Iowa-Bound.

[Matt]

So I just got my Housing Assignment in the mail today from UofIowa, letting me know I'll be rooming in the Honors community there (not as good as the writing community, in my opinion, but that's okay, there'll be plenty of time to transfer. Any hints/tips from you formerly collegiate superstars?

Except starr, 'cause his Alzheimer's is gonna get me all confused too.

p.s. I just noted that the " " emoticon looks like the Rebel Alliance symbol from Star Wars. Look closely.

[Tyson]

The Honors stuff can be hit or miss. Here, the Honors kids are worse than me (anti-social, boring, etc). They used to be cool years ago, but now they've lost what little reputation they had. At my friends' school in Pennsylvania, the Honors dorm is pretty cool. Lots of hot, smart babes and random cool people. They were a lot of fun to hang out with.

Whatever.

The main thing I learned is to not expect anything. Or, if anything, expect the worst. Your roommate could be a 400-lb sweaty Pokemon freak or something.

Be social. Don't obsess over being a genius or anything. Learn from my mistakes!

I'm starting over with my new major though, so that'll be cool.

What's your major?

We get to watch Matt go to college! How ever so precious.

[Matt]

One of those goddamn "English" degrees. For now. I'll check out Mass Communication/Journalism and Theatre Arts though. What I want to do now is graduate with two majors, one in English and another in Journalism and a Minor in Theatre Arts.

[jreale]

Any hints/tips from you formerly collegiate superstars?

In my day, Iowa was known as The Midwest Territory. I spent many nights  chasing redcloud and saying the phrase, "Rode hard and put away wet."  Matt, you little whipper-snapper, I'm going to send you some pictures of my Huge, Untamed Pony and explain to you exactly why you should never listen to anything else I have to say. Aloha!

[Matt]

Any hints/tips from you formerly collegiate superstars?

In my day, Iowa was known as The Midwest Territory. I spent many nights  chasing redcloud and saying the phrase, "Rode hard and put away wet."  Matt, you little whipper-snapper, I'm going to send you some pictures of my Huge, Untamed Pony and explain to you exactly why you should never listen to anything else I have to say. Aloha!

That's the biggest motherfucking OLTF ever. You win.

[nacho]

Yeah, these smilies are from the moon.

Suggestions:  

Up your loans and get a single room, if you haven't yet.

Get a larger than normal little fridge with a working freezer.  Not one of those little hole in the wall fuckers.  

Tape your door to make sure people aren't breaking in.  

Wear sandals in the shower and the bathroom and at all times everywhere.  

Learn to drink...responsibly!  But not so it looks like you're drinking responsibly.  So learn to drink crazy shit in low quantities.  This way, when you're done drinking a glass of blackberry brandy, beer and ice cream mixed together, all the hard drinkers are freaked out and worship you even if you switch to water for the rest of the night.  

Never loan anything to anybody for any reason.

Yes, the girls want to fuck you.  Yes, that's what's going on.  Yes, it's okay.

Pick your friends carefully.

Only buy pot from the fringe hippies.  The fake hippies are overcharging you.

Find the weird underground bars, not the big college town bars.

Prepare for WAR with roomies, suite mates, neighbors.  If you go into the situation ready to attack, you'll win.

Pack lightly, don't bring expensive shit.  Bare bones.  Never advertise!  

The party should never go back to your room.

Tiny microwave, hotplate and Sam's Club or Costco card.  Mac and Cheese for two months!

[Nubbins]

So I just got my Housing Assignment in the mail today from UofIowa, letting me know I'll be rooming in the Honors community there (not as good as the writing community, in my opinion, but that's okay, there'll be plenty of time to transfer. Any hints/tips from you formerly collegiate superstars?

Except starr, 'cause his Alzheimer's is gonna get me all confused too.

p.s. I just noted that the " " emoticon looks like the Rebel Alliance symbol from Star Wars. Look closely.

YAY COLLEGE!

Ahh... I remember the Frosh dorm like it was 9 years ago.  Jesus, I'm old.

What happened to me was I got a letter from the college that said that instead of one roommate, I'd be living with 2 guys in a "design triple"... that's fancy talk for "Shit, we ran out of space, so we're cramming 3 of you into a shoebox."  It was miserable.  I lived with Fats and developed a seething hatred for him our first semester.  My other roomie was a baseball playing, square who had the personality of a wooden chair.

Sheer, unadulterated misery was my first semester.  I had transfer apps out to 3 different schools (as did Fats) and was ready to get the fuck out of Dodge.  But second semester rolled around, I started working writing news for the daily paper (The Bullsheet), I got involved with the campus radio station and shit started to turn around for me.  By the end of Freshman year, Fats was my best friend (still is, actually) and I was in love with going to college.

My only advice to you would be to get involved.  Don't stagnate in your dorm room because if you do, then you'll definitely have a shitty time at college.  Get out... get drunk... have fun... remember that college is about a lot more than just academia.

Also, I was a double major... I got a BA in Psycholgy and English.  For the first 3 years of school, I skated by on a 2.6 GPA because I figured I was just in over my head at a school that was too academic for me... it turns out that I'm not stupid, I just have zero aptitude for Psychology classes.  By the time I figured that out, I was already in too deep to just ditch it, so I doubled up Senior year and finished that along with an English degree.  If you're not liking classes or the path you feel like you're on, then definitely don't hesitate to change it.

Finally, and not to go on and on like some old fogey, but I will... a Bachelor's degree is ultimately just a piece of paper that will tell your future employers that you're serious enough about being an adult that you'll spend 4 years working towards a goal.  What the degree is in or what your specialty is is ultimately pointless unless you want to be a doctor or a professor.  

Beer = Good.  

That is all.

[Tyson]

One of those goddamn "English" degrees. For now. I'll check out Mass Communication/Journalism and Theatre Arts though. What I want to do now is graduate with two majors, one in English and another in Journalism and a Minor in Theatre Arts.

Do whatever is the most fun and affords you enough time to, you know, get outside once in a while. When you graduate, not many people care what you studied. A Math major with a good art portfolio will get hired over an Art major with a bland portfolio.

Who here, of the old folk, actually has a job related to their major? RC?

Computatator Machine Sci-ance may make $70,000 starting, but I figured that these 5 years of my life aren't worth money. So hence: I'm switching majors to Graphic Design. Life will be nice. I'll draw and design in class and then, horrors, have FREE TIME to go get shitfaced and regret my life with friends.

Don't be afraid to change majors a few years in. Another $50,000 or whatever they're charging you up the ass in Iowa in loan debt is worth saving your life from the doom of a soulless existance in a life like Tyson's.

[Matt]

Yeah, these smilies are from the moon.

Suggestions:  

Learn to drink...responsibly!  But not so it looks like you're drinking responsibly.  So learn to drink crazy shit in low quantities.  This way, when you're done drinking a glass of blackberry brandy, beer and ice cream mixed together, all the hard drinkers are freaked out and worship you even if you switch to water for the rest of the night.  

See, I don't drink at all. I'm like straight-edge without being a dick about it, like most straight-edgers are. But I'll take these into consideration. I should perhaps spend the summer traveling to Canada and building up my tolerance to crazy shit.

Yes, the girls want to fuck you.  Yes, that's what's going on.  Yes, it's okay.

score.

The party should never go back to your room.

Is this so that disgruntled ex-partiers don't know where I live?

Tiny microwave, hotplate and Sam's Club or Costco card.  Mac and Cheese for two months!

I'm debating either porking up before I go there, like a bear preparing for winter, or starving myself to get accustomed to the feeling of an empty stomach. Tell me which one you think would work better, keeping in mind that I want to get laid on day 1.

[jreale]

Yeah, these smilies are from the moon.

Suggestions:  

Up your loans and get a single room, if you haven't yet.

Get a larger than normal little fridge with a working freezer.  Not one of those little hole in the wall fuckers.  

Tape your door to make sure people aren't breaking in.  

Wear sandals in the shower and the bathroom and at all times everywhere.  

Learn to drink...responsibly!  But not so it looks like you're drinking responsibly.  So learn to drink crazy shit in low quantities.  This way, when you're done drinking a glass of blackberry brandy, beer and ice cream mixed together, all the hard drinkers are freaked out and worship you even if you switch to water for the rest of the night.  

Never loan anything to anybody for any reason.

Yes, the girls want to fuck you.  Yes, that's what's going on.  Yes, it's okay.

Pick your friends carefully.

Only buy pot from the fringe hippies.  The fake hippies are overcharging you.

Find the weird underground bars, not the big college town bars.

Prepare for WAR with roomies, suite mates, neighbors.  If you go into the situation ready to attack, you'll win.

Pack lightly, don't bring expensive shit.  Bare bones.  Never advertise!  

The party should never go back to your room.

Tiny microwave, hotplate and Sam's Club or Costco card.  Mac and Cheese for two months!

Hey, these are good. In fact, one could argue that they work for life after college and beyond.

[Nubbins]

Wear sandals in the shower and the bathroom and at all times everywhere.  

Only buy pot from the fringe hippies.  The fake hippies are overcharging you.

These two should be tattooed on the insides of your eyelids.  There are few things as bad as a case of dorm initiated Athlete's Foot or an $80 bag of weed that will get 1.5 people stoned for the night.

[Tyson]

I gotta collect all these and make a fun little "The Great Society Guide To Learning Fuck-All In College".

My first writing assignment for the summer!

If I can remember to do it, that is...

[nacho]

I like how everyone's like go out and get them tiger and my advice makes me sound like an ultra-paranoid shut-in.

Uh...

Anyway, yeah, on the degree thing.  If you're doing a liberal arts degree, go into this with plans to drive right up to the top.  I'm not working with my degree, to answer Tyson's question, but I would be if I had the PhD.  Easy enough.  Liberal arts is fine, don't let them piss on you, but the MA is the new BA these days.  For example, you can teach liberal arts here in MoCo, MD and, with a Masters, rake in 60K a year.  With a PhD you're in dreamland.  Or you can hit the college level kids.  With a BA, you TURN INTO ME!

 

On drinking:  Like I say.  Straight-edge is okay, that's why I advise the light but crazy drinking.  The pressure will be insane and, eventually, you'll cave in.  Then you'll wake up behind the toilet puking blood.  So defeat them by drinking lunatic shit.  I did the blackberry brandy/beer/ice cream thing.  All I had to do was an eight once glass -- most of it beer and ice cream -- and I was a fucking hero at the hardest drinking frat.  They freaked.  So, I did drink heavily, but I never had to prove myself and no one ever forced shit on me after that.  

Don't pork up.  LEarn to go hungry.  Cheap, cheap, cheap... Save money for condoms.

[RottingCorpse]

Whoring myself.

Dr. Marty Leonard's Address to the Graduating Class of 2002 . . . er, 2005

[nacho]

The party should never go back to your room.

Is this so that disgruntled ex-partiers don't know where I live?

Once = all the time.

Eventually leading to theft.  It'll happen.