I've spent $10,000 on this fucking film.
Okay, maybe I haven't actually spent that money. A goodly portion of that sum is racked up on various credit cards whose balances mysteriously find themselves being transferred time and again. The stack of bills on my coffee table never seems to shrink. I pay three and five more appear.
My day job sucks. I've been slacking off something serious lately too. But it's not just, "This job eats my soul," "The man and his system brings me down" slacking off. I've been using my work hours to mail press kits, call screening organizers, submit to film festivals.
And you know what, I'm fucking happier than I've ever been in my life.
Sure, I'm broke (and we're talking "in debt up to my ears" dead broke), but it's juts a whisper in the back of my mind. For the first time in years, I feel like I've actually accomplished something worthwhile. I have a purpose, a title. When someone asks, "What are you up to these days?" I have a fucking answer that I'm proud of.
I have a beautiful wife who loves me and trusts me and helps me. She's sacrificed her own dreams and time to help me make mine real and worth something. That's a truly awesome thing, man.
You know, when Nacho first started this thing out, there was an air of hope to it. Then that got lost for awhile while he and I and Blue and Yotoc all drifted into darker waters. But we've kind of rebounded into a different place, and I think a lot of it has to do with the folks that have come here to share and laugh and be.
We all struggle. Today, I feel great (probably because I've drank an entire bottle of Chambourcin). But the cycle will swing back around and the path will become lost but for the trees and the haze and the demons in the dark. Yet I have no fear because I know that darkness can't exist without light.
But when I come here, whether I'm happy or sad, I'm lifted up. Whether it's Nubbins incredible adventures in a world full of sensation and speed. Or Tyson's quest to find the meaning through art and creation and the inherent confusion that comes with it. Or Cass's mellow resolve that ebbs and flows with his frequent (or infrequent) appearances. Monkey's hamhanded put ons tempered with humor and hope often pull me through my own dark times. Jody's quick wit and unbelievable ability to take all this testosterone in stride reminds me to take my own hardships in stride. Matt's fast tongue and strong opinions keep my own insecurities at bay. Yotoc's exquisite care for the structure and hard work at keeping it all running inspires me. Queenie's wonder and awe that always seems tinged with a smile makes me remember I'm still young not growing old. Nacho friendship and support is reassuring.
It really is a Great Society we have here, and I hope we'll continue to laugh, rage, and grow. Let's not be afraid to criticize the world around us and each other. Let's always remember to keep it fun, but not shallow.
Most of all, let's keep this a place where I'm not afraid to let a moment of truth slip out, even though I might be hounded mercifully as a homo the next day.
So, in short, in conclusion, and in my pants . . . this site rules.
