Iowa-Bound.

[Matt]

Don't pork up.  lEarn to go hungry.  Cheap, cheap, cheap... Save money for condoms.

Fucking hate condoms. They're useful, I agree, but they're horrible. Having sex with a condom was like discovering the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Holocaust weren't real, all at once.

And I'm mastering the fine art of not spending money on food and just cleaning up the leftovers that people don't want. I've gone to numerous after-play dinners at restaurants and cleaned up a table when people don't eat what they order. The best is when you hit up the hot skinny girls for food, because then you make conversation, flirt, and eat their food for free all at once. edit: and you know they'll have food because they're hot and skinny and will order $5 worth of food, eating only $2.50. If that.

[RottingCorpse]

The party should never go back to your room.

Once = all the time.

Eventually leading to theft.  It'll happen.

Nacho doesn't know what he's talking about. ALWAYS bring the party back to your room. If you have anything of any value in your room, you're moron. Theft shouldn't even be a concern.

Drunk chicks pass out in the last party room.

[nacho]

Fucking hate condoms. They're useful, I agree, but they're horrible. Having sex with a condom was like discovering the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Holocaust weren't real, all at once.

I'm with you, baby. All the way.  I'd rather go without sex. (Here at 31, where I'm tired of it all.)

But you'll be in the casual sex breeding ground of horror at first.  Once you score yourself a steady girl, you can switch out.  But for those early forays with drunk girls...holy shit, man.  They're crawling with shit.

And I'm mastering the fine art of not spending money on food and just cleaning up the leftovers that people don't want. I've gone to numerous after-play dinners at restaurants and cleaned up a table when people don't eat what they order. The best is when you hit up the hot skinny girls for food, because then you make conversation, flirt, and eat their food for free all at once.

On the food plan?  Fill up a jug of soda and steal a loaf of bread.  That used to last me three days.

[nacho]

Drunk chicks pass out in the last party room.

Oh, come on, at U Iowa?  It won't matter.  He'll have to beat the drunk chicks off with a stick.

[jreale]

keeping in mind that I want to get laid on day 1.

Just like you don't always want to buy what's on the sale rack outside the store, doing somebody on day 1 is trouble. If you wait for a minute, look around, think it through, you'll find that the quality and quantity improves after a week or two. The last thing you want is to end up right ways tethered to some girl who you should have saved for the I'm-drunk-and-desperate phone call at 3 am the night before Thanksgiving break.

[Matt]

keeping in mind that I want to get laid on day 1.

Just like you don't always want to buy what's on the sale rack outside the store, doing somebody on day 1 is trouble. If you wait for a minute, look around, think it through, you'll find that the quality and quantity improves after a week or two. The last thing you want is to end up right ways tethered to some girl who you should have saved for the I'm-drunk-and-desperate phone call at 3 am the night before Thanksgiving break.

Yeah, point. I was being facetious anyways with the "day 1" talk. I'm a patient person, for the most part. And I have kind-of high standards when it comes to doing stuff with people.

I wonder if this thread should expand and branch out the "bad sexual stories" area.

[nacho]

Remember this rule:  Never fuck the incoming freshmen girls in the first semester.  They want daddy.  Aim higher.  The established girls.

Now, a year from now, the rule changes.  Who is, I say, your daddy?

[Matt]

okay, because someone prompted me to do this, I'm bored, and I like laughing at myself, here's some funny shit:

I made out with a girl once. Her name was Dianne. She really wanted a piece of me, and my hormones were like "well, okay." This was before I realized I had the horrible habit of making out with someone then never talking to them ever again. Which I haven't, really, with Dianne. I don't even want to tell her I'm going out with someone else. This even occurred two weeks, I think, after I ended up breaking up with Katelynn, a girl I dated for two weeks. So, me, being the fucking smooth operator that I am, drive down to Ford Field, a pretty much "fucking duh" place where you park your car and mess around and do shit. While giving me a pretty bad handjob, I came, she cleaned up with a rag I had lying underneath the driver's seat. For road emergencies, it's good to have a rag you can just clean up with.

Or when you're making out with someone you don't know that well.

Now, a favorite pastime of people in Dearborn, besides coming down to Ford Field to fuck, is coming down to fuck with those who fuck. You flip on your headlights on a parked car and watch the couple freak out. Me and my friend have done it plenty of times when we're bored with nothing to do on a Saturday night (the most recent girl I'm going out with, Jenny, who is a keeper, is a rarity. I'm usually single).

Anyway, all of a sudden lights go on. I figure, hey, probably someone fucking with us. Only the lights stay on. And it's the cops, coming over to check her age, my driver's license, and informing us that we should get a room and that the park was closed at 10:00 PM. I drove her home after that. It was pretty embarrassing, because she didn't impress me at all. That's a pretty jackass thing to do, but we haven't made out since. Two weeks after this, I asked Jenny out to the movies and now I'm pretty happy with her. But . . .

The rag.

Well, it was chucked under the seat again. Only, a couple days later, the inside of my car was all frosted over and shit. People, if you have a shitty car, you know what it's like. I'm dirt-ass poor, maybe 'cause I spend a shitload of money on books. But that's besides the fucking point, because as I'm wiping off the windshield with the rag I realize that my window isn't so foggy but it's still pretty dirty.

A couple days later, experimenting at this new-found filth on my windshield, I wiped it with my fingers alone and it came off clean. So apparantly I was wiping my own windshield with my own semen.

I realized this the very night I took Jenny out to see Sideways. Not before.

And then she told me her dad was a cop, on the way home. I totally lucked out though, he wasn't one of the guys that busted me.

(this happened like, January, February, I forget when).

[jreale]

Remember this rule:  Never fuck the incoming freshmen girls in the first semester.  They want daddy.  Aim higher.  The established girls.

Now, a year from now, the rule changes.  Who is, I say, your daddy?

.

I disagree. Do you think the freshman girls are any different that the guys? They're dying to finally get freaky without worrying about whether Daddy will hear them over "Law and Order."

[nacho]

So cum works on windshields?  Because, if so...

Nothing helps the Acura.  I tried Rain-X, no luck. I'm open to ideas.

[nacho]

I disagree. Do you think the freshman girls are any different that the guys? They're dying to finally get freaky without worrying about whether Daddy will hear them over "Law and Order."

I found that they didn't get freaky till the second semester.  Maybe I was hanging out with the wrong girls.  

Either way, Matt's hanging out with policemen's daughters.  That's something I would never do.

"Would you like to meet my parents?"

OH GOD NO!!

[Matt]

No, see, it doesn't work. You get this translucent thing all over the windshield. It's like creamy dust. I can't get my windows clean. Ever. I don't know if it's psychological or the age of the windows or what, but they're never clean enough.

[Matt]

I disagree. Do you think the freshman girls are any different that the guys? They're dying to finally get freaky without worrying about whether Daddy will hear them over "Law and Order."

I found that they didn't get freaky till the second semester.  Maybe I was hanging out with the wrong girls.  

Either way, Matt's hanging out with policemen's daughters.  That's something I would never do.

"Would you like to meet my parents?"

OH GOD NO!!

Not only hanging out with them, but having sex with them in cars on Easter Sunday. And her parents are Catholic.

[nacho]

creamy dust.

You win the phrase of the day!

[Nubbins]

Nacho doesn't know what he's talking about. ALWAYS bring the party back to your room. If you have anything of any value in your room, you're moron. Theft shouldn't even be a concern.

Drunk chicks pass out in the last party room.

Amen, RC!  The best parties I ever went to were the ones we threw in our rooms Senior year.  They were spectacular... I even have some videos.

We once had a beer pong tourney that involved 4 rooms, 6 pong tables and was BYOB... I think roughly half the campus came and at the largest count, we had over 500 beers.  It honestly brings a tear to my eye.

One thing I'm afraid of though is that I'll be one of those washed-up shmucks who still wears his high school football letter jacket and won't shut up about the year he went to State... only I'll be talking about the year we drank beer from nothing but funnels.  Oh god.