I hereby announce that I am running for President of the United States in 2008 under the name RC, though that's not my legal name.
I have no money to run a campaign with. However, I believe with the help of this thing called the "internet," I can get the word out. Hell, if millions of people watched the "Star Wars kid," I can surely get the word out that I'm running for fucking President of the United States.
I do have a platform, but first a few ground rules, if you will. By this, I mean certain things you know you're going to get if you vote for me.
1. Should anyone want to give me money to campaign with, I will gladly take it. However, don't think it will get you any favors once I'm elected. I will refuse to be bought because I haven't yet figured out a way to take money with me after I die. If you happen to know of a way to do it AND you know that money is actually worth something in whatever afterlife exists, let me know. Then, MAYBE you'll get a favor once I'm elected.
2. I won't be wearing a suit unless I'm going to a wedding or a funeral.
3. I don't go to church and I'll probably drink on a Tuesday night. Hell, I might even drink on a Tuesday morning depending on what religions are killing each other when I wake up that particular day.
4. As far as my past goes, let me sum up:
-Yes, I did drugs. I don't remember the names of all of them, but it's a good chance that if it's grown in South America, I either smoked it, snorted it, or shot it up at least once. I don't do drugs anymore. However, if elected I'll legalize pot and tax the shit out of it. Seriously. Potheads will be paying so much, they'll wish it was illegal again.
-I fucked a lot of women before I was married. Some of them I loved. Most I didn't. I'm faithful to my wife and will continue to do so as long as I keep getting laid on a regular basis.
-There's a ton of pictures of me out in the world in compromising positions. Fell free to dig them up as I haven't seen most of them, and hope they're as funny as I hoped they were while I was posing for them.
5. I'm not perfect. I'm human, just like you.
6. I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes too fast.
Okay, here's my platform. These are the things I'll try to do if elected.:
Foreign policy:
I'll talk to anybody: Iran, North Korea, al Qaeda, Satan, anybody. Diplomacy will always be the first answer. If someone blows up a skyscraper and kills a bunch of people, I'll go to the people who did it and ask them why. I'll ask them if there's anything I can do to curb their anger. If their answer is "Kill the Jews," I'll tell them I can't do that. Then I'll try to figure out why they hate the Jews. I'll try to get everybody to talk about why they feel the way they do. I see that you're laughing, but really, think about it: Nobody's tried it, so how do we know it won't work?
The Economy:
Companies that hire U.S workers get buku tax breaks.
Minimum raise gets raised.
Teachers will get paid more than Senators.
Anybody who works in a job where another human being benefits gets a break on their taxes.
Social Issues:
What you do behind closed doors is your business.
Only people who truly love each other AND CAN PROVE IT, will be allowed to get married. Gender and sexual orientation will have no bearing.
I will pass no law restricting abortion. Instead I will completely overhaul sex education in U.S. schools making sure that birth control is extensively covered.
Immigration:
Any person who is here illegally and being a contributing member to society will be allowed to work towards becoming a citizen with no penalty.
Any person who is here illegally and committing crimes will be shot on sight.
The Environment:
Companies who work towards developing new (non-fossil fuel) energy sources will be 100% tax exempt for two years. However at the end of that year, they had best have something to show for it or they'll owe the two year's worth of back taxes.
Recycling will pay. Something like a penny for every can and bottle, and a penny for every twenty sheets of newspaper.
Littering will be a minimum of five years in jail.
Finally, I will not actively run for re-election. That doesn't mean I won't serve another term if people want me to. It simply means that I'll let my record be my re-election campaign. While other politicians are busting their ass to get re-elected, I'll simply keep working.
So, vote for me. I like cats. I believe that we can all live together peacefully and work towards colonizing outer space, which really should be the goal we're all focused on, especially if there are no companies who take me up on that two year tax exemption.
Plus, I'm rad. Really.
I'll take your questions now.
