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Osama's New Tape (With 90% More RC)


Osama with RC Commentary!

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The following is the full text of a new audiotape from al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden. Parts of the tape were aired on Al-Jazeera television, which published the entire version on its Web site. The text was translated from the Arabic by The Associated Press.

Bin Laden appears to be addressing the American people:

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---My message to you is about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and how to end them. I did not intend to speak to you about this because this issue has already been decided.
--- End quote ---

Oh good. We'll just leave then.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---Only metal breaks metal,
--- End quote ---

Not true. I knew this one guy who would get drunk and chew beer cans.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---and our situation, thank God, is only getting better and better, while your situation is the opposite of that.

But I plan to speak about the repeated errors your President Bush has committed in comments on the results of your polls that show an overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq.
--- End quote ---

Been hitting the sauce again, eh Osama?

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---But he (Bush) has opposed this wish and said that withdrawing troops sends the wrong message to opponents, that it is better to fight them (bin Laden's followers) on their land than their fighting us (Americans) on our land.
--- End quote ---

*This land is your land . . . this land is my land . . . from Sadr City to Afghan-ISS-Stan . . .*

"Everybody! In Arabic!"

*Ahk eb it yul tehn . . .*

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---I can reply to these errors by saying that war in Iraq is raging with no let-up, and operations in Afghanistan are escalating in our favor, thank God, and Pentagon figures show the number of your dead and wounded is increasing not to mention the massive material losses, the destruction of the soldiers' morale there and the rise in cases of suicide among them.
--- End quote ---

President Bush would like to have a federal investigation into exactly who leaked those figures to Osama Bin Laden. Oh never mind, he'll listen to the taped phone calls and find out himself.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---So you can imagine the state of psychological breakdown that afflicts a soldier as he gathers the remains of his colleagues after they stepped on land mines that tore them apart.
--- End quote ---

"Wow. Johnson had some freaky toes. No seriously. Look at those things. They're like reverse opposable in three places. Hey Sarge! Did you realize Johnson's toes were really fucked up? Maybe we should pick up that other guy's foot and send it back to wherever he's from. Illinois? Fuck. Remind me not to drink the water next time I'm in Chicago."

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---After this situation the soldier is caught between two hard options. He either refuses to leave his military camp on patrols and is therefore dogged by ruthless punishments enacted by the Vietnam Butcher (U.S. army) or he gets destroyed by the mines.
--- End quote ---

So, maybe its just me, but I think if the military started saying, "Join the Vietnam Butcher," enlistment would skyrocket.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---This puts him under psychological pressure, fear and humiliation while his nation is ignorant of that (what is going on). The soldier has no solution except to commit suicide.
--- End quote ---

I think I've figured out the problem. Bin Laden is depressed. I mean, Christ! The guy is constantly talking about suicide. He tells to people to go blow themselves up. He's obsessed with U.S. Soldiers killing themselves. Fuck Predator missiles. We need to drop some Dr. Phil books in Pakistan. Osama really needs a hug.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---That is a strong message to you, written by his soul, blood and pain, to save what can be saved from this hell. The solution is in your hands if you care about them (the soldiers).

The news of our brother mujahideen (holy warriors) is different from what the Pentagon publishes. They (the news of mujahideen) and what the media report is the truth of what is happening on the ground. And what deepens the doubt over the White House's information is the fact that it targets the media reporting the truth from the ground. And it has appeared lately, supported by documents, that the butcher of freedom in the world (Bush) had decided to bomb the headquarters of the Al-Jazeera in Qatar after bombing its offices in Kabul and Baghdad.
--- End quote ---

"Right as the new seasons of American Idol and 24 start too! And you say Bush isn't torturing people!"

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---On another issue, jihad (holy war) is ongoing, thank God, despite all the oppressive measures adopted by the U.S Army and its agents (which is) to a point where there is no difference between this criminality and Saddam's criminality, as it has reached the degree of raping women and taking them as hostages instead of their husbands.
--- End quote ---

I have been wondering if Baghdad will eventually become like Saigon with hookers, gambling, and opium everywhere. You know, you can walk in to some seedy bar and find people placing bets while Christopher Walken is playing Russian Roulette in the basement.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---As for torturing men, they have used burning chemical acids and drills on their joints. And when they give up on (interrogating) them, they sometimes use the drills on their heads until they die. Read, if you will, the reports of the horrors in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo prisons.
--- End quote ---

"And they stole that from Saw II. They can't even be original."

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---And I say that, despite all the barbaric methods, they have not broken the fierceness of the resistance. The mujahideen, thank God, are increasing in number and strength — so much so that reports point to the ultimate failure and defeat of the unlucky quartet of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz.
--- End quote ---


--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---Declaring this defeat is just a matter of time, depending partly on how much the American people know of the size of this tragedy. The sensible people realize that Bush does not have a plan to make his alleged victory in Iraq come true.
--- End quote ---

Wow. Bush has no plan? Genius. Brilliant. Fucking brain surgeon you are, Osama.


--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---And if you compare the small number of dead on the day that Bush announced the end of major operations in that fake, ridiculous show aboard the aircraft carrier with the tenfold number of dead and wounded who were killed in the smaller operations, you would know the truth of what I say. This is that Bush and his administration do not have the will or the ability to get out of Iraq for their own private, suspect reasons.
--- End quote ---

There's a theatre there where Bush wants to watch a triple feature of Brokeback Mountain, Anal Pool Boys, and Herbie: Fully Loaded.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---And so to return to the issue, I say that results of polls please those who are sensible, and Bush's opposition to them is a mistake. The reality shows that the war against America and its allies has not been limited to Iraq as he (Bush) claims. Iraq has become a point of attraction and restorer of (our) energies.
--- End quote ---

I could make a joke here, or I could get myself thrown on an FBI watch list by saying that Osama kind of has a point. The Iraq operation has been like driving gasoline trucks into an inferno.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---At the same time, the mujahideen (holy warriors), with God's grace, have managed repeatedly to penetrate all security measures adopted by the unjust allied countries. The proof of that is the explosions you have seen in the capitals of the European nations who are in this aggressive coalition. The delay in similar operations happening in America has not been because of failure to break through your security measures. The operations are under preparation and you will see them in your homes the minute they are through (with preparations), with God's permission.
--- End quote ---

"Because we're starting our own cable network: Terror TV!

"Tonight at 8:00, Mustapha bakes an apple strudel then blows himself up on "Cooking with C-4!" Then at 9:00, it's a laugh a minute as Khalid and the whole gang cut off the kidnap victim's head before filming the ransom video on "Fast Asleeper Cell." Finally at 10:00, it's a very special episode of "Burka" featuring Michael J. Fox."

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---Based on what has been said, this shows the errors of Bush's statement — the one that slipped from him — which is at the heart of polls calling for withdrawing the troops. It is better that we (Americans) don't fight Muslims on their lands and that they don't fight us on ours.
--- End quote ---

Just like Roosevelt said, "The important thing we should always fear is the fear that we shall always fear."

Or was that Wolfowitz?

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---We don't mind offering you a long-term truce on fair conditions that we adhere to. We are a nation that God has forbidden to lie and cheat. So both sides can enjoy security and stability under this truce so we can build Iraq and Afghanistan, which have been destroyed in this war. There is no shame in this solution, which prevents the wasting of billions of dollars that have gone to those with influence and merchants of war in America who have supported Bush's election campaign with billions of dollars — which lets us understand the insistence by Bush and his gang to carry on with war.
--- End quote ---

"We still plan to drop Anthrax in your water, but if you could let up on the ass-kicking for a month or two until we get back on our feet, that would be great."

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---If you (Americans) are sincere in your desire for peace and security, we have answered you.  And if Bush decides to carry on with his lies and oppression, then it would be useful for you to read the book "Rogue State," which states in its introduction: "If I were president, I would stop the attacks on the United States: First I would give an apology to all the widows and orphans and those who were tortured. Then I would announce that American interference in the nations of the world has ended once and for all."
--- End quote ---


--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---Finally, I say that war will go either in our favor or yours.
--- End quote ---

Really?!? The fucking brain on this guy is amazing. He must have aced Poly Sci.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---If it is the former, it means your loss and your shame forever, and it is headed in this course. If it is the latter, read history! We are people who do not stand for injustice and we will seek revenge all our lives. The nights and days will not pass without us taking vengeance like on Sept. 11, God permitting.
--- End quote ---

"If you lose, suck it up. But if we lose . . .  well . . .  um . . . you'll be sorry!"

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---Your minds will be troubled and your lives embittered. As for us, we have nothing to lose. A swimmer in the ocean does not fear the rain.
--- End quote ---

No, just sharks.

--- Quote from: Osama Bin Laden ---You have occupied our lands, offended our honor and dignity and let out our blood and stolen our money and destroyed our houses and played with our security and we will give you the same treatment.

You have tried to prevent us from leading a dignified life, but you will not be able to prevent us from a dignified death. Failing to carry out jihad, which is called for in our religion, is a sin. The best death to us is under the shadows of swords. Don't let your strength and modern arms fool you. They win a few battles but lose the war. Patience and steadfastness are much better. We were patient in fighting the Soviet Union with simple weapons for 10 years and we bled their economy and now they are nothing.

In that there is a lesson for you.
--- End quote ---

Okay, so that last little bit was kind of creepy. Figures, Osama would end it on a down note.

Bin Laden's fucking crazy.  I predict one of two different things happening relatively soon.

1.) We kill/capture him.  Most of his messages in the past have seemed more direct and brief.  i.e. "Get the fuck out or we fuck you up."  This one is kind of disjointed and all over the place.  I love how he's suddenly this encyclopedia of knowledge from his little hole without electricity or running water.  As if crapping in an outhouse unable to read (or watch) any kind of daily report as to goings on with the war somehow makes him more informed about the situation.  What a fucking looney.

2.) There is a coordinated Al Quaeda splinter cell attack here on our home soil.  I was talking about this with a friend today... it's been quite a while since 9/11/01... it wouldn't surprise me if there were a rash of suicide bombings over the period of a day or a week in some public places in this country.  The thing with those is that they're fairly unpredictable and the toll they take on infrastructure and even human life is relatively insignificant.  10 suicide bombs in malls and public landmarks over the period of a day and every single person in this country will be afraid to go outside.

I wish fucking Terrorxchange was still active!  Gah!

I like the whole "the polls are opposed to Bush and he's fucking the people over" thing, suggesting that we're somehow a silent majority allied with him.  Then he goes on to saying he's going to blow us the fuck up.  Let's see... The enemy of my enemy is my...ENEMY!  EVERYONE'S MY ENEMY!!!


--- Quote from: Nubbins on January 19, 2006, 08:50:33 PM ---

it wouldn't surprise me if there were a rash of suicide bombings over the period of a day or a week in some public places in this country.

--- End quote ---

You know, I'm fucking ready.  I can't stand one more day of news saying the comet full of chattering Islamic bird flu sufferers is just 10 feet from my house and.... It's Richard Roundtree's birthday, and now on to Susan Tate who will deliver her report from the Starbucks on Linden Lane.  Susan.

Thank you, Tom.  Today, I'm reporting on sugar packets.  Just look at these little guys, they're --


--just the cutest things.  I like to open sugar packets from left to right, starting


There!  Now, it's important to tip the sugar packet

Seriously... this may be borderline fucked up to say, but it seems like it would almost be better for us as a country if something catastrophic happened because at least we could then unite in a huge majority and move this quagmire in some kind of direction towards completion.

This hanging around in limbo shit sucks.... and it's actually really fucked up if you think about it.  Alternating between stories like suicide bombing and what Brad and Angelina had for lunch today just seems psychologically fucked up to me.  It just can't be good for us.


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