The New Testicle VII: The Trip, conclusion
And…finally over! Unedited and drunkenly posted. Yay!
When he first played his dulcimer, there came hail and fire mixed with blood. He hurled his nasty discharge down to Earth. A third of the land was destroyed, and everything alive wilted away into ash.
When the second dulcimer played, a huge meteor fell from the heavens and destroyed a third of the sea; thus, a third of the fish and a third of the boats and a third of the water and a third helping of marmalade, please. Thank you.
When the third dulcimer played (I recognized the tune as ‘Luckyman’), a star came from the heavens and smashed into the land – turning the water into Wormwood. A third of the water was poisoned which killed a third of the people who were third in line to drink it.
When the fourth dulcimer played, a third of the sun, moon, and stars (but wait, the stars plummeted to Earth earlier on! A-ha! You have just found a very obvious contradiction! Give yourself a pat on the back.) So the day lost a third of its light, as did the night (duh!).
When the fifth dulcimer played, locusts rose up. Now, remember, even through this mass destruction, the land remained untouched. For the grass, trees, and other vegetation – as well as the animals – that had been brutally slaughtered by this apocalypse had survived. I mean, they died…but they didn’t. Just people died. And animals. No animals died. Even though a bunch of them died. Anyway, these locusts did NOT kill anything except the people of Earth.
When the sixth dulcimer played, the angels released an army of two hundred million motorcyclists. A third of mankind was slaughtered. Those of Mankind who did survive went unto their churches and prayed to their idols – foolishly believing that these idols were BOB, and the horrible acts about them were the work of False Rob. BOB was displeased with this.
“They make idols of my son and myself, and then pray to them? They pray to The Boble! But do they pray unto me? Nooooo… Bastards. Kill ’em all!”
Then I saw an angel with a little scroll. He was about to read it, but BOB shushed him. At this point (as before the room had been very loud – BOB was pumping the sounds of destruction through the speakers) everything grew silent. Beneath the glass floor, the world churned and boiled in agony. But we, in Bob Heavens (where there are two foot snowdrifts and sausage), were sealed from the noise.
BOB spoke, “Nohj, take the little scroll and eat it.”
And so I took the little scroll and ate it. And there was much giggling.
“What?” I asked.
BOB, exploding in laughter, said, “That scroll had a live gerbil wrapped in it.”
BOB’s servants giggled as I gagged in shock and disgust.
Then the time came for the playing of the seventh dulcimer. I had been making measurements of the glass dais, but this was a touch more interesting. The world now had been destroyed. Reduced to so much gas and matter that it was indistinguishable from the day it first formed. The world of which you and I knew was gone under the power of BOB.
Then I, Nohj, found myself watching a great angel appear as if in a movie. I saw BOB face the angel, and condemn him. There was a great battle, and three other great angels – Crabriel, Mikey, and San Juan went up against this fierce angel. I watched in horror as the three ripped off the wings of the great angel, and forced him down…down…down into the depths of hell. And there, BOB once again came to this fallen angel and transformed the magnificent body. I watched the angel shrink and become weaker. I watched the angel turn into False Rob.
And thus is the story of the fall of Rob, replayed again as if this were all some sort of circle.
Then the souls of those who had perished rose up, following a great beast into eternal captivity. It was with this beast that they would suffer for all eternity. And then another beast rose up and made sure that the popularity of the first beast was secure. As I watched, the Earth below me cooled and calmed as BOB looked down upon it. It had become a dull lump of rock. BOB turned to me and grinned, and then waved his arms. The tombstones of those who had perished appeared as huge mountains. BOB then took seven bowls of urine, and poured them upon the mountains – stripping the trees off them and putting a white snow upon their peaks.
Then I saw a great city on the movie screen. It was the last city of Earth, which had been destroyed. But I had missed the destruction of the city in all the confusion. The city was magnificent – huge, metal, and computerized.
“Behold, Babylon.” Bob Jr said, “The computers and technology of Mankind wrapped up in this last fortress.”
And I watched as Babylon crumbled and fell under the power of BOB. I watched as the mighty computers, and the mighty robots, and the mighty diesel engines exploded and were reduced to ash. I watched the textile mills, and the cars and minivans burn away and return to the Earth. I watched as the stereos and VCRs became wisps of smoke and vanished in loud screams of agony. I watched as the medicines, drugs, and poisons were engulfed by the sea and cleansed. I watched animals run from Babylon in great droves – escaping the tests and experiments which Mankind inflicted upon them. I saw these animals run into the mountains, and live in the green trees and brush which BOB placed there for them.
And then Babylon… Alas, Babylon… The last vestige of the creatures from which I was spawned, was destroyed and vanished. Not even a ruin stood.
Chapter Three: Aftermath
Then the animals learned and grew, living happily as the Earth became a great garden. I watched as the birds returned to the sky, and the angels of BOB spread goodness throughout the globe. I watched a great thousand year reign of BOB. Then BOB looked up above and summoned his great Apostles.
I stood back in awe as the two Apostles returned to Bob Heavens (where there is see: Genesis, Chapter one and sausage). The Apostles were the most mysterious of all that was BOB. He had created them long ago before the creation of Man, but he had sent them away through the cosmos to propagate the name of BOB.
The Apostles were greater than Bob Jr. They looked much like BOB, but their features were surrounded in shadow. I could only see their purple sunglasses.
“Welcome,” BOB said unto them, “the world has been cleansed and we are prepared to start once again.”
I watched as one of the Apostles raised up and journeyed to the planet where those who were loyal to BOB had been sent. This Apostle guided them into eternal peace and happiness.
And then the second Apostle rose up and became a brilliant shining sun, which gave the Earth health and well-being.
I smiled, and all those around BOB cheered. As they cheered, and as much partying went on, I was invited into the other room. But I chose to stay in the throne room and write down what I had seen.
As I wrote, I was shocked when I looked down upon the surface of the Earth. There were creatures – apes – making weapons and learning language. I watched as they began to evolve. I was shocked, for these were new Men forming. I tried to tell BOB, but he simply returned me to my own time and place. Naked, sitting on the outskirts of a small town known as Smiley, Alabama.
I had seen the future, and I had also seen what would happen after the fall of those created by BOB. I feared for what they would become…those violent apes learning to kill each other.
Then I, Nohj, slumped over and slept for two days, exhausted. Thus is the vision I had of BOB and the fall of my people. May this act as a memory and vision for everyone. Let us try to stay wonderful and cool, and let us practice kindness and beauty upon each other and this world by the grace of BOB. Damn Straight!
“The Trip” courtesy of St. Nohj the Flamingo Productions, inc. Authors of “How To Milk a Swede” and “How To Know If Your Daughter Is The Spawn of Satan” in the Nohj Field Guides Series.
Producers of the “Jerry Lewis Story” and “The Big, Big Earthquake Plane Crash Hurricane Avalanche” movies, available at video stores everywhere.
Nohj, The Trip, the grace of BOB, all loss in continuity, spelling errors, punctuation mistakes, poor English, bad grammar, `mushrooms’, Smiley, Alabama, Nohj Field Guides, Swedes, and urine all are registered trademarks of Saint Nohj Flamingo Industries.