I guess the prison break makes sense. All our guy has to do is latch himself onto the bottom of an SUV, which drives into the complex -- and up a pedestrian hallway. Then, in front of tons of people wandering around (not to mention whoever's in the car), he rolls out from underneath and casually walks down a corridor.

[nacho]

Oh no! He's going into hyperox-something shock! We're 85 million years in the past through the Stargate and everyone's disoriented.

Also, our main guy ran through wielding a gun so he hyst gets arrested again. LOL.

Now, the big question -- the kid who was taken away by Pop Con has been in the mother's fucking backpack the whole time, and thrown all around, and is the same age as she was two years ago...and...what?

So, basically, there is NO security in the 22nd century.

Anyway, it just takes 17 minutes of prologue to get to the Land of the Lost (CGI version). Which I'm a little bit thankful for.

[nacho]

"How much trouble do you think we're in?"

What? For stowing away into the past where there's only a small colony of humans who have access to all the supplies they need while they irrevocably fuck up the timeline? None at all. Why would anyone care?

Though it would be amusing to discover that they've gone through all the trouble of building a time machine just so they can set up a prehistoric fascist dictatorship. Actually...I'm kind of rooting for that.

We're walking towards the wall of Terra Nova now. No dinosaurs yet.

Customers keep calling me and being crazy. Don't they know I'm in the middle of some gripping Fox drama!!!

[nacho]

"Do you think they'll make you serve the rest of your time?"

"I hope not. I'm not scheduled to be released for 85 million years."

Ha, ha, ha. File under: Jokes written at 3am the night before the scene was filmed.

[nacho]

"They're so white."

*cut to the clouds*

Oh! The clouds. Right. I thought you meant -- EVERYONE AT TERRA NOVA!

Oh, sorry. There is a black guy. Countdown to him being eaten by velociraptor starts....now!

[nacho]

Dinosaur! Or the sounds of one at least. And a camera-shaking explosion.

Everyone watch the black guy!

"Allosaur tripped a sonic mine!" says the guard. "Let's keep moving."

Um...okay. So, like, are we okay? No? Yes? Should we put the black guy in the front or the back?