RC Boldly Goes - Star Trek TOS

[nacho]

And no Chekhov until season two, correct?

That's right.  So you get a weird season where there's always a wannabe redshirt in the navigator's chair (like Gary Mitchell).

And of course this exists.  There are others, but I love this one because you get a note about Redshirt deaths in WNMHGB and it ends with a comic line from McCoy.

[RottingCorpse]

It also struck me today that Gary Mitchell would have been a fantastic villain to bring back at some point. Though "Wrath of Gary" would have been a pretty shitty subtitle.

[nacho]

It also struck me today that Gary Mitchell would have been a fantastic villain to bring back at some point. Though "Wrath of Gary" would have been a pretty shitty subtitle.

You left me marooned at the lithium cracking plant for 15 years, Admiral Kirk! On the plus side, I really know how that place works. So, you know, if you guys are having engine trouble...

[RottingCorpse]

Okay, Okay. Maybe not.

[nacho]

Also, for god's sake, do you have anything to read, Jim?

[RottingCorpse]

The Carbomite Maneuver

While mapping stars, the Enterprise runs into a giant, glowing Rubik's Cube they can't escape from. Finally, they do the American thing and blast it out of the sky. Continuing forward, they then run into a glowing ball of white Christams lights a mile long. It's pilot is an alien named Balok that looks like a plastic dummy who tells them that the Rubik's Cube was boundary marker. Since they passed the boundary marker they're going to die in "ten Earth units known as minutes."

After a tense back and forth and an argument with Bones, Kirk bluffs Balok, telling him the Enterprise is equipped with "Carbomite" that if he destroys the Enterprise, the Carbomite will destroy Balok's ship as well. After a weird chase where they almost melt down the Enterprise's engine, Balok then invites Kirk an co. aboard his ship. Turns out he looks like a wax dummy because he IS a wax dummy. The real Balok is actually a child with the voice of a grown man. Kind of like Rick Astley, but different.

The writing was a little sloppy. We have a lot of talk about Bailey the red shirt. (He's wearing yellow, but who cares.) Bones thinks  Kirk promoted him to navigator/ensign/Chekov-chair too quick. Somebody had to replace "The Wrath of Gary," right? I don't know what you had to do to get promoted in the early days of the Enterprise, but Bailey is about as competent as dryer lint. He panics at the slightest hiccup then gets all edgy with Spock when he berates Bailey for panicking. The he freezes up when it's time to fire phasers at the Rubik's cube after screaming at Kirk to use phasers against it when Kirk wanted a more measured approach. Fuck, Sulu ends up reaching over and doing his job half the time.

Anyway with three minutes left before they all die, Bones shows up to berate Kirk about Bailey. I mean talk about bad timing! Yes, it ultimately leads to Kirk's having the idea to bluff Balok, but that's the best plot device the writer's could think of?

Sulu: "Three minutes until we all die, Captain."

Bones: "Yeah, so about Bailey. I mean, he's really not working out. I'm going to have to log this in with the Federation"

Kirk: "These are your priorities? Does that mean if I ever get impaled by a harpoon, you're going to treat my athlete's foot first, you fucking quack?"

Bones: "I'm turning in a report, Jim. And I don't bluff."

Kirk: "Bones, there are more important-- Wait a minute. BLUFF!"

Star Trek Writers: "We're going to win an Emmy!"

Look for: Shirtless Kirk, Uhura in yellow saying about three lines, Spock says "fascinating," Sulu smouldering at the camera in a way that should surprise nobody he came out of the closet, young Jason Voorhees as Balok.

[RottingCorpse]

Mudd's Women

The Enterprise comes upon a small, damaged space freighter. Realizing it's stolen, they pursue it into an asteroid field where it suffers critical damage. Before the ship is destroyed, Kirk orders the crew beamed aboard. The ship's captain is Harcourt Mudd (initially giving a fake name) a petty smuggler with a long Federation rap sheet. His "crew" as it were are three smoking hot ladies in 60s era evening gowns. Groovy baby!

The male members of the Enterprise crew go insane over these ladies, so much so that Kirk asks Spock if he thinks they're aliens. (Because he's a Vulcan, Spock is immune to the ladies' charm. Sulu is also unaffected for reasons nobody quite fully grasped in the 60s.) Bones gets weird medical readings on his health monitor thingy from one, and Scotty gets weird readings in his pants from another.

The third gets all weepy on Kirk after sneaking into the Captain's quarters. Let me tell you, nothing kills a boner quicker than a crying girl. "What?! You're crying? Come on, I'm trying to bust a nut here! Great, you love me. You're crying because you're happy? WTF?!"

I'm sorry. Did I go off topic?

We soon discover that these three fine-assed women are actually "GASP" women in their 30s with no make-up!!! Without taking these weird crystal pills, they're supposed to be ugly hags, but I don't think I'd kick any of them out of bed as long as they chilled out with the fucking crying. Mudd it seems is adding "Supafly Pimp" to his already lengthy resume. It turns out these ladies are to be the wives of settlers on some backwater planet.

HOWEVER, the Enterprise was damaged rescuing Mudd and his ladies, and they're down to one "lithium" crystal. Thankfully, a lithium mine manned by only three dudes is only two days away. What do you think is going to happen?

(A side note, those three guys had been at that mine for "years" with no women. I'm taking odds that somebody fucked somebody else in the ass during that time. . . . I got off topic again didn't I?)

So Mudd calls ahead and tells the miner he's got three women for him. Once they're in orbit around the planet, the head miner is beamed aboard and basically gives Kirk an ultimatum: "Give us the women or no lithium crystals for you." Kirk is like "fuck off," but since the Enterprise is hours away from running out of power and falling out of orbit to a fiery death, he ends up being forced to let Mudd and the ladies go down to the planet.

Once down there, the crying lady runs into a dust storm. One of the miners follow. They spend the night in some hide out. The next morning, as her beauty fades the miner doesn't want her. Kirk and Mudd show up, and give her the crystal pills. She's beautiful again. The kicker is that Kirk gave her a placebo. See? Her beauty came from within.  Brings tears to my eyes. (There goes my boner.) The miners give them the lithium crystals. Roll credits.

I actually kind of liked this episode quite a bit. Does that make you happy? It does? Good, can we--

NO! Stop crying!

[RottingCorpse]

Missus RC update:

Missus RC has been watching these episodes with me on a trial basis. She quite enjoyed The Cage, but was little put off by Where No Man Has Gone Before.  She actively disliked the Carbomite Maneuver stating, "If these don't start getting better, you're going to be on your own watching these." Who knew she'd be a Pike fan? Mudd's Women seemed to satisfy her, and I'm happy there's a level of higher quality (or at least more well known) shows coming up.

[nacho]

I hate all the Mudd episodes. But, yes, you have some good ones for tonight.  Well, except the Man Trap. I neeed ssaaaalttt...!!!  WOAH!  SCARY!

[nacho]

Haha!  Rewatching The Enemy Within now -- where Kirk is cloned by a transporter accident so there's good Kirk and bad Kirk (it's also the first episode where Kirk, um, Kirks out.)

Evil Kirk's first line, stumbling into sick bay, is "Saurian Brandy!" He barks the order at a perplexed McCoy, then does this emo wall-leaning pose.

And I plan to do exactly that on Friday night when I walk into RC's house.

"I SAID GIVE ME THE BRANDY!"  (McCoy silently complies, and Kirk stalks out with this giant ornate bottle that's just sitting there in a cabinet in sick bay.)

[RottingCorpse]

See I can't watch without the Missus otherwise I'd watch all three episodes you put up for me this afternoon.

[nacho]

See I can't watch without the Missus otherwise I'd watch all three episodes you put up for me this afternoon.

Then, when she got home, you'd scream at her to give you brandy and beat her up.

[RottingCorpse]

The Enemy Within

Hands down this is the best overall episode I've watched so far.

Kirk, Sulu, and the red shirts are down on this rocky planet that looks very familiar to all the other rocky planets they've been on. They're collecting specimens which include a shaggy terrier dog with a unicorn horn. Red Shirt #3452-F6 aka Fisher falls down, cuts his hand open,  and gets some weird yellow ore on his clothes. Kirk has him beamed back to the Enterprise, only Scotty has trouble getting him through the transporter.

(It was at this point Missus RC blurted out, "If they ever invent a transporter, I'm not getting in it because the damned thing never works!")

Kirk follows shortly after, but comes through all dizzy. Scotty helps him to his quarters and while the transporter room is empty another Kirk beams through! This Kirk is all shifty-eyed like he just shoplifted something from Macy's and is trying to get past the security guard.

Over is sick bay, Bones is finishing up with Fisher the Red Shirt. Shoplifter Kirk comes in and demands "Saurian Brandy" as if he's been hitting the bottle since about 8am. Bones, thoroughly confused hesitate and almost gets a Wino James T. Kirk whoop ass laid on him. He gives him the bottle.

At the behest of Bones, Spock goes to see the real Kirk who's been napping through all this and tells him he's being a dick. Kirk tells Spock that  Bones is playing a trick on him. At this point, Scotty calls them to the transporter room and shows them two unicorn horn dogs. One is docile. The other is sort of, I don't know, totally evil.

Scotty shuts down the transporter to fix it which REALLY sucks for Sulu and the Red Shirts. As it turns nightfall, the temperature on this familiar looking rocky planet drops to 175 degrees below zero.

Meanwhile, Wino Kirk heads over to Yeoman Rand's room, lays down some trash talk about "their true feeling for each other" then attempts to rape her. Rand is either sober or lucky enough to fend him off and scratch his face. Aha! Now we can tell Date Rape Kirk from the REAL Kirk! Too bad Date Rape Kirk beats the shit out Red Shirt the Fisher and steals his phaser.

Speaking of the real Kirk, he's having trouble thinking straight, making decisions, and being anything more than a stoned whiner.  Having figured out there's an imposter on board, Spock gets the crew looking for him. Eventually, they corner Armed & Dangerous Kirk in Engineering and after a tense back and forth with real Kirk: Vulcan Neck Pinch! Who's a badass mutha-Vulcan?

Sulu is still freezing his ass off despite using his phaser to heat up rocks  (which I thought was a pretty cool idea) and man-bagging with the Red shirts.

Sulu: "We have to stay close to keep warm! You,  put your hands down my pants."

Red Shirt #8765-R8: "What?"

Sulu: "It'll keep your warm. My phaser will warm up your rocks, if you know what I mean."

Real Kirk is deteriorating rapidly. Turns out that the transporter accident didn't create a new Kirk. It split Kirk into two beings. One who is Rational, intelligent, yet indecisive. The other is a shoplifting, drunken, weapon carrying, date rapist. Talk about your dark side. They have to merge them back together to form Devestator, the most powerful Decepticon! Only they test it with the dogs which while coming back through remerged also come back stone dead.

It's at this point, Bones first utters his trademark line, "He's dead, Jim."

Kirk has a choice to make. Take a chance on dying or take more time to do it right and Sulu and the Red shirts freeze to death in man bag ecstasy. He's obviously not thinking straight because he decides to release Evil Kirk who over powers him and scratches his face. Oh no! Now we can't tell them apart.

Evil Kirk goes to the bridge and orders them to leave Sulu and the Red Shirts behind. Then Spock and Bones show up with Real Kirk OR IS IT!?!?!?!? The Kirks confront each other. Evil Kirk has a meltdown, Good Kirk is stoned. They realize they need each other. Back to the transporter room and the Twilight and Let the Right One In threads are merged!!! Even though they seem completely different, they can't exist without each other!

Sulu and the Popsicles are saved. Kirk accepts his duality. Saurian Brandy for everyone. (Except Yeoman Rand. Drunk bitch.)

[nacho]

Rand was never sober! Which is probably why she goes right to slutty when evil Kirk fades out of the shadows of her bedroom.  "Oh!  Captain!" (unsurprised) "I didn't see you there lurking in the bedroom of my private quarters!" (tee-hee)

Don't you love how Fisher is everywhere?  What, did he check into sick bay three times that day?  What's his medical chart look like?  "Fell off a cliff, assault and battery head trauma, 13 unknown diseases, attacked by rabid cat..."

[Reginald McGraw]

This is great RC!